Thanksgiving 2008

Thank God for (very summarised):

Family-
Miraculous change in my parents attitude towards me working in an NGO!
Parents getting more involved in church ministry
Mum starting a blog to tell others about God!

Spiritual Growth-
Fear of the Lord and not of men (still work in progress...)
I can't but God can. It is God who delivers and will deliver again
The Father heart of God, Jesus who understands my pain and sympathizes with my weaknesses
God is the healer of my broken heart- Jesus Himself came and heal up the wounds in my heart

Ministry-
Introduction to GBG ministry and radical community!
God in the dark alleys
God is the one who works in the lives of the people- when the mighty humble themselves! Saw how He moved and changed the hearts of my DG members

Work-
It was humbling. Through criticisms and different working styles, I was forced to find my identity- I needed to know who I am in Christ.
In the midst of uncertainty and seemingly impossible situations, I needed to know God's identity- who is God?
He is the God of justice. The God who will provide! And He is the intimate Father God.
And I am His child, secure in Him. Created in the way He made me to be.

What is faith all about?

My sis passed me a copy of Harvest Times to read, it happened to have a lot of features on missions and humanitarian work that CHC was doing. I was glad to read it, to hear the expanding ministries and I celebrate the wonderful things that God has been doing through the ministry. :) A teeny whiney part of me misses that kind of faith that I found in the church, to believe God for anything, to pray boldly in the Spirit, to worship God in tongues, to see visions and signs and wonders. Afterall, our God is still alive, and shdn't we be in expectancy of His great works?
The balance me now has learnt of "presumptuous faith" and suffering. With that in mind, I know that even in the most difficult seasons whereby there is seemingly little or no growth, God is still at work and He is sovereign. He has His reasons for not allowing certain things to happen, and He has His timings at work.

So how does the balance me operate with that FAITH bit, that believes and asks and receives? Sometimes I miss just that sense of being so presumptuous and bold.

Balance me has helped me a lot though, in terms of disappointments. That it is not altogether always celebratory.
I find myself asking though- Where is that joy? That sense of expectancy...that sense of faith in God?
Don't get me wrong balance is not faithlessness.
Yet there is a need for myself to reconcile all that is happening in my life & in the world.
To have that sense of faith and expectancy.

The Lord is my Shepherd

I was listening to Dennis Jernigan's The Lord is my Shepherd.

The Lord being my Shepherd gave new meaning to me..
As I experienced lying down in green pastures and my soul being restored. In spite of the physical tiredness. =) A peace amidst the stress.

Words by: King David (scripture adaptation by D.J.)
Music: Dennis Jernigan
The Lord is my Shepherd
I shall not want
He makes me lie down,
down in green pastures
He leads me beside quiet waters

He restoreth my soul
O how he guides me in the paths,
paths of His wonderful righteousness all,
All for His names' sake

Even though I may walk
through the valley of death
I shall not fear
For Thou are with me-For Thou are with me
And You have lifted me up in the
midst of my enemies
I shall not fear
For Thou art with me-Thou art with me

Thy rod and Thy staff,
how they comfort me
Annointing my head with Thine oil
Oil of Thy love, oil of Thy power...
My cup overflows

Surely thy goodness and mercy
shall follow my days
All of my life...
Thou art with me-Thou art with me
And I will dwell in Thine in
Thy holy light in Thine arms forever
Thou art with me-Thou art with me

找自己

Got back from Indonesia today about 1045pm. =) It was a very tight trip, and I was stressed before and during the trip. But one gem of a thing, I managed to have very good fellowship time with my boss- the president. I am so immensely thankful, being able to open up to her abt my challenges at work, and giving her feedback abt certain things, and having her tell me her expectations abt diff things. I'm glad we cld talk freely.

We stayed in the village for one night, it was something new for me...in a sense..I've stayed in other villagers before in China. But this time the roads were really near, and our neighbouring houses near to us. I cld see fr my window villagers chatting outside in the night, hear the honking of cars, and the blasting of music from vehicles and so on. It was a little scary in fact. The curtains were like flimsy pieces of cloth that din even cover the village house fully.

This morning we went to a small church, and as I was singing the second worship song, tears begin to flow down my eyes. Didn't know what touched me, the song was in Bahasa Indonesian, and I didn't understand a word....but I felt there was such a hunger for God in the place. And at the airport, my boss said she also teared at the same time, and it was about "intercession". Wow, the word exactly captured how I felt at that time.

Honestly, I do not feel a lot for Indonesia. The only country thus far that I "feel" a lot for is China. It reminds me a bit of what my fren said, he says he doesn't feel particularly for the marginalized, he doesn't even know what is his calling, he is just doing what the bible calls him to do. I think so. I am just doing what the bible says to do. And catching a glimpse here and there of God's heart for His people.

I need to find back myself....today we had such an open conversation, that I shared w my boss how I gave up bonuses that cld come up to 12mths, to join GB. I didn't say it to show off or to impress her, neither did I share it with regret. It was more like sharing my heart with her. There's layers covering my heart, and I need to dig deeper on the inside, what I really think about things, who I really am...

I think I may not end up being a missionary based in the third world, the greater measure is not that. The measure is our obedience to God's calling, following passionately after Him. Not what we can do FOR Him, but what we can do WITH Him, abiding in Him. Honestly I find it tough to tell God- Yr will Lord. Or to tell Him that I am willing, send me. I find it increasingly tough to pray and sing such words. If we really are willing, it takes a lot to be following after Christ.
Yah...I think I need to find back myself, and who He has created me to be. For only then I will be happy in Him, happy with myself....And not live in fears abt other people's expectations, or hurrying myself to be doing things I can't do....

A story of incarnate love

Although I had visited the clinic and knew the ministry there since abt 4 mths back, I had not mustered enough courage to "walk the streets" as they call it. To befriend, talk to and pray for the people.

The house church is located at Geylang Road, where they pray and meet daily. On Wednesdays, they have a worship time and then they walk the streets. After worshipping for abt an hr odd, we went to the street in 2 grps.

I went with a grp of about 8 to the "Indian" streets, unsure of what was to happen. We squeezed past crowds of migrant workers, walked past a street of gambling tables ( I swear I only saw those in HK TV dramas). Along the streets were rows of women standing/ sitting down. We came to a grp of ladies, and someone asked if they wanted prayer. They said yes, and another embraced one of them, and another held another's hand. And before long, we were all standing in the circle, in the middle of the dark dinky alley- Praying.

Jesus was there though. I felt like He was walking with us in the streets. He wasn't just there when we walked. He was there, walking with them daily.

I asked S if she wanted prayer. She hugged me and laid her head on my shoulders. I thought she didn't understand, and asked again. Again, she hugged me. I prayed for her- for healing, for God's love. And at the end of the prayer, I asked her to call to Jesus, to tell Jesus what is in her heart. Soon after she said she gotto go, as there was business coming. It stirred my heart with a mixture of feelings.

But I knew Jesus loved each one of these. The bible came alive as I read Isaiah that night when I got home- of healing broken hearts, of setting the captives free, of bringing light into the darkness. There it was, in the dark alleys, incarnate love. Jesus walked and fellowshipped with the tax collectors and the prostitutes on earth. Jesus came to die for these ones. God wants to redeem these lives, each woman created uniquely and beautifully in His image.

I have a feeling that this is how christianity is meant to be. Christianity, according to the bible, is radical.

Four Loves

"Need-love cries to God from our poverty; Gift-love longs to serve, or even to suffer for, God; Appreciative love says: 'We give thanks to thee for thy great glory.'
Need-love says of a woman 'I cannot live without her'; Gift-love longs to give her happiness, comfort, protection- if possible, wealth; Appreciative love gazes and holds its breath and is silent, rejoices that such a wonder should exist even if not for him, will not be wholly dejected by losing her, would rather have it so than never to have seen her at all."

- C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Thankful for being able to experience Gift Love and Appreciative Love. Though when one loves, I think we cannot escape fr having some form of Need-Love. Somehow, maybe, it is inevitable. Cos if one just gives and appreciates, then there is no need for the person, and it is quite sad isn't it! But wow, being able to release someone in love, to just hold the person in appreciation, and to give of oneself for the better of other. =P

Synergy in Mission Organizations

I found this website on the progress of the Gospel in the world. It shows the percentage of peoples group still unreached at 41.3%. Joshua Project
(Unreached = A people group among which there is no indigenous community of believing Christians with adequate numbers and resources to evangelize this people group. The original Joshua Project editorial committee selected the critieria less than 2% Evangelical Christian and less than 5% Christian Adherents.)
There's quite a lot of useful info in the website. Amazes me on the depth of research and the amt of thought that went into this.

Through my job and others, I've come across many missions agencies and churches who are passionate about reaching the lost, and also came across many christian agencies with a social mission. This is definitely very edifying and encouraging. =)

My 2 cents worth of thought- some of these organizations should combine effort instead of re-inventing the wheel. How powerful it will be if there was synergy. Like for example World Vision & Compassionate are good at child sponsorship programmes, YWAM is good at missions training, Habitat is good at building houses for the poor, each one having the expertise to complement one another...and so on and so forth, likewise in the field of medical missions, micro businesses etc. :P Sometimes the organization may not be present in a certain area of the world and u have to do some re-invention. But in cases where partnership is possible, there's so much synergy that can be harnessed from it.

Chking motives is impt, like why are we starting this thing, can we partner with someone else who has the expertise, and is our motivation really to benefit the community or to expand our territory of influence? Doesn't make sense that the social sector already has very few resources for us to be competing with each other for resources.

Though I must say, starting my own organization has been on my mind on and off. Check check check....is it cos I can't submit to authority? Do I really have something that I can offer that is not already available in the mkt? I must admit though, that having my own organization allows more flexibility and control over the vision and mission.

Ajith Fernando in his book Jesus Driven Ministry, says he grows uneasy when people say they want to have their ministry in every city of our nation or in every country in Asia. Rather, the one with godly ambition should pray that if "someone else does what we were hoping to do, we will be satisfied."

When the mighty are broken

Last year when I felt God's prompting that it may be time to start serving in ministry again, I was hoping to lead a youth discipleship group of say 18-22 years old. But I was asked to lead a discipleship group of ladies ard my age, consisting of lawyers & scholars, more than half of whom come from RGS. ;p I felt super inadequate and apprehensive.

The past few weeks have been encouraging. I tell u, when the mighty ones humble themselves and are broken before God, when He speaks to us about fault lines in our lives. And thank God, for authentic sharing, and guess what, we identify similar issues because we came from similar education background! Of being efficient, busy people. Needing to centre down on God, needing to humble ourselves before Him, and surrender our futures into His hand. Learning to not strive so hard for men's praises, but to strive for His praise. Learning that we do not need to be perfect to be loved. Learning uncertainty, and being joyful in it, trusting that He is in control.

So many lessons to be learnt. ;p I'm so glad we are in this together. I am humbled, and thankful. That God answered my prayers. Been praying for our group and for a breakthrough, that we may share authentically with each other. Glad that He, in His own mighty and personal way, convicted each of our hearts individually. Glad that He, would choose to bring us together in a group bcos of our similar experiences. Glad that He, would break us down, so that we can be mighty not in the sight of men but in Him. Glad that He encouraged me in this ministry, that He is the one who leads His people, and I just got to pray and obey Him.

And so....the challenges that arise in ministry never cease, but His grace is ever sufficient...and His Spirit continues to move and convict. =)

And yah...at this time when I am very physically tired, and weary in my soul, He knows His ways to encourage. Thank You Lord.

Show me Your heart

I picked up my guitar that I had not been playing for a while and worshipped God just now. I sang a lot of the songs I used to sing in the past. Yeah...I miss worshipping God with these songs:

1) THERE IS A PLACE IN YOUR HEART
I AM LONGING TO FIND
WON'T YOU SHOW ME
THERE IS A PLACE I KNOW
I CAN RUN TO AND HIDE
WON'T YOU SHOW ME
SHOW ME
SHOW ME
SHOW ME YOUR HEART

2) I WANT TO SING
UNTIL I AM LOST IN YOUR LOVE
TILL I'M FOUND IN YOUR PRESENCE
WORSHIPPING BEFORE YOUR THRONE
MOVE BY YOUR SPIRIT
ENTERING INTO YOUR FLOW
HOW PRECIOUS THIS MOMENT
LORD I WANT YOU TO KNOW

IT'S YOU, YOU WHO HAVE WON MY HEART
TAKEN ME INTO YOUR ARMS
COMFORTED ME LIKE A FRIEND
YOUR LOVE
SURROUNDED ME FROM THE START
I NEVER WANT TO BE APART
FROM YOU EVER AGAIN

I was very touched, bcos God showed me that I loved Him and wanted to know His heart. And I guess I had created a separation betw CHC and post CHC me. Yet, the CHC me, told God that I loved Him earnestly. Albeit untested. But yes, with all sincerity wanting to honour Him.
Just like Pastor Edmund said when he told his wife he loved her 20 years ago when they got married that she loved her with all sincerity, now his love for her is many times more.

I think I can worship again....

Through different ones that He somehow prompted and led to speak to me, esp yesterday night's talk with Ed showed me how much God loved me. Not just love me, but my identity in Christ is precious. I'm thankful that he had the courage to obey God to speak to me, even though it was difficult and painful. Which makes it all the more precious, that God would arrange for divine settings and encounters, bcos we are precious enough for Him to do so.

Part of the reason why I am so tired, I guess....is bcos I think that it is never enough. More souls to save, more things to do and not everyone will get healed or get saved. It tires me out thinking abt that.
But yet, each ernest surrender, each desire to do His will...He knows. And most of all, it was never about our giving. It was about HIS giving.
So He can heal the past. He can take away the condemnation abt being not-enough, not doing enough, and rewrite the results of wrong decisions.

I am deeply thankful for the love shown to me. And i surrender to Him again. It was never about my surrender but His sacrifice. It is a mixture of pain & joy. Pray that I may know His love. And through this knowing, know that He will take care of the one(s) I love.

It's hard to be like Jesus

Came across this article by Philip Yancey.
Thought it was quite thought provoking.
http://www.christianitytoday.com/tc/2005/003/1.42.html

In my visits to churches overseas, one difference from North American Christians stands out sharply: their view of hardship and suffering. We who live in an age of unprecedented comfort seem obsessed with the problem of pain. Skeptics mention it as a major roadblock to faith, and believers struggle to come to terms with it. Prayer meetings in the U.S. often focus on illnesses and requests for healing. Not so elsewhere.
I asked a man who visits unregistered house churches in China whether Christians there pray for a change in harsh government policies. After thinking for a moment, he replied that not once had he heard a Chinese Christian pray for relief...

Something that never changes

I went to the gym today, spent a good time there. And then read a book. Just wanted to spend some time out with God. Decided to do something impromptu, went to the East Coast Beach, the location where I always went to pray and reflect. But I haven't been there since we moved in Dec last year.

It was nice seeing the crowds of families and friends cycling, skating, picnics and chilling out. =) And most of all, it was nice to stand on the sand again, close to the sea. The construction behind my fave spot had been completed, and there were now nice alfresco restaurants. One day I shall go there to grab a drink and chill out. The feelings came back, the prayers and thoughts I had raised in the past standing at that spot. About changing church, relationships, God's plan for my life etc. I remember God spoke to me last year about new beginnings, after 1 year plus break from ministry. I remember being thankful for the respite, and this new sense of being rested in Him.

I felt in my heart, that He seemed to be telling me that nothing had changed. I can still experience the same kind of restedness as when I was taking a break from ministry. It was about serving from a position of rest. I had allowed all the new ministry & work responsibilities to burden me again. And then, I felt He was showing me that He had already healed me and spoken to me about the cell group in CHC, and I had received closure for that. The new fear that arose as my responsibilities increased, was something I had to give to Him. Whether I am serving or not serving, He was the same. The sea was as vast, the skies as wide. Because He is the same faithful God, the maker of the universe.

Thought of some of the different people in my previous cell. Asked God again, Why did the Cell Group not grow? Felt that I already knew the answer without asking. It was about Inner Growth. It was about pain that came with growth. It was about how God worked in His own timing, and not in my own terms. I have grown, yay. =)

There are things that are not certain. But yet many things that are certain. What is certain is that God is faithful. What is uncertain is how the faithful God will demonstrate His faithfulness, since His ways are higher than ours, and He is not confined to work on human terms. I must not mix the uncertain things with the things that are clear-cut. Because I can speak confidently about God's faihtfulness, and about His unchanging plans to redeem mankind, and how we need to draw near to Him.

Walked into my old condo, everything was the same. The carpark, the lobby, the tennis courts....which I had walked past for the past more than 20 years. All were the same. Nothing had changed.

Hmm. Maybe I myself can't totally capture what that feeling was. But it certainly brought rest, knowing that He is in control of the past, present and future.

Building Foundations

Its another Sunday night. =) Switched on my comp with some thoughts I wanted to write, but got a bit emo instead. Maybe it will make the sharing more real.

I wanted to share about Covenant Evangelical Free Church, the church I've been in for the past 2 years. I am extremely thankful for the sound and balanced teaching of the Word I've received. One of the things that really blesses my heart is the focus on inward growth, to become like the "certain kind" of disciple. I know what it means to be the certain kind, though its hard to capture it down in words.

One thing that Pastor Ed always says is that we shd not have "presumptuous faith". Realise how important that is. Because one ques that was on mind constantly was why God promised growth in my chc cell grp, but it never grew, and there were people who left the church instead. Realised that all the more when God calls, we are likely to experience challenges. Hence it is not just pray it and claim it. But faith is trusting in God. Afterall, Jesus experienced the deepest of sorrow before His cruxification, and growth does not come without its pains.

I'm thankful that the church does not preach all the "how to" sermons, but often, it preaches on the inward posture and perspectives that we should have. Because "how to" sermons, tho can help a person modify his actions outwardly, they may not neccessarily change a person on the inside. In the Leaders Empowering session on Fri night, Pastor Ed talked about leadership as being able to move people together as one towards the vision. There's different ways of doing that ofcos. Two extremes- one being the militant style, pressuring people into doing what you call them to. The other extreme is to be just very nice and telling people its ok if they can't follow etc. Instead of the two, we should build foundation and mature a person, then the person will follow with conviction. I think building foundation is the toughest thing to do, in a results oriented society. The church seems pressurized by societal norms to acheive success. I can think of many wonderful people who seem to not have status on the outside, but I believe God is doing deep work in their lives. And sometimes this "deep work" confounds us. Instead of becoming more powerful, we seem to become weaker; instead of becoming more confident in ourselves, we seem to realise our inadequacy; instead of being victorious, we face persecution; instead of prestige, we seem to be demoted to places of aloneness.

Up till now, I can't help but have a negative reaction when I hear the words "success", "growth", as it brings to mind very painful memories of believing for growth, but the attendance showing a downward trend instead. I know it is because I was discouraged and hurt from past experiences, that now I fear trusting God, because I don't want to be disappointed again. Now I realise tho, that being disappointed was because I didn't realise I had to go through pains for growth, and was angry with myself for not being a good enough leader.

I have to watch that I don't fall into the other extreme of faithlessness. Because I think growth and being fruitful is what we shd be in our ministries. Its is like knowing we can do nothing apart from Jesus, yet we can do everything with Him, because He is a mighty God. So to remain status quo is to think too small of God who is more than enough.

So its good that the past is starting to pop up again, and I am beginning to reconcile my past experiences at church with the present, instead of just totally shutting out the experiences. After all, every experience in retrospect, had God's hand in it. All the promises and words He had spoken to me were real. I don't wanna re-do the 2 years again, of uprooting from church, questioning all my basics about who God is, but I think it was good to unlearn somethings that are wrong, and relearn again, to remove and replace with the right thoughts of God and myself.

Go Forth 2008

I had the privilege of attending the full Go Forth conference, sponsored by my company. I was thankful for the 4 day break away from work and to learn about missions. Didn't realise there were so many aspects to consider! Felt before I went for the conference, there was something God wanted me to learn from there. And yup, I have been blessed, inter-mingled with other things past and present.


1) Social Entrepreneurship -innovative methods for missions

Today strangely at service, I was reminded of this image in 2004. I was waiting for the bus at Thomson Road, outside MCYS. I first came across this term "social entrepreneurship" when I was in NUS. They advertised for a internship position to help with social enterprise projects. My heart was excited when I got the job, cos I always knew that I studied business for a purpose, and this concept seemed to combine social and business skills together. Visiting those SEs, and meeting SEs was always so uplifting. One person who inspired me till now is Pastor Don Wong, who runs a halfway house for ex-convicts, whom I went with to Indonesia 2 times so far. =)

It was good that Go Forth talked about Social enterprises and micro enterprises, because it is definitely a platform for outreach and missions. I liked what Ajith Fernando said "Innovation comes out of servanthood, innovative servanthood opens doors for the gospel, it is never an end in itself". Through these micro/social businesses, we help to meet the needs of the poor in a sustainable manner, and we are granted access into countries which we previously cannot.

I was inspired by this other lady, Penny who was a lawyer, and went to India for 9 years to build a garment factory etc., because she had heard God's call. She talked about making God relevant to the poor. I couldn't agree more. I guess this is helping me to remember the dream I had to set up SE.

A few years ago, through my thesis, on "Cross sector alliances between companies and non-profits", I interviewed Claire Chiang. Her Banyan tree retail shops sell items made by women from villagers, and she shared abt herself going there to work with the villagers, with jeans, mud, hat etc. Guess that was something I wanted to do. I'm not sure if she is a christian though. ;p

But something that sets apart us as christians is the idea of servanthood.

2) Radical servanthood
Ajith emphasized the importance of dedication to God, and commitment to Jesus. I always thought we will be fulfilled when we find the place where we can fully use our talents. People always seek to work in the big, established organizations and churches. But he says we are fulfiled when we "die for the people". I understood what he meant when he gave this example. A pastor who was previously preaching to 2000 people congregation decides to go into the missions field. Now he is only preaching to 4 people every week, the husband, the wife, a colleague, and one new convert. It was so "wow" when I heard that. And it struck me that the world measures success by effectiveness, but in God's kingdom, it is all about obedience and commitment to Christ. He also reminded us that the church ought to send the BEST to the missions field, like how the antioch church sent Paul and Barnabbas, their very best.

Anyway it is a kind of a faithful obedience. Sometimes we even don't see fruits in our lifetime-like those heros of faith quoted in the bible. It struck me that it is so hard for me to surrender this area to God, tho I did pray and ask for His grace to do so. On many ocassions, when I walk to upper serangoon road, into my office with less than 10 people, I ask myself, what on earth am I doing here! And sometimes, I remember the nice airconditioned lobby and building, and office and desk I used to have. He is poking at this area in my heart.

Another thing Ajith shared was how in reaching asia, the people perceive christianity as a western invasion, with bible in one hand, money/sword in the other. What will really set us apart is radical servanthood. And yup, in order for the church to grow, it has to suffer. This is a cross-based theology, as opposed to the consumerism theology.

3) Emotional health
Related to the previous point, I realised how impt one's emotional health must be in the missions field. Quite a few of the speakers spoke about how they were stripped of their ability to speak in the new environment- whereby they could not speak the language there. Someone said, he was reduced to being a 2 year old. Taking transport was a problem. Every small thing required assistance. And also because of the sensitive nature of missions, u can't tell people u are a "missionary". So u are suddenly status and titleless. Again another wow. Someone said something like "God stripped me of my linguistic skills, I could not speak, but He used my actions to demonstrate His love".

So I think it is important for one to be secure about his own identity. Otherwise, there is bound to be identity crisis there. Esp for someone who prides his self worth upon his work. And also when there is no fruit after labouring for a long time, it is important for one to be secure in God, rooted in Christ. Otherwise frustration will come in.

Even as He is working some very deep seated emotional issues in me....I know it can only be because to build high, there must be a solid foundation.

-----------------
So anyway I did not respond for the altar calls to be a missionary. Such a sacred call it is. Not to be casually taken into. But yes, I am missions-minded. How can someone know God and not be burdened for the lost?
John Piper-
"Missions is not the ultimate goal of the Church. Worship is. Missions exists because worship doesn’t. Worship is ultimate, not missions, because God is ultimate, not man. When this age is over, and the countless millions of the redeemed fall on their faces before the throne of God, missions will be no more. It is a temporary necessity. But worship abides forever."

Wonderful Cross

While we are at this theme of God setting us free. This is a lovely song that has blessed me a lot these days. The paradox of the cross- That He has set us free, died for us, loved us; and now we give our lives to Him. It is on this basis that when we receive His love, we can outflow it to others:

Wonderful Cross

When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of Glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride

See from his head, his hands, his feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did ever such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown

O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
All who gather here by grace draw near and bless
Your name

Were the whole realm of nature mine
That were an offering far too small
Love so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all

Set free

Thankful again for a quiet night to write. ;) Writing is a blessing. Tmr is still work day so I shan't write too long!
This week was a very busy week for me, averaged about 5-6 hrs of sleep per day. My eye rings are all coming out! Yet it was one of the most fruitful weeks thus far. As yup, I'm starting to enjoy work and remember why I was there. :)
Last sun it was a message on what christianity is about. Actually it is a complicated thing to explain, but it all boils down, I realise, to the saving work of Christ on the cross. And as I was waiting for communion, I asked God to set me free from all the shackles inside my heart. And I thought of this verse:
36 Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.
John 8:36
And felt impressed upon my heart that God was showing me, from the day I walked down the altar and prayed the sinners prayer (10 years ago!), He already set me free. It was such a powerful but simple revelation.

With this revelation of being free, I realise I do not need to work to gain approval from others. And basically, my security is not based on what other people said about me, neither was it based on how well I performed at work. But I am secure in Christ. =)

Yup yup...so tis is a short update, and I am so tired. I'm gonna pray and sleep already.

Next week is Go Forth Conference! :) Yay. I'm looking forward to it, hoping to have a fresh touch from God.

Sacred vs Secular

I went for dinner with 2 grps of people last night. First with my ex colleagues, then next I joined my church mates. This grp of colleagues are the ones I went Philippines to build houses with, and I enjoy their company. One of the guys is getting married, so this was kind of a "celebration" dinner for him. At the end of the meal, they wanted to split the bill equally, but I protested because I had not ordered the set meal, and my meal was one of the cheapest, so its easily 7-8 dollars cheaper than the average cost. I felt weird though, when I protested! Felt like I was being miserly. But yet, I know I gotto be wise in my spending of money. And yup, so it was poignant moment, and it remained in my mind.

Met my church mates and we had rocher beancurd. Its one of those wonderful cheap chillout places with soya bean at 70 cents a cup. i wonder if I am getting overly worked up over money and trying to keep my budget low! But I think about the future and buying house and getting married (hopefully), and having money to build orphanages or social enterprises and all. And I don't wanna spend so much! After the meal it was like 1120pm, and everyone took cabs home except me. I walked 15 minutes myself to Bugis MRT and took the train home.

It was poignant. I wouldn't say I felt miserable. But I did feel alone walking down the dimly lit streets. And felt like making a phone call to my helpline, but refrained so that I could process my thoughts with God.

And so, people have been asking how's my new job, and I describe my flying ard, so far to Cambodia and Indonesia. ;p and some say wah, yr job sounds fun, and its great that u can travel. It really is, stepping back and viewing my life as if I am a third person. Its someone I always wanted to be, giving of my life to passionate causes. And yes, being somewhat freed up from the rat race. I remember again and again the miracle of my parents blessings for my job. Seeing the happy face of Dian in Indonesia as she cried happy tears made my heart lept with joy and I teared. This is the reason why I am in this job. Really tho, the daily practical outworkings of this job is far from "glam". There is a price to pay for this. And it works out in various practical decisions that I make. Sometimes it is incredibly lonely, a road that few can understand.

I don't mean that I am above others in anyway. In fact, I was reading this book The Pursuit of God by AZ Tozer. He talks in the last chapt about there being no need for a dichotomy betw the sacred and the secular. I quote

"The 'layman' need never think of his humbler task as being inferior to that of his minister. Let every man abide in the calling wherein he is called and his work will be as sacred as the work of the ministry. It is not what a man does that determines whether his work is sacred or secular, it is why he does it. The motive is everything. Let that man sanctify the Lord God in his heart and he can thereafter do no common act. All he does is good and acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For such a man, living itself will be sacramental and the whole world a santuary. His entre life will be a priestly ministration. As he performs his never-so-simple task, he will hear the voice of the seraphim saying, 'Holy, Holy, Holy; is the Lord of hosts: the whole earth is full of His glory."

I dearly hope my motive is right before God, and everything I do may be Holy and pleasing to Him. I've been thinking abt this secular vs sacred thing for some time. It was a major struggle for me in my previous wkplace to keep my work sacred as I felt so constrained on the inside. So it was difficult to give praise for a job I didn't really enjoy. But yup, I think I did my best as a worship unto Him. Ofcos there is this ques tho, how can photocopying documents for example, be as sacred as going to the missions field and praying for a kid? I don't have ans yet, but the underlying being the importance of motive.

Actually it is a privilege to be working in a church or a christian organization, because one who works there gets to see the outworkings of God's love and glory in more tangible forms. I mean like I get to go to Indonesia and see people worshipping God in a different tongue, and I wonder, I am actually getting paid to do this? Like being paid to serve God and to be encouraged by His people and to do ministry, which is a daily thing I wanna do. Its really like the blessedness of having little, so I say sometimes, it is such a blessing to be called to go into such jobs.

Alrighty, this is a whole bunch of thoughts I have....which I've not totally processed through. :) As you can tell. I'm grateful if u finished reading!

A beautiful tapestry

A bit surprised by my rollar coaster of emotions. One moment being v joyful and secure, and the next being worried and fearful. The devil attacks my mind, and gotto pray and pray and pray. Even when the emotional state feels down, to have faith that I am victorious in Christ! Reading abt some of the struggles my brothers and sisters go thru helps to encourage me, knowing that I am not alone, that as a christian, God didn't promise that there will be no dark days, but He promises His presence throughout the dark days. There's really not one particular situation that I can pinpoint in which I know is the source of distress. But more so this sense of uncertainty and feelings of doubt that cloud my mind- i.e. God, did u say that or not? Did u promise that? How come its like that if You have promised that? And then to be secure and to reject those feelings. To stand secure in His promises in spite of how I am feeling. :P

---------------

I need to learn to handle uncertainty. Correction: I need to surrender to God all uncertainty, cos I can't handle them. At work- I can be writing proposals and descriptions of projects, but I don't see the outcomes. Sometimes there are bottle necks & miscommunications. It makes me frustrated. My idealistic and perfectionist nature says, we should complete this in this manner- efficiency being the key! If only so and so will do this and that, then all problems solved and we can move ahead! Oh, I don't like to wait at all! I rather roll up my sleeves and work and affect outcomes. Just let me be able to do something about it!

Waiting is a painful, but is crucial. It seems like we are doing nothing, but yet there is a lot going on. God moulding our hearts to learn patience, to learn to trust in His plans as they unfold into a beautiful tapestry. :P Men and women in the bible waited on God, and through that process were moulded. E.g. David running away from Saul and waiting to be king; Joseph a slave to Egypt and thrown to jail before his vision came to pass..etc etc. And I thought I had already learnt much about waiting & surrendering (e.g. waiting a year before I switched to social sector, surrendering relationships & ministries). It reminds me of Pastor Ed's sermon on Effficacy- which is to do the right thing at the right time with the right motivations resulting in the right outcome. It may not be the most efficient method as the world sees it. But yet with trust and obedience in God, truly in time to come, we will see how beautiful everything turns out in His time. :) Just when I thought I got nothing more to surrender!

I need to overcome this spirit of "poverty". The feelings that God will shortchange me for the surrender. That ultimately what is good will be taken from me. This is not God. God is loving, and He is the giver of all good things. The God who created all things and who did not spare His only son, how would He not freely give us all things?

Amen to all above. Now...I must go back and type more proposals.....

In the secret place

These few days while I pray, God is real to me.
Maybe I shall explain what I mean, in that, there are certain decisions I've made, and areas I've served in, because I believe in Him. If He does not exist, then the things I did will be in vain.
And somehow, the knowledge of God being real, brings me great comfort, there's this sense that He understands.
As I started sharing my life journey for the past 2 years with a friend, memories also started coming back. And as these images reappear- esp people whom I had cared for, and placed their burdens upon myself, and felt that I had failed to help them, I experience this sense of encouragement from God, that He understood all the pains and discouragement. Indeed, how even if we are walking with the Lord, it doesn't mean that ministry will be smooth sailing, all people we minister to will be reached. There's still pain and struggles in the individual's life, and that is why He has placed compassion in us, to be ministers to these lives, to carry the cross in spite of all the difficulties that we face. And yes, thruout all these experiences, I've hoped for someone to share my journey with, and it amazes me that in the secret place of prayer, I can tell God all of the struggles I faced, and He understood. :) Tho ofcos since God made us to need each other, there is a desire to bond and to share with others about our lives, and I've received much blessing from sharing. I'm glad that this desire to put each other first is on our minds. Whatever the Lord leads. :)

All the Earth

All the Earth
Parachute Band

Father
Into Your courts I will enter
Maker of heaven and earth
I tremble
In Your holy presence

Glory
Glory in Your sanctuary
Splendor and majesty Lord
Before You
All life adores You

All the earth
Will declare
That Your love is everywhere
The fields will exalt
Seas resound

Hear the trees’
Joyful cry
Praising You and so will I
A new song I’ll sing
Lord I will
Glorify and bless Your holy name

Dear Father, may Your name be glorified, and the knowledge and the glory of You fill the whole Earth.
I really like this song cos it reminds me of the GLORY and the magnificence of God. :) And of cos how His love fills the whole earth.

Global Day of Prayer 2008

I am very tired now after a full week of work. Thankfully tmr I am off! :) But my heart is excited, and happy after the GDOP. Just came home from the stadium.

Like to thank God for these few things that were very encouraging:

1) Unity of the church
It was glorious seeing various churches coming together to pray. Even as different pastors and leaders led in prayer, and the styles were so different, felt that something binded us together. That was the love of Christ, and the spirit of loving one another. It was also wonderful seeing diff churches join hands to serve. This year though, there were less people who came for the meeting. I think the mega churches did not send as many people there. But nevertheless, lets not go into that too much. ;) I think the magnificence is not in having one mega church represented, but having mega churches, regular neighbourhood churches etc coming together.

2) The outpouring of the Holy Spirit
Nope, no one got slain in the spirit, neither did the stadium shake and people start speaking in tongues. But I felt the loving embrace of the Holy Spirit, and a peace that surpassed all understanding filled my heart. It was a holy moment. This year felt diff from previous 2 years. Whereas past 2 years we prayed a lot for church unity, it seems like this year unity was present in the body of Christ. And I felt a freedom to worship as the Spirit led. I think many churches seem to be opening up towards the leading of the Holy Spirit. And this is wonderful, because I believe His presence changes lives, and helps us to interceed with the Father in ways that cannot be fathomed.
Esp at the start when we were praying through about loving God, and rededicating our lives to Him, I was touched, and felt His warmth surrounding me.

3) Missions and Singapore as the Antioch of Asia
Many churches and leaders in recent years are convicted by God's call for missions. It was glorious again, seeing the various flags being waved at. And a much needed repentance before God about how Singapore has been taking for granted the blessings He has blessed us with. I believe strongly that from Singapore, many will bring the gospel ard Asia, whether it is through preaching of the Word/ministry, tent-making (e.g. businesses, education) or humanitarian, the possibility is tremendous. Singapore has so much resources that can be sent out to these countries.

4) Migrant workers
The Lord bless the heart of the church leaders in the city! One of the items was to pray for migrant workers, and for churches to be a blessing to them. Wonderful! It seems like again, God is raising up a people in Singapore who has a heart for the poor. This is indeed the heartbeat of our dearest heavenly Father. Not just in this GDOP, but through various avenues, e.g. Geylang ministry, I've come across individuals/organizations with the same heart for these migrant workers. God bless their hearts indeed! Various ones doing prayer walks, doing outreaches, doing seminar teachings on the poor and missions in Singapore!!

5) The importance of prayer and intercession
A strong reminder once again of its importance. Of speaking to God about the things that are already on His heart. How wonderful that we can be in partnership with Him!

Triumphant suffering

The title is a paradox!

These thoughts have been on my mind for some time. As CEFC is doing 2 Corinthians study this year, and tonight we also went through it, I've been blessed by the few themes that seem to run in 2 Cor so far.

Paul talks about the Glory of God and the Power of the cross even though he went through so much persecution and trials and painful times. And even in the letter to the Corinth church whereby he is questioned about his authority as an apostle, he speaks with joy and is triumphant because of the cross.
How we often seek the power but miss the treasure. The treasure is in the Cross...the redemption through Jesus, the grace and the glory.

Presence of God in darkness vs
Absence of God in light
Which do you prefer?

God loves us, and His ultimate plan for us is salvation and redemption. To draw us close, and to transform us. That's His main agenda I believe. Can we be rich and health and redeemed? I believe so. Can we also be poor and unhealthy and redeemed? I believe so too. Hence I think the focus is not on health and wealth. The ultimate treasure as a christian, is the treasure in earthen vessels. The treasure of knowing Christ.

I realised that Corinth has many similarities to present day Singapore. It was a very young and prosperous nation that took much pride in itself.

I quote this from NIV Application Commentary by Scott Hafemann:

"Corinth had become the envy of the Empire- a city of pleasure, a tribute to human-made splendour, a place where assertiveness and pride reaped great reward... Consequently, [the Corinthians] placed a higher premium on social prominence and self-display, on personal power and boasting...
Driven by their culture, the key issue in the Corinthian church was what it meant to be "spiritual"... Instead of seeking a Spirit-empowered conformity to the self-giving character of Christ, they placed a high value on their newfound "knowledge" and spiritual experiences in and of themselves...
The result was a self-serving attitude of boasting and moral laxity, further led by their culture's admiration of the public power, persona...They buttressed this cultural captivity of the gospel with a triumphalist, over realised eschatology...Such a view further inflated the Corinthians' estimation of their spiritual knowledge, gifts and experiences...It also downplayed the need for moral transformation, since on the "spiritual" plane they were already fully raised with Christ..."

And from my IDT notes:
"In contrast to a culture that prides itself on power and prestige through wealth, gifts, status and appearences, Paul's model for ministry is found in his weakness- from which his dependence upon God- thus bringing forth true strength! That kind of Christian ministry is modeled after our Lord Jesus Himself" (2Cor 13:4)

Sounds familiar? Many churches in Singapore and in many wealthy nations today pride their spirituality through the measures of the world. Or worse still, we measure our blessing from God through the blessings of the world. Whereas God wants to bless us with the true riches. Whereas the power of the cross is found in weakness. In knowing Christ.

Pls do not mistake what I am saying, that God is a joy-killer, and we shd all live in austerity and go to the deserts and stay in tents. My point is the focus we have as a christian, and how we cannot measure blessings by the world's perspective, and how true blessings are found in knowing God.

Would a loving father want his son to love him because he just bought the latest mp3 player for his son?
Or would a loving father want his son to love him for himself?
And in order to draw the son closer to know him, and show his son ultimate and lasting joys, would he not withhold the mp3 player from him for a time period? At the end, the son enjoys the father's company so much that having the mp3 player or not is secondary. And I believe, the presence of the father is much more eternal and complete.

The kingdom of God is not yet fully come. One day, we will be fully redeemed in heaven, where all the lame, blind will be healed, and enjoy everlasting presence with the Father.

Father's Love

The more I serve Him, the more I realise that I don't really understand the Father's love! Sometimes I'm just trying to love people on my own basis. I know it when I am running dry, and when I feel a lot for people, but I don't feel hopeful for them! Not being able to believe and have the faith that God Himself will minister to His people. And this week He sure is showing me, that His heart is loving. And I ought to be serving out of this knowledge of His goodness.

Went to church today for missions training, and I was so blessed by the speaker, Joseph Chean, Director of YWAM. He gave so many examples of how missionaries (whether short termed or long termed) heard from God and obeyed, and how God just met their needs, and met with the people. E.g. He brought a gift of a leather coat & bath robe to a missionary. Someone had prayed and felt these were the 2 things to pass to the missionary. And the missionary opened up the gift and said, only God knows what I needed! And then other examples of how this 20 year old gal heard from God about a people group in the amazon forests, and though she went to the govt to ask, and to the library to search, she couldnt find any traces of this group. And in the end, with the conviction that God had spoken to her abt reaching out to this people group, she went to the forest to search them out! The people group came to know Christ after some time through the sending of mission teams there. And at a missions conference, this group of people came and to his surprised, they were wearing loin cloths and carrying instruments he had never seen before. So Joseph shared about how ple may have forgotten some of the people groups, but God never did forget them. So anyway the examples, and others, encouraged me that God loves every people group, and also hears the prayers of the individual missionaries (in a very sweet way).

This was one of the anchor verse Joseph shared:
14 For the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord, as the waters cover the sea. Hab 2:14

Earth = nations --> states and provinces --> towns and communities --> families --> individuals

Anyway it was so encouraging, getting in touched with God's heartbeat again and again and again. And today I just kind of spent the whole day with Him, attending the training for 6 hrs, got home and prayed and worshipped some more. Need to hear from Him again, esp before I start my new job. Need to hear about where He wants me to go etc etc. And for complete healing in the heart. Need to know the Father's heart.

Musings of a Young Lady (Part 2)

3) Market Place Ministry

In the past 3 years at GIC, I've been so blessed to be part of a christian fellowship that meets up every thursday at lunch time to worship, pray andshare with one another. I've been tremendously blessed by SY and R's leading of the fellowship, as well as participating in some of theplannings of the vision and purposes of the fellowship. Our CF also links up with other CFers in the CBD area, for example last 2 years at christmas, we combined our christmas celebration. We also had outreaches e.g. showing Ravi Zacharias - Can men live without God video.It was wonderfully edifying to share, pray and encourage one another in the workplace.

I also met C, and asked her to be my mentor, and it has been such a blessing being able to share my life with her, and hear from her experiences. There are indeed certain unique experiences that we christians can share with one another in the office, afterall, person X also knows boss Y, while person Z also knows how difficult handling system W can be. I believe the mkt place ministry is important. It is the place where mostof us spend our time. Where else but the office? The corporate world is filled with its stresses, mundane tasks, and underlying, the question that everyone needs to know is, why am I here? What am I doing? Is there any purpose & meaning at all to this work? Christians can serve as an encouragement to brothers and sisters going through pain. And yes, shine alight in the midst of darkness. Change and revitalise the whole mkt place! And make it shine for God. Bring God's kingdom values of kindness,compassion, justice, hope, righteousness into the whole environment. And from there, let people see the difference in the way we live our lives, from the way structures are made.

I questioned a lot about my calling in the mkt place. Whether I shd belong here. But alas, even though I feel for my colleagues and have established such good relationships with them, i feel that ultimately my calling was not here (at this season at least) but amongst the poor. Nevertheless I think everyone should care about making disciples and spreading the gospel. And it is sad if the only reason why we are working in the office is because we want a comfortable life and money. I think wherever we choose to work, we have to choose it because we are called. We are all called to make disciples, the question is where are "you" called to make disciples?

Other than "official" platforms of outreaches, I had the blessing of being close to many of my colleagues. I really enjoyed their company, and on andoff have tried to share some of my values with them. I wrote cards and emails and chatted with colleagues to encourage them in their work! As mentioned earlier, getting involved in the recreation club comm svc was away in which I felt kingdom values could spread in the company. I felt that serving the community was a challenge to the values of the work place whereby the promotion of self interest and competitiveness is somewhatinevitable. To take time off to care for the community, with no benefit to self is a radical challenge to the values of self interest. Ofcos, some say that people are altruistic for personal reasons- e.g. feelings of fulfilment, happiness etc etc. I don't think these are bad, but I think these happy feelings shd be the fruit of our good works rather than theaim! Anyway, staying back later in the office cos of meetings to discuss the projects, sending emails to participants, liaising with charities, fundraising, pasting posters etc. I felt joyful in doing so. I met a lot of non-christians who sacrificed their time and money as well, and I was really encouraged! I believe inside every human being is a kindness and compassion we have towards others, and exercising it will in a way help usto express the goodness of our creator. I hope these experiences draws them closer to know the ultimate source of goodness.

As I announced I was changing jobs, even more opportunities arose for me to share Christ with my colleagues. As many expressed their envy that I could pursue something I liked (I believe also the ability to let go of money and comfort and to go into uncertainty), I had opportunity to share that it was not simply a passion that could drive one to give up comforts. It has to be a belief that what one was pursuing was of higher value than what one wasgiving up on. And also, doing good works by itself is not the thing that is fulfiling. The greatest calling is to know God. And so as we talked, I realised a lot of my colleagues don't really enjoy their work, but they have to hang on anyway because they want the salary. I am absolutely NOT condemning them, or going by a holier-than-thou attitude. Absolutely not. Ijust feel that the mkt place needs a whole lot of prayer and intercession,that people's eyes may be unveiled up to see Christ, so that He may bring meaning to lives.

Glorifying God in our work is ofcos another impt element that needs to be said. Work, I believe, is a form of worship unto God when we do in joyfully and acknowledge His Lordship over every task. Something an indonesian lady who started a halfway house told me, whenever she does her housework,whether it is sweeping the floors or washing dishes, she sees it as a worship unto God, and she gives thanks to God! In spite of me spending time at the recreation club, God has blessed my work. Though many times stressful, this shall be elaborated later, yet He blessed my projects.There were days however, whereby I fought hard to be joyful in doing my work. Some of the tasks seemed insummountable. Sometimes it was a challenge to do the things I find I don't really enjoy, like writing user specs which got quite technical (afterall God created us to enjoy different things), yet at the end of it I give thanks as I was able to finish my work.

Excellence in work I believe is important. People like Daniel & Joseph in the bible were wonderful testimonies of how God could use people to bring light into the work environment, and raise them up to positions of influence. However, I do not think all christians are Daniels and Josephs, and we can make a difference in our society in different manners.

My Child- I love you

Even though I know Jesus loves me, there was always this chasm that separated us. I don't know what it is. I've sought meaning in doing a lot of things that I hope will please Him. Some days I feel satisfied and loved, on other days I just run dry.

I started to know this God who loves me through glimpses of Him amongst people. Through glimpses of His loving touch. Through His warm presence. Through the lyrics of God's love. But sometimes these don't last. Esp on days when I am feeling sad and alone. I wonder if this Jesus cared.

At breakthrough weekend, the first message was on the Fear of the Lord. And Doris shared about how Fear of God was believing God no matter what, obeying God no matter what. I was convicted in my heart about the holiness of God. Yes God is a loving Father, but how the fear of the Lord is essential for us to draw near to Him. Because it is when we believe and obey that we have intimacy with the Father. When we are able to surrender to God the keys to our lives, and give Him control over it. Then intimacy comes. A drawing near.

Another session Pastor Anne talked about loving God only and loving God alone. At first I was a bit uncomfortable, cos I thought the emphasis should be on God loving us and not on we loving God. But at the end of the msg, when she called for a response, and coming to God with the things that we loved above Him. I realised that yes, God loves us, and therefore, there needs to be a response on our part to Him. That is when we come to Him and tell Him that we are willing to surrender to Him the things that we love more than Him. And when I kneeled down and said a prayer to do that, the love of God flowed through me. God showed me the condition of my heart. I've gone through some challenging times in terms of ministry and relationships, and I had been obeying Him for many things, but God asked me one thing- Are u willing, my child? And I realised that I did not have a willing heart in a lot of things that I did, even though I obeyed, it was with a heart that was clenched up. God encouraged me of His calling for me. And that in His own time, He will fulfil it.

In the next session, the breakthrough really came. The worship leader was sharing about grieve, about her miscarriages. And I was deeply touched. She shared that God told her to grieve and to release. And then there was a call for people who were grieving, and I responded. And I just couldnt stop crying, and my dearest mentor prayed for me. As she prayed, she also started crying, and she told me that God knows, and God was telling me that this burden was too great for me to bear myself, and God was saying, won't u let me bear this for u. As she placed her hands near my heart, I just released all the pain I felt on the inside and started weeping really loudly, it was like a wave of His love came and then it came again and again until I was totally convicted of His love and I felt such a deep sense of release. And then she told me that God gave her a vision, that the Lord Himself was using a thread and needle to sew up my broken heart. It reminded me of this image I saw about a few weeks ago of this red heart that was in His hands. I know my heart is being healed by Him. And how awesome, that the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords would come and do this Himself for me. =) I saw vividly that every pain I felt in my heart, Christ bore it on the cross for me. And I don't have to carry this burden any longer. I can release it to the God who cares. The God who loves me and grieves for my pain.

Thank u Lord. I am being healed. Amen. Show me more of Your love.

My Child,
You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad.

Almighty God
* taken from http://fathersloveletter.com/English/

Musings of a Young Lady (Part 1)

Since work has much winded down, and I really want to keep some emails I wrote/people have wrote for me in the past, I went into my archive folder, and discovered a treasure of stuff that I had written. I hope this blesses yr heart as this contains days and nights of rumination. These are the stuff that I've been thinking about for the past 3 years in my company.

1) Simplicity and the marginalized
I spent a large part of my time thinking about the poor for the past 2 years. And reflecting about how christians should live in the developed country. For a while, I felt guilty eating good food, and thought that I should be giving money to the poor instead. The poor was constantly on my heart and mind. I was angry with christians for not caring for the poor and living comfortable lives.

Why was I so upset? 2 years ago Ron Sider's Rich Christian in an Age of Poverty showed me clearly God's heart for the poor in the bible, and challenged christians to live out a life that cares for the people who God cares for. I've blogged here 2 years ago. As I begun to ponder about these issues, it also moved me into social action within the company. I began to take on an active role as the community service part of the recreation club, and by God's grace, there was an opening to bring my company to philippines with Habitat for Humanity in Dec 2006. I could not shake the poor off my mind and my heart, and many times I felt this burden upon me. In light of the poor and suffering, I could not bring myself to eat and drink merrily. I continued to organize other activities in the company like the one-room flat cleaning in Dec 2007.In my state of unhappiness, I felt like I was wasting my time working in the company. Felt that the cry of the poor resounded in my heart daily.

To: C
Date: 24/11/2006 09:07
Hello gal..
Could I bother u to keep me in yr prayer? Burdened...cos of all the poor people and what am I doing here kind of feelings. Can u keep me in prayer that it is a good burden that I give to the Lord rather than something that pulls me down? Feel sad too seeing the way christians live their lives...just comfortable lives...Don't wish to be judgemental, I'm not perfect either. But its a kind of burden... Thanks gal.

God continued to speak to me, and this time, it was through Randy Alcorn (Money, Posessions and Eternity) and Tim Chester (Good News to the poor) 's books, both very good books. The former about how we should live in light of eternity. The latter about how to balance social justice with preaching the gospel, aka, the humanitarian aspect of helping the poor, yet how we are short changing them if we only meet their physical needs, and do not share with them the gospel. Both challenged us to live simple lives, and to see God's eternity as more valuable than the so-called "sacrifices" we were making. In other words, it is about choosing something that is of higher value, as opposed to thinking that we are losing out on something.

To: C
Date: 12/03/2007 13:59
hellos.. Good to have lunch with u today. Feels lighter being able to think from an alternative perspective.. Just a para from my blog, thought it is something like what we were talking abt today... Was reading Tim Chester's book again yesterday, and he wrote about:"Godly contentment is not about austerity or ascentricism. It is about enjoyment.. involve opting for something of greater value."I was reflecting about whether I am really trying to spend less/live simply out of legalism (aka treating it as a sacrifice), or do I really enjoy the choices that I have made? Am I really convicted that choosing God is far more satisfying than the alternative (material satisfaction)? With this mind blowing revelation, I realise that choosing God is actually for my own good rather than a sacrifice. He loves us too much to not give us what is best for us. Just that humanly, we sometimes cannot grasp that the alternative is so valuable. Have a nice day! heh.. XJ

In June 2007, I went to the Breakthrough Weekend organized by CEFC. It was one of the most amazing and life transforming time. As God encouraged me through verses in Isaiah and told me that He was the one who brings light in darkness. And that He would use me to do so as well. And furthermore, as I went for ministry, they prayed for me against the "burden bearing" spirit. I felt so much burdens lifted up to me, as I released all the burdens I had about the poor to the Lord.

2) Learning to trust God

Since for a long while the idea of changing jobs was on my mind, I needed to hear from God. It was like, tell me God, should I change or should I not?

I was very confused and wrote out a list of pros and cons for the job switch to a humanitarian org,

To K and E

Date: May 20, 2007 6:24 PM
Pros:
1. Its my passion, i'm sure God put in my heart something abt the poor & marginalised for a reason. Finance is not exactly something I am interested in...
2. Yest was officially my 2 year anniversary at GIC! And it makes me wonder how many more 2 years there are gonna be...
3. Can learn stuffs at WV on how to run a non-profit...think that i am quite impressed with how it is runned.
4. Maybe it is much more purposeful work, and has a direct impact on the beneficiaries?
5. A step closer to social entrepreneurship? What i always wanted to do...
6. I don't look forward to work at office everyday....?

Now cons:
1. I don't know if God has called me to the mkt place. In the 2 years at GIC, God has opened doors, like last year for me to do a comm service role...and to bring a team to philippines to build hses.
2. There is a CF in GIC, and we have been organizing outreach events, the numbers are really encouraging. Feel a burden for my colleagues.
3. I remember when I was ard 19, I kinda had this vision of talking to a grp of businessmen. I am not sure if I got that vision right.....or if I make a switch to WV, then I will be moving away fr this mkt place kinda vision.
4. Hmm...Pay is good, colleagues are nice, I can gain more experience and prepare myself more?
Just switched division in Feb this year...cos boss wanted me to exposed to new things..it was very nice of him to do it for me...so I will feel bad if i leave.
5. Daddy and mummy will prob flip for awhile...

The answer I felt I got:

To: C

Date: 05/06/2007 15:32

I've been doing well too.. learning new things from God, and growing. =) One of the things He showed me about "that" decision, was for me to make my choice, and somehow felt He would be okay either way...watever choice I make. Somehow He seems to be giving me the liberty to do so, while working within my heart to guide my desires to be accordg to His. haha. Dunno if this makes sense......

It was a very challenging period as I felt very lost and confused with regards to my future. I felt very broken cos I thought I would never get to do the things that I wanted to do. I negotiated with God in prayer, O God, change my parents' heart ( and I mean now!)

Date: 27/08/2007 08:52

To the rest: Hey I decided to stay. Very tough choice to make. Still grappling with lost so need yr prayers. Decided to honour parents, don't think they r ready for this decision. And also sense some incomplete work in the mkt place ministry. Had to surrender my dream to God. Anyhow, thanks for yr prayers. Believe that all things work for His good and He has a season for everything. =)

During this time, Philip Yancey's book on Prayer was very good. Does God answer prayers or not? If so, why are there people who still die after they believed in healing? What does prayer mean, do we really ask and receive? Can we change God's mind? Yancey emphasizes that prayer is a two-way thing with God, whereby God calls us as partners through prayer.

In light of these, I feel that God might have blessed me even if I went on the WV. But I felt He was very very kind. He knew the kind of affirmation I needed from my family. I cant say 100% whether I should have left and should not have left last year. But He taught me a lot indeed when I decided to stay. I saw His sovereign power working in my family to change their hearts, and this new job I am getting into is perhaps closer to what I really wanted.

Sometimes, God's direction for us is not "go to A" or "go to B". I believe it is a constant wrestle of to-and-fro with Jesus. He did not make us as zombies, but He wants us to align our desires with His as we get to know Him more. Hence I would not say there is a right or wrong in the decisions we make- in that sense. But ultimately, what is even more impt than the decision, is the attitude in which we approach God. And the peace we have in the midst of uncertainty- indeed being able to rest in times of darkness challenges our faith in God. Even as we say we trust God, the challenge comes when we are in this time of "waiting" whereby nothing seems to be happening.

Feed my sheep

God has been really good to me. Always had a heart for youths, and there were quite a few that He brought into my path last year and this year! One of the most blessed friendship I treasure is the one with my intern, Y,who is 20 this year, and going to start uni in Japan in April this year. I feel that God has really blessed this friendship, and there is some sort of sharing of lives betw us, and loads of oppties to talk about God, about work, about life etc. Praise God that His kingdom is not contained within the church, but expands itself into the heart of the workplace. :) Every colleague is someone whom we can "pastor", "shepherd", "counsel". So many opportunities!

I'm getting busier as ministry stuff is building up, but not only that, I find many divine opportunities to speak into people's lives, many about emotional wounds. Sometimes I get so burdened and saddened by them.

Reading the gospels reminded me that Jesus, often went into solitude to pray. In light of many needs that He faced, He knew that the one thing He needed to do, was to abide in God.

The Answer

The Answer
Lyrics by Corrinne May Ying Foo
Music by Gustav Holst, ‘Jupiter’ from The Planets Suite
Copyright 2006, Corrinne May Ying Foo

I believe you are the answer to every tear I’ve cried
I believe that you are with me,
My rising and my light.

Give me strength when I am weary
Give me hope when I can’t see
Through the crosses I must carry
Lord, bind my heart to thee

That when all my days are over
and all my chores are done,
I may see your risen Glory
Forever where You are.

----------------------------------
I spent 8 years in a charismatic church. I learnt the power of God, asking by faith (and other things of cos).
In the past 2 years, I learnt the dealings of God on the inside when we go through suffering.

For not everyday is a ask-and-you-shall-receive kind of day. Some days in the past 2 years, I felt like I was speaking to emptiness, and darkness. Some days I cried tears of sorrows. But in all these, God is present. He is sovereign, and He is faithful.

When we come to see the faithfulness of God, even when we go through the abyss of darkness, we know that He is present. Its all about trusting in His character.

U must know that the above is not because we pray in faithlessness. But really, it is because of faith, that we can rest and trust, whatever the outcome that it works for the good of those who love Him.

Been reading Psalms, and it speaks a lot about God being our deliverer, that He is the one who will fight the enemies for us. But an impt criteria, it is to rest and trust in Him to act on our behalf.

For in every victory, there is a death. On the cross, Jesus died for us, and from there we receive victory. In our lives, we take up the cross and follow Him. "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." Matt 16. We die to our flesh, but not so that we will die forever, but so that we may find true life in Him.

Counter-Culture Jesus

I have been thinking about many things for the past few days. Some of my thoughts run unexpectedly, some triggered by others, some triggered by my inner struggles and fears.

This morning while waiting for my relatives to come, I watched Just Follow Law- a Jack Neo movie. I have not finished the whole movie, but the first 30 min of the movie at least caused a stir within me. This movie depicts the rules & regulations that bound the civil service, but other than that, it also reflects the day-to-day life struggles of a blue collared worker in Singapore. For things like buying a piano for her daughter, Gurmit Singh(blue collared worker) has to wait for his bonus to come. And even though he is unhappy in his job, he doesn't have much alternatives cos he is not very well educated, and has to support his young daughter.

Such realities of life in Singapore, which I never really experienced because my family is somewhat upper middle class.

Living in Singapore is getting expensive. And the mindset and culture of Singaporeans, I guess often is to be able to get a good education, a good job, and that sets you for a comfortable life. A cushy good job, so that maybe one day u can earn enough for that condominium, or that house u always wanted. Esp if I were the blue collared worker who strived so hard to get his bonus so that he could buy the piano for his daughter, why not aim for a higher standard of living. I see a glimpse of the struggles of daily living for the heartlander. And so I wrestle, as I thought about how I have (well, had) a cushy job, which could have landed me in that position of envy, of staying in a nice house, with a nice car, and comfortable living.

And so, before I went for visitation, I geared myself and prayed that God would guard my heart from the words that people may say to me. There were looks of surprises that I had quit my job. But somehow, it was not the people that created this stir in my heart. It was myself. Suddenly felt insecure that I was going on a different route from everyone.

And then I thought of Jesus and how He was counter culture, how He reached out to the prostitutes and the tax collectors- people in society whom others would not associate with. And then tonight as our car drove past Geylang, and I saw the streets filled with these women and foreign workers, my heart wretches with sadness. With sadness at how much the place needs God.

Had a good conversation with my uncle today, or rather he spoke most of the time. And he encouraged me in a way as he talked about missions and reaching out, and how if we could live out 40% of what the bible tells us to live, we are very good already. Because it is simply so tough to live out 100% of what the bible says. The bible is filled with radical stuff about giving up our all to follow Jesus, about loving our neighbours, about forgiving others. If we really did all that, this would be heaven on earth. Yet, I think we don't recognize this as a church, that we have failed in so many ways to fulfil the radical commandments of Jesus.

Somehow, God has placed within my heart such a love for the marginalized, I know it can only be His calling. And yet how greatly I struggle, just to cut down on my salary. I'm not even talking about going into foreign land or reducing my standard of living. Yes, I will still get to go home to my nice terrace house after work.

Oh Jesus...what would u do with this generation of people who struggle to give up their lives to follow after you? And how we are far from truly living out Your call for our lives?

One of the dearest things I've learnt after becoming a christian, is how loved I am. This makes me want to tell others how loved they are, and how precious they are to the Lord. I have gone through the journey, to know how one feels unworthy and condemned all the time. But I have received His healing and His love.

Indeed one of my other reflections during this season is of love & grace. The reason why we can't follow Jesus is because we don't know how much He loves us. Often we find that going to that ministry, or reaching out to that person is a hassle, cos we have not been radically touched by God's love on the inside. But once we know His everlasting and compassionate love, something changes in our hearts. And that is when one becomes radical for Christ.

Do not seek to be counter-culture, but seek Jesus, and He will teach you what to do. He will teach you how to love, how to live yr life, and how to feel in the way He feels about things.

"We need to be in that place. We're prisoners of love. Some people say, 'Oh, how noble. You're a missionary,', I'm just a prisoner of love. I don't have any choice. It is joy unspeakable and full of glory."
- Heidi Baker, Always Enough

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

Eph3:14-21

Radical love

On sat and sunday night I went to conference with Heidi Baker, and my heart was deeply blessed by the testimonies and stories she shared about the poor and her ministry. One of the stories was about a Pastor A in Africa who was attacked and murdered by someone who was anti-christian. The church prayed for the pastor, and on the way to hospital, he rose from the dead. But his mouth was swollen from the beating. The police found the murderer and called pastor B who was with pastor A. Pastor B put the phone next to Pastor A, who said with his swollen mouth, pls forgive him (the murderer). The next day Pastor A's swollen mouth and body was totally healed, and he could go to church. There, he met the man who tried to murder him, at the church, who gave his life to Jesus. Since then, the man has become a pastor. :)

Another story speaks of Heidi reaching out to a man on the streets who cursed at her to 'Go to hell' for the 2 years that she tried to reach out to him. Nevertheless, she always brought food there and tried to chat with him because she loved him with the love of Christ. One day she was attacked by this other lady, and the man (patrick) saw it and wanted to call the police. But Heidi knew if he called the police, the lady would be jailed, so she stopped him. And eventually, Patrick covered her and brought her to safety. He started crying and said for 2 years, u have been sharing with me about Christ, now I understand the love of Christ demonstrated in you.

There were many stories Heidi shared as she talked about the Riches of the poor, from testimonies of ple rising from the dead, to miraculous salvations, to God's provision through multiplying of bread etc etc. But I was deeply blessed by the radical love that was demonstrated through these stories. In which they reached out to the prostitutes, the homeless, the abused (rape and violence), the hungry on the streets, the unwanted, and wasn't this really, God's incarnate love.

There were altar calls on two nights to kneel before the Lord and to surrender our lives to Him. I felt Jesus poured out His love for me, that it flowed freely through me. :) And Jesus told me that He was the lover of my soul that I need not seek it in another. My mouth was filled with praises and songs unto Him. I felt the deep compassion of Christ for the lost and the broken and I asked Him, how can I meet those needs. It was only through the free flowing love that He gave to us. And it was in the strengthening of the inner man through the revelation of God's love. (Eph 3:16) Suddenly I felt boldness.

I am not sure how my life may change after this. I did not respond to the call for full-time missionaries. I don't know if this is God's call for my life, I pray He will guide. In spite of my constant sharings about my heart for the poor & marginalized, I don't know if my heart is really that big. If it has space for so many people, and that when I say I give my life to Christ, whether I am really willing to love His people to the extend of sacrificing my life for them. I am scared what this call really means and need to continue to pray that what He has birthed in my heart will become clearer by the day. I hope that I may look beyond myself inwardly and instead look towards the source and His finished work. It is finished, and His love so unconditionally poured out on us.

Build up my faith

I'm just going to briefly write down what I've been learning. I've been "forced" to take the mrt instead of the bus now that I've moved. Its usually a 10 min walk to the mrt, and the mrt is crowded so i've to stand. For the past few days now, I've began reading on the bus. I've been reading Always Enough by Roland & Heidi Baker, which is an account of God's work through the couple amongst the poor in HK, London, and finally Africa( Mozambique). Wow, their faith is amazing! And the faith needed to do missionary work in the third world is great! I'm so humbled, as I know that I don't have that kind of mountain moving faith. But if I can pinpoint what the year(s) of preparation means- God is preparing & building up my faith. Come on, if I cannot have faith in little things here, like work and talking to bosses and praying for my cell group members, what makes me think I can have faith for God's providence in missions, or God's miraculous power for the poor and sick? So much miracles are going on in the book. Yet not only miracles, but also many obstacles- serious ones of being chased out of their building, and having to feed & provide for the lodgings of 300 children after they were chased out. And everyday children turn up to their door steps, some have been raped multiple times, whereas others have seen their parents being killed in the war/on the streets, children with no arms and legs cos they are victims of abuse, and many have bloated tummies and flies sticking to them. It can get so disheartening and emotionally draining. I know that God is preparing me and building up my emotional capacity to be able to reach out to the people He has placed in my heart. But not just my heart, I gotto guard it and renew my mind this year. Shall continue to make it a point to meditate on God's word, believe in His promises and build up my faith on the way to work every morning! :) Remind me Jesus...

Was listening to a Corrinne May song, and it was in the context of her mum praying for her. Yet I became aware that Jesus is interceeding on our behalf in the heavenly realms. Dear God, thank you for yr song, for yr love for me. U are watching me grow, but also walking alongside of me. Help me to remember and to have faith in You. My God is big.