A bit surprised by my rollar coaster of emotions. One moment being v joyful and secure, and the next being worried and fearful. The devil attacks my mind, and gotto pray and pray and pray. Even when the emotional state feels down, to have faith that I am victorious in Christ! Reading abt some of the struggles my brothers and sisters go thru helps to encourage me, knowing that I am not alone, that as a christian, God didn't promise that there will be no dark days, but He promises His presence throughout the dark days. There's really not one particular situation that I can pinpoint in which I know is the source of distress. But more so this sense of uncertainty and feelings of doubt that cloud my mind- i.e. God, did u say that or not? Did u promise that? How come its like that if You have promised that? And then to be secure and to reject those feelings. To stand secure in His promises in spite of how I am feeling. :P
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I need to learn to handle uncertainty. Correction: I need to surrender to God all uncertainty, cos I can't handle them. At work- I can be writing proposals and descriptions of projects, but I don't see the outcomes. Sometimes there are bottle necks & miscommunications. It makes me frustrated. My idealistic and perfectionist nature says, we should complete this in this manner- efficiency being the key! If only so and so will do this and that, then all problems solved and we can move ahead! Oh, I don't like to wait at all! I rather roll up my sleeves and work and affect outcomes. Just let me be able to do something about it!
Waiting is a painful, but is crucial. It seems like we are doing nothing, but yet there is a lot going on. God moulding our hearts to learn patience, to learn to trust in His plans as they unfold into a beautiful tapestry. :P Men and women in the bible waited on God, and through that process were moulded. E.g. David running away from Saul and waiting to be king; Joseph a slave to Egypt and thrown to jail before his vision came to pass..etc etc. And I thought I had already learnt much about waiting & surrendering (e.g. waiting a year before I switched to social sector, surrendering relationships & ministries). It reminds me of Pastor Ed's sermon on Effficacy- which is to do the right thing at the right time with the right motivations resulting in the right outcome. It may not be the most efficient method as the world sees it. But yet with trust and obedience in God, truly in time to come, we will see how beautiful everything turns out in His time. :) Just when I thought I got nothing more to surrender!
I need to overcome this spirit of "poverty". The feelings that God will shortchange me for the surrender. That ultimately what is good will be taken from me. This is not God. God is loving, and He is the giver of all good things. The God who created all things and who did not spare His only son, how would He not freely give us all things?
Amen to all above. Now...I must go back and type more proposals.....
2 comments:
Glad I checked this blog first before the personal one. I'm always encouraged by your reflections on God. I always find that there's joy in Him, although this conviction only became real experientially recently. Used to only be a cognitive truth. Still trying to learn, now that the newfound joy is being tested. I finished Elliot, pass to you on Sunday. =)
hey Edmond, glad u r encouraged by this reflection. It was a struggle to write, and to talk abt surrender when I was/am feeling frustrated. ;) Actually, I am still trying to find that joy as well, and to keep it with me! Maybe happiness is not constantly with us, but joy still can be found as it is something more constant in spite of circumstances! I'm going 10am on sunday cos got a meeting at 12pm. Let me know which svc u going. =)
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