Grateful

I feel very grateful that whenever I am lost, my Papa comes to find me :)
Through people
Through His word
Through emails
Through divine interventions

He searches for me!

Heart bloated with love

I havent had the opportunity to blog abt penang since i came back cos was taking time to rest at night, plus the flurry of work meetings that ate into my evenings. .
Penang was great, i felt that i met with God in a new way..
It was a lot to do with the heart, and i felt impressed upon this verse, guard yr heart, bcos out of it flows the well springs of life. I certainly felt the flow of love into my heart, it was like milk honey.
Les, the speaker.. Said in one of his sessions that he sensed clogged arteries. It was like the wells that were covered and isaac needed to redig them. That was what someone told me in 2008 tat i had choked pipes. I figured out during prayer where the choking was, and went back to that past area of disappointment. It felt free releasing tat back to Daddy.
I begin to understand, how long how wide how deep his love is for me, and what Heidi baker said abt herself being a prisoner of love. Even as i received His flow of love. Felt that powerful anointing and force that made me fall backwards.
And Les prayed for my heart, and prayed for rest. I thot it will be a word of asking me to go forth for missions. But he said the word was rest. My dearest daughter, he said, i have been waiting for you, welcome home.. And after the prayer we talked, and he said it felt like i was an overly responsible person, and capable, tats why people gave me stuff to do. And it is indeed a transition time now in learning to rest... And really finding out the core (my heart) of who i am, what i am good at.. What excites me?

On my last night, the fatherly hug from Uncle J brought tears to my eyes. I was sad abt the farewell. And i started crying. It was bcos i felt the touch of unconditional love and kindness extended to me. It was undeserved. But so full of kindness. In that moment, Daddy God showed me He will love me anyway even if i stayed in GIC and didnt start working in GB.
I miss the folks there, many who have heard the heart of God for the nations, many fr YWAM. Many a thots of just waiting on Father, and letting Him lead wherever He wants us to go.
I pray He will fill me with more, and my heart may be bloated with His love.

The greatest mission field!

Just met Eugene, founder of Radion International (www.radion-international.org) for dinner. And as usual, very encouraged because Eugene is to me, one person who makes his faith real. People dying daily because they don't have enough to pay for their medical bills is real. And being there for them is real. Things in Singapore are unreal.
It is not exactly a needs based thing that calls us there. What we want is obedience. Joyful obedience to live the life that He calls us to.
Teared a bit even as i write this.

With the same eyes that sees profanity, i see God's loving creation. The same mouth that utters prayer, utters complaints. The same ears that listens to His replies, takes in filth. And i like the profanity, complaints and filth of this world. I like being comfortable. My flesh finds pleasure in many things.
I feel unworthy.. Yet i feel v worthy in Christ. The greatest battle field n mission field.. My heart.. I fear... Is still not totally won for Christ.

As much as i ask God for a life partner who loves God with all his heart, and who has a real r.s. with Him, i often wonder if I myself fulfil such a criteria. As much as i ask God for openings to missions, and His leading, i wonder if my heart is pure and clean and secure in Him to be overseas. I know the stresses are even greater there.

And yet i know, the more i look inwardly, the more i fail.
It is faith. Faith to believe, the faith to ask Him boldly for things, the faith to respond and obey. The faith to rest when things don't seem how they shd be. The faith to wait.. To grow, and to be moulded.

And looking back each step, it makes sense.. See His fingerprints in my life, and i can say amen! Now i understand! :)