C.S. Lewis says, "You never know how much you believe in the strength of the rope until you’re hanging by it over a cliff.”
It is faith...
Faith need not be exercised if seasons are not trying. Right?
The devil comes not in dark, ugly costumes, but he comes in shiny, pretty looking lollipops.
Its a season whereby all my belief in God is being tested. It is a scary, dark season.
Please please please pray for me.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Thursday, November 04, 2010
A season of growth
Because of my struggle with something I really wanted for the past few months, but I think it was not something God wanted for me, I realise that I don't really desire God. What I mean is, I desire a lot of things other than God. I don't fully recognize how deeply He loves me. If not, choosing Him over that other thing would have been easy? Yet even now, remnants of the desire to want that thing still remains.
But the really lovely thing is this, that in spite of my desires, He is very patient with me. He doesn't want me to have it, because He loves me. And I believe He cries with me, when I grieve.
Perhaps, it has helped to free me from the shoulds and should nots. In being real with God about my heart's desires. And during this journey, I shed many tears, because I realised the desires were linked to so many deep seated wounds. And then, I realised that my christianity was a farce. It is linked to so many things I felt I should or should not do, and that God would not love me if I didn't do so and so things.
I had a breakthrough today. I was feeling bad because of some comments people had said. Then I realised I was upset because I had taken in these comments as the truth. Whereas my value in Him was worth much more than that, and that it was okay for me to disagree with what was being said, and to forgive whoever had caused the offense. It helped so much in me being able to relate to the person involved with authenticity.
Its a season of growth and God is surfacing many things. But He also is real. And He is my everything, the one I talk to first in the face of any crisis. I hope He would always be.
But the really lovely thing is this, that in spite of my desires, He is very patient with me. He doesn't want me to have it, because He loves me. And I believe He cries with me, when I grieve.
Perhaps, it has helped to free me from the shoulds and should nots. In being real with God about my heart's desires. And during this journey, I shed many tears, because I realised the desires were linked to so many deep seated wounds. And then, I realised that my christianity was a farce. It is linked to so many things I felt I should or should not do, and that God would not love me if I didn't do so and so things.
I had a breakthrough today. I was feeling bad because of some comments people had said. Then I realised I was upset because I had taken in these comments as the truth. Whereas my value in Him was worth much more than that, and that it was okay for me to disagree with what was being said, and to forgive whoever had caused the offense. It helped so much in me being able to relate to the person involved with authenticity.
Its a season of growth and God is surfacing many things. But He also is real. And He is my everything, the one I talk to first in the face of any crisis. I hope He would always be.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Heart Pain
Most recently, I did something that my christian friends/mentors adviced me against doing. And now I'm reaping the effects of whatever I did. :( I feel so bad, but if I were to choose again, I think I may do it all over again.
I made myself vulnerable, perhaps because I always felt that loving is being vulnerable, and there's no way to just love people halfway. But loving is painful, and it hurts when it is not reciprocrated.
Nevertheless.... In the midst of this, I understood one thing, grace is not about my performance. I feel unworthy to serve, to mentor or lead others. And I ask myself what I think grace is? It is unearned, unmerited and even though I didn't meet religious expectations, I am righteous before Father God because of Jesus.
O dear Lord, pls be gracious to me and see me through this difficult time. :(
Jesus.. feeling the pain of rejection even as He loved...
Father.. the prodigal Father with outstretched arms waiting for the prodigal son's return.
Can one love unconditionally without expectation?
I made myself vulnerable, perhaps because I always felt that loving is being vulnerable, and there's no way to just love people halfway. But loving is painful, and it hurts when it is not reciprocrated.
Nevertheless.... In the midst of this, I understood one thing, grace is not about my performance. I feel unworthy to serve, to mentor or lead others. And I ask myself what I think grace is? It is unearned, unmerited and even though I didn't meet religious expectations, I am righteous before Father God because of Jesus.
O dear Lord, pls be gracious to me and see me through this difficult time. :(
Jesus.. feeling the pain of rejection even as He loved...
Father.. the prodigal Father with outstretched arms waiting for the prodigal son's return.
Can one love unconditionally without expectation?
Friday, August 06, 2010
My Heart's Desire
I am learning so much these days about God's grace and righteousness in Him.
I guess ever since becoming a Christian, I have been trying very hard to please God. Like reading the bible, serving, praying. And following all the disciplines. Before I became a christian, I was a "good" girl who was studious, nice etc. So I never really understood the concept of sin.
And now as I stand at the crossroads of decision making... and as my heart's desires surface... I come to realise grace which is unearned. Nothing I can do to make Him love me more. If I don't hide but surface the things that are on my heart, He would still love me. Obedience from the mind is something I can do but it would be with an unwilling heart. I can change my actions, but I can't change my heart and what He really wants is my heart. Even when I don't speak it out, He knows my heart. In "Prayer" Philip Yancey says that we often come to God with nice & politically correct prayers, but God hears the unspoken prayer in our heart.
Letting go of stuffs reveals to me the fears that are in my heart. Clinging on to things gives me that sense of security but once i let that go, I deal with the scary deep dark hole that is on the inside. And He wants to heal.
And knowing God as a Happy Father helps. Think my mind is really too intensed sometimes in thinking about things. But He just enjoys our company. He quiets us with His love..like singing a lovely lullaby. He loves us when we are unlovely. We don't have to hide the dark condition on our inside. Cos He knows, He sees, and yet He loves.
And only when we know He knows, sees and loves, that we can give our hearts to Him....
I am still trying to understand how deep how wide is His love for me.
I guess ever since becoming a Christian, I have been trying very hard to please God. Like reading the bible, serving, praying. And following all the disciplines. Before I became a christian, I was a "good" girl who was studious, nice etc. So I never really understood the concept of sin.
And now as I stand at the crossroads of decision making... and as my heart's desires surface... I come to realise grace which is unearned. Nothing I can do to make Him love me more. If I don't hide but surface the things that are on my heart, He would still love me. Obedience from the mind is something I can do but it would be with an unwilling heart. I can change my actions, but I can't change my heart and what He really wants is my heart. Even when I don't speak it out, He knows my heart. In "Prayer" Philip Yancey says that we often come to God with nice & politically correct prayers, but God hears the unspoken prayer in our heart.
Letting go of stuffs reveals to me the fears that are in my heart. Clinging on to things gives me that sense of security but once i let that go, I deal with the scary deep dark hole that is on the inside. And He wants to heal.
And knowing God as a Happy Father helps. Think my mind is really too intensed sometimes in thinking about things. But He just enjoys our company. He quiets us with His love..like singing a lovely lullaby. He loves us when we are unlovely. We don't have to hide the dark condition on our inside. Cos He knows, He sees, and yet He loves.
And only when we know He knows, sees and loves, that we can give our hearts to Him....
I am still trying to understand how deep how wide is His love for me.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Grace found me @ Penang
The one week in Penang has given my Christian life a totally new paradigm shift and breakthough in terms of my view of God.
Even though I know that God is kind and loving, I could never really receive it in my heart, and often felt bad when I did something wrong, or felt not good enough for Him.
The journey began when I signed up for the 2 day workshop in Singapore by Father Heart Ministries Asia. I was blessed as the speaker shared from the parables of the Prodigal son, as well as of the unforgiving Servant.
These are the two truths that were spoken:
1. The Father was waiting for the return of his son, even though the son had wanted his inheritance earlier, i.e. implication was telling his father that he wants him to die, and then went on a lifestyle of decadent living. He ended up having to work with pigs (which is unclean to the jews), and probably smelt of pigs when he came back. But the Father ran towards him and embraced him, and kissed him, and clothed him with a robe. How extravagant the Father's love is. This is Homecoming.
2. The master forgave the servant of a debt of 10,000 talents, which is equivalent to 60 million days of wages. A debt that could never have been repaid by the servant was forgiven! In the same way, Father God wipes out all our debts /sins before Him. We could never ever work our way through to our own salvation.
John 14 is pivoltal in my understanding of the Father. In it, Jesus says "I will not leave you as orphans", and He has prepared a room with many mansions, and He says, "Where I am, there you may be also". He uses "I am", which is present tensed, representing His current state of rest, that He is already now, at home and at rest with His Father, resting in His arms. John 1:18 says that Jesus is at the Father's side, or bosom (depending on your version), and this is the place that Father wants to bring us to.
And so the Father lovingly pursues us. And when the Fatherly Facilitator J invited me to go to Penang, I felt that it was a personal invitation from God. :D
We often pray and invite God to come into our meetings, the truth is, He is already present. It is just that our hearts do not have the capacity to receive Him.
Redemption, means that there was a previous ownership. We were created by God, even before we existed in our mother's wombs, God had us in mind. In His mind, we would be in that perfect place of Eden with no sorrows, or iniquities. God personally breathed His breathe into Adam. It is that level of initmacy that He desires for us. To know Him as our Creator. In us, is His very own breathe.
Did you know about the Mother Heart of God? God has feminine qualities in Him. Verses of how as a hen gather her chicks, as a mother would not forget her nursing child etc. That tenderness of God. It is in our mother's arms whereby we feel safe, where we feel trust.
I had to release forgiveness, and I wept all the pain and sorrow that was so deep. All the lies I bought into for all the years of my existance that I was not good enough. As I cried in the embrace of the ministers, I felt the Love of God in a most tangible way, through the love that these ones expressed. And yes, the words of truth & knowledge that were spoken went straight to the heart.
In one particular session, I just could not engage, but the lady who prayed for me said that this was a safe place, and I am not abandoned. The moment she said that, the floodgates opened. I cried all my fears of being myself, of feeling abandoned by God and by others. And I received that truth into my heart, that I was at a safe place of rest. Safe to be myself. I'm home, Daddy.
I saw visions. Of myself in a green grass field, worshipping God. It was that abundant freedom and joy in the green fields. Where I was with God. Me and God. Singing. We were created for freedom, and that freedom on the inside of my heart gushed out in Joy. :) On the last day I was scared that I would go back to my state of despair in Singapore. But He said that He had already burned His truth in my heart, and I know it. I felt waves and waves of His love flowing in me.
I'm greatly indebted to Uncle J and Aunty V who we stayed with, together with M and S. It was like a family. And on one divine night, Uncle Julian shared abt his experiences as a young adult, and I had a moment with him to share what I had been struggling with for long. And he prayed for me, did not judge me, but prayed for restoration. It amazes me how much God loves me to want me to be free from every area of struggle.
And yes the hugs made all the difference, I felt God's affection and love flowing through me, in particular the hug I received on the last day. The person praying for me told me that God was just pouring out His affection on me.
Beautiful, has been corrupted by the enemy, as we think beauty is of a certain image. But if you look into the eyes of each person, you see beauty. You see the fingerprint of God, and how can anything created in God's image not be beautiful?
I am immensely thankful. :)
Rest in the Father's Love. <3 The Father is ever pursuing us. And He would not leave as as orphans. So open up your heart to receive His love!
Even though I know that God is kind and loving, I could never really receive it in my heart, and often felt bad when I did something wrong, or felt not good enough for Him.
The journey began when I signed up for the 2 day workshop in Singapore by Father Heart Ministries Asia. I was blessed as the speaker shared from the parables of the Prodigal son, as well as of the unforgiving Servant.
These are the two truths that were spoken:
1. The Father was waiting for the return of his son, even though the son had wanted his inheritance earlier, i.e. implication was telling his father that he wants him to die, and then went on a lifestyle of decadent living. He ended up having to work with pigs (which is unclean to the jews), and probably smelt of pigs when he came back. But the Father ran towards him and embraced him, and kissed him, and clothed him with a robe. How extravagant the Father's love is. This is Homecoming.
2. The master forgave the servant of a debt of 10,000 talents, which is equivalent to 60 million days of wages. A debt that could never have been repaid by the servant was forgiven! In the same way, Father God wipes out all our debts /sins before Him. We could never ever work our way through to our own salvation.
John 14 is pivoltal in my understanding of the Father. In it, Jesus says "I will not leave you as orphans", and He has prepared a room with many mansions, and He says, "Where I am, there you may be also". He uses "I am", which is present tensed, representing His current state of rest, that He is already now, at home and at rest with His Father, resting in His arms. John 1:18 says that Jesus is at the Father's side, or bosom (depending on your version), and this is the place that Father wants to bring us to.
And so the Father lovingly pursues us. And when the Fatherly Facilitator J invited me to go to Penang, I felt that it was a personal invitation from God. :D
We often pray and invite God to come into our meetings, the truth is, He is already present. It is just that our hearts do not have the capacity to receive Him.
Redemption, means that there was a previous ownership. We were created by God, even before we existed in our mother's wombs, God had us in mind. In His mind, we would be in that perfect place of Eden with no sorrows, or iniquities. God personally breathed His breathe into Adam. It is that level of initmacy that He desires for us. To know Him as our Creator. In us, is His very own breathe.
Did you know about the Mother Heart of God? God has feminine qualities in Him. Verses of how as a hen gather her chicks, as a mother would not forget her nursing child etc. That tenderness of God. It is in our mother's arms whereby we feel safe, where we feel trust.
I had to release forgiveness, and I wept all the pain and sorrow that was so deep. All the lies I bought into for all the years of my existance that I was not good enough. As I cried in the embrace of the ministers, I felt the Love of God in a most tangible way, through the love that these ones expressed. And yes, the words of truth & knowledge that were spoken went straight to the heart.
In one particular session, I just could not engage, but the lady who prayed for me said that this was a safe place, and I am not abandoned. The moment she said that, the floodgates opened. I cried all my fears of being myself, of feeling abandoned by God and by others. And I received that truth into my heart, that I was at a safe place of rest. Safe to be myself. I'm home, Daddy.
I saw visions. Of myself in a green grass field, worshipping God. It was that abundant freedom and joy in the green fields. Where I was with God. Me and God. Singing. We were created for freedom, and that freedom on the inside of my heart gushed out in Joy. :) On the last day I was scared that I would go back to my state of despair in Singapore. But He said that He had already burned His truth in my heart, and I know it. I felt waves and waves of His love flowing in me.
I'm greatly indebted to Uncle J and Aunty V who we stayed with, together with M and S. It was like a family. And on one divine night, Uncle Julian shared abt his experiences as a young adult, and I had a moment with him to share what I had been struggling with for long. And he prayed for me, did not judge me, but prayed for restoration. It amazes me how much God loves me to want me to be free from every area of struggle.
And yes the hugs made all the difference, I felt God's affection and love flowing through me, in particular the hug I received on the last day. The person praying for me told me that God was just pouring out His affection on me.
Beautiful, has been corrupted by the enemy, as we think beauty is of a certain image. But if you look into the eyes of each person, you see beauty. You see the fingerprint of God, and how can anything created in God's image not be beautiful?
I am immensely thankful. :)
Rest in the Father's Love. <3 The Father is ever pursuing us. And He would not leave as as orphans. So open up your heart to receive His love!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Grace
Fresh from Penang:
Maybe for the first time, i understood grace and mercy as i waved goodbye to Uncle Julian and Aunty Vim. We were not related, we just got to know each other. But yet we received such love and care from them. The hugs we received first thing in the morning, and the last thing at night before we slept. It was like grace was present in the flesh. Something we did not earn or deserve, but we received in abundance. And mercy, yes all those times we should have received a harsh word for our mistakes, but we did not receive. It was true grace and mercy. I teared as i thought of the extravagent love of the Father. I didn't find Him. He found me and was ever seeking me out. It was only that my heart did not have the capacity then to receive it. But now it knows, and it opens wide to receive waves and waves of His goodness and love. I feel like a girl giddily in love with a boy who pursued her extravagently. I feel like a silly girl running into papa's arms to rest. Was this not afterall, all that i was seeking all along?
Yes this is a safe place to rest. And Jesus has prepared many mansions in His house. Home is a safe place where we can be ourselves, be crazy, be silly, afford to fail and know that we would still be loved.
Maybe for the first time, i understood grace and mercy as i waved goodbye to Uncle Julian and Aunty Vim. We were not related, we just got to know each other. But yet we received such love and care from them. The hugs we received first thing in the morning, and the last thing at night before we slept. It was like grace was present in the flesh. Something we did not earn or deserve, but we received in abundance. And mercy, yes all those times we should have received a harsh word for our mistakes, but we did not receive. It was true grace and mercy. I teared as i thought of the extravagent love of the Father. I didn't find Him. He found me and was ever seeking me out. It was only that my heart did not have the capacity then to receive it. But now it knows, and it opens wide to receive waves and waves of His goodness and love. I feel like a girl giddily in love with a boy who pursued her extravagently. I feel like a silly girl running into papa's arms to rest. Was this not afterall, all that i was seeking all along?
Yes this is a safe place to rest. And Jesus has prepared many mansions in His house. Home is a safe place where we can be ourselves, be crazy, be silly, afford to fail and know that we would still be loved.
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Beautiful Rag Doll
I went for a seminar last week on the Father's Heart, and I was very blessed as it was an intimate time with God, and also very ministering, as many of my childhood hurts were surfaced. In particular, Zeph 3:17 was quoted to me 3 times. I felt very affirmed.
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing"
I think it is a whole process of healing, and right after the seminar, more issues seemed to surface through different circumstances. I'm thankful though, that His love is my anchor.
The speaker spoke of the Father who was waiting for his son to come home, and hugged him and kissed him even though the son had earlier wished he was dead so he cld get his inheritance, and furthermore he was smelly cos he hung out with pigs. And another parable abt how the master forgave the servant who owed him 10,000 talents, equivalent to 60 million days of wages, which could never ever be repaid.
A fatherly facilitator came to talk to me, and I seemed to have found special favour in his eyes. :D He invited me for the Father's heart A school conference at Penang next week and offered to let me stay in the apartment with him and his wife. And today I just bought my airtickets! Im flying on the 6th and back on 13th June. Its seriously a time out with God. I am really looking forward to find Him.
God, help me....
Leaning on the Father's embrace.
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing"
I think it is a whole process of healing, and right after the seminar, more issues seemed to surface through different circumstances. I'm thankful though, that His love is my anchor.
The speaker spoke of the Father who was waiting for his son to come home, and hugged him and kissed him even though the son had earlier wished he was dead so he cld get his inheritance, and furthermore he was smelly cos he hung out with pigs. And another parable abt how the master forgave the servant who owed him 10,000 talents, equivalent to 60 million days of wages, which could never ever be repaid.
A fatherly facilitator came to talk to me, and I seemed to have found special favour in his eyes. :D He invited me for the Father's heart A school conference at Penang next week and offered to let me stay in the apartment with him and his wife. And today I just bought my airtickets! Im flying on the 6th and back on 13th June. Its seriously a time out with God. I am really looking forward to find Him.
God, help me....
Leaning on the Father's embrace.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
My Heart
Today during YWAM training for the Officers, these verses struck me, the Holy Spirit spoke deeply to my heart (there are those ocassions when He does show v clearly abt certain verses).
"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Ps 51
In thinking abt my future, I wonder if staying in humanitarian/community development work is better because it is a greater sacrifice. But it struck me deeply, God is not concerned with my sacrifice, He is concerned with the condition of my heart. An obedient heart. A broken heart.
I know that it would be more noble for me to continue on here. I know that I would sacrifice more of my pay. I know that my work would be meaningful.
But...O..where is my heart...God is concerned with my walk with Him, more so than my sacrifice. I struggle.
I pray that my heart would align with His, my desires would be according to His will. Pls guide me Lord.
"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Ps 51
In thinking abt my future, I wonder if staying in humanitarian/community development work is better because it is a greater sacrifice. But it struck me deeply, God is not concerned with my sacrifice, He is concerned with the condition of my heart. An obedient heart. A broken heart.
I know that it would be more noble for me to continue on here. I know that I would sacrifice more of my pay. I know that my work would be meaningful.
But...O..where is my heart...God is concerned with my walk with Him, more so than my sacrifice. I struggle.
I pray that my heart would align with His, my desires would be according to His will. Pls guide me Lord.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
It is Yours
My contract with the organization finishes in end April, and wow...2 years have passed. I have told them that I would not be continuing after that, and I'm not sure that feeling has completely sunk in. Though after I sent that email to my boss, I felt like something died...that I had to let go of something.
I haven't found another job yet, but am thinking of going back to the corporate. After I made this decision, yesterday I spoke to one of the EXCO members who asked me to consider staying. I said that I have decided but I am open to how God will lead me. :D
Why change? I think that being in the corporate helps me to gain certain professional skills that are necessary for tent making and missions overseas. I still love missions and community development, and being on the ground. But I am currently emotionally and spiritually not ready to be based on the ground now (i.e. being based overseas with the people). Being a volunteer also means more liberty and leeway to travel, since I am paying for my own expense.
Having said that, the one thing on the base line I've been trying to do is to let go. Let go...bcos ministry is a heavy responsibility which I feel weighed down by. I need to let go of the ministry back to God. The ministry is His...He would not allow the ministry to collapse because all the work is He's. All the women, children etc. are His.
Funny thing that ever since starting in the Non profit sector, my standard of living and lifestyle has not changed and in fact I am spending more money these days. On haircutting packages, gym, pedicure, facial pdts etc. Whatever happened to that thought that each cent I spend could have helped a child who has no food or education? I don't know...just feel that I cannot make lifestyle choices based on guilt.
And if there's no division between secular and sacred (i.e. marketplace work is just as important as full time), in the same way, full time work also has its mundane admin tasks that are nowhere special or spiritual in a sense. So...
Maybe I don't feel the need for angst anymore of why-am-i-in-a-comfortable-aircon-room-while-the-world is dying. Cos a lot of things are not dependent on what we can do, but on prayer. And it is about that "being" and not about that "doing", in which I live my life as a worship unto God.
Do I still love missions? Yes I do... Still that tugging of the heart seeing photos, being on the ground with the people. Have I become more cynical? I hope not. But I have become more wise...I hope...in realising that a lot of things have its pros and cons, and our best intentions to help people are coupled with its own sets of implications and impact on people on the ground. Am I better off being on the ground then? Even then...any work that is established by mere human effort will not be strong. Whatever it is..the Word seems to be obedience and trust. Is it difficult to let go? Yes it is...
I will be back...whatever and whenever that means..
I am giving God a blank cheque for this season to write in the way He wants... Remembering that He is a God who is kind & sovereign. If it is all God's, what is there about to be angsty? ;)
The song that made me tear, and expresses what I wanted to say.
Yours - Steven Curtis Chapman
I walk the streets of London
And notice in the faces passing by
Something that makes me stop and listen
My heart grows heavy with the cry
Where is the hope for London?
You whisper and my heart begins to soar
As I'm reminded
That every street in London in Yours
Oh, yes it is
I walk the dirt roads of Uganda
I see the scars that war has left behind
Hope like the sun is fading
They're waiting for a cure no one can find
And I hear children's voices singing
Of a God who heals and rescues and restores
And I'm reminded
That every child in Africa is Yours
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper,
Father and Ruler of everything
And I walk the sidewalks of Nashville
Like Singapore, Manila and Shanghai
I rush by the beggar's hand and the wealthy man
And everywhere I look I realize
That just like the streets of London
For every man and woman, boy and girl
All of creation
This is our Father's world
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper,
It's all Yours, God
It's all Yours, God
I’ve walked the valley of death’s shadow
So deep and dark that I could barely breathe
I’ve had to let go of more than I could bear
And questioned everything that I believe
But still even here in this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you
And we are Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
All the greatness and power,
the glory and splendor and majesty
Everything is Yours
Yeah, it's all Yours
We are Yours
The glory and honor is Yours, everything is Yours
I haven't found another job yet, but am thinking of going back to the corporate. After I made this decision, yesterday I spoke to one of the EXCO members who asked me to consider staying. I said that I have decided but I am open to how God will lead me. :D
Why change? I think that being in the corporate helps me to gain certain professional skills that are necessary for tent making and missions overseas. I still love missions and community development, and being on the ground. But I am currently emotionally and spiritually not ready to be based on the ground now (i.e. being based overseas with the people). Being a volunteer also means more liberty and leeway to travel, since I am paying for my own expense.
Having said that, the one thing on the base line I've been trying to do is to let go. Let go...bcos ministry is a heavy responsibility which I feel weighed down by. I need to let go of the ministry back to God. The ministry is His...He would not allow the ministry to collapse because all the work is He's. All the women, children etc. are His.
Funny thing that ever since starting in the Non profit sector, my standard of living and lifestyle has not changed and in fact I am spending more money these days. On haircutting packages, gym, pedicure, facial pdts etc. Whatever happened to that thought that each cent I spend could have helped a child who has no food or education? I don't know...just feel that I cannot make lifestyle choices based on guilt.
And if there's no division between secular and sacred (i.e. marketplace work is just as important as full time), in the same way, full time work also has its mundane admin tasks that are nowhere special or spiritual in a sense. So...
Maybe I don't feel the need for angst anymore of why-am-i-in-a-comfortable-aircon-room-while-the-world is dying. Cos a lot of things are not dependent on what we can do, but on prayer. And it is about that "being" and not about that "doing", in which I live my life as a worship unto God.
Do I still love missions? Yes I do... Still that tugging of the heart seeing photos, being on the ground with the people. Have I become more cynical? I hope not. But I have become more wise...I hope...in realising that a lot of things have its pros and cons, and our best intentions to help people are coupled with its own sets of implications and impact on people on the ground. Am I better off being on the ground then? Even then...any work that is established by mere human effort will not be strong. Whatever it is..the Word seems to be obedience and trust. Is it difficult to let go? Yes it is...
I will be back...whatever and whenever that means..
I am giving God a blank cheque for this season to write in the way He wants... Remembering that He is a God who is kind & sovereign. If it is all God's, what is there about to be angsty? ;)
The song that made me tear, and expresses what I wanted to say.
Yours - Steven Curtis Chapman
I walk the streets of London
And notice in the faces passing by
Something that makes me stop and listen
My heart grows heavy with the cry
Where is the hope for London?
You whisper and my heart begins to soar
As I'm reminded
That every street in London in Yours
Oh, yes it is
I walk the dirt roads of Uganda
I see the scars that war has left behind
Hope like the sun is fading
They're waiting for a cure no one can find
And I hear children's voices singing
Of a God who heals and rescues and restores
And I'm reminded
That every child in Africa is Yours
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper,
Father and Ruler of everything
And I walk the sidewalks of Nashville
Like Singapore, Manila and Shanghai
I rush by the beggar's hand and the wealthy man
And everywhere I look I realize
That just like the streets of London
For every man and woman, boy and girl
All of creation
This is our Father's world
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper,
It's all Yours, God
It's all Yours, God
I’ve walked the valley of death’s shadow
So deep and dark that I could barely breathe
I’ve had to let go of more than I could bear
And questioned everything that I believe
But still even here in this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you
And we are Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
All the greatness and power,
the glory and splendor and majesty
Everything is Yours
Yeah, it's all Yours
We are Yours
The glory and honor is Yours, everything is Yours
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Dying to myself
While I was at Padang during one of our devotion times, I had this impression about John the Baptist saying that He who is coming is greater than him (John). And amazingly, as A shared devotions, he referred to John the Baptist, and the promise of Jesus and the Holy Spirit!
When I got back to Singapore, Shir sent me an email about how all that we do is for God's glory and not our own. Like John the Baptist who knew that he was here on earth for a purpose - to prepare the way for Jesus.
When a message is being repeated 3 times, U got to start paying attention to it. I've been thinking about it, and today I understood its meaning!
I had a talk with my boss today, and she affirmed me. She said that she sees me dying to myself, and embracing the vision of another. I was very encouraged when I heard that because I felt that this whole 1 year and 8 months at GB has been a journey of learning servant leadership.
Learning to die to my own ambitions, to embrace God's calling, and to do everything for His glory.
And... in exchange receiving the resurrected life of Jesus.
After a series of almost going and not going to Cambodia, I may be finally really going to Cambodia in late Feb! :) Prayed and told God I'm not going to be the one making the trip happen anymore. If it is Your will, pls open the doors and let people be asking me to go.
P/S Today is exactly 2 years after my parents said yes to my job switch.
When I got back to Singapore, Shir sent me an email about how all that we do is for God's glory and not our own. Like John the Baptist who knew that he was here on earth for a purpose - to prepare the way for Jesus.
When a message is being repeated 3 times, U got to start paying attention to it. I've been thinking about it, and today I understood its meaning!
I had a talk with my boss today, and she affirmed me. She said that she sees me dying to myself, and embracing the vision of another. I was very encouraged when I heard that because I felt that this whole 1 year and 8 months at GB has been a journey of learning servant leadership.
Learning to die to my own ambitions, to embrace God's calling, and to do everything for His glory.
And... in exchange receiving the resurrected life of Jesus.
After a series of almost going and not going to Cambodia, I may be finally really going to Cambodia in late Feb! :) Prayed and told God I'm not going to be the one making the trip happen anymore. If it is Your will, pls open the doors and let people be asking me to go.
P/S Today is exactly 2 years after my parents said yes to my job switch.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Dreaming of authentic christianity...
Last week I was supposed to go to Cambodia on Thurs, but a sudden turn in events meant I wasn't going. And I could serve in the Banquet of Honour.
The Banquet of Honour is a series of lunches and dinners for the migrant workers- domestic helpers & blue collared workers- to thank them for their service in Singapore, for taking up jobs that are much needed in Singapore. And the bible also teaches us as christians, we are to love the foreigners in our land.
So this took place from Wednesday to Sunday at four different locations.
And because I wasn't going to Cambodia, I could serve on Friday and Sunday night, I know that God must have His agenda for me here.
Friday was amazing, bcos Andrew and I went to Little India before the dinner to look for Bangladeshi people to invite to the dinner. I had 10 tickets, but only 3 filled, so we wanted to find people to come. It reminded me of the Wedding in the bible whereby the Master sent out His servants to bring in the poor to attend the wedding. And the streets were filled with Indians, but amazingly, we found 3 bangladeshis and we invited them to come. Its always been my dream to walk the streets and invite the migrants to come for dinner, so it was so surreal. I'm not sure if they went though, cos I didn't see them at the table, hopefully they came and allocated to other tables?
Anyway at dinner, we were allocated to a table of young men. And one of them was particularly enthusiastic, kept dancing to the music. The Bangladeshis are a very spontaneous and talented bunch. They danced really well, like we were in some Bollywood show(looked like indian dance), and we became the minority amongst them. It was like I was transported to Bangladesh. I think I don't even need to go Bangladesh already- it was that kind of feeling. So we served them chicken, rice, drinks and all, it was really fun scooping rice for them etc. =) It was good seeing them relax and really enjoy themselves.
Since Friday night, whenever I see foreign workers, I feel a total change in mindset. Its no longer like I am one level up or that they are just a grp of foreign workers. They are individuals...people with a culture, with talents who are in our midst.
Sunday night I served with Jon and Shirley for the burmese tables. Our table only had 4 people and it was buffet style, so it was so much slacker. But it was nice chatting with them and serving together. And the burmese are so different from the Bangladeshis, more quiet. It was interesting to see the different cultures.
What was really nice was driving to Little India again later to visit HOME - shirley's spontaneous suggestion, and then to Changi Village, sitting in some hut next to the waves and talking about our plans for International students. Talking past mid night about authentic christianity...heh...God allow us to indulge in sharing and talking and dreaming...
Thankful for the little recharging in the midst of my valley....
The Banquet of Honour is a series of lunches and dinners for the migrant workers- domestic helpers & blue collared workers- to thank them for their service in Singapore, for taking up jobs that are much needed in Singapore. And the bible also teaches us as christians, we are to love the foreigners in our land.
So this took place from Wednesday to Sunday at four different locations.
And because I wasn't going to Cambodia, I could serve on Friday and Sunday night, I know that God must have His agenda for me here.
Friday was amazing, bcos Andrew and I went to Little India before the dinner to look for Bangladeshi people to invite to the dinner. I had 10 tickets, but only 3 filled, so we wanted to find people to come. It reminded me of the Wedding in the bible whereby the Master sent out His servants to bring in the poor to attend the wedding. And the streets were filled with Indians, but amazingly, we found 3 bangladeshis and we invited them to come. Its always been my dream to walk the streets and invite the migrants to come for dinner, so it was so surreal. I'm not sure if they went though, cos I didn't see them at the table, hopefully they came and allocated to other tables?
Anyway at dinner, we were allocated to a table of young men. And one of them was particularly enthusiastic, kept dancing to the music. The Bangladeshis are a very spontaneous and talented bunch. They danced really well, like we were in some Bollywood show(looked like indian dance), and we became the minority amongst them. It was like I was transported to Bangladesh. I think I don't even need to go Bangladesh already- it was that kind of feeling. So we served them chicken, rice, drinks and all, it was really fun scooping rice for them etc. =) It was good seeing them relax and really enjoy themselves.
Since Friday night, whenever I see foreign workers, I feel a total change in mindset. Its no longer like I am one level up or that they are just a grp of foreign workers. They are individuals...people with a culture, with talents who are in our midst.
Sunday night I served with Jon and Shirley for the burmese tables. Our table only had 4 people and it was buffet style, so it was so much slacker. But it was nice chatting with them and serving together. And the burmese are so different from the Bangladeshis, more quiet. It was interesting to see the different cultures.
What was really nice was driving to Little India again later to visit HOME - shirley's spontaneous suggestion, and then to Changi Village, sitting in some hut next to the waves and talking about our plans for International students. Talking past mid night about authentic christianity...heh...God allow us to indulge in sharing and talking and dreaming...
Thankful for the little recharging in the midst of my valley....
Saturday, November 07, 2009
What's my intention (2)
I've been writing proposals and trying to push for exploratory trips overseas. Partners have approached us, some since a long time ago, and we have not yet gone! Most of them want us to run our programme there, or leadership training, or community development. And I really hope that the projects can fly too.
Yesterday as I stopped and reflected, a very sharp thought came to my mind.
Xiaojia, Why are you so keen to go?
I've been feeling frustrated cos I haven't been traveling since June for work, and July for visit to Philippines to see my kid. I yearn again to see the people in the villages, those familiar faces, or new faces, to see the ground.
To revive my tired heart again to feel.
To find God amongst the poor.
My intentions are perhaps less than altruistic. If by going, I would bring more inconvenience to people. If after the initial exploratory trip, and we are not able to follow up on the projects after that- am I then willing to say - Lord, I am willing to stay here, to handle all the administration. I am willing to surrender my pride, to do the unglam work and to wait.
Am I willing?
------
Re-reading Heidi Baker's Book - Always Enough..
Why did I tear when I heard her sharing her testimony live? Why did I tear when I read the book?
I teared not because of how strong or courageous or sacrificial she was. She is.
But I teared because of the faithful God who is always enough. The compassionate God who loves men and women and children that He would go to the dumps, the slums, the villages, places where there is no hope. To seek what was lost.
When I read of testimonies of God multiplying food for example...God provided miraculously.
It reminded me that Heidi is able to do this great work, not because the burden was upon herself to accomplish the work. She is able to do the work because she has caught a glimpse of the Father's Heart.
Surely we will burn out if we depend on ourselves. But we will soar and be joyful, when we serve our El-Shaddai. The God who is always enough.
Do I really know my God?
Yesterday as I stopped and reflected, a very sharp thought came to my mind.
Xiaojia, Why are you so keen to go?
I've been feeling frustrated cos I haven't been traveling since June for work, and July for visit to Philippines to see my kid. I yearn again to see the people in the villages, those familiar faces, or new faces, to see the ground.
To revive my tired heart again to feel.
To find God amongst the poor.
My intentions are perhaps less than altruistic. If by going, I would bring more inconvenience to people. If after the initial exploratory trip, and we are not able to follow up on the projects after that- am I then willing to say - Lord, I am willing to stay here, to handle all the administration. I am willing to surrender my pride, to do the unglam work and to wait.
Am I willing?
------
Re-reading Heidi Baker's Book - Always Enough..
Why did I tear when I heard her sharing her testimony live? Why did I tear when I read the book?
I teared not because of how strong or courageous or sacrificial she was. She is.
But I teared because of the faithful God who is always enough. The compassionate God who loves men and women and children that He would go to the dumps, the slums, the villages, places where there is no hope. To seek what was lost.
When I read of testimonies of God multiplying food for example...God provided miraculously.
It reminded me that Heidi is able to do this great work, not because the burden was upon herself to accomplish the work. She is able to do the work because she has caught a glimpse of the Father's Heart.
Surely we will burn out if we depend on ourselves. But we will soar and be joyful, when we serve our El-Shaddai. The God who is always enough.
Do I really know my God?
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
What's my Intention?
It has been really kind of hard these days. I've been feeling regular bouts of tiredness and sometimes insommia so that I am not able to fall asleep until some time. I don't really know whats the cause! But on occasions when the veil gets lifted up, I feel God's love, really know it, and joy fills my heart, that I am able to give thanks to God.
The question that He seems to be prompting me is this- What is your motivation for doing what you are doing?
I would say - save lives, help people, eradicate poverty, give people livelihood skills.
These reasons all but give me added pressure, as I think about what I can do, who I need to reply and answer to, and how the project can move.
But if my reason, is all but to let God be glorified, and to be His instrument to serve Him, it becomes such a privilege to partner with my God, for His Kingdom to come on earth.
Sometimes, I'm so caught up that I forget, the one who really loves His people is none other then God.
I pray to be able to see from His perspective, how He is moving in lives, and how He is moving into different nations and projects. That He is not just a part of the project, but He is everything about the project. He is the one who initiates, the one who would carry it through and sustain it. He is everything. And His people are the ones He loves.
So that I may stop angsting about why person A is not replying me, and what I should reply to person B. If only I may know He is in control of the situations.
The problem is, I don't seem to have that faith to believe. Its a cycle that seems to perpetuate.. And then sometimes I shoot myself down for not being resilient enough to overcome these issues, because afterall, I'm not facing life and death issues. Compared to Paul who went through sufferings, hardships, imprisonment, what are my problems compared to him? But I shouldn't even be angsting about this, because when I start focusing on what I can do/overcome, it becomes my self effort all over again.
Its really a daily battle of my mind, but yet a rest of my heart, in His sovereign grace over my life and over the world.
That's amidst so many beautiful and wonderful testimonies of seeing God's hand at work in the projects, and new things happening at church, and lives transformed.
That emptiness or chasing after the wind or that sense of how our works are like filty rags before a righteous God.
No matter how many good works, whether it is migrant workers (Banquet of Honour coming up, yay), or social enterprise, or micro businesses, or mission trips, they are empty. If not for the perspective of why we are doing what we are doing. And for whom. And then knowing that afterall, God doesn't need us to work for Him.
Pls help me dear God, because faith is a mustard seed.
The question that He seems to be prompting me is this- What is your motivation for doing what you are doing?
I would say - save lives, help people, eradicate poverty, give people livelihood skills.
These reasons all but give me added pressure, as I think about what I can do, who I need to reply and answer to, and how the project can move.
But if my reason, is all but to let God be glorified, and to be His instrument to serve Him, it becomes such a privilege to partner with my God, for His Kingdom to come on earth.
Sometimes, I'm so caught up that I forget, the one who really loves His people is none other then God.
I pray to be able to see from His perspective, how He is moving in lives, and how He is moving into different nations and projects. That He is not just a part of the project, but He is everything about the project. He is the one who initiates, the one who would carry it through and sustain it. He is everything. And His people are the ones He loves.
So that I may stop angsting about why person A is not replying me, and what I should reply to person B. If only I may know He is in control of the situations.
The problem is, I don't seem to have that faith to believe. Its a cycle that seems to perpetuate.. And then sometimes I shoot myself down for not being resilient enough to overcome these issues, because afterall, I'm not facing life and death issues. Compared to Paul who went through sufferings, hardships, imprisonment, what are my problems compared to him? But I shouldn't even be angsting about this, because when I start focusing on what I can do/overcome, it becomes my self effort all over again.
Its really a daily battle of my mind, but yet a rest of my heart, in His sovereign grace over my life and over the world.
That's amidst so many beautiful and wonderful testimonies of seeing God's hand at work in the projects, and new things happening at church, and lives transformed.
That emptiness or chasing after the wind or that sense of how our works are like filty rags before a righteous God.
No matter how many good works, whether it is migrant workers (Banquet of Honour coming up, yay), or social enterprise, or micro businesses, or mission trips, they are empty. If not for the perspective of why we are doing what we are doing. And for whom. And then knowing that afterall, God doesn't need us to work for Him.
Pls help me dear God, because faith is a mustard seed.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Grace
Went for a talk on reaching International students last week, but instead the speaker spoke mostly about grace.
Grace= I want to, not cos I have to or I ought to. (in terms of serving, praying, reading bible etc etc)
Do I serve God because I want to?
When u first know the Lord, u ask people what do I have to do? Read bible? Pray?
When u know God better, u are convicted that these are things u ought to do.
When u know God's grace, u want to do because u really enjoy doing these things.
In John, Jesus asked Peter, do you love (agape) me 2 times, and on the third time He asked, do you love (phileo) me? Do u, Peter, like me? The speaker pointed out its actually easier to love someone than to like someone! Do I like being with Jesus, do I enjoy His company? ;)
Its only this 1 year I think that I began to understand grace. Grace is so paradoxical. Grace gives me the confidence to come into God's presence, and the self worth as I meet people. But it is because I recognize that I am broken, ragged and so sinful. It is God's grace and love so deep that accepts me. Grace looks at the sin beneath your good, but God still loves u anyway. Paradoxical because if I were to look at myself and think of what I can do, and how I can improve, immediately I lose this grace and I feel defeated because in me there is nothing. Its like I need not strive but I rest in God's love for me. I don't always feel that way though, because I am prone to want to do something to earn God's love and to please Him with regards to work and ministry.
Its extremely difficult in a performance driven society to believe in Grace- His unconditional abundant love. When the world bombards you with what you must or must not do. When the church or christians are not full of grace towards you. Somehow Grace always comes with the word "but". U are loved, "but" you need to blah blah blah. Real grace is always radical.
Whats the "but" here? There must be some catch. Actually I don't think its a "but". Its really "and". Grace is freely given. "And" we love others cos we want to, not because we have to.
Actually it makes me think that a lot of things I am doing is cos I feel I ought to. I ought to help the poor, I ought to evangelise, I ought to do missions..
Is that bad though? Because I believe there are times we don't FEEL like doing stuff. I think as long as we are not doing stuff so that we will be justified. Well ofcos, it makes me wonder abt my motivation for working in the non profit, christian work.
Grace= I want to, not cos I have to or I ought to. (in terms of serving, praying, reading bible etc etc)
Do I serve God because I want to?
When u first know the Lord, u ask people what do I have to do? Read bible? Pray?
When u know God better, u are convicted that these are things u ought to do.
When u know God's grace, u want to do because u really enjoy doing these things.
In John, Jesus asked Peter, do you love (agape) me 2 times, and on the third time He asked, do you love (phileo) me? Do u, Peter, like me? The speaker pointed out its actually easier to love someone than to like someone! Do I like being with Jesus, do I enjoy His company? ;)
Its only this 1 year I think that I began to understand grace. Grace is so paradoxical. Grace gives me the confidence to come into God's presence, and the self worth as I meet people. But it is because I recognize that I am broken, ragged and so sinful. It is God's grace and love so deep that accepts me. Grace looks at the sin beneath your good, but God still loves u anyway. Paradoxical because if I were to look at myself and think of what I can do, and how I can improve, immediately I lose this grace and I feel defeated because in me there is nothing. Its like I need not strive but I rest in God's love for me. I don't always feel that way though, because I am prone to want to do something to earn God's love and to please Him with regards to work and ministry.
Its extremely difficult in a performance driven society to believe in Grace- His unconditional abundant love. When the world bombards you with what you must or must not do. When the church or christians are not full of grace towards you. Somehow Grace always comes with the word "but". U are loved, "but" you need to blah blah blah. Real grace is always radical.
Whats the "but" here? There must be some catch. Actually I don't think its a "but". Its really "and". Grace is freely given. "And" we love others cos we want to, not because we have to.
Actually it makes me think that a lot of things I am doing is cos I feel I ought to. I ought to help the poor, I ought to evangelise, I ought to do missions..
Is that bad though? Because I believe there are times we don't FEEL like doing stuff. I think as long as we are not doing stuff so that we will be justified. Well ofcos, it makes me wonder abt my motivation for working in the non profit, christian work.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Servant leadership
Yesterday during P&D service at GB, we sang this song, and one of the lyrics was "Christ and service".
I felt a sudden lump in my throat because suddenly I understood how Christ and service linked together.
In Feb, Shir told me that I need to be broken before I can be used by God. How true.
This journey has helped me to understand what a servant is = a servant has no rights of his/her own, and he seeks to please the master.
However, being a servant is different from having a servant spirit. A pastor said, you can tell servant from servant spirit only when you're slighted. How will u react? The way to have a servant spirit is to be grateful. Everyone can be a servant because of his/her position. A servant has to work for the master, and tasked to do certain things, and one may do things in a grudging manner. But to truly have a servant spirit, one serves with thankfulness. A servant may be serving under fear, i.e. fear of how others will see him/her, while someone with a servant spirit serves with love. Truly he is not serving because he is afraid of what people will say, but serving to bless others, because he has known the love of the Master.
Then coming to servant leader- A servant leader becomes a leader so that he/she can serve others.
The leader serves with humility, meekness and submission. It is so important to be humble and broken before God. And sometimes it takes a lot of experience to break us before we learn humility. But this is different from being of low self esteemed. The leader carries an authority and boldness that comes from Christ.
It has been a difficult journey learning submission and love for others. To bless when people talk you down. To pray for the ones who slight you. To love the people who are difficult to love. Yes, it is that inner posture of the heart towards others. And yes, it is about CHRIST and SERVICE. Because Christ first came to serve and love us. And not everyone understood His love. He was taunted, stripped and beaten. But love kept Him on the cross.
I felt a sudden lump in my throat because suddenly I understood how Christ and service linked together.
In Feb, Shir told me that I need to be broken before I can be used by God. How true.
This journey has helped me to understand what a servant is = a servant has no rights of his/her own, and he seeks to please the master.
However, being a servant is different from having a servant spirit. A pastor said, you can tell servant from servant spirit only when you're slighted. How will u react? The way to have a servant spirit is to be grateful. Everyone can be a servant because of his/her position. A servant has to work for the master, and tasked to do certain things, and one may do things in a grudging manner. But to truly have a servant spirit, one serves with thankfulness. A servant may be serving under fear, i.e. fear of how others will see him/her, while someone with a servant spirit serves with love. Truly he is not serving because he is afraid of what people will say, but serving to bless others, because he has known the love of the Master.
Then coming to servant leader- A servant leader becomes a leader so that he/she can serve others.
The leader serves with humility, meekness and submission. It is so important to be humble and broken before God. And sometimes it takes a lot of experience to break us before we learn humility. But this is different from being of low self esteemed. The leader carries an authority and boldness that comes from Christ.
It has been a difficult journey learning submission and love for others. To bless when people talk you down. To pray for the ones who slight you. To love the people who are difficult to love. Yes, it is that inner posture of the heart towards others. And yes, it is about CHRIST and SERVICE. Because Christ first came to serve and love us. And not everyone understood His love. He was taunted, stripped and beaten. But love kept Him on the cross.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Heaven
I finished C.S. Lewis's The Problem of Pain, and I liked these parts in his discourse on Heaven.
Its an insightful perspective, beyond sitting on clouds and playing harps:
(1) That yearning and desire of your soul.......that will be fulfilled in heaven....
"Again, you have stood before some landscape, which seems to embody what you have been looking for all your life; and then turned to the friend at your side who appears to be seeing what you saw- but at the first words a gulf yawns between you, and you realise that this landscape means something totally different to him, and that he is pursuing an alien vision and cares nothing for the ineffable suggestion by which you are transported...Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it- tantalising glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear...It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasible want...
Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it- made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand."
(2) That needing to let go of the things you love, because if you hold on to it, you find that it becomes elusive. But when you are able to surrender, love grows. Have u ever wanted really something badly? I find that the more I try to control it, the more it evades me.
"The thing itself has never actually been embodied in any thought or image or emotion. Always it has summoned you out of yourself. And if you will not go out of yourself to follow it, if you sit down to brood on the desire and attempt to cherish it, the desire itself will evade you...The thing you long for summons you away from the self. Even the desire for the thing lives only if you abandon it. This is the ultimate law- the seed dies to live, the bread must be cast upon the waters, he that loses his soul will save it. But the life of the seed, the finding of the bread, the recovery of the soul, are as real as the preliminary sacrifice. "
Its an insightful perspective, beyond sitting on clouds and playing harps:
(1) That yearning and desire of your soul.......that will be fulfilled in heaven....
"Again, you have stood before some landscape, which seems to embody what you have been looking for all your life; and then turned to the friend at your side who appears to be seeing what you saw- but at the first words a gulf yawns between you, and you realise that this landscape means something totally different to him, and that he is pursuing an alien vision and cares nothing for the ineffable suggestion by which you are transported...Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it- tantalising glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear...It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasible want...
Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it- made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand."
(2) That needing to let go of the things you love, because if you hold on to it, you find that it becomes elusive. But when you are able to surrender, love grows. Have u ever wanted really something badly? I find that the more I try to control it, the more it evades me.
"The thing itself has never actually been embodied in any thought or image or emotion. Always it has summoned you out of yourself. And if you will not go out of yourself to follow it, if you sit down to brood on the desire and attempt to cherish it, the desire itself will evade you...The thing you long for summons you away from the self. Even the desire for the thing lives only if you abandon it. This is the ultimate law- the seed dies to live, the bread must be cast upon the waters, he that loses his soul will save it. But the life of the seed, the finding of the bread, the recovery of the soul, are as real as the preliminary sacrifice. "
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Power in the secular world?
Decided to write a post before I leave for Philippines tmr. As you know by now, my other blog is usually more frivalous and updates of my life.
I've been wanting to blog about AWARE, even though as a friend pointed out, the topic has been discussed Ad nauseam. I guess I still want to put in my 2 cents worth.
I have not been reading too much about what christians or non christians have been writing in their blogs. But one particular email caught my attention, by this lady who said she was crying non-stop as she took a cab home from the AWARE EGM. She was burdened and sad about what happened at the EGM. In her email, she mentioned that the secular and religious cannot be separate because we as christians, live our lives and beliefs in the secular. And she asked, where were the young adult christians, and why didn't they stand up for Christ.
This got me thinking. The reason is, I have been telling people that the newbies are using the wrong platform to make their religious beliefs known. Upon reading the email, it provoked thoughts within me- because, it is also my belief that we do not segregate the religious and the secular as christians. We are to live as salt and light in the world. Did we miss out an opportunity to stand up for Christ? Have the Singaporean christians retreated in light of "persecution"? I always questioned if Singaporean Christians could endure persecution in light of our comfortable lives.
But amongst the complex thoughts that were within me, it dawned upon me, what I was uncomfortable with was not the platform, but it was the spirit behind which it was being done.
I was uncomfortable when emails started circulating to ask christians to make a stand and join AWARE, and support the newbies. Since when did it become a war to win or lose control?
And then after chatting with another friend, I remembered this post that I wrote long time ago on Hiding Behind the Cross. Yes we can be involved in politics and secular organizations. But as christians, we serve with love and humility- that is the power of the cross. But we have become "militant" and self righteous in our beliefs. And that was exactly the problem with the Pharisees!
No doubt well-meaning, and yes, as christians, we make a stand for our beliefs. But we ought to do it in love. And it is not about being in positions of power so that we can control. It is as Christ loved when He came, identifying with the weak.
Tim Chester - "Christian ministry is not conducted through political power or media influence. It is conducted in the upside down, unpredictable power of the cross. It is conducted through weakness and dishonour."
"The church as the church should not seek power or influence in a secular sense. Instead it should seek opportunities to serve the world. As the church follows the way of the cross, it must choose 'participation in the powerlessness of God in the world'. It stands with the weak and the powerless. It speaks on behalf of those whose voice is not heard. It seeks justice for the poor."
We are ofcos, talking about a different group from the poor. Talking about homosexuals is delicate. My stand- I believe that homosexuality, i.e. the action (sexual) is a sin- as quoted in different parts of the bible. But, homosexuality, i.e. the inclination to like someone of the same gender, is a much more complexed issue. Its more complexed than telling the person that he/she can be changed through prayer, deliverance and counseling. Because some of them struggle a lot with being different from the world, facing a lot of rejection and hurts- esp caused by the church's condemnation of them. Research has not been clear cut whether it is nature or nurture that causes one's homosexual inclination. If we do not rule out nature (i.e. because of our sin, even though in God's perfect will, He meant for us to have perfect bodies), it means that a homosexual may not be able to change in his/her inclination.
Though, when I shared this with another friend, she felt that it could not be nature, since God's commandments were against homosexuality, how could one then be created a homosexual?
I don't have the answers. But the crux of the matter is this. It is complexed, and we should not be dismissive in our attitudes. For how then do they seek God's love, if the church comes across as rejecting them? Many of them live with hurts and rejection.
Hence, we should be praying FOR them, and not praying AGAINST them. We should serve and demonstrate Christ's love. Lest we forget the plank in our own eye, and forget that we also struggle with all sorts of sins in our sinful nature.
I've been wanting to blog about AWARE, even though as a friend pointed out, the topic has been discussed Ad nauseam. I guess I still want to put in my 2 cents worth.
I have not been reading too much about what christians or non christians have been writing in their blogs. But one particular email caught my attention, by this lady who said she was crying non-stop as she took a cab home from the AWARE EGM. She was burdened and sad about what happened at the EGM. In her email, she mentioned that the secular and religious cannot be separate because we as christians, live our lives and beliefs in the secular. And she asked, where were the young adult christians, and why didn't they stand up for Christ.
This got me thinking. The reason is, I have been telling people that the newbies are using the wrong platform to make their religious beliefs known. Upon reading the email, it provoked thoughts within me- because, it is also my belief that we do not segregate the religious and the secular as christians. We are to live as salt and light in the world. Did we miss out an opportunity to stand up for Christ? Have the Singaporean christians retreated in light of "persecution"? I always questioned if Singaporean Christians could endure persecution in light of our comfortable lives.
But amongst the complex thoughts that were within me, it dawned upon me, what I was uncomfortable with was not the platform, but it was the spirit behind which it was being done.
I was uncomfortable when emails started circulating to ask christians to make a stand and join AWARE, and support the newbies. Since when did it become a war to win or lose control?
And then after chatting with another friend, I remembered this post that I wrote long time ago on Hiding Behind the Cross. Yes we can be involved in politics and secular organizations. But as christians, we serve with love and humility- that is the power of the cross. But we have become "militant" and self righteous in our beliefs. And that was exactly the problem with the Pharisees!
No doubt well-meaning, and yes, as christians, we make a stand for our beliefs. But we ought to do it in love. And it is not about being in positions of power so that we can control. It is as Christ loved when He came, identifying with the weak.
Tim Chester - "Christian ministry is not conducted through political power or media influence. It is conducted in the upside down, unpredictable power of the cross. It is conducted through weakness and dishonour."
"The church as the church should not seek power or influence in a secular sense. Instead it should seek opportunities to serve the world. As the church follows the way of the cross, it must choose 'participation in the powerlessness of God in the world'. It stands with the weak and the powerless. It speaks on behalf of those whose voice is not heard. It seeks justice for the poor."
We are ofcos, talking about a different group from the poor. Talking about homosexuals is delicate. My stand- I believe that homosexuality, i.e. the action (sexual) is a sin- as quoted in different parts of the bible. But, homosexuality, i.e. the inclination to like someone of the same gender, is a much more complexed issue. Its more complexed than telling the person that he/she can be changed through prayer, deliverance and counseling. Because some of them struggle a lot with being different from the world, facing a lot of rejection and hurts- esp caused by the church's condemnation of them. Research has not been clear cut whether it is nature or nurture that causes one's homosexual inclination. If we do not rule out nature (i.e. because of our sin, even though in God's perfect will, He meant for us to have perfect bodies), it means that a homosexual may not be able to change in his/her inclination.
Though, when I shared this with another friend, she felt that it could not be nature, since God's commandments were against homosexuality, how could one then be created a homosexual?
I don't have the answers. But the crux of the matter is this. It is complexed, and we should not be dismissive in our attitudes. For how then do they seek God's love, if the church comes across as rejecting them? Many of them live with hurts and rejection.
Hence, we should be praying FOR them, and not praying AGAINST them. We should serve and demonstrate Christ's love. Lest we forget the plank in our own eye, and forget that we also struggle with all sorts of sins in our sinful nature.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Spirit Filled Cross Life
I was so happy on Sunday night that something quite unheard of happened in the church. =P Pastor Ed talked about being filled in the Spirit. And we prayed for people to be filled in the Spirit. I felt the sweet embrace of God. But I also felt the "anointing" seems stronger in CHC, and the whole experience of worship still seems more intensed there. So was wondering if there was more...if the church should be going even deeper...and whether such worship should be a weekly affair thing during sunday service, rather than only during a special prayer meeting.
This provoked a lot of thoughts within. Pastor Ed shared that there is a difference betw Spirit giftedness and Spirit filled, that the gift of the Spirit must be cradled by the fruits of the Spirit. I have seen it going wrong all too often when our faith is shallow, and our boldness is presumptuous. What does it really mean to be Spirit filled? And how is it manifested when we are? Is it about being slained in the Spirit, feeling the warmth and crying? Or was it like Sunday night, just a sweet peace and an embrace that was felt? Part of me thinks there should be more anointing, more slaying, more supernatural etc. But that seems to be looking towards the gifts and the supernatural rather than towards God.
My friend who comes from a conservative background asked me what it feels like when someone is being filled with the Spirit. I realised what Pastor Ed meant when he said we are a bridge betw the charismatics and the conservatives. Because, maybe due to our different personalities and backgrounds, it is impossible to throw a conservative into a charismatic church and expect him to experience God in the same way. So while I think the worship is not charismatic enough, or that people should speak in tongues, or that the church should emphasise the Holy Spirit more, I realise that is due to my charismatic backgrd.
Distinctly, when I went up to pray for a deeper experience with God, I felt He said one thing- that the gift comes with a price. The price of the cross. The cross life.
Interestingly, I was listening to CHC's latest worship album, and I really liked this song:
God of my forever
God of my youth I remember
Your call on my life took me o’er
Your love has seen me through all my days
I stand here by Your grace
On this altar I’ve written my life
Tells of a story I have with You my Lord
I want the world to know
Chorus
God of my forever
And forever I’m with You
My life is saved with a price
Your sacrifice redeemed my soul
God of my forever
And forever I will sing
My greatest honor will always be
To serve my Lord and King
Verse 2
God of my all I’ve surrendered
My heart finds its rest in Your word
Praises will not be enough to show
How my love for You has grown
Nothing matters when You’re here with me
In the end just to hear You say “Well done”
Bowing before Your throne
Bridge
Forever and ever
Jesus You alone in glory reign
Forever and ever
With You I walk this narrow way
---------
And yeah, I think the song writers in CHC are really gifted with the anointing to write great lyrics and music. And these really help to draw people into worship.
But as I examined the lyrics further, some of these caught my attention:
"God of my all I’ve surrendered
My heart finds its rest in Your word"
I think nowadays, when I sing a song, other then this heartfelt emotional thing with God, I also consider what the lyrics really mean. And what does it mean to say I've surrendered...what it means my greatest love is God etc etc....
Because sometimes due to the emotional feel of the music, it is so easy to be singing along with great lyrics. But these words actually carry a lot of weight and meaning to it..
So in that sense, I really appreciate hymms too. Though the tune may be quite dull sometimes, it helps one to meditate on the lyrics.
And we may tend to be presumptuous in our singing...like Peter who told God, I will never deny You. Because he didn't understand what his promise to God really meant...and what the Cross life is really about.
This provoked a lot of thoughts within. Pastor Ed shared that there is a difference betw Spirit giftedness and Spirit filled, that the gift of the Spirit must be cradled by the fruits of the Spirit. I have seen it going wrong all too often when our faith is shallow, and our boldness is presumptuous. What does it really mean to be Spirit filled? And how is it manifested when we are? Is it about being slained in the Spirit, feeling the warmth and crying? Or was it like Sunday night, just a sweet peace and an embrace that was felt? Part of me thinks there should be more anointing, more slaying, more supernatural etc. But that seems to be looking towards the gifts and the supernatural rather than towards God.
My friend who comes from a conservative background asked me what it feels like when someone is being filled with the Spirit. I realised what Pastor Ed meant when he said we are a bridge betw the charismatics and the conservatives. Because, maybe due to our different personalities and backgrounds, it is impossible to throw a conservative into a charismatic church and expect him to experience God in the same way. So while I think the worship is not charismatic enough, or that people should speak in tongues, or that the church should emphasise the Holy Spirit more, I realise that is due to my charismatic backgrd.
Distinctly, when I went up to pray for a deeper experience with God, I felt He said one thing- that the gift comes with a price. The price of the cross. The cross life.
Interestingly, I was listening to CHC's latest worship album, and I really liked this song:
God of my forever
God of my youth I remember
Your call on my life took me o’er
Your love has seen me through all my days
I stand here by Your grace
On this altar I’ve written my life
Tells of a story I have with You my Lord
I want the world to know
Chorus
God of my forever
And forever I’m with You
My life is saved with a price
Your sacrifice redeemed my soul
God of my forever
And forever I will sing
My greatest honor will always be
To serve my Lord and King
Verse 2
God of my all I’ve surrendered
My heart finds its rest in Your word
Praises will not be enough to show
How my love for You has grown
Nothing matters when You’re here with me
In the end just to hear You say “Well done”
Bowing before Your throne
Bridge
Forever and ever
Jesus You alone in glory reign
Forever and ever
With You I walk this narrow way
---------
And yeah, I think the song writers in CHC are really gifted with the anointing to write great lyrics and music. And these really help to draw people into worship.
But as I examined the lyrics further, some of these caught my attention:
"God of my all I’ve surrendered
My heart finds its rest in Your word"
I think nowadays, when I sing a song, other then this heartfelt emotional thing with God, I also consider what the lyrics really mean. And what does it mean to say I've surrendered...what it means my greatest love is God etc etc....
Because sometimes due to the emotional feel of the music, it is so easy to be singing along with great lyrics. But these words actually carry a lot of weight and meaning to it..
So in that sense, I really appreciate hymms too. Though the tune may be quite dull sometimes, it helps one to meditate on the lyrics.
And we may tend to be presumptuous in our singing...like Peter who told God, I will never deny You. Because he didn't understand what his promise to God really meant...and what the Cross life is really about.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Listening to God's Call
I went to a talk by a missionary couple on Sunday, and something that the speaker said stuck me-
He said people don't leave the missions field because they have heard the wrong calling. Sometimes it is not because of wrong calling, but because of our immaturity. Inability to handle hardship, and challenges. We face even more spiritual warfare on the missions field. And we must pray that we will only leave when God calls us to leave.
Another thing-
People don't pray about becoming engineers or doctors. Society says that these are possible paths to take, and so we just study engineering in the university.
Why do people then pray about becoming missionaries? The truth is that whatever route we choose to take, we must be called. If people will really listen, much more people are called to go into the missions field. Its not because God hasn't called, it is because people are not listening.
Would God fault you for doing something voluntary for Him? i.e. saving souls in the missions field?
-------------------------------
It was quite thought provoking listening. And thought that perhaps I should start asking and praying again about the future. I'm on a 2 year contract here, and I've finished 9 mths plus. Not sure what's next.
The question again is about the general calling vs the specific calling.
General calling being- Go forth and make disciples of all the nations. God has already called.
vs the Specific calling of where to go, what to do, when to go etc.
With God's blessing of a wonderful gift recently, I am thinking if he may indeed be leading me towards being based in the missions field.
May we have the courage to pursue what He called us to do.
He said people don't leave the missions field because they have heard the wrong calling. Sometimes it is not because of wrong calling, but because of our immaturity. Inability to handle hardship, and challenges. We face even more spiritual warfare on the missions field. And we must pray that we will only leave when God calls us to leave.
Another thing-
People don't pray about becoming engineers or doctors. Society says that these are possible paths to take, and so we just study engineering in the university.
Why do people then pray about becoming missionaries? The truth is that whatever route we choose to take, we must be called. If people will really listen, much more people are called to go into the missions field. Its not because God hasn't called, it is because people are not listening.
Would God fault you for doing something voluntary for Him? i.e. saving souls in the missions field?
-------------------------------
It was quite thought provoking listening. And thought that perhaps I should start asking and praying again about the future. I'm on a 2 year contract here, and I've finished 9 mths plus. Not sure what's next.
The question again is about the general calling vs the specific calling.
General calling being- Go forth and make disciples of all the nations. God has already called.
vs the Specific calling of where to go, what to do, when to go etc.
With God's blessing of a wonderful gift recently, I am thinking if he may indeed be leading me towards being based in the missions field.
May we have the courage to pursue what He called us to do.
Friday, February 13, 2009
God loves you a lot
Today I had a meeting with an artist who is doing some paintings for us for fund raising. As we were talking, he started speaking to me and said I have dirty laundry that I need to clean. Things are very messy. And there are also choked pipes in my life. Then he described my situation in the office, that I always care about others and not about myself. I end up being on the receiving end. God knows what is going on & God cares. I started tearing as he talked, cos it was something so personal to me. And even now as I recount, tears are also welling up in my eyes. He went on to say there was an angel behind me comforting me.
Just 2 nights ago, I prayed and asked God- where are You? He has answered this prayer of mine with a very clear answer from his messenger.
As we left the meeting, he said- "God loves you a lot. God loves you a lot."
Just 2 nights ago, I prayed and asked God- where are You? He has answered this prayer of mine with a very clear answer from his messenger.
As we left the meeting, he said- "God loves you a lot. God loves you a lot."
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