A season of growth

Because of my struggle with something I really wanted for the past few months, but I think it was not something God wanted for me, I realise that I don't really desire God. What I mean is, I desire a lot of things other than God. I don't fully recognize how deeply He loves me. If not, choosing Him over that other thing would have been easy? Yet even now, remnants of the desire to want that thing still remains.

But the really lovely thing is this, that in spite of my desires, He is very patient with me. He doesn't want me to have it, because He loves me. And I believe He cries with me, when I grieve.

Perhaps, it has helped to free me from the shoulds and should nots. In being real with God about my heart's desires. And during this journey, I shed many tears, because I realised the desires were linked to so many deep seated wounds. And then, I realised that my christianity was a farce. It is linked to so many things I felt I should or should not do, and that God would not love me if I didn't do so and so things.

I had a breakthrough today. I was feeling bad because of some comments people had said. Then I realised I was upset because I had taken in these comments as the truth. Whereas my value in Him was worth much more than that, and that it was okay for me to disagree with what was being said, and to forgive whoever had caused the offense. It helped so much in me being able to relate to the person involved with authenticity.

Its a season of growth and God is surfacing many things. But He also is real. And He is my everything, the one I talk to first in the face of any crisis. I hope He would always be.