It has been really kind of hard these days. I've been feeling regular bouts of tiredness and sometimes insommia so that I am not able to fall asleep until some time. I don't really know whats the cause! But on occasions when the veil gets lifted up, I feel God's love, really know it, and joy fills my heart, that I am able to give thanks to God.
The question that He seems to be prompting me is this- What is your motivation for doing what you are doing?
I would say - save lives, help people, eradicate poverty, give people livelihood skills.
These reasons all but give me added pressure, as I think about what I can do, who I need to reply and answer to, and how the project can move.
But if my reason, is all but to let God be glorified, and to be His instrument to serve Him, it becomes such a privilege to partner with my God, for His Kingdom to come on earth.
Sometimes, I'm so caught up that I forget, the one who really loves His people is none other then God.
I pray to be able to see from His perspective, how He is moving in lives, and how He is moving into different nations and projects. That He is not just a part of the project, but He is everything about the project. He is the one who initiates, the one who would carry it through and sustain it. He is everything. And His people are the ones He loves.
So that I may stop angsting about why person A is not replying me, and what I should reply to person B. If only I may know He is in control of the situations.
The problem is, I don't seem to have that faith to believe. Its a cycle that seems to perpetuate.. And then sometimes I shoot myself down for not being resilient enough to overcome these issues, because afterall, I'm not facing life and death issues. Compared to Paul who went through sufferings, hardships, imprisonment, what are my problems compared to him? But I shouldn't even be angsting about this, because when I start focusing on what I can do/overcome, it becomes my self effort all over again.
Its really a daily battle of my mind, but yet a rest of my heart, in His sovereign grace over my life and over the world.
That's amidst so many beautiful and wonderful testimonies of seeing God's hand at work in the projects, and new things happening at church, and lives transformed.
That emptiness or chasing after the wind or that sense of how our works are like filty rags before a righteous God.
No matter how many good works, whether it is migrant workers (Banquet of Honour coming up, yay), or social enterprise, or micro businesses, or mission trips, they are empty. If not for the perspective of why we are doing what we are doing. And for whom. And then knowing that afterall, God doesn't need us to work for Him.
Pls help me dear God, because faith is a mustard seed.
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