Conversion

When I was around primary 1 or 2, my maid was a catholic who shared with me that Jesus loves me. She taught me how to pray and say grace before my meals. Though I don't really understand this Jesus then, I said good night to God before I slept everyday, and whenever I was upset, I went into the room and cried and prayed to God.

When my friend brought me to church, that was in 1997, december. With eyes closed and heads bowed, Pastor Kong asked if anyone would like to know God as her Lord and saviour, and with the encouragement of Vene, she walked with me down the altar call with her arms around my shoulder.

Well, I think I believed in God but it was a struggle to really believe, I was doubtful and unsure. Hence even after "receiving" Christ, I went down to the altar call a couple of times more subsequently, until Vene told me that it was by faith, and that I didn't have to respond so many times.

I never "felt" God when I first converted, hence I doubted if He existed. Esp when my sister shared with me how she felt rivers of water moving in her tummy when she was prayed for the baptism in the Holy Spirit. Or how ple had holy laughter but not me.

My faith was sealed though when I experienced the touch of God. It was a warm feeling that surrounded me, and I knew God was so real then. And I realised that it was not about seeking the presence, but it was about seeking Him and His presence came naturally. Though people say that charismatics are an emotional lot- I think that emotions are important, for it is that touch that humans relate to. And we can't dismiss everything as being emotional. I remember many lovely times when I just dwelt within His presence, understood His personhood, and the Holy Spirit being so close to me, encouraging me. And it was those times when I had the breakthroughs in my spiritual life, having new revelations from God.

However, I never really understood what conversion meant until much recently. Receiving Christ, yes I did, I received Him into my heart, His love. But most recently I realise that conversion includes repentance. Didn't I know that? Perhaps just the conviction and true realisation of how unworthy I am, and how needy I am of Him. I never understood repentence cos I am not sure what I had to repent of. I didn't steal, kill, have bad attitude. I tithed regularly, went to church, loved my parents and did well in my exams.

I'm thankful for the recent spate of events that took place, and though it was a very painful time for me, I learnt repentance and humility. For the first time, (though I'm sure it was there all along) the impure things hidden in my heart came out in anger, bitterness, loneliness and lust. And I cried out to God in desperation, because there was just no way I could fix this or move on. And then this self righteousness had to go and I come to realise how much I need Him. And repentance-being a giving of our lives. Conversion, not just knowing God loves me, but conversion-is surrendering all of me to Him.

And I am thankful to also understand that christianity is not just an emotion. It is not just abt feeling God. But it is IN SPITE of how we feel, we have faith that God is there, ever present for us.

For a while I swung to the other extreme, being very skeptical and labeling many stuffs as "emotionalism". Because I finally understood also that it can be very very dangerous to be telling people that "God says...", "God is telling you...", "God gave me a vision to...", and in the name of what He spoke to me, I ask others to follow me. Because of that a lot of people dare not question what is really preached at the pulpit-afterall who am I to challenge what "God" has said. But I think it is not like that. It is not just the feelings of high we receive when we jump up and down or shed a few tears.

For true conversion, which includes being touched by God, but also a conscious decision to change our lives. For God is not just a lovely dovey Father or santa claus who comes to hug u when u are wounded. He is also a very Holy God. Hence it is not just giving God a chance in yr life. It is a giving of yr everything.

I'm not sure if u can identify with what I have written. But I am thankful for His love for me. And I know that I mess up, I am so unrighteous, but upheld by His love for me, and I am thankful.