Dreaming of authentic christianity...

Last week I was supposed to go to Cambodia on Thurs, but a sudden turn in events meant I wasn't going. And I could serve in the Banquet of Honour.

The Banquet of Honour is a series of lunches and dinners for the migrant workers- domestic helpers & blue collared workers- to thank them for their service in Singapore, for taking up jobs that are much needed in Singapore. And the bible also teaches us as christians, we are to love the foreigners in our land.
So this took place from Wednesday to Sunday at four different locations.

And because I wasn't going to Cambodia, I could serve on Friday and Sunday night, I know that God must have His agenda for me here.

Friday was amazing, bcos Andrew and I went to Little India before the dinner to look for Bangladeshi people to invite to the dinner. I had 10 tickets, but only 3 filled, so we wanted to find people to come. It reminded me of the Wedding in the bible whereby the Master sent out His servants to bring in the poor to attend the wedding. And the streets were filled with Indians, but amazingly, we found 3 bangladeshis and we invited them to come. Its always been my dream to walk the streets and invite the migrants to come for dinner, so it was so surreal. I'm not sure if they went though, cos I didn't see them at the table, hopefully they came and allocated to other tables?

Anyway at dinner, we were allocated to a table of young men. And one of them was particularly enthusiastic, kept dancing to the music. The Bangladeshis are a very spontaneous and talented bunch. They danced really well, like we were in some Bollywood show(looked like indian dance), and we became the minority amongst them. It was like I was transported to Bangladesh. I think I don't even need to go Bangladesh already- it was that kind of feeling. So we served them chicken, rice, drinks and all, it was really fun scooping rice for them etc. =) It was good seeing them relax and really enjoy themselves.

Since Friday night, whenever I see foreign workers, I feel a total change in mindset. Its no longer like I am one level up or that they are just a grp of foreign workers. They are individuals...people with a culture, with talents who are in our midst.

Sunday night I served with Jon and Shirley for the burmese tables. Our table only had 4 people and it was buffet style, so it was so much slacker. But it was nice chatting with them and serving together. And the burmese are so different from the Bangladeshis, more quiet. It was interesting to see the different cultures.

What was really nice was driving to Little India again later to visit HOME - shirley's spontaneous suggestion, and then to Changi Village, sitting in some hut next to the waves and talking about our plans for International students. Talking past mid night about authentic christianity...heh...God allow us to indulge in sharing and talking and dreaming...

Thankful for the little recharging in the midst of my valley....

What's my intention (2)

I've been writing proposals and trying to push for exploratory trips overseas. Partners have approached us, some since a long time ago, and we have not yet gone! Most of them want us to run our programme there, or leadership training, or community development. And I really hope that the projects can fly too.
Yesterday as I stopped and reflected, a very sharp thought came to my mind.

Xiaojia, Why are you so keen to go?

I've been feeling frustrated cos I haven't been traveling since June for work, and July for visit to Philippines to see my kid. I yearn again to see the people in the villages, those familiar faces, or new faces, to see the ground.
To revive my tired heart again to feel.
To find God amongst the poor.

My intentions are perhaps less than altruistic. If by going, I would bring more inconvenience to people. If after the initial exploratory trip, and we are not able to follow up on the projects after that- am I then willing to say - Lord, I am willing to stay here, to handle all the administration. I am willing to surrender my pride, to do the unglam work and to wait.

Am I willing?

------

Re-reading Heidi Baker's Book - Always Enough..
Why did I tear when I heard her sharing her testimony live? Why did I tear when I read the book?
I teared not because of how strong or courageous or sacrificial she was. She is.
But I teared because of the faithful God who is always enough. The compassionate God who loves men and women and children that He would go to the dumps, the slums, the villages, places where there is no hope. To seek what was lost.
When I read of testimonies of God multiplying food for example...God provided miraculously.
It reminded me that Heidi is able to do this great work, not because the burden was upon herself to accomplish the work. She is able to do the work because she has caught a glimpse of the Father's Heart.
Surely we will burn out if we depend on ourselves. But we will soar and be joyful, when we serve our El-Shaddai. The God who is always enough.
Do I really know my God?

What's my Intention?

It has been really kind of hard these days. I've been feeling regular bouts of tiredness and sometimes insommia so that I am not able to fall asleep until some time. I don't really know whats the cause! But on occasions when the veil gets lifted up, I feel God's love, really know it, and joy fills my heart, that I am able to give thanks to God.
The question that He seems to be prompting me is this- What is your motivation for doing what you are doing?
I would say - save lives, help people, eradicate poverty, give people livelihood skills.
These reasons all but give me added pressure, as I think about what I can do, who I need to reply and answer to, and how the project can move.
But if my reason, is all but to let God be glorified, and to be His instrument to serve Him, it becomes such a privilege to partner with my God, for His Kingdom to come on earth.
Sometimes, I'm so caught up that I forget, the one who really loves His people is none other then God.
I pray to be able to see from His perspective, how He is moving in lives, and how He is moving into different nations and projects. That He is not just a part of the project, but He is everything about the project. He is the one who initiates, the one who would carry it through and sustain it. He is everything. And His people are the ones He loves.
So that I may stop angsting about why person A is not replying me, and what I should reply to person B. If only I may know He is in control of the situations.
The problem is, I don't seem to have that faith to believe. Its a cycle that seems to perpetuate.. And then sometimes I shoot myself down for not being resilient enough to overcome these issues, because afterall, I'm not facing life and death issues. Compared to Paul who went through sufferings, hardships, imprisonment, what are my problems compared to him? But I shouldn't even be angsting about this, because when I start focusing on what I can do/overcome, it becomes my self effort all over again.
Its really a daily battle of my mind, but yet a rest of my heart, in His sovereign grace over my life and over the world.
That's amidst so many beautiful and wonderful testimonies of seeing God's hand at work in the projects, and new things happening at church, and lives transformed.
That emptiness or chasing after the wind or that sense of how our works are like filty rags before a righteous God.
No matter how many good works, whether it is migrant workers (Banquet of Honour coming up, yay), or social enterprise, or micro businesses, or mission trips, they are empty. If not for the perspective of why we are doing what we are doing. And for whom. And then knowing that afterall, God doesn't need us to work for Him.
Pls help me dear God, because faith is a mustard seed.

Grace

Went for a talk on reaching International students last week, but instead the speaker spoke mostly about grace.

Grace= I want to, not cos I have to or I ought to. (in terms of serving, praying, reading bible etc etc)
Do I serve God because I want to?
When u first know the Lord, u ask people what do I have to do? Read bible? Pray?
When u know God better, u are convicted that these are things u ought to do.
When u know God's grace, u want to do because u really enjoy doing these things.

In John, Jesus asked Peter, do you love (agape) me 2 times, and on the third time He asked, do you love (phileo) me? Do u, Peter, like me? The speaker pointed out its actually easier to love someone than to like someone! Do I like being with Jesus, do I enjoy His company? ;)

Its only this 1 year I think that I began to understand grace. Grace is so paradoxical. Grace gives me the confidence to come into God's presence, and the self worth as I meet people. But it is because I recognize that I am broken, ragged and so sinful. It is God's grace and love so deep that accepts me. Grace looks at the sin beneath your good, but God still loves u anyway. Paradoxical because if I were to look at myself and think of what I can do, and how I can improve, immediately I lose this grace and I feel defeated because in me there is nothing. Its like I need not strive but I rest in God's love for me. I don't always feel that way though, because I am prone to want to do something to earn God's love and to please Him with regards to work and ministry.

Its extremely difficult in a performance driven society to believe in Grace- His unconditional abundant love. When the world bombards you with what you must or must not do. When the church or christians are not full of grace towards you. Somehow Grace always comes with the word "but". U are loved, "but" you need to blah blah blah. Real grace is always radical.

Whats the "but" here? There must be some catch. Actually I don't think its a "but". Its really "and". Grace is freely given. "And" we love others cos we want to, not because we have to.

Actually it makes me think that a lot of things I am doing is cos I feel I ought to. I ought to help the poor, I ought to evangelise, I ought to do missions..
Is that bad though? Because I believe there are times we don't FEEL like doing stuff. I think as long as we are not doing stuff so that we will be justified. Well ofcos, it makes me wonder abt my motivation for working in the non profit, christian work.

Servant leadership

Yesterday during P&D service at GB, we sang this song, and one of the lyrics was "Christ and service".

I felt a sudden lump in my throat because suddenly I understood how Christ and service linked together.

In Feb, Shir told me that I need to be broken before I can be used by God. How true.

This journey has helped me to understand what a servant is = a servant has no rights of his/her own, and he seeks to please the master.

However, being a servant is different from having a servant spirit. A pastor said, you can tell servant from servant spirit only when you're slighted. How will u react? The way to have a servant spirit is to be grateful. Everyone can be a servant because of his/her position. A servant has to work for the master, and tasked to do certain things, and one may do things in a grudging manner. But to truly have a servant spirit, one serves with thankfulness. A servant may be serving under fear, i.e. fear of how others will see him/her, while someone with a servant spirit serves with love. Truly he is not serving because he is afraid of what people will say, but serving to bless others, because he has known the love of the Master.

Then coming to servant leader- A servant leader becomes a leader so that he/she can serve others.

The leader serves with humility, meekness and submission. It is so important to be humble and broken before God. And sometimes it takes a lot of experience to break us before we learn humility. But this is different from being of low self esteemed. The leader carries an authority and boldness that comes from Christ.

It has been a difficult journey learning submission and love for others. To bless when people talk you down. To pray for the ones who slight you. To love the people who are difficult to love. Yes, it is that inner posture of the heart towards others. And yes, it is about CHRIST and SERVICE. Because Christ first came to serve and love us. And not everyone understood His love. He was taunted, stripped and beaten. But love kept Him on the cross.

Heaven

I finished C.S. Lewis's The Problem of Pain, and I liked these parts in his discourse on Heaven.
Its an insightful perspective, beyond sitting on clouds and playing harps:

(1) That yearning and desire of your soul.......that will be fulfilled in heaven....

"Again, you have stood before some landscape, which seems to embody what you have been looking for all your life; and then turned to the friend at your side who appears to be seeing what you saw- but at the first words a gulf yawns between you, and you realise that this landscape means something totally different to him, and that he is pursuing an alien vision and cares nothing for the ineffable suggestion by which you are transported...Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it- tantalising glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear...It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasible want...

Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it- made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand."

(2) That needing to let go of the things you love, because if you hold on to it, you find that it becomes elusive. But when you are able to surrender, love grows. Have u ever wanted really something badly? I find that the more I try to control it, the more it evades me.

"The thing itself has never actually been embodied in any thought or image or emotion. Always it has summoned you out of yourself. And if you will not go out of yourself to follow it, if you sit down to brood on the desire and attempt to cherish it, the desire itself will evade you...The thing you long for summons you away from the self. Even the desire for the thing lives only if you abandon it. This is the ultimate law- the seed dies to live, the bread must be cast upon the waters, he that loses his soul will save it. But the life of the seed, the finding of the bread, the recovery of the soul, are as real as the preliminary sacrifice. "

Power in the secular world?

Decided to write a post before I leave for Philippines tmr. As you know by now, my other blog is usually more frivalous and updates of my life.

I've been wanting to blog about AWARE, even though as a friend pointed out, the topic has been discussed Ad nauseam. I guess I still want to put in my 2 cents worth.

I have not been reading too much about what christians or non christians have been writing in their blogs. But one particular email caught my attention, by this lady who said she was crying non-stop as she took a cab home from the AWARE EGM. She was burdened and sad about what happened at the EGM. In her email, she mentioned that the secular and religious cannot be separate because we as christians, live our lives and beliefs in the secular. And she asked, where were the young adult christians, and why didn't they stand up for Christ.

This got me thinking. The reason is, I have been telling people that the newbies are using the wrong platform to make their religious beliefs known. Upon reading the email, it provoked thoughts within me- because, it is also my belief that we do not segregate the religious and the secular as christians. We are to live as salt and light in the world. Did we miss out an opportunity to stand up for Christ? Have the Singaporean christians retreated in light of "persecution"? I always questioned if Singaporean Christians could endure persecution in light of our comfortable lives.

But amongst the complex thoughts that were within me, it dawned upon me, what I was uncomfortable with was not the platform, but it was the spirit behind which it was being done.

I was uncomfortable when emails started circulating to ask christians to make a stand and join AWARE, and support the newbies. Since when did it become a war to win or lose control?

And then after chatting with another friend, I remembered this post that I wrote long time ago on Hiding Behind the Cross. Yes we can be involved in politics and secular organizations. But as christians, we serve with love and humility- that is the power of the cross. But we have become "militant" and self righteous in our beliefs. And that was exactly the problem with the Pharisees!

No doubt well-meaning, and yes, as christians, we make a stand for our beliefs. But we ought to do it in love. And it is not about being in positions of power so that we can control. It is as Christ loved when He came, identifying with the weak.

Tim Chester - "Christian ministry is not conducted through political power or media influence. It is conducted in the upside down, unpredictable power of the cross. It is conducted through weakness and dishonour."
"The church as the church should not seek power or influence in a secular sense. Instead it should seek opportunities to serve the world. As the church follows the way of the cross, it must choose 'participation in the powerlessness of God in the world'. It stands with the weak and the powerless. It speaks on behalf of those whose voice is not heard. It seeks justice for the poor."

We are ofcos, talking about a different group from the poor. Talking about homosexuals is delicate. My stand- I believe that homosexuality, i.e. the action (sexual) is a sin- as quoted in different parts of the bible. But, homosexuality, i.e. the inclination to like someone of the same gender, is a much more complexed issue. Its more complexed than telling the person that he/she can be changed through prayer, deliverance and counseling. Because some of them struggle a lot with being different from the world, facing a lot of rejection and hurts- esp caused by the church's condemnation of them. Research has not been clear cut whether it is nature or nurture that causes one's homosexual inclination. If we do not rule out nature (i.e. because of our sin, even though in God's perfect will, He meant for us to have perfect bodies), it means that a homosexual may not be able to change in his/her inclination.

Though, when I shared this with another friend, she felt that it could not be nature, since God's commandments were against homosexuality, how could one then be created a homosexual?

I don't have the answers. But the crux of the matter is this. It is complexed, and we should not be dismissive in our attitudes. For how then do they seek God's love, if the church comes across as rejecting them? Many of them live with hurts and rejection.

Hence, we should be praying FOR them, and not praying AGAINST them. We should serve and demonstrate Christ's love. Lest we forget the plank in our own eye, and forget that we also struggle with all sorts of sins in our sinful nature.

Spirit Filled Cross Life

I was so happy on Sunday night that something quite unheard of happened in the church. =P Pastor Ed talked about being filled in the Spirit. And we prayed for people to be filled in the Spirit. I felt the sweet embrace of God. But I also felt the "anointing" seems stronger in CHC, and the whole experience of worship still seems more intensed there. So was wondering if there was more...if the church should be going even deeper...and whether such worship should be a weekly affair thing during sunday service, rather than only during a special prayer meeting.

This provoked a lot of thoughts within. Pastor Ed shared that there is a difference betw Spirit giftedness and Spirit filled, that the gift of the Spirit must be cradled by the fruits of the Spirit. I have seen it going wrong all too often when our faith is shallow, and our boldness is presumptuous. What does it really mean to be Spirit filled? And how is it manifested when we are? Is it about being slained in the Spirit, feeling the warmth and crying? Or was it like Sunday night, just a sweet peace and an embrace that was felt? Part of me thinks there should be more anointing, more slaying, more supernatural etc. But that seems to be looking towards the gifts and the supernatural rather than towards God.

My friend who comes from a conservative background asked me what it feels like when someone is being filled with the Spirit. I realised what Pastor Ed meant when he said we are a bridge betw the charismatics and the conservatives. Because, maybe due to our different personalities and backgrounds, it is impossible to throw a conservative into a charismatic church and expect him to experience God in the same way. So while I think the worship is not charismatic enough, or that people should speak in tongues, or that the church should emphasise the Holy Spirit more, I realise that is due to my charismatic backgrd.

Distinctly, when I went up to pray for a deeper experience with God, I felt He said one thing- that the gift comes with a price. The price of the cross. The cross life.

Interestingly, I was listening to CHC's latest worship album, and I really liked this song:

God of my forever
God of my youth I remember
Your call on my life took me o’er
Your love has seen me through all my days
I stand here by Your grace
On this altar I’ve written my life
Tells of a story I have with You my Lord
I want the world to know

Chorus
God of my forever
And forever I’m with You
My life is saved with a price
Your sacrifice redeemed my soul
God of my forever
And forever I will sing
My greatest honor will always be
To serve my Lord and King

Verse 2
God of my all I’ve surrendered
My heart finds its rest in Your word
Praises will not be enough to show
How my love for You has grown
Nothing matters when You’re here with me
In the end just to hear You say “Well done”
Bowing before Your throne

Bridge
Forever and ever
Jesus You alone in glory reign
Forever and ever
With You I walk this narrow way

---------
And yeah, I think the song writers in CHC are really gifted with the anointing to write great lyrics and music. And these really help to draw people into worship.
But as I examined the lyrics further, some of these caught my attention:
"God of my all I’ve surrendered
My heart finds its rest in Your word"

I think nowadays, when I sing a song, other then this heartfelt emotional thing with God, I also consider what the lyrics really mean. And what does it mean to say I've surrendered...what it means my greatest love is God etc etc....
Because sometimes due to the emotional feel of the music, it is so easy to be singing along with great lyrics. But these words actually carry a lot of weight and meaning to it..
So in that sense, I really appreciate hymms too. Though the tune may be quite dull sometimes, it helps one to meditate on the lyrics.

And we may tend to be presumptuous in our singing...like Peter who told God, I will never deny You. Because he didn't understand what his promise to God really meant...and what the Cross life is really about.

Listening to God's Call

I went to a talk by a missionary couple on Sunday, and something that the speaker said stuck me-
He said people don't leave the missions field because they have heard the wrong calling. Sometimes it is not because of wrong calling, but because of our immaturity. Inability to handle hardship, and challenges. We face even more spiritual warfare on the missions field. And we must pray that we will only leave when God calls us to leave.

Another thing-
People don't pray about becoming engineers or doctors. Society says that these are possible paths to take, and so we just study engineering in the university.
Why do people then pray about becoming missionaries? The truth is that whatever route we choose to take, we must be called. If people will really listen, much more people are called to go into the missions field. Its not because God hasn't called, it is because people are not listening.

Would God fault you for doing something voluntary for Him? i.e. saving souls in the missions field?

-------------------------------
It was quite thought provoking listening. And thought that perhaps I should start asking and praying again about the future. I'm on a 2 year contract here, and I've finished 9 mths plus. Not sure what's next.
The question again is about the general calling vs the specific calling.
General calling being- Go forth and make disciples of all the nations. God has already called.
vs the Specific calling of where to go, what to do, when to go etc.

With God's blessing of a wonderful gift recently, I am thinking if he may indeed be leading me towards being based in the missions field.
May we have the courage to pursue what He called us to do.

God loves you a lot

Today I had a meeting with an artist who is doing some paintings for us for fund raising. As we were talking, he started speaking to me and said I have dirty laundry that I need to clean. Things are very messy. And there are also choked pipes in my life. Then he described my situation in the office, that I always care about others and not about myself. I end up being on the receiving end. God knows what is going on & God cares. I started tearing as he talked, cos it was something so personal to me. And even now as I recount, tears are also welling up in my eyes. He went on to say there was an angel behind me comforting me.

Just 2 nights ago, I prayed and asked God- where are You? He has answered this prayer of mine with a very clear answer from his messenger.

As we left the meeting, he said- "God loves you a lot. God loves you a lot."

All yearnings lead us back to God

I am kind of happy cos I reached a mini plateau of sorts. :DEverything that happened in the past kind of now make sense. How the people I met, the experiences I had- all link up together.All the yearnings and longings I had. All the people I met in different seasons of my life. Thank God for bringing them into my life. And even if some episodes were painful, I understand now what I was really looking for.I was looking for God. All the longings point back to the yearning for God. His gentleness, His mercy, His love, His kindness, His understanding. =)

I was reading this book - Love Beyond Reason. It highlighted this verse in Romans:"For creation was subjected to futility, not of its own will but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to decay and will obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God"

John Ortberg said: "God knew that after the Fall we would try to set up other gods, try to give our lives to the pursuit of pleasure or wealth or power or status. So he said that one of the results of the Fall would be that none of these things would be able to bring us 'soul satisfaction'."
Actually...all my yearnings lead me to God.

I had an amazing experience yesterday. The night before I was praying and God showed me what was in my heart. The next day, Shir smsed me and asked me what I really wanted.

Told her I just want to love Jesus.

I teared cos I knew God remembered me. And I am the bride of Christ.

This is really a season of loving the Lord my God with all my heart, soul and mind =)

How to Love the unLoved

Something else clicked after a chat with a friend on thursday- the reason we have a heart for the poor, may not necessarily be a calling. But the poor and oppressed help us know the heart of God.

That which touches my heart is not- how this person has such a heart and burden for the poor. I admire that. But I am moved to tears when I see people sacrificially ministering His love because I see God through them. Only God would stir these hearts to love in such a manner and it is His mighty hand and sovereign plan, but yet we partner with Him to implement change. I capture the love of God when a person would love despite being rejected. That one would sit at the streets and be with the poor because God Himself is sitting at the streets with them daily, reaching out His hand to them. A person would risk his life for the gospel to preach in unreached places, learn unknown languages, because of the love He inspired in the heart. God first laid down His life for His sheep. He did it first, for everyone.

It is not humanely possible to identify with people, and not put them down at a lower level. In order to move from sympathy to pure genuine love, is when we are captivated by the heart of God. Then we love out of love that overflows from the Master.

What happened was not that He suddenly gave me a heart for the poor. What happened was I caught His heart for the poor.

It is the same for loving people who are different from us, loving different races, loving our neighbours. We love because He first loved.

Held by His grace

Last thursday we had devotions at work, and I it was my turn to lead it. I didn't know what to share about, but remembered Pastor Edmund's msg on New Year's day at the City Solemn assembly about victory, and standing in God given land, not living in defeat. And what God had spoken personally to me, about sin and how it hindered us from intimacy with Him.

I closed in prayer, and suddenly felt led to pray for my colleague who was going for an op. After that during lunch, she told me she had wanted to ask for prayers abt the op, but didn't. And she was so touched that I prayed for her that she cried! And she and some other colleagues said the devotion was good.

Thank God for such a divine appointment, though not a big matter, it has certainly helped to open doors and pave the way for more unity and love between us in the office. I am thankful.

Thankful for my friendship esp with Mun in the office, as I find that there is a breakthrough, i.e. I can be myself and laugh heartily and sometimes be the silly girl that I really am on the inside.
Thankful that on Tues, I had dinner with him, 2 other ex colleagues, and Jo who is based in Cambodia for 2 years and back for a break. Oh surely God has granted me favour with these and helped me thru my difficult time. It is as what He had spoken to me in Kalimantan-
2 Corinthians1:8
"8 For we do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, of our trouble which came to us in Asia: that we were burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life. 9 Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead, 10 who delivered us from so great a death, and does* deliver us; in whom we trust that He will still deliver us..."

I am so humbled in the past 8 months, and continue to be so humbled, bcos I feel so totally inadequate, and it is only God who has delivered me. Yet I feel that I am walking in His will. And at other times, He seems so silent, but I see such grace and open doors with people and situations that I know it is He who has delivered.

I could identify with Loren Cunningham in his book that I'm reading now, so kindly given by Ed, Is that really you God? He said this "God was giving us a chance to give greater honor to Him by letting our dream die so that He could resurrect it". In choosing betw God, and the ship (= the dream and vision that God had given him), he chose God. He chose to let the dream die.
I've not reached the part whereby the dream is resurrected yet. But therein lies an impt principle- that God is more concerned with our intimacy and our walk with Him, than with the success of our ministries. I rather choose God than the ministry.
In the months that follow, God seemed silent to Loren.
In the months that follow my rejection of the World Vision job, God seemed silent, and it was painful, when I had clearly heard of His call through His word and affirmation from others.
In the months that follow my starting work at GB, though it was very clearly a door opened by God, God seemed silent.
But yet in all these, I know...He is drawing me near to Him, bcos He is more concerned about setting me free, for me to be His daughter than He is with the ministry.
So yes, I see Grace. And I am upheld by His grace, and His mighty hand is upon me every step.

Thank you Lord.

Welcome 2009

Went for the Solemn Assembly today to pray for the city on the 1/1/09. God's work spoke to me. Pastor Ed reminded us "victory is mine, when the battle is the Lord's", so we are to Make a decisive stand on God given ground for a God given victory.

In order to prevent presumptuousness, we tend to swing to the other extreme, thinking that we are to live in survival mode. But wow, God has already won the battle, and He has given us ground. This was really the crux for me, I think there was some sort of a break through.

I had to repent of my small mindedness in God. Repent of being so distracted by so many things. My heart is so unrested. Yesterday at my first watchnight service with the RAYS, I prayed to God, but still felt unrested. It was only today, whereby He showed me this whole verse. It answered my ques on where's that sense of JOY.


Psalm 51
For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts [a] ;
you teach [b] me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are [c] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Some say because Jesus has bore our sins past present and future on the cross, we do not need to seek repentance. But I think we repent before God not because Jesus's work is not complete. Rather, there remains a chasm between God and ourselves, when there is sin, that affects the intimacy between us. Even if I were to confess my righteousness before Him, something is not right on the inside. He desires truth on the inward parts.

I think that God is calling me to come back to this heart of worship. And I pray that He may be my all sufficiency and satisfy the longings in my heart.

Took a walk at the beach today. There was a light drizzle, but it was soothing and peaceful sitting there as usual, committing the year to God.

A faint rainbow marked the horizons.



It was rainy, but there was light on top of me. :)