Musings of a Young Lady (Part 1)

Since work has much winded down, and I really want to keep some emails I wrote/people have wrote for me in the past, I went into my archive folder, and discovered a treasure of stuff that I had written. I hope this blesses yr heart as this contains days and nights of rumination. These are the stuff that I've been thinking about for the past 3 years in my company.

1) Simplicity and the marginalized
I spent a large part of my time thinking about the poor for the past 2 years. And reflecting about how christians should live in the developed country. For a while, I felt guilty eating good food, and thought that I should be giving money to the poor instead. The poor was constantly on my heart and mind. I was angry with christians for not caring for the poor and living comfortable lives.

Why was I so upset? 2 years ago Ron Sider's Rich Christian in an Age of Poverty showed me clearly God's heart for the poor in the bible, and challenged christians to live out a life that cares for the people who God cares for. I've blogged here 2 years ago. As I begun to ponder about these issues, it also moved me into social action within the company. I began to take on an active role as the community service part of the recreation club, and by God's grace, there was an opening to bring my company to philippines with Habitat for Humanity in Dec 2006. I could not shake the poor off my mind and my heart, and many times I felt this burden upon me. In light of the poor and suffering, I could not bring myself to eat and drink merrily. I continued to organize other activities in the company like the one-room flat cleaning in Dec 2007.In my state of unhappiness, I felt like I was wasting my time working in the company. Felt that the cry of the poor resounded in my heart daily.

To: C
Date: 24/11/2006 09:07
Hello gal..
Could I bother u to keep me in yr prayer? Burdened...cos of all the poor people and what am I doing here kind of feelings. Can u keep me in prayer that it is a good burden that I give to the Lord rather than something that pulls me down? Feel sad too seeing the way christians live their lives...just comfortable lives...Don't wish to be judgemental, I'm not perfect either. But its a kind of burden... Thanks gal.

God continued to speak to me, and this time, it was through Randy Alcorn (Money, Posessions and Eternity) and Tim Chester (Good News to the poor) 's books, both very good books. The former about how we should live in light of eternity. The latter about how to balance social justice with preaching the gospel, aka, the humanitarian aspect of helping the poor, yet how we are short changing them if we only meet their physical needs, and do not share with them the gospel. Both challenged us to live simple lives, and to see God's eternity as more valuable than the so-called "sacrifices" we were making. In other words, it is about choosing something that is of higher value, as opposed to thinking that we are losing out on something.

To: C
Date: 12/03/2007 13:59
hellos.. Good to have lunch with u today. Feels lighter being able to think from an alternative perspective.. Just a para from my blog, thought it is something like what we were talking abt today... Was reading Tim Chester's book again yesterday, and he wrote about:"Godly contentment is not about austerity or ascentricism. It is about enjoyment.. involve opting for something of greater value."I was reflecting about whether I am really trying to spend less/live simply out of legalism (aka treating it as a sacrifice), or do I really enjoy the choices that I have made? Am I really convicted that choosing God is far more satisfying than the alternative (material satisfaction)? With this mind blowing revelation, I realise that choosing God is actually for my own good rather than a sacrifice. He loves us too much to not give us what is best for us. Just that humanly, we sometimes cannot grasp that the alternative is so valuable. Have a nice day! heh.. XJ

In June 2007, I went to the Breakthrough Weekend organized by CEFC. It was one of the most amazing and life transforming time. As God encouraged me through verses in Isaiah and told me that He was the one who brings light in darkness. And that He would use me to do so as well. And furthermore, as I went for ministry, they prayed for me against the "burden bearing" spirit. I felt so much burdens lifted up to me, as I released all the burdens I had about the poor to the Lord.

2) Learning to trust God

Since for a long while the idea of changing jobs was on my mind, I needed to hear from God. It was like, tell me God, should I change or should I not?

I was very confused and wrote out a list of pros and cons for the job switch to a humanitarian org,

To K and E

Date: May 20, 2007 6:24 PM
Pros:
1. Its my passion, i'm sure God put in my heart something abt the poor & marginalised for a reason. Finance is not exactly something I am interested in...
2. Yest was officially my 2 year anniversary at GIC! And it makes me wonder how many more 2 years there are gonna be...
3. Can learn stuffs at WV on how to run a non-profit...think that i am quite impressed with how it is runned.
4. Maybe it is much more purposeful work, and has a direct impact on the beneficiaries?
5. A step closer to social entrepreneurship? What i always wanted to do...
6. I don't look forward to work at office everyday....?

Now cons:
1. I don't know if God has called me to the mkt place. In the 2 years at GIC, God has opened doors, like last year for me to do a comm service role...and to bring a team to philippines to build hses.
2. There is a CF in GIC, and we have been organizing outreach events, the numbers are really encouraging. Feel a burden for my colleagues.
3. I remember when I was ard 19, I kinda had this vision of talking to a grp of businessmen. I am not sure if I got that vision right.....or if I make a switch to WV, then I will be moving away fr this mkt place kinda vision.
4. Hmm...Pay is good, colleagues are nice, I can gain more experience and prepare myself more?
Just switched division in Feb this year...cos boss wanted me to exposed to new things..it was very nice of him to do it for me...so I will feel bad if i leave.
5. Daddy and mummy will prob flip for awhile...

The answer I felt I got:

To: C

Date: 05/06/2007 15:32

I've been doing well too.. learning new things from God, and growing. =) One of the things He showed me about "that" decision, was for me to make my choice, and somehow felt He would be okay either way...watever choice I make. Somehow He seems to be giving me the liberty to do so, while working within my heart to guide my desires to be accordg to His. haha. Dunno if this makes sense......

It was a very challenging period as I felt very lost and confused with regards to my future. I felt very broken cos I thought I would never get to do the things that I wanted to do. I negotiated with God in prayer, O God, change my parents' heart ( and I mean now!)

Date: 27/08/2007 08:52

To the rest: Hey I decided to stay. Very tough choice to make. Still grappling with lost so need yr prayers. Decided to honour parents, don't think they r ready for this decision. And also sense some incomplete work in the mkt place ministry. Had to surrender my dream to God. Anyhow, thanks for yr prayers. Believe that all things work for His good and He has a season for everything. =)

During this time, Philip Yancey's book on Prayer was very good. Does God answer prayers or not? If so, why are there people who still die after they believed in healing? What does prayer mean, do we really ask and receive? Can we change God's mind? Yancey emphasizes that prayer is a two-way thing with God, whereby God calls us as partners through prayer.

In light of these, I feel that God might have blessed me even if I went on the WV. But I felt He was very very kind. He knew the kind of affirmation I needed from my family. I cant say 100% whether I should have left and should not have left last year. But He taught me a lot indeed when I decided to stay. I saw His sovereign power working in my family to change their hearts, and this new job I am getting into is perhaps closer to what I really wanted.

Sometimes, God's direction for us is not "go to A" or "go to B". I believe it is a constant wrestle of to-and-fro with Jesus. He did not make us as zombies, but He wants us to align our desires with His as we get to know Him more. Hence I would not say there is a right or wrong in the decisions we make- in that sense. But ultimately, what is even more impt than the decision, is the attitude in which we approach God. And the peace we have in the midst of uncertainty- indeed being able to rest in times of darkness challenges our faith in God. Even as we say we trust God, the challenge comes when we are in this time of "waiting" whereby nothing seems to be happening.