1998 The struggles of a new christian, cementing my faith

I got introduced to the people in the cell group. Sister Audrey was the cell group leader, and she had a few cell groups under her. Our cell group had a lot of indonesians. Me and my sis were like cinderella, after service we had to rush home cos our parents would have cooked dinner for us. And sometimes we got concession to have dinner with the cell. Yups, I know that by then I am in secondary 4 but still I was afraid of my parents. And then they didn't want me to attend cg meetings as they felt that was overcommitting to it, and I won't have time for my studies. Actually secretly I was not persuaded of going for cg every week. I didn't have much to talk about with the people. But slowly after a few months, I tried going for cg irregularly, and it became a testimony sharing that I could come for cg. They encouraged me to make a stand for my commitment to go for cg. And then slowly I felt it was good for me, and my parents became agreeable. Shortly after, Venetia became the cell group leader.

Though I was a christian, there were some issues. Firstly, I am a very logical and rational person. I don't really know how to communicate with God, and I am not sure how to confirm He exists. I hoped for signs and wonders. And day in and out, I doubted whether He existed. Vene prayed for my sis and I for tongues. When she did that, both of us began speaking it in faith. My sister said she felt currents running through her tummy, but as for me, I felt nothing. And I doubted and I always sought after such experiences, telling God that I wanted to feel Him. During cg, we also had Holy laughter where people burst into laughter cos of the infilling of the Holy Spirit. I felt nothing and tried to laugh but nothing came out. And I ended up going for altar calls many times, cos I always felt I didn't believe enough. I was angry with myself for doubting God.

I also served as an usher. In one of the services, Pastor Phil Pringle was preaching. And when we lifted up our hands to worship, for the first time I felt the presence of God. It was warm, and something touched me. I don't know what. But it did. And I was happy. I felt Him tell me that I have a future and a destiny. And He loved me. :)

I learnt how to invite God's presence. It was not to focus on when I will start feeling His presence. But it was to focus on Him, to simply love Him, and to just worship. Slowly, His presence would come in.