Trust and obey

On Saturday I continued reading Heaven Lake a book that I had put aside for some months. And I enjoyed myself being at home, arranging clothes and reading. It was a novel that talked abt the travel experiences of a missionary- Vincent, to Taiwan, and how due to his sleeping with a student, was beaten up by the girl's brother. And so due to circumstances (too complicated to elaborate here), he had to travel through China. I could identify with this sense of disonance from one's surroundings. And it scared me to read about how he was bullied, robbed and conned by the chinese. It taught me that I must surely be more worldly wise and emotionally strong to be a missionary.

But most of all, it reminded me of the love of Christ, we were sinful, how He loved us.

There was one particular scene in the book at the bus station whereby a poor woman was being thrown stones at by the bus drivers, because she was dirty and smelly. And Vincent, in all his guilt/condemnation/wonder-if-God-existed state, walked up to the woman, helped her and sent her to the hospital, only to find out that she was huddling in her blanket 2 dead infant corpses.

What can I say? The imperfect love of a sinner? How often I've experienced that too with God, not being at a perfect state of submission and trust with Him, yet having the opportunities to help those in need. Somehow something stirs on the inside to help in my state of inadequacy.

Sunday I went to a talk in church by a missionary too, and it was good hearing about what He was doing in the country... All that made me realise the loads of work that is left to be accomplished. And last week I've been feeling sad about my state of singlehood, and thinking about a life partner. Bcos I have plans of serving God, and some of them may not be so normal, so I worry about whether I will find someone. But reading and hearing about missions made me realise how much work there was to do, and I shouldn't be spending so much time mopping around about my loneliness. I know that God will supply. May He help me find someone who will serve Him together with the same passion. For now, I don't have to wait for that one to be serving Him wholeheartedly. :)

Lunch with Clare was good, and I chewed on something she said, about seeking God for who He is, wanting to be more like Him, versus seeking Him for direction. I thought I knew that all along, but I realise that more and more, I've become anxious and unhappy about not knowing which direction to go. And no longer was at rest, happy, or joyful at simply being. Being a child of God, being loved by Him, being more like Him. I felt so fallen, and asked Him to forgive me..I know it happens often how busy I get serving Him, but they are just dead works if done without faith.

I realise I don't really trust God. One of the other things He is nudging me about. heh. A gentle nudge though, as always, come to realise that God speaks with a gentle voice and does not force us into it. Ultimately we decide how we want to act on it. But He has been telling me about Trust and Obey. Just 2 words but speaks volumes. If only I would be able to trust Him for my job, relationships, ministry, unsaved, poor, broken hearted. If only I would obey Him about those things, serve Him joyfully, and acknowledging He is ultimately sovereign. Wouldn't that save me a lot of heartache? Alas, trust....though easy to say is hard. I realise that I've been missing out on reading His word, and chewing on His word. Believing like it is life to my soul....like it is bread to my life.

WHOOOhhoooo I'm not too sure what kinda post this is, just have a lot to say I guess. And I'm not sure if anyone visits my spiritual blog. Hopefully some of the things I say may be applicable as well and will speak to you. :)



I shall end by saying that God loves me. And He loves you too. Thank You Lord for Yr great and amazing love.