C.S. Lewis says, "You never know how much you believe in the strength of the rope until you’re hanging by it over a cliff.”
It is faith...
Faith need not be exercised if seasons are not trying. Right?
The devil comes not in dark, ugly costumes, but he comes in shiny, pretty looking lollipops.
Its a season whereby all my belief in God is being tested. It is a scary, dark season.
Please please please pray for me.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Thursday, November 04, 2010
A season of growth
Because of my struggle with something I really wanted for the past few months, but I think it was not something God wanted for me, I realise that I don't really desire God. What I mean is, I desire a lot of things other than God. I don't fully recognize how deeply He loves me. If not, choosing Him over that other thing would have been easy? Yet even now, remnants of the desire to want that thing still remains.
But the really lovely thing is this, that in spite of my desires, He is very patient with me. He doesn't want me to have it, because He loves me. And I believe He cries with me, when I grieve.
Perhaps, it has helped to free me from the shoulds and should nots. In being real with God about my heart's desires. And during this journey, I shed many tears, because I realised the desires were linked to so many deep seated wounds. And then, I realised that my christianity was a farce. It is linked to so many things I felt I should or should not do, and that God would not love me if I didn't do so and so things.
I had a breakthrough today. I was feeling bad because of some comments people had said. Then I realised I was upset because I had taken in these comments as the truth. Whereas my value in Him was worth much more than that, and that it was okay for me to disagree with what was being said, and to forgive whoever had caused the offense. It helped so much in me being able to relate to the person involved with authenticity.
Its a season of growth and God is surfacing many things. But He also is real. And He is my everything, the one I talk to first in the face of any crisis. I hope He would always be.
But the really lovely thing is this, that in spite of my desires, He is very patient with me. He doesn't want me to have it, because He loves me. And I believe He cries with me, when I grieve.
Perhaps, it has helped to free me from the shoulds and should nots. In being real with God about my heart's desires. And during this journey, I shed many tears, because I realised the desires were linked to so many deep seated wounds. And then, I realised that my christianity was a farce. It is linked to so many things I felt I should or should not do, and that God would not love me if I didn't do so and so things.
I had a breakthrough today. I was feeling bad because of some comments people had said. Then I realised I was upset because I had taken in these comments as the truth. Whereas my value in Him was worth much more than that, and that it was okay for me to disagree with what was being said, and to forgive whoever had caused the offense. It helped so much in me being able to relate to the person involved with authenticity.
Its a season of growth and God is surfacing many things. But He also is real. And He is my everything, the one I talk to first in the face of any crisis. I hope He would always be.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Heart Pain
Most recently, I did something that my christian friends/mentors adviced me against doing. And now I'm reaping the effects of whatever I did. :( I feel so bad, but if I were to choose again, I think I may do it all over again.
I made myself vulnerable, perhaps because I always felt that loving is being vulnerable, and there's no way to just love people halfway. But loving is painful, and it hurts when it is not reciprocrated.
Nevertheless.... In the midst of this, I understood one thing, grace is not about my performance. I feel unworthy to serve, to mentor or lead others. And I ask myself what I think grace is? It is unearned, unmerited and even though I didn't meet religious expectations, I am righteous before Father God because of Jesus.
O dear Lord, pls be gracious to me and see me through this difficult time. :(
Jesus.. feeling the pain of rejection even as He loved...
Father.. the prodigal Father with outstretched arms waiting for the prodigal son's return.
Can one love unconditionally without expectation?
I made myself vulnerable, perhaps because I always felt that loving is being vulnerable, and there's no way to just love people halfway. But loving is painful, and it hurts when it is not reciprocrated.
Nevertheless.... In the midst of this, I understood one thing, grace is not about my performance. I feel unworthy to serve, to mentor or lead others. And I ask myself what I think grace is? It is unearned, unmerited and even though I didn't meet religious expectations, I am righteous before Father God because of Jesus.
O dear Lord, pls be gracious to me and see me through this difficult time. :(
Jesus.. feeling the pain of rejection even as He loved...
Father.. the prodigal Father with outstretched arms waiting for the prodigal son's return.
Can one love unconditionally without expectation?
Friday, August 06, 2010
My Heart's Desire
I am learning so much these days about God's grace and righteousness in Him.
I guess ever since becoming a Christian, I have been trying very hard to please God. Like reading the bible, serving, praying. And following all the disciplines. Before I became a christian, I was a "good" girl who was studious, nice etc. So I never really understood the concept of sin.
And now as I stand at the crossroads of decision making... and as my heart's desires surface... I come to realise grace which is unearned. Nothing I can do to make Him love me more. If I don't hide but surface the things that are on my heart, He would still love me. Obedience from the mind is something I can do but it would be with an unwilling heart. I can change my actions, but I can't change my heart and what He really wants is my heart. Even when I don't speak it out, He knows my heart. In "Prayer" Philip Yancey says that we often come to God with nice & politically correct prayers, but God hears the unspoken prayer in our heart.
Letting go of stuffs reveals to me the fears that are in my heart. Clinging on to things gives me that sense of security but once i let that go, I deal with the scary deep dark hole that is on the inside. And He wants to heal.
And knowing God as a Happy Father helps. Think my mind is really too intensed sometimes in thinking about things. But He just enjoys our company. He quiets us with His love..like singing a lovely lullaby. He loves us when we are unlovely. We don't have to hide the dark condition on our inside. Cos He knows, He sees, and yet He loves.
And only when we know He knows, sees and loves, that we can give our hearts to Him....
I am still trying to understand how deep how wide is His love for me.
I guess ever since becoming a Christian, I have been trying very hard to please God. Like reading the bible, serving, praying. And following all the disciplines. Before I became a christian, I was a "good" girl who was studious, nice etc. So I never really understood the concept of sin.
And now as I stand at the crossroads of decision making... and as my heart's desires surface... I come to realise grace which is unearned. Nothing I can do to make Him love me more. If I don't hide but surface the things that are on my heart, He would still love me. Obedience from the mind is something I can do but it would be with an unwilling heart. I can change my actions, but I can't change my heart and what He really wants is my heart. Even when I don't speak it out, He knows my heart. In "Prayer" Philip Yancey says that we often come to God with nice & politically correct prayers, but God hears the unspoken prayer in our heart.
Letting go of stuffs reveals to me the fears that are in my heart. Clinging on to things gives me that sense of security but once i let that go, I deal with the scary deep dark hole that is on the inside. And He wants to heal.
And knowing God as a Happy Father helps. Think my mind is really too intensed sometimes in thinking about things. But He just enjoys our company. He quiets us with His love..like singing a lovely lullaby. He loves us when we are unlovely. We don't have to hide the dark condition on our inside. Cos He knows, He sees, and yet He loves.
And only when we know He knows, sees and loves, that we can give our hearts to Him....
I am still trying to understand how deep how wide is His love for me.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Grace found me @ Penang
The one week in Penang has given my Christian life a totally new paradigm shift and breakthough in terms of my view of God.
Even though I know that God is kind and loving, I could never really receive it in my heart, and often felt bad when I did something wrong, or felt not good enough for Him.
The journey began when I signed up for the 2 day workshop in Singapore by Father Heart Ministries Asia. I was blessed as the speaker shared from the parables of the Prodigal son, as well as of the unforgiving Servant.
These are the two truths that were spoken:
1. The Father was waiting for the return of his son, even though the son had wanted his inheritance earlier, i.e. implication was telling his father that he wants him to die, and then went on a lifestyle of decadent living. He ended up having to work with pigs (which is unclean to the jews), and probably smelt of pigs when he came back. But the Father ran towards him and embraced him, and kissed him, and clothed him with a robe. How extravagant the Father's love is. This is Homecoming.
2. The master forgave the servant of a debt of 10,000 talents, which is equivalent to 60 million days of wages. A debt that could never have been repaid by the servant was forgiven! In the same way, Father God wipes out all our debts /sins before Him. We could never ever work our way through to our own salvation.
John 14 is pivoltal in my understanding of the Father. In it, Jesus says "I will not leave you as orphans", and He has prepared a room with many mansions, and He says, "Where I am, there you may be also". He uses "I am", which is present tensed, representing His current state of rest, that He is already now, at home and at rest with His Father, resting in His arms. John 1:18 says that Jesus is at the Father's side, or bosom (depending on your version), and this is the place that Father wants to bring us to.
And so the Father lovingly pursues us. And when the Fatherly Facilitator J invited me to go to Penang, I felt that it was a personal invitation from God. :D
We often pray and invite God to come into our meetings, the truth is, He is already present. It is just that our hearts do not have the capacity to receive Him.
Redemption, means that there was a previous ownership. We were created by God, even before we existed in our mother's wombs, God had us in mind. In His mind, we would be in that perfect place of Eden with no sorrows, or iniquities. God personally breathed His breathe into Adam. It is that level of initmacy that He desires for us. To know Him as our Creator. In us, is His very own breathe.
Did you know about the Mother Heart of God? God has feminine qualities in Him. Verses of how as a hen gather her chicks, as a mother would not forget her nursing child etc. That tenderness of God. It is in our mother's arms whereby we feel safe, where we feel trust.
I had to release forgiveness, and I wept all the pain and sorrow that was so deep. All the lies I bought into for all the years of my existance that I was not good enough. As I cried in the embrace of the ministers, I felt the Love of God in a most tangible way, through the love that these ones expressed. And yes, the words of truth & knowledge that were spoken went straight to the heart.
In one particular session, I just could not engage, but the lady who prayed for me said that this was a safe place, and I am not abandoned. The moment she said that, the floodgates opened. I cried all my fears of being myself, of feeling abandoned by God and by others. And I received that truth into my heart, that I was at a safe place of rest. Safe to be myself. I'm home, Daddy.
I saw visions. Of myself in a green grass field, worshipping God. It was that abundant freedom and joy in the green fields. Where I was with God. Me and God. Singing. We were created for freedom, and that freedom on the inside of my heart gushed out in Joy. :) On the last day I was scared that I would go back to my state of despair in Singapore. But He said that He had already burned His truth in my heart, and I know it. I felt waves and waves of His love flowing in me.
I'm greatly indebted to Uncle J and Aunty V who we stayed with, together with M and S. It was like a family. And on one divine night, Uncle Julian shared abt his experiences as a young adult, and I had a moment with him to share what I had been struggling with for long. And he prayed for me, did not judge me, but prayed for restoration. It amazes me how much God loves me to want me to be free from every area of struggle.
And yes the hugs made all the difference, I felt God's affection and love flowing through me, in particular the hug I received on the last day. The person praying for me told me that God was just pouring out His affection on me.
Beautiful, has been corrupted by the enemy, as we think beauty is of a certain image. But if you look into the eyes of each person, you see beauty. You see the fingerprint of God, and how can anything created in God's image not be beautiful?
I am immensely thankful. :)
Rest in the Father's Love. <3 The Father is ever pursuing us. And He would not leave as as orphans. So open up your heart to receive His love!
Even though I know that God is kind and loving, I could never really receive it in my heart, and often felt bad when I did something wrong, or felt not good enough for Him.
The journey began when I signed up for the 2 day workshop in Singapore by Father Heart Ministries Asia. I was blessed as the speaker shared from the parables of the Prodigal son, as well as of the unforgiving Servant.
These are the two truths that were spoken:
1. The Father was waiting for the return of his son, even though the son had wanted his inheritance earlier, i.e. implication was telling his father that he wants him to die, and then went on a lifestyle of decadent living. He ended up having to work with pigs (which is unclean to the jews), and probably smelt of pigs when he came back. But the Father ran towards him and embraced him, and kissed him, and clothed him with a robe. How extravagant the Father's love is. This is Homecoming.
2. The master forgave the servant of a debt of 10,000 talents, which is equivalent to 60 million days of wages. A debt that could never have been repaid by the servant was forgiven! In the same way, Father God wipes out all our debts /sins before Him. We could never ever work our way through to our own salvation.
John 14 is pivoltal in my understanding of the Father. In it, Jesus says "I will not leave you as orphans", and He has prepared a room with many mansions, and He says, "Where I am, there you may be also". He uses "I am", which is present tensed, representing His current state of rest, that He is already now, at home and at rest with His Father, resting in His arms. John 1:18 says that Jesus is at the Father's side, or bosom (depending on your version), and this is the place that Father wants to bring us to.
And so the Father lovingly pursues us. And when the Fatherly Facilitator J invited me to go to Penang, I felt that it was a personal invitation from God. :D
We often pray and invite God to come into our meetings, the truth is, He is already present. It is just that our hearts do not have the capacity to receive Him.
Redemption, means that there was a previous ownership. We were created by God, even before we existed in our mother's wombs, God had us in mind. In His mind, we would be in that perfect place of Eden with no sorrows, or iniquities. God personally breathed His breathe into Adam. It is that level of initmacy that He desires for us. To know Him as our Creator. In us, is His very own breathe.
Did you know about the Mother Heart of God? God has feminine qualities in Him. Verses of how as a hen gather her chicks, as a mother would not forget her nursing child etc. That tenderness of God. It is in our mother's arms whereby we feel safe, where we feel trust.
I had to release forgiveness, and I wept all the pain and sorrow that was so deep. All the lies I bought into for all the years of my existance that I was not good enough. As I cried in the embrace of the ministers, I felt the Love of God in a most tangible way, through the love that these ones expressed. And yes, the words of truth & knowledge that were spoken went straight to the heart.
In one particular session, I just could not engage, but the lady who prayed for me said that this was a safe place, and I am not abandoned. The moment she said that, the floodgates opened. I cried all my fears of being myself, of feeling abandoned by God and by others. And I received that truth into my heart, that I was at a safe place of rest. Safe to be myself. I'm home, Daddy.
I saw visions. Of myself in a green grass field, worshipping God. It was that abundant freedom and joy in the green fields. Where I was with God. Me and God. Singing. We were created for freedom, and that freedom on the inside of my heart gushed out in Joy. :) On the last day I was scared that I would go back to my state of despair in Singapore. But He said that He had already burned His truth in my heart, and I know it. I felt waves and waves of His love flowing in me.
I'm greatly indebted to Uncle J and Aunty V who we stayed with, together with M and S. It was like a family. And on one divine night, Uncle Julian shared abt his experiences as a young adult, and I had a moment with him to share what I had been struggling with for long. And he prayed for me, did not judge me, but prayed for restoration. It amazes me how much God loves me to want me to be free from every area of struggle.
And yes the hugs made all the difference, I felt God's affection and love flowing through me, in particular the hug I received on the last day. The person praying for me told me that God was just pouring out His affection on me.
Beautiful, has been corrupted by the enemy, as we think beauty is of a certain image. But if you look into the eyes of each person, you see beauty. You see the fingerprint of God, and how can anything created in God's image not be beautiful?
I am immensely thankful. :)
Rest in the Father's Love. <3 The Father is ever pursuing us. And He would not leave as as orphans. So open up your heart to receive His love!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Grace
Fresh from Penang:
Maybe for the first time, i understood grace and mercy as i waved goodbye to Uncle Julian and Aunty Vim. We were not related, we just got to know each other. But yet we received such love and care from them. The hugs we received first thing in the morning, and the last thing at night before we slept. It was like grace was present in the flesh. Something we did not earn or deserve, but we received in abundance. And mercy, yes all those times we should have received a harsh word for our mistakes, but we did not receive. It was true grace and mercy. I teared as i thought of the extravagent love of the Father. I didn't find Him. He found me and was ever seeking me out. It was only that my heart did not have the capacity then to receive it. But now it knows, and it opens wide to receive waves and waves of His goodness and love. I feel like a girl giddily in love with a boy who pursued her extravagently. I feel like a silly girl running into papa's arms to rest. Was this not afterall, all that i was seeking all along?
Yes this is a safe place to rest. And Jesus has prepared many mansions in His house. Home is a safe place where we can be ourselves, be crazy, be silly, afford to fail and know that we would still be loved.
Maybe for the first time, i understood grace and mercy as i waved goodbye to Uncle Julian and Aunty Vim. We were not related, we just got to know each other. But yet we received such love and care from them. The hugs we received first thing in the morning, and the last thing at night before we slept. It was like grace was present in the flesh. Something we did not earn or deserve, but we received in abundance. And mercy, yes all those times we should have received a harsh word for our mistakes, but we did not receive. It was true grace and mercy. I teared as i thought of the extravagent love of the Father. I didn't find Him. He found me and was ever seeking me out. It was only that my heart did not have the capacity then to receive it. But now it knows, and it opens wide to receive waves and waves of His goodness and love. I feel like a girl giddily in love with a boy who pursued her extravagently. I feel like a silly girl running into papa's arms to rest. Was this not afterall, all that i was seeking all along?
Yes this is a safe place to rest. And Jesus has prepared many mansions in His house. Home is a safe place where we can be ourselves, be crazy, be silly, afford to fail and know that we would still be loved.
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Beautiful Rag Doll
I went for a seminar last week on the Father's Heart, and I was very blessed as it was an intimate time with God, and also very ministering, as many of my childhood hurts were surfaced. In particular, Zeph 3:17 was quoted to me 3 times. I felt very affirmed.
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing"
I think it is a whole process of healing, and right after the seminar, more issues seemed to surface through different circumstances. I'm thankful though, that His love is my anchor.
The speaker spoke of the Father who was waiting for his son to come home, and hugged him and kissed him even though the son had earlier wished he was dead so he cld get his inheritance, and furthermore he was smelly cos he hung out with pigs. And another parable abt how the master forgave the servant who owed him 10,000 talents, equivalent to 60 million days of wages, which could never ever be repaid.
A fatherly facilitator came to talk to me, and I seemed to have found special favour in his eyes. :D He invited me for the Father's heart A school conference at Penang next week and offered to let me stay in the apartment with him and his wife. And today I just bought my airtickets! Im flying on the 6th and back on 13th June. Its seriously a time out with God. I am really looking forward to find Him.
God, help me....
Leaning on the Father's embrace.
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing"
I think it is a whole process of healing, and right after the seminar, more issues seemed to surface through different circumstances. I'm thankful though, that His love is my anchor.
The speaker spoke of the Father who was waiting for his son to come home, and hugged him and kissed him even though the son had earlier wished he was dead so he cld get his inheritance, and furthermore he was smelly cos he hung out with pigs. And another parable abt how the master forgave the servant who owed him 10,000 talents, equivalent to 60 million days of wages, which could never ever be repaid.
A fatherly facilitator came to talk to me, and I seemed to have found special favour in his eyes. :D He invited me for the Father's heart A school conference at Penang next week and offered to let me stay in the apartment with him and his wife. And today I just bought my airtickets! Im flying on the 6th and back on 13th June. Its seriously a time out with God. I am really looking forward to find Him.
God, help me....
Leaning on the Father's embrace.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
My Heart
Today during YWAM training for the Officers, these verses struck me, the Holy Spirit spoke deeply to my heart (there are those ocassions when He does show v clearly abt certain verses).
"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Ps 51
In thinking abt my future, I wonder if staying in humanitarian/community development work is better because it is a greater sacrifice. But it struck me deeply, God is not concerned with my sacrifice, He is concerned with the condition of my heart. An obedient heart. A broken heart.
I know that it would be more noble for me to continue on here. I know that I would sacrifice more of my pay. I know that my work would be meaningful.
But...O..where is my heart...God is concerned with my walk with Him, more so than my sacrifice. I struggle.
I pray that my heart would align with His, my desires would be according to His will. Pls guide me Lord.
"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Ps 51
In thinking abt my future, I wonder if staying in humanitarian/community development work is better because it is a greater sacrifice. But it struck me deeply, God is not concerned with my sacrifice, He is concerned with the condition of my heart. An obedient heart. A broken heart.
I know that it would be more noble for me to continue on here. I know that I would sacrifice more of my pay. I know that my work would be meaningful.
But...O..where is my heart...God is concerned with my walk with Him, more so than my sacrifice. I struggle.
I pray that my heart would align with His, my desires would be according to His will. Pls guide me Lord.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
It is Yours
My contract with the organization finishes in end April, and wow...2 years have passed. I have told them that I would not be continuing after that, and I'm not sure that feeling has completely sunk in. Though after I sent that email to my boss, I felt like something died...that I had to let go of something.
I haven't found another job yet, but am thinking of going back to the corporate. After I made this decision, yesterday I spoke to one of the EXCO members who asked me to consider staying. I said that I have decided but I am open to how God will lead me. :D
Why change? I think that being in the corporate helps me to gain certain professional skills that are necessary for tent making and missions overseas. I still love missions and community development, and being on the ground. But I am currently emotionally and spiritually not ready to be based on the ground now (i.e. being based overseas with the people). Being a volunteer also means more liberty and leeway to travel, since I am paying for my own expense.
Having said that, the one thing on the base line I've been trying to do is to let go. Let go...bcos ministry is a heavy responsibility which I feel weighed down by. I need to let go of the ministry back to God. The ministry is His...He would not allow the ministry to collapse because all the work is He's. All the women, children etc. are His.
Funny thing that ever since starting in the Non profit sector, my standard of living and lifestyle has not changed and in fact I am spending more money these days. On haircutting packages, gym, pedicure, facial pdts etc. Whatever happened to that thought that each cent I spend could have helped a child who has no food or education? I don't know...just feel that I cannot make lifestyle choices based on guilt.
And if there's no division between secular and sacred (i.e. marketplace work is just as important as full time), in the same way, full time work also has its mundane admin tasks that are nowhere special or spiritual in a sense. So...
Maybe I don't feel the need for angst anymore of why-am-i-in-a-comfortable-aircon-room-while-the-world is dying. Cos a lot of things are not dependent on what we can do, but on prayer. And it is about that "being" and not about that "doing", in which I live my life as a worship unto God.
Do I still love missions? Yes I do... Still that tugging of the heart seeing photos, being on the ground with the people. Have I become more cynical? I hope not. But I have become more wise...I hope...in realising that a lot of things have its pros and cons, and our best intentions to help people are coupled with its own sets of implications and impact on people on the ground. Am I better off being on the ground then? Even then...any work that is established by mere human effort will not be strong. Whatever it is..the Word seems to be obedience and trust. Is it difficult to let go? Yes it is...
I will be back...whatever and whenever that means..
I am giving God a blank cheque for this season to write in the way He wants... Remembering that He is a God who is kind & sovereign. If it is all God's, what is there about to be angsty? ;)
The song that made me tear, and expresses what I wanted to say.
Yours - Steven Curtis Chapman
I walk the streets of London
And notice in the faces passing by
Something that makes me stop and listen
My heart grows heavy with the cry
Where is the hope for London?
You whisper and my heart begins to soar
As I'm reminded
That every street in London in Yours
Oh, yes it is
I walk the dirt roads of Uganda
I see the scars that war has left behind
Hope like the sun is fading
They're waiting for a cure no one can find
And I hear children's voices singing
Of a God who heals and rescues and restores
And I'm reminded
That every child in Africa is Yours
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper,
Father and Ruler of everything
And I walk the sidewalks of Nashville
Like Singapore, Manila and Shanghai
I rush by the beggar's hand and the wealthy man
And everywhere I look I realize
That just like the streets of London
For every man and woman, boy and girl
All of creation
This is our Father's world
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper,
It's all Yours, God
It's all Yours, God
I’ve walked the valley of death’s shadow
So deep and dark that I could barely breathe
I’ve had to let go of more than I could bear
And questioned everything that I believe
But still even here in this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you
And we are Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
All the greatness and power,
the glory and splendor and majesty
Everything is Yours
Yeah, it's all Yours
We are Yours
The glory and honor is Yours, everything is Yours
I haven't found another job yet, but am thinking of going back to the corporate. After I made this decision, yesterday I spoke to one of the EXCO members who asked me to consider staying. I said that I have decided but I am open to how God will lead me. :D
Why change? I think that being in the corporate helps me to gain certain professional skills that are necessary for tent making and missions overseas. I still love missions and community development, and being on the ground. But I am currently emotionally and spiritually not ready to be based on the ground now (i.e. being based overseas with the people). Being a volunteer also means more liberty and leeway to travel, since I am paying for my own expense.
Having said that, the one thing on the base line I've been trying to do is to let go. Let go...bcos ministry is a heavy responsibility which I feel weighed down by. I need to let go of the ministry back to God. The ministry is His...He would not allow the ministry to collapse because all the work is He's. All the women, children etc. are His.
Funny thing that ever since starting in the Non profit sector, my standard of living and lifestyle has not changed and in fact I am spending more money these days. On haircutting packages, gym, pedicure, facial pdts etc. Whatever happened to that thought that each cent I spend could have helped a child who has no food or education? I don't know...just feel that I cannot make lifestyle choices based on guilt.
And if there's no division between secular and sacred (i.e. marketplace work is just as important as full time), in the same way, full time work also has its mundane admin tasks that are nowhere special or spiritual in a sense. So...
Maybe I don't feel the need for angst anymore of why-am-i-in-a-comfortable-aircon-room-while-the-world is dying. Cos a lot of things are not dependent on what we can do, but on prayer. And it is about that "being" and not about that "doing", in which I live my life as a worship unto God.
Do I still love missions? Yes I do... Still that tugging of the heart seeing photos, being on the ground with the people. Have I become more cynical? I hope not. But I have become more wise...I hope...in realising that a lot of things have its pros and cons, and our best intentions to help people are coupled with its own sets of implications and impact on people on the ground. Am I better off being on the ground then? Even then...any work that is established by mere human effort will not be strong. Whatever it is..the Word seems to be obedience and trust. Is it difficult to let go? Yes it is...
I will be back...whatever and whenever that means..
I am giving God a blank cheque for this season to write in the way He wants... Remembering that He is a God who is kind & sovereign. If it is all God's, what is there about to be angsty? ;)
The song that made me tear, and expresses what I wanted to say.
Yours - Steven Curtis Chapman
I walk the streets of London
And notice in the faces passing by
Something that makes me stop and listen
My heart grows heavy with the cry
Where is the hope for London?
You whisper and my heart begins to soar
As I'm reminded
That every street in London in Yours
Oh, yes it is
I walk the dirt roads of Uganda
I see the scars that war has left behind
Hope like the sun is fading
They're waiting for a cure no one can find
And I hear children's voices singing
Of a God who heals and rescues and restores
And I'm reminded
That every child in Africa is Yours
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper,
Father and Ruler of everything
And I walk the sidewalks of Nashville
Like Singapore, Manila and Shanghai
I rush by the beggar's hand and the wealthy man
And everywhere I look I realize
That just like the streets of London
For every man and woman, boy and girl
All of creation
This is our Father's world
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper,
It's all Yours, God
It's all Yours, God
I’ve walked the valley of death’s shadow
So deep and dark that I could barely breathe
I’ve had to let go of more than I could bear
And questioned everything that I believe
But still even here in this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you
And we are Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
All the greatness and power,
the glory and splendor and majesty
Everything is Yours
Yeah, it's all Yours
We are Yours
The glory and honor is Yours, everything is Yours
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Dying to myself
While I was at Padang during one of our devotion times, I had this impression about John the Baptist saying that He who is coming is greater than him (John). And amazingly, as A shared devotions, he referred to John the Baptist, and the promise of Jesus and the Holy Spirit!
When I got back to Singapore, Shir sent me an email about how all that we do is for God's glory and not our own. Like John the Baptist who knew that he was here on earth for a purpose - to prepare the way for Jesus.
When a message is being repeated 3 times, U got to start paying attention to it. I've been thinking about it, and today I understood its meaning!
I had a talk with my boss today, and she affirmed me. She said that she sees me dying to myself, and embracing the vision of another. I was very encouraged when I heard that because I felt that this whole 1 year and 8 months at GB has been a journey of learning servant leadership.
Learning to die to my own ambitions, to embrace God's calling, and to do everything for His glory.
And... in exchange receiving the resurrected life of Jesus.
After a series of almost going and not going to Cambodia, I may be finally really going to Cambodia in late Feb! :) Prayed and told God I'm not going to be the one making the trip happen anymore. If it is Your will, pls open the doors and let people be asking me to go.
P/S Today is exactly 2 years after my parents said yes to my job switch.
When I got back to Singapore, Shir sent me an email about how all that we do is for God's glory and not our own. Like John the Baptist who knew that he was here on earth for a purpose - to prepare the way for Jesus.
When a message is being repeated 3 times, U got to start paying attention to it. I've been thinking about it, and today I understood its meaning!
I had a talk with my boss today, and she affirmed me. She said that she sees me dying to myself, and embracing the vision of another. I was very encouraged when I heard that because I felt that this whole 1 year and 8 months at GB has been a journey of learning servant leadership.
Learning to die to my own ambitions, to embrace God's calling, and to do everything for His glory.
And... in exchange receiving the resurrected life of Jesus.
After a series of almost going and not going to Cambodia, I may be finally really going to Cambodia in late Feb! :) Prayed and told God I'm not going to be the one making the trip happen anymore. If it is Your will, pls open the doors and let people be asking me to go.
P/S Today is exactly 2 years after my parents said yes to my job switch.
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