Who shall I share this with?

Dear God,
And whomever that the Lord shall choose and use to speak to me. I had a wonderful emerge conference just now, at the end of it, I felt so touched by Your presence, and I think u wanted to encourage me that u understood my pain, and I need not fight no more the battles that I try to fight alone. For it is with acceptance of our own brokenness and weakness, that You-God can come and move in our lives.
As I looked at Pastor Kong ministering to the people, and also speaking a word to Pastor Abraham, I was so touched, I saw You working through the lives of the ple. I saw Your people, throughout the expo, 7000 of us, lifting up their hands to worship You. Everyone reaching out to You. Yr Holy Spirit touching their hearts, imparting dreams and visions to those young people. I really thank You, God for the ministry of Pastor and his team. Even as I look at the CG leaders I used to serve with, I know that everyone of us gave of our time, money and talents to serve You. Whether it is to skip meals or sleep etc..I know that all of us wanted to lay down our lives to serve You. And I heard Pastor Audrey share on the stage the testimony of her as a youth, leading 7 cgs while she was in VJC. That's so not easy and required dedication and devotion to You.
I also see churches that have existed for a long time. Lest I judge...but yet I see that there is really a lacking of fresh touch and revelation of You. I know that God, u have used Pastor Kong to start a new church doing a new thing, reaching out to youths in contemporary ways. A vision, U have placed in his heart for the mktplace, to use our talents, to raise up ple to be the salt and light in the mkt place. Being relevant & contemporary, that's lacking in so many churches these days. He is a bold man who is not afraid of criticisms, but following the vision You have commanded him to do.
How can I not know these things since I've been in this church for the past 8 years?
But each time I see someone wearing an Ed Hardy shirt, something stirs up within me. A few hundred dollars for a shirt? Should I judge ple for wearing those shirts? Maybe he didn't even buy it? Maybe someone gave it to him?
Everytime I think of the next church building we are going to build that costs a few hundred million, something stirs again. Can we use the money for better use? When I see glossy pamplets that would have cost much to print or the Xando coffee in the Emerge bag...I wonder, do we really need this?
Do we need makeup competitions or arm wrestling competitions?
Am I getting too critical? Legalistic? Religious?

It doesn't settle well within me...when things start getting commercialised. And I felt uncomfortable today cos Junyang, Kelly and Taufiq were invited to church to sing. They are non-christians. And that took up 1 hr? Youths waving their hands up and down for their "idol". If we went to church to hear different messages from the world, why is it that when I go to church, some of them sound so similar to motivational speeches?

God, who can I speak to? Who can I ask? How I wish for a spiritual authority over my life. Someone who is balanced, who is godly and has experienced how I feel.

Or is it that You have given different different ministries? Some to reach out to the cities-mkt place, some to the poor countries? CHC also does missions in indonesia, northeast asia etc. But everytime, I think of my life with You, I have this strong sense that it is to minister to people who are hurting, who need a lot of time/patience/love, ple who are outcasts, misunderstood, lonely. These God, are those U have impressed upon my heart to reach out to. And then to me, CHC doesn't seem like a church that really speaks to this group. CHC does teach to love and accept ple, to love others as Christ loved us. But the thing is, with the emphasis on being successful in our areas in the mktplace, looking good, being trendy. The emerge competitions of parade of schools (where the youths dance), arm wrestling, singing, sports etc., does it mean that those who don't excel in either of this will feel left out? Does it also mean an emphasis on the outward rather than the empowering from You that goes beyond our natural abilities to sing/dance or look good. Do we need slimming coffee to make us look good? Or do You, look into our hearts? And these ple who are outcasts, more than anything, want acceptance and need the message of unconditional acceptance. Not a list of must dos and nots, of how to become more spiritual etc. Those are impt, but it is also impt that they are placed in an environment of with assurance of Your values, that You don't judge according to outwardly success but look inward.

Sometimes I see among the youths, and I worry...I worry that they grow up to be christians who care more abt the outwardly than abt the inwardly. Then again, Pastor always emphasizes in his sermons that we need to pray to You, and not depend on methods or our own talents to make things work. But, does the emphasis on looking good/smart, being successful mean also that the part on being spiritual is diluted? I really don't know. I see that CHC has raised up so many christians who lay down their lives for You, God. But I've also seen youths who jump up and down during praise, and try every week to "reach out" to their friends, really seem to be following everything that Pastor preaches or their CGL teaches them to do, but don't really know You. Thats not something I can judge..whether someone knows You or not. They may have simple faith in You. They may be a group of contemporary youths who will otherwise be lost in eternity. They may need time and discipleship to truly know You.

These are my worries God. And I am afraid...to see youths wearing/aiming to buy Ed Hardy shirts, when some of them may hardly come from rich families. I am afraid sometimes to see ple with coloured hair that's gelled up in the latest fashion. Girls in their mini shirts and halter necks. Sure...those are just a matter of lifestyle. But are they good? I really don't know.

What is good and right in Your eyes, Lord? I really don't know anymore. U do use imperfect men ofcos. You do...You do speak to Your servants. Sometimes Your methods may seem strange. It may seem difficult to understand. What should I do God? I think essentially tonight You were telling me not to focus so much on wats right or wrong, cos those distract me, from the real call. The real call for my life to minister to the hurting, and so many lost in the company, my frens, ple in developing countries. So many of them God... And God, the thing is, I really want to belong to a church where I can identify with the vision, to grow with the church and be planted there. I think that right now, I am going thru a period of wilderness, where I need to seek You, be broken, be humble, and grow closer to You through Your words & affirmation. God...even if the whole world forsakes me, You will not forsake me. I really can't understand what I am going through right now. I pray You give me the grace God and faith to trust You even when I don't understand. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen!