Heart Matters

Just came back from 2 day and 1 night Intentional Discipleship Making Conference (IDMC) conference. This year's theme was on Inspiring Resonance. It was my first IDMC conference, and the first conference I ever attended at CEFC, so I didn't really know what to expect. I was really blessed by the word that was preached, and I feel like God is doing an operation within my heart with every sermon. =) Its quite a strange experience as I didn't cry/weep, but it was just a very gentle nudging from the Holy Spirit in my heart and it brought tremendous peace. I guess it is what you can say I am cut to the heart by the Word of God. And it feels different, but it also feels very solid, as if it is a strong foundation to build on, not just an emotion or ra ra feel good feeling. I feel at peace now, don't feel like I am pumped up to change the world, just feel His endearing presence.

There are lots to share about, but I guess He is trying to teach me a few things. There was a lot of talk on the heart, and one of the sermons, it said that yr heart will affect what your hand did. What is in your heart? I knew He was speaking to me as He surfaced insecurity, fears, anxieties on the inside. All these things in my heart lead to the need for control & power, fears that I am not good enough, always wanting to prove myself by doing something.

Authenticity- so many of us carry fears in our hearts and relate to people on a very superficial level. Towards our brothers and sisters, we are okay, smiley and all. But deep inside the heart we are hiding so much pain and inadequacies that we feel. And I realise that only by being authentic can we build genuine friendships with people, i.e. have a shared resonance with others.

Leading from the inside out. I understand this concept better today. That when we lead from the inside out, we need not have fear, but we have a deep sense of restedness in Him. Authenticity, character, depth, restedness, security, significance, approval of God. Versus accomplishment, competence, expansion driven, restlessness, insecurity, success, applause of man. Why does the latter list sound so much like the things I have been trying to do? ;) For years of performance drivenness, needing to please others, wanting success, needing to see growth in ministry. But how blessed the soul that is at rest. One of the things that really spoke to me was Pastor Ed's emphasis on Following Jesus, that His call for us was not "advance my kingdom", but rather "abide in Me".

Based on my background, my idea of leadership conferences was lots of laying of hands for leaders and inner healing. Well-said, that sometimes these feel-good sessions are only a temporary relief, i.e. pasting plaster on cancerous cells. What needs to be removed and replaced on the inside is not dealt with. Yup, I remember those moments in the past when I sought the Lord for ministry, and felt His love & acceptance and cried buckets. Really thankful for the revelation of His love, but this conference has not just engaged my emotions, but also my mind. For example, Pastor Ed asked the leaders- why are we hurt? If we are hurt for following Jesus, REJOICE! And somehow this caused a breakthrough in my way of thinking. Was I following Jesus in every ministry experience that He has led me into? I think I earnestly was desiring to be a blessing to the people whom He placed in my hands. Yet it was painful-a statement he made "A lot of our pains are self-inflicted wounds because of self inflated egos." How true.

Somehow thought that if God called, then things should be smooth sailing. So why God did I have to go through the pains? Hmm. Perhaps part and parcel of service unto God is also taking up the cross. Taking account reality: of busy deadlines at work coming Monday, and other areas of service, it is easy to get discouraged. Yet God's calling doesn't promise us a smooth sail, it brings with it sets of challenges. In the midst of most unfruitful times, a deep work is being done on the inside.

One more thing about the rule of thumb in making decisions to ask ourselves, am I following Christ? If I am, I need not fear. To see in every difficult decision the spiritual realm- what is God trying to uncover, and what is satan trying to destroy. On the personal realm- what must I do to align with God and protect myself from the enemy's attack? Before we step into organizational matters to provide solutions.

So it made me think of my job decision- I believe that this was a decision that Christ would have made. What is God trying to teach me? I believe all of the above that I have typed on trust & restedness in Him. What is satan trying to do? He is trying to discourage me from the calling God has given to me to the marginalized.

Interestingly, Aunty M came over to pray for me at the end of the session. And she told me the same 2 things- rest and trust. The inside of me can't get over that God actually prefers me to rest as opposed to fighting it out and going for the option of WV. Don't know why God will prefer me to go by the seemingly more "comfortable" choice, feel that I should have the courage to go for the WV choice. And so I struggle with this. Yet many of them lies in my mind, I know that God is good, and I know He searches my heart and know what is on the inside. I hope what is on the inside is a desire to honour Him. Thank God for sending people to encourage me and pray for me. I will try hard to rest (oxymoron) cos I am not used to resting. ;) I think what is needed is a mindset of trust in Him. So dear Lord, lead me along in this journey with You. I am honoured that You give me this "unwanted" grace to be the person You want me to be, and all these things, only to give me the best- a closer walk with You.

Finally I guess, this whole idea of "servant" leadership is so topsy turvy. Overturns my whole idea of leadership, that our responsibility is leadership, but our position is a servant. What an honour to be serving my master. I don't know if I am able to do it with the many challenges ahead, but I know He can and will help me.