At that point in time it was perhaps the first test I experienced as a christian. I was quite upset and even disappointed, even with God. But I think it challenged me and my view of God at that point in time. Would I trust Him for His timing to go overseas or not? Would I trust in His vision for me in spite of the circumstances? And also to know that His ways are higher than my ways. That was a test for me..after the golden period.
It was expensive to study overseas (esp UK) without a scholarship. And neither did I think it was worth it to spend so much on it. So I had to decide on local uni. Honestly I don't think local psychology is really good cos its a BA, Bachelor of Arts, and not a BPsych which UK offered. I didn't wanna do a arts degree with major in psych. I deliberated betw mass comm and biz, but went ahead with Biz cos of my other vision to go to the Biz world. :)
I went for orientation camp and did rag and flag etc. Initially it was quite miserable, as I can't really click with my frens. Some of the girls are really very girly. Heh. Not sure if u understand what I mean. But anyway I stayed in PGP residence for the first semester. In my first year I didn't study very hard and talked a lot on the phone. Staying in PGP was distracting with unlimited internet usage and the size of the room meant my bed was just next to my desk. Plus the phone, was next to the lap top etc.
I also joined the Varsity Christian Fellowship. They way-laid me during the matriculation fair and took down my number. I wasn't really interested but this senior-Darryl, called me and made frens with me. Darryl and I became pretty close as he was from the same church as me. And after my first visit to the VCF cg, I felt quite comfy. There were very nice ple there, and we had this buddy system, and Lizhen was my buddy! I enjoyed sharing my life and struggles with her in terms of relationships, school etc. We also did weekly readings on stuff like prayer, discipline, time etc and shared with each other. It was very comfortable sharing with Lizhen as she was always quite open about her own life, and non-judgemental towards mine. I somehow lacked that kind of sharing with my church cg ple. It was also a time of understanding ple from other churches better. Some of them don't lift their hands during worship, sometimes they sing hymms. CG sessions were facilitated and each of us took turns to lead.
Coming from City Harvest back then I had an attitude that my church was better, not dead and dry. At the start I was judgemental and in fact felt better than others there. But my opinion changed when I met many godly men and women in VCF. I was inspired from the way they lived their lives, they bore the fruit of love, joy and peace. One of the leaders then, Celia really touched me with her prayers and her earnest hunger for God, and her concern and care for the people under her.
In VCF, I was asked to lead worship for the first time in my life. I was happy. As I had shared in my previous entry, I wanted to become a cgl and hence I was glad to have the opportunity to lead. I thought of everything city harvest like. I started by sharing a verse, and then Darryl played for me. I was very self conscious, instead of worshipping, I was worrying. I lifted up my hands and sang as usual, and I was distracted cos none of the rest were not lifting their hands!
In biz sch we had to do presentations, and I did mine for the first time. I was so so nervous that my hands shook when I presented, and I stammered and my voice broke...
After that I felt terrible and I was so ANGRY with myself. And I was sharing with Lizhen at the fountain at PGP, and she prayed for me and told me not to take things to heart. I was angry cos I felt that I did not glorify God in my presentation. Over the next few weeks I realised what was the problem with me. Pastor Kong did a series on loving ourselves and loving people. He shared that God often forgives us, but it is we ourselves who can't forgive ourselves. And for the next few weeks I experienced emotional healing as I forgave myself and accepted myself for who I was.
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