My contract with the organization finishes in end April, and wow...2 years have passed. I have told them that I would not be continuing after that, and I'm not sure that feeling has completely sunk in. Though after I sent that email to my boss, I felt like something died...that I had to let go of something.
I haven't found another job yet, but am thinking of going back to the corporate. After I made this decision, yesterday I spoke to one of the EXCO members who asked me to consider staying. I said that I have decided but I am open to how God will lead me. :D
Why change? I think that being in the corporate helps me to gain certain professional skills that are necessary for tent making and missions overseas. I still love missions and community development, and being on the ground. But I am currently emotionally and spiritually not ready to be based on the ground now (i.e. being based overseas with the people). Being a volunteer also means more liberty and leeway to travel, since I am paying for my own expense.
Having said that, the one thing on the base line I've been trying to do is to let go. Let go...bcos ministry is a heavy responsibility which I feel weighed down by. I need to let go of the ministry back to God. The ministry is His...He would not allow the ministry to collapse because all the work is He's. All the women, children etc. are His.
Funny thing that ever since starting in the Non profit sector, my standard of living and lifestyle has not changed and in fact I am spending more money these days. On haircutting packages, gym, pedicure, facial pdts etc. Whatever happened to that thought that each cent I spend could have helped a child who has no food or education? I don't know...just feel that I cannot make lifestyle choices based on guilt.
And if there's no division between secular and sacred (i.e. marketplace work is just as important as full time), in the same way, full time work also has its mundane admin tasks that are nowhere special or spiritual in a sense. So...
Maybe I don't feel the need for angst anymore of why-am-i-in-a-comfortable-aircon-room-while-the-world is dying. Cos a lot of things are not dependent on what we can do, but on prayer. And it is about that "being" and not about that "doing", in which I live my life as a worship unto God.
Do I still love missions? Yes I do... Still that tugging of the heart seeing photos, being on the ground with the people. Have I become more cynical? I hope not. But I have become more wise...I hope...in realising that a lot of things have its pros and cons, and our best intentions to help people are coupled with its own sets of implications and impact on people on the ground. Am I better off being on the ground then? Even then...any work that is established by mere human effort will not be strong. Whatever it is..the Word seems to be obedience and trust. Is it difficult to let go? Yes it is...
I will be back...whatever and whenever that means..
I am giving God a blank cheque for this season to write in the way He wants... Remembering that He is a God who is kind & sovereign. If it is all God's, what is there about to be angsty? ;)
The song that made me tear, and expresses what I wanted to say.
Yours - Steven Curtis Chapman
I walk the streets of London
And notice in the faces passing by
Something that makes me stop and listen
My heart grows heavy with the cry
Where is the hope for London?
You whisper and my heart begins to soar
As I'm reminded
That every street in London in Yours
Oh, yes it is
I walk the dirt roads of Uganda
I see the scars that war has left behind
Hope like the sun is fading
They're waiting for a cure no one can find
And I hear children's voices singing
Of a God who heals and rescues and restores
And I'm reminded
That every child in Africa is Yours
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper,
Father and Ruler of everything
And I walk the sidewalks of Nashville
Like Singapore, Manila and Shanghai
I rush by the beggar's hand and the wealthy man
And everywhere I look I realize
That just like the streets of London
For every man and woman, boy and girl
All of creation
This is our Father's world
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper,
It's all Yours, God
It's all Yours, God
I’ve walked the valley of death’s shadow
So deep and dark that I could barely breathe
I’ve had to let go of more than I could bear
And questioned everything that I believe
But still even here in this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you
And we are Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
All the greatness and power,
the glory and splendor and majesty
Everything is Yours
Yeah, it's all Yours
We are Yours
The glory and honor is Yours, everything is Yours
