2 weeks ago while I was at Indonesia, while Pastor D's little daughter was soundly and sweetly asleep in the hotel room, I had some quiet time to pen down my prayers. The words came fast and furiously, and easily filled up 7.5 pages of my notebook.
Over these 2 weeks, I think God is challenging my heart abt 2 main things:
1. Marketplace and me
Pouring out to God my disappointment at not being able to transit to a non-profit. I asked Him why Lord? It was somehow easier for me to reach out to the marginalized, and my heart never fails to leap with compassion. Almost like a commandment to Jonah to love the Ninevahs, is God's commandement to me to love the Singaporeans in the market place. I guess my stuggle is, God, they don't deserve this, they are comfortable, spend their money as their please, ignore the poor, and look, there are loads of people working in the company who are christians, why don't they do something about this?
Last week God threw in a challenge for me to love my neighbour as myself, through challenging situations in the workplace. And it has been difficult being loving, to see where God is leading, to surrender my pride to Him, to not be in defensive mode, but in patient & kind mode, to not be in agitated mode but in Lord I trust You mode. Yes, loving my neighbours in the mkt place is a challenge for me.
Added to that are feelings of inadequacy. God, these people are much more eloquent & intelligent than me. Where do I stand in speaking to them about You? Praying to God to empower me. And He has been teaching me in brokenness, is how He will use me.
Most recently the dreams I had 4-5 years back talking to businessmen in suits has recurred. The significance indeed, of being at a position to encourage people in the mktplace. To lift up our eyes beyond our work, to put Him first in all things, no matter how busy we are. These, indeed, are still challenges to me. With more stressful workloads these days, I no longer seem to have as much sleep & time to serve Him, and I think these can only be done supernaturally. May these be a testimony that shine for Him brightly.
Had a short chat with Pastor K on Sat, as he came for the RAYS leaders retreat. And he was so amazed and glad when I told him I had a CF in the company that meets up once every week during lunchtime, and we had held evangelistic outreaches too. He said, you must feel really supported! It was strangely encouraging, and contrasted greatly with the deep dullness in my heart that I was experiencing. This dullness of working, of stress and all that. That I forgot to give thanks to God for blessing me with a CF in the company, and a dearest mentor Clare, and it was indeed something to give thanks for. :)
2. Faith and me
E shared with the RAYS on the vision for 2008 on saturday. And there was this short video clip that was shown. It resounded in my head, DON'T GIVE UP! KEEP TRYING YOUR BEST. Keep going keep going. It stirred up images of the past where I had by faith, tried, and failed. And I am still living in the past failures, still recoiling from stepping up because I am afraid that I will fail again, afraid that I have heard Him wrongly in the past, or disappointed Him greatly. Couldn't help but tear again, as I felt His quiet assurance that He still had use for me, and He saw my heart.
The road ahead is indeed challenging, and I need loads of faith to believe in Him. Yet all He requires, I guess, is that of a mustard seed. With all I have. I tell Him that I surrender. I pray that He may use me in spite of how inadequate & weak I feel.
