Disconnect

I'm getting married next year Jan, so with marriage comes a lot of decisions to be made, in particular on our lifestyle and the house we would be staying in. We are going to rent for two years whilst waiting for our BTO to be ready.

I come from a upper middle class family, and earn a decent pay. My current room has an adjourning toilet. In the toilet, I have 3 to 4 shower gels at one time,i.e., normal one, a scrub and a more luscious one. I have 2 shampoos at one time as I think there will be some build up in your hair to use the same shampoo in long term.. And the list goes on. I am scared of lizards and cockroaches.. Today I accidentally stepped on a baby lizard, and I didn't dare to even pick up it's corpse to throw it away.

Depending on your background u would say my lifestyle is comfortable, very comfortable etc. That's not the point I am making..to compare with different standards..

I feel a disconnect between what I share and how I live.. Since 2006 knowing about how much God cares for the poor, I have put in my mind ( or heart?) live simply so that others can simply live. I know how I live now is not simple. My role models are people like Jim Eliot who went to stay in the jungles to share Christ, Heidi Baker who went to HK and purposefully stayed in the slums so she could reach out, and then to Mozambique - poorest nation in the world.

I know the common reply is that everyone has different callings.. The other is that God loves His children, and blesses you with abundance.

Are these good reasons? are we justifying ourselves when we say that Jesus's call to disciples to not bring anything with them when they follow Him Is just a matter of focus? Or does going all out for Jesus call us to surrender all?

These questions surface in me, I feel a disconnect between how I think the ideal lifestyle should be vs how I am living.. Yet being balanced with the knowledge that I am God's daughter. I still find I need the air con when I sleep... Hmm.

The other thought that came to mind is how I have a heart for missions n people overseas.. I find it so hard to be kind to my own family members and I think I need to make more effort in sharing my life with pre believers around me.

Food for thought, and no answers for now...

Grateful

I feel very grateful that whenever I am lost, my Papa comes to find me :)
Through people
Through His word
Through emails
Through divine interventions

He searches for me!

Heart bloated with love

I havent had the opportunity to blog abt penang since i came back cos was taking time to rest at night, plus the flurry of work meetings that ate into my evenings. .
Penang was great, i felt that i met with God in a new way..
It was a lot to do with the heart, and i felt impressed upon this verse, guard yr heart, bcos out of it flows the well springs of life. I certainly felt the flow of love into my heart, it was like milk honey.
Les, the speaker.. Said in one of his sessions that he sensed clogged arteries. It was like the wells that were covered and isaac needed to redig them. That was what someone told me in 2008 tat i had choked pipes. I figured out during prayer where the choking was, and went back to that past area of disappointment. It felt free releasing tat back to Daddy.
I begin to understand, how long how wide how deep his love is for me, and what Heidi baker said abt herself being a prisoner of love. Even as i received His flow of love. Felt that powerful anointing and force that made me fall backwards.
And Les prayed for my heart, and prayed for rest. I thot it will be a word of asking me to go forth for missions. But he said the word was rest. My dearest daughter, he said, i have been waiting for you, welcome home.. And after the prayer we talked, and he said it felt like i was an overly responsible person, and capable, tats why people gave me stuff to do. And it is indeed a transition time now in learning to rest... And really finding out the core (my heart) of who i am, what i am good at.. What excites me?

On my last night, the fatherly hug from Uncle J brought tears to my eyes. I was sad abt the farewell. And i started crying. It was bcos i felt the touch of unconditional love and kindness extended to me. It was undeserved. But so full of kindness. In that moment, Daddy God showed me He will love me anyway even if i stayed in GIC and didnt start working in GB.
I miss the folks there, many who have heard the heart of God for the nations, many fr YWAM. Many a thots of just waiting on Father, and letting Him lead wherever He wants us to go.
I pray He will fill me with more, and my heart may be bloated with His love.

The greatest mission field!

Just met Eugene, founder of Radion International (www.radion-international.org) for dinner. And as usual, very encouraged because Eugene is to me, one person who makes his faith real. People dying daily because they don't have enough to pay for their medical bills is real. And being there for them is real. Things in Singapore are unreal.
It is not exactly a needs based thing that calls us there. What we want is obedience. Joyful obedience to live the life that He calls us to.
Teared a bit even as i write this.

With the same eyes that sees profanity, i see God's loving creation. The same mouth that utters prayer, utters complaints. The same ears that listens to His replies, takes in filth. And i like the profanity, complaints and filth of this world. I like being comfortable. My flesh finds pleasure in many things.
I feel unworthy.. Yet i feel v worthy in Christ. The greatest battle field n mission field.. My heart.. I fear... Is still not totally won for Christ.

As much as i ask God for a life partner who loves God with all his heart, and who has a real r.s. with Him, i often wonder if I myself fulfil such a criteria. As much as i ask God for openings to missions, and His leading, i wonder if my heart is pure and clean and secure in Him to be overseas. I know the stresses are even greater there.

And yet i know, the more i look inwardly, the more i fail.
It is faith. Faith to believe, the faith to ask Him boldly for things, the faith to respond and obey. The faith to rest when things don't seem how they shd be. The faith to wait.. To grow, and to be moulded.

And looking back each step, it makes sense.. See His fingerprints in my life, and i can say amen! Now i understand! :)

My heart is back where it belongs...and there is no rest elsewhere

I went for the GoForth Conference on Fri and Sat, and I was very blessed..

There were quite a few paradigm shifts from the conference and I am thankful :)
I recalled again things about the marketplace ministry that excited me. And yes, I am praying hard about it. Especially impactful was Peter Tsukahira who said that it was not about vying for the top places in the mktplace, but it was seeing the needs of those at the bottom. It stirred something in me, and helped me to reconcile the disjoint between marketplace ministry/impactful businesses versus identifying with the weak and the poor. I recalled again my original intentions in University, in wanting to speak to businessmen abt God.

It has been a journey. It has not been a straight journey. Did I get derailed? Or did God already plan everything for me? I had to quit the high paying job and get into the ground to see God's goodness and faithfuless. It was a test of who my God is.

Feel like I failed the test of God over the past year. Being very tempted to compromise. In fact, I did compromise, because what He promised just didn't seem like it was coming. Again, He had to shield me and guard me, even though it was painful, like an operation that removed the splinter in my heart. Brought me back to the heart of God. His soothing love, His amazing grace that covered me when I was lost.

The greatest mission field, one of the speakers said, was the mission field of the heart. And Daddy says, it is gonna be painful, but I will surely not let you go.

Is that what I ultimately seek after? To be comfortable? And alternatively, is it to seek being uncomfortable? It is neither. It is the holding up of one's hands to the Lord, whether it is in the most comfortable of situations, or the most mundane ones, or the most stormy ones, to trust Him...

Robert Solomon said that obeying God in missions is like falling in LOVE... And we follow where God calls us to go. We obey Him because we are fearful? Or is it because we can trust in Him? Or is it because we just simply LOVE Him?

Thank you for bringing my heart back to You.

He was with me from the beginning

Today I took a cab from newton to church, and as I was at newton, I was reminded that I had gone for an interview with NEA last year for the ODP programme. I had applied for several jobs, including civil service ones, but it just seemed like the doors had closed. A still small voice asked me, so u think it is by coincidence that you are in SIF now? I just applied with the intention to try it out. And I smoothly got an interview and got the position and pay adjusted after I was offered the job.
Whether it was an accident is a question I have been toying with. And God answered me today.

There was intercessory worship today at church. What is intercessory worship? It is like praying for others while worshipping. I didn't realise that was what I had been doing all along in CHC when I led worship as a cgl. The closeness of God and the anointing at worship reminded me of ministry back then, both what I had received and what I had ministered. The silence and waiting on God was what I learnt thru other worship leaders whom I had experienced the deep presence of God. It is not a method, but it is an expectation, and a posture of waiting, of surrendering, of desiring, and of leading the people towards the holy of holies. It was ministering to people's deepest needs, as when waiting, the Holy Spirit often reveals the deepest needs of the worshippers. I love worship because it does not require eloquency. I can't do preaching, but I can sing and share a word as God has led. I recalled the moments God had spoken in those deep calling unto deep moments, whereby time froze, and I felt bare before His holiness, and embraced by His deep love. In focusing on Him, it was then leading the others into God's presence to experience that same intensity of Him.
Is it a norm to experience God deeply in worship? I think it should be. And I wish it would be.
It reminded me the gifting He had deposited in me, the word of knowledge for people. I recalled also hurting people whom I had shared a word for. I recalled going around the cg to lay hands and pray for those who had responded after the word. I recalled tears of joy, tears of sorrow that came from the touch from the Holy Spirit. Yes, it should be a norm. . .
And now how do I make that a norm? Or is it not me... Is it the work of God? And is it then me trusting Him to do it and expecting Him to move in the deepest manner?

It was a deep engagement with God today. And I brought up to Him many things on my heart. God just speaks and u know He has spoken when He surfaces issues u didn't know exist. I felt like I was starting on ground zero for various aspects of my church life n ministry due to various transitions. The silence is confusing, fearful. God showed me He is with me from the beginning.
Youths, young people, the broken hearted, the depressed... These were people He had laid on my heart years ago since I was in university. How would it pen out. . and what are the choices I shd make? My weariness comes from being discouraged starting from ground zero but I am not. He has been leading all along. . .

Tranquility

It has been long since I heard Pastor Ed preach. And as usual, his sermons always cause a stir in my heart. The words strike once, then they reverbate on the inside of my heart.
God exposes our inner compulsions. This has been a season whereby my inner compulsions seem to rear its ugliest head. I do not know why, but the desires in my heart seem to surface more this season. The temptations are greater, and i have fallen a few times. Could it be that He is showing me what is really upon my heart? I need to guard my heart.
I ask myself what are my inner convictions and what is the inner compass that directs me. That which use to convict me sways, especially this season. Sometimes i feel like i have lost my direction. Distracted somewhat from my original convictions. The journey is a tough one, and I am tired of fighting me on the inside.
It is God who establishes our inner composure. Pastor ed described tranquility as a picture of waves and wind coming, but beneath all the, few feet under the waters, it is calm. Waves and storms are bound to come, but it is the inner life, the inner convictions, compass that establishes us, so that we can remain steadfast.
The opposing pic, he said, is that of a duck floating on a still pond, but it is paddling fast below. That, he says, is not tranquility.
What is my idea of tranquility? Even as life bombards me with various trials and disappointments. I have been anxious, and losing my temper more. I have been task oriented. I don't like this me. Maybe, i look calm on the outside, but i'm paddling furiously beneath.
There's an alternative way. It is a God centred life. It is a God captivated life. It is entering into the life that God invites us to. A life of joy, peace and hope. He invites because He cares. He welcomes with open arms, because we are His children. He loves us.
I rest me in this thought. I rest my fears in this thought. Amen.

The Gospel...

I visited CHC again after a long time. And this time, I felt differently..

Before I left, I felt that the dressing up - makeup and trendy clothes, created peer pressure for those who come to the church to dress up.
This time I felt that the church is contemporary and welcomes people who are from different backgrounds (e.g. trendy looking youths, artists, designers etc), probably it makes them feel at home, a place which they can step in.

The drama was fantastic as usual. A great setup, and touching plot.
The sermon was as usual, a three point simple one. It talked about God redeeming/blessing our finances, healing our bodies, and healing us of our shame. It brought much hope, and a part of me had this struggle within me..
The simple message surely gives much hope to the people who come with sickness, emotional issues or bad debt. God is the God of hope... And may be, sometimes, declaring such hopefulness to them, really helps to give them hope for their situation? Afterall, our God is able... So instead of adding qualifiers, e.g. "if", "but", "maybe", such bold declarations are relevant to people's situations.
And instead of something so "chim", people from all walks of life who are going thru difficult situations are able to understand the message of hope..

But another part of me wonders.. if that is missing out on the best part of the gospel?
The gospel which centrals around Jesus's redemption for us, and how we can come to God. Like the Samaritan woman at the well who...well...got to know Jesus and His rivers of living water.

2010 has been a year of going back to the basic foundations of salvation and redemption.
And really understanding grace....
Understanding a r/s with God.. the Father heart of God..
The love that He pours out into our hearts...

Wrote in my journal some time ago.. The Father surely welcomes and loves His children, to bless them... But the Father's purpose is for that deeper relationship with His children.

A faith tested

C.S. Lewis says, "You never know how much you believe in the strength of the rope until you’re hanging by it over a cliff.”
It is faith...
Faith need not be exercised if seasons are not trying. Right?
The devil comes not in dark, ugly costumes, but he comes in shiny, pretty looking lollipops.
Its a season whereby all my belief in God is being tested. It is a scary, dark season.
Please please please pray for me.

A season of growth

Because of my struggle with something I really wanted for the past few months, but I think it was not something God wanted for me, I realise that I don't really desire God. What I mean is, I desire a lot of things other than God. I don't fully recognize how deeply He loves me. If not, choosing Him over that other thing would have been easy? Yet even now, remnants of the desire to want that thing still remains.

But the really lovely thing is this, that in spite of my desires, He is very patient with me. He doesn't want me to have it, because He loves me. And I believe He cries with me, when I grieve.

Perhaps, it has helped to free me from the shoulds and should nots. In being real with God about my heart's desires. And during this journey, I shed many tears, because I realised the desires were linked to so many deep seated wounds. And then, I realised that my christianity was a farce. It is linked to so many things I felt I should or should not do, and that God would not love me if I didn't do so and so things.

I had a breakthrough today. I was feeling bad because of some comments people had said. Then I realised I was upset because I had taken in these comments as the truth. Whereas my value in Him was worth much more than that, and that it was okay for me to disagree with what was being said, and to forgive whoever had caused the offense. It helped so much in me being able to relate to the person involved with authenticity.

Its a season of growth and God is surfacing many things. But He also is real. And He is my everything, the one I talk to first in the face of any crisis. I hope He would always be.

Heart Pain

Most recently, I did something that my christian friends/mentors adviced me against doing. And now I'm reaping the effects of whatever I did. :( I feel so bad, but if I were to choose again, I think I may do it all over again.
I made myself vulnerable, perhaps because I always felt that loving is being vulnerable, and there's no way to just love people halfway. But loving is painful, and it hurts when it is not reciprocrated.
Nevertheless.... In the midst of this, I understood one thing, grace is not about my performance. I feel unworthy to serve, to mentor or lead others. And I ask myself what I think grace is? It is unearned, unmerited and even though I didn't meet religious expectations, I am righteous before Father God because of Jesus.
O dear Lord, pls be gracious to me and see me through this difficult time. :(

Jesus.. feeling the pain of rejection even as He loved...
Father.. the prodigal Father with outstretched arms waiting for the prodigal son's return.

Can one love unconditionally without expectation?

My Heart's Desire

I am learning so much these days about God's grace and righteousness in Him.
I guess ever since becoming a Christian, I have been trying very hard to please God. Like reading the bible, serving, praying. And following all the disciplines. Before I became a christian, I was a "good" girl who was studious, nice etc. So I never really understood the concept of sin.
And now as I stand at the crossroads of decision making... and as my heart's desires surface... I come to realise grace which is unearned. Nothing I can do to make Him love me more. If I don't hide but surface the things that are on my heart, He would still love me. Obedience from the mind is something I can do but it would be with an unwilling heart. I can change my actions, but I can't change my heart and what He really wants is my heart. Even when I don't speak it out, He knows my heart. In "Prayer" Philip Yancey says that we often come to God with nice & politically correct prayers, but God hears the unspoken prayer in our heart.

Letting go of stuffs reveals to me the fears that are in my heart. Clinging on to things gives me that sense of security but once i let that go, I deal with the scary deep dark hole that is on the inside. And He wants to heal.

And knowing God as a Happy Father helps. Think my mind is really too intensed sometimes in thinking about things. But He just enjoys our company. He quiets us with His love..like singing a lovely lullaby. He loves us when we are unlovely. We don't have to hide the dark condition on our inside. Cos He knows, He sees, and yet He loves.
And only when we know He knows, sees and loves, that we can give our hearts to Him....
I am still trying to understand how deep how wide is His love for me.

Grace found me @ Penang

The one week in Penang has given my Christian life a totally new paradigm shift and breakthough in terms of my view of God.
Even though I know that God is kind and loving, I could never really receive it in my heart, and often felt bad when I did something wrong, or felt not good enough for Him.
The journey began when I signed up for the 2 day workshop in Singapore by Father Heart Ministries Asia. I was blessed as the speaker shared from the parables of the Prodigal son, as well as of the unforgiving Servant.

These are the two truths that were spoken:

1. The Father was waiting for the return of his son, even though the son had wanted his inheritance earlier, i.e. implication was telling his father that he wants him to die, and then went on a lifestyle of decadent living. He ended up having to work with pigs (which is unclean to the jews), and probably smelt of pigs when he came back. But the Father ran towards him and embraced him, and kissed him, and clothed him with a robe. How extravagant the Father's love is. This is Homecoming.

2. The master forgave the servant of a debt of 10,000 talents, which is equivalent to 60 million days of wages. A debt that could never have been repaid by the servant was forgiven! In the same way, Father God wipes out all our debts /sins before Him. We could never ever work our way through to our own salvation.

John 14 is pivoltal in my understanding of the Father. In it, Jesus says "I will not leave you as orphans", and He has prepared a room with many mansions, and He says, "Where I am, there you may be also". He uses "I am", which is present tensed, representing His current state of rest, that He is already now, at home and at rest with His Father, resting in His arms. John 1:18 says that Jesus is at the Father's side, or bosom (depending on your version), and this is the place that Father wants to bring us to.

And so the Father lovingly pursues us. And when the Fatherly Facilitator J invited me to go to Penang, I felt that it was a personal invitation from God. :D

We often pray and invite God to come into our meetings, the truth is, He is already present. It is just that our hearts do not have the capacity to receive Him.

Redemption, means that there was a previous ownership. We were created by God, even before we existed in our mother's wombs, God had us in mind. In His mind, we would be in that perfect place of Eden with no sorrows, or iniquities. God personally breathed His breathe into Adam. It is that level of initmacy that He desires for us. To know Him as our Creator. In us, is His very own breathe.

Did you know about the Mother Heart of God? God has feminine qualities in Him. Verses of how as a hen gather her chicks, as a mother would not forget her nursing child etc. That tenderness of God. It is in our mother's arms whereby we feel safe, where we feel trust.

I had to release forgiveness, and I wept all the pain and sorrow that was so deep. All the lies I bought into for all the years of my existance that I was not good enough. As I cried in the embrace of the ministers, I felt the Love of God in a most tangible way, through the love that these ones expressed. And yes, the words of truth & knowledge that were spoken went straight to the heart.

In one particular session, I just could not engage, but the lady who prayed for me said that this was a safe place, and I am not abandoned. The moment she said that, the floodgates opened. I cried all my fears of being myself, of feeling abandoned by God and by others. And I received that truth into my heart, that I was at a safe place of rest. Safe to be myself. I'm home, Daddy.

I saw visions. Of myself in a green grass field, worshipping God. It was that abundant freedom and joy in the green fields. Where I was with God. Me and God. Singing. We were created for freedom, and that freedom on the inside of my heart gushed out in Joy. :) On the last day I was scared that I would go back to my state of despair in Singapore. But He said that He had already burned His truth in my heart, and I know it. I felt waves and waves of His love flowing in me.

I'm greatly indebted to Uncle J and Aunty V who we stayed with, together with M and S. It was like a family. And on one divine night, Uncle Julian shared abt his experiences as a young adult, and I had a moment with him to share what I had been struggling with for long. And he prayed for me, did not judge me, but prayed for restoration. It amazes me how much God loves me to want me to be free from every area of struggle.

And yes the hugs made all the difference, I felt God's affection and love flowing through me, in particular the hug I received on the last day. The person praying for me told me that God was just pouring out His affection on me.

Beautiful, has been corrupted by the enemy, as we think beauty is of a certain image. But if you look into the eyes of each person, you see beauty. You see the fingerprint of God, and how can anything created in God's image not be beautiful?

I am immensely thankful. :)

Rest in the Father's Love. <3 The Father is ever pursuing us. And He would not leave as as orphans. So open up your heart to receive His love!

Grace

Fresh from Penang:
Maybe for the first time, i understood grace and mercy as i waved goodbye to Uncle Julian and Aunty Vim. We were not related, we just got to know each other. But yet we received such love and care from them. The hugs we received first thing in the morning, and the last thing at night before we slept. It was like grace was present in the flesh. Something we did not earn or deserve, but we received in abundance. And mercy, yes all those times we should have received a harsh word for our mistakes, but we did not receive. It was true grace and mercy. I teared as i thought of the extravagent love of the Father. I didn't find Him. He found me and was ever seeking me out. It was only that my heart did not have the capacity then to receive it. But now it knows, and it opens wide to receive waves and waves of His goodness and love. I feel like a girl giddily in love with a boy who pursued her extravagently. I feel like a silly girl running into papa's arms to rest. Was this not afterall, all that i was seeking all along?
Yes this is a safe place to rest. And Jesus has prepared many mansions in His house. Home is a safe place where we can be ourselves, be crazy, be silly, afford to fail and know that we would still be loved.

Beautiful Rag Doll

I went for a seminar last week on the Father's Heart, and I was very blessed as it was an intimate time with God, and also very ministering, as many of my childhood hurts were surfaced. In particular, Zeph 3:17 was quoted to me 3 times. I felt very affirmed.

"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing"

I think it is a whole process of healing, and right after the seminar, more issues seemed to surface through different circumstances. I'm thankful though, that His love is my anchor.

The speaker spoke of the Father who was waiting for his son to come home, and hugged him and kissed him even though the son had earlier wished he was dead so he cld get his inheritance, and furthermore he was smelly cos he hung out with pigs. And another parable abt how the master forgave the servant who owed him 10,000 talents, equivalent to 60 million days of wages, which could never ever be repaid.

A fatherly facilitator came to talk to me, and I seemed to have found special favour in his eyes. :D He invited me for the Father's heart A school conference at Penang next week and offered to let me stay in the apartment with him and his wife. And today I just bought my airtickets! Im flying on the 6th and back on 13th June. Its seriously a time out with God. I am really looking forward to find Him.

God, help me....
Leaning on the Father's embrace.

My Heart

Today during YWAM training for the Officers, these verses struck me, the Holy Spirit spoke deeply to my heart (there are those ocassions when He does show v clearly abt certain verses).

"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Ps 51

In thinking abt my future, I wonder if staying in humanitarian/community development work is better because it is a greater sacrifice. But it struck me deeply, God is not concerned with my sacrifice, He is concerned with the condition of my heart. An obedient heart. A broken heart.

I know that it would be more noble for me to continue on here. I know that I would sacrifice more of my pay. I know that my work would be meaningful.

But...O..where is my heart...God is concerned with my walk with Him, more so than my sacrifice. I struggle.

I pray that my heart would align with His, my desires would be according to His will. Pls guide me Lord.

It is Yours

My contract with the organization finishes in end April, and wow...2 years have passed. I have told them that I would not be continuing after that, and I'm not sure that feeling has completely sunk in. Though after I sent that email to my boss, I felt like something died...that I had to let go of something.
I haven't found another job yet, but am thinking of going back to the corporate. After I made this decision, yesterday I spoke to one of the EXCO members who asked me to consider staying. I said that I have decided but I am open to how God will lead me. :D

Why change? I think that being in the corporate helps me to gain certain professional skills that are necessary for tent making and missions overseas. I still love missions and community development, and being on the ground. But I am currently emotionally and spiritually not ready to be based on the ground now (i.e. being based overseas with the people). Being a volunteer also means more liberty and leeway to travel, since I am paying for my own expense.

Having said that, the one thing on the base line I've been trying to do is to let go. Let go...bcos ministry is a heavy responsibility which I feel weighed down by. I need to let go of the ministry back to God. The ministry is His...He would not allow the ministry to collapse because all the work is He's. All the women, children etc. are His.

Funny thing that ever since starting in the Non profit sector, my standard of living and lifestyle has not changed and in fact I am spending more money these days. On haircutting packages, gym, pedicure, facial pdts etc. Whatever happened to that thought that each cent I spend could have helped a child who has no food or education? I don't know...just feel that I cannot make lifestyle choices based on guilt.

And if there's no division between secular and sacred (i.e. marketplace work is just as important as full time), in the same way, full time work also has its mundane admin tasks that are nowhere special or spiritual in a sense. So...
Maybe I don't feel the need for angst anymore of why-am-i-in-a-comfortable-aircon-room-while-the-world is dying. Cos a lot of things are not dependent on what we can do, but on prayer. And it is about that "being" and not about that "doing", in which I live my life as a worship unto God.

Do I still love missions? Yes I do... Still that tugging of the heart seeing photos, being on the ground with the people. Have I become more cynical? I hope not. But I have become more wise...I hope...in realising that a lot of things have its pros and cons, and our best intentions to help people are coupled with its own sets of implications and impact on people on the ground. Am I better off being on the ground then? Even then...any work that is established by mere human effort will not be strong. Whatever it is..the Word seems to be obedience and trust. Is it difficult to let go? Yes it is...

I will be back...whatever and whenever that means..
I am giving God a blank cheque for this season to write in the way He wants... Remembering that He is a God who is kind & sovereign. If it is all God's, what is there about to be angsty? ;)

The song that made me tear, and expresses what I wanted to say.

Yours - Steven Curtis Chapman
I walk the streets of London
And notice in the faces passing by
Something that makes me stop and listen
My heart grows heavy with the cry
Where is the hope for London?
You whisper and my heart begins to soar
As I'm reminded
That every street in London in Yours
Oh, yes it is

I walk the dirt roads of Uganda
I see the scars that war has left behind
Hope like the sun is fading
They're waiting for a cure no one can find
And I hear children's voices singing
Of a God who heals and rescues and restores
And I'm reminded
That every child in Africa is Yours

And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper,
Father and Ruler of everything

And I walk the sidewalks of Nashville
Like Singapore, Manila and Shanghai
I rush by the beggar's hand and the wealthy man
And everywhere I look I realize
That just like the streets of London
For every man and woman, boy and girl
All of creation
This is our Father's world

And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper,
It's all Yours, God
It's all Yours, God

I’ve walked the valley of death’s shadow
So deep and dark that I could barely breathe
I’ve had to let go of more than I could bear
And questioned everything that I believe
But still even here in this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you
And we are Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor

And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
All the greatness and power,
the glory and splendor and majesty
Everything is Yours
Yeah, it's all Yours
We are Yours
The glory and honor is Yours, everything is Yours

Dying to myself

While I was at Padang during one of our devotion times, I had this impression about John the Baptist saying that He who is coming is greater than him (John). And amazingly, as A shared devotions, he referred to John the Baptist, and the promise of Jesus and the Holy Spirit!
When I got back to Singapore, Shir sent me an email about how all that we do is for God's glory and not our own. Like John the Baptist who knew that he was here on earth for a purpose - to prepare the way for Jesus.
When a message is being repeated 3 times, U got to start paying attention to it. I've been thinking about it, and today I understood its meaning!

I had a talk with my boss today, and she affirmed me. She said that she sees me dying to myself, and embracing the vision of another. I was very encouraged when I heard that because I felt that this whole 1 year and 8 months at GB has been a journey of learning servant leadership.

Learning to die to my own ambitions, to embrace God's calling, and to do everything for His glory.
And... in exchange receiving the resurrected life of Jesus.

After a series of almost going and not going to Cambodia, I may be finally really going to Cambodia in late Feb! :) Prayed and told God I'm not going to be the one making the trip happen anymore. If it is Your will, pls open the doors and let people be asking me to go.

P/S Today is exactly 2 years after my parents said yes to my job switch.

Dreaming of authentic christianity...

Last week I was supposed to go to Cambodia on Thurs, but a sudden turn in events meant I wasn't going. And I could serve in the Banquet of Honour.

The Banquet of Honour is a series of lunches and dinners for the migrant workers- domestic helpers & blue collared workers- to thank them for their service in Singapore, for taking up jobs that are much needed in Singapore. And the bible also teaches us as christians, we are to love the foreigners in our land.
So this took place from Wednesday to Sunday at four different locations.

And because I wasn't going to Cambodia, I could serve on Friday and Sunday night, I know that God must have His agenda for me here.

Friday was amazing, bcos Andrew and I went to Little India before the dinner to look for Bangladeshi people to invite to the dinner. I had 10 tickets, but only 3 filled, so we wanted to find people to come. It reminded me of the Wedding in the bible whereby the Master sent out His servants to bring in the poor to attend the wedding. And the streets were filled with Indians, but amazingly, we found 3 bangladeshis and we invited them to come. Its always been my dream to walk the streets and invite the migrants to come for dinner, so it was so surreal. I'm not sure if they went though, cos I didn't see them at the table, hopefully they came and allocated to other tables?

Anyway at dinner, we were allocated to a table of young men. And one of them was particularly enthusiastic, kept dancing to the music. The Bangladeshis are a very spontaneous and talented bunch. They danced really well, like we were in some Bollywood show(looked like indian dance), and we became the minority amongst them. It was like I was transported to Bangladesh. I think I don't even need to go Bangladesh already- it was that kind of feeling. So we served them chicken, rice, drinks and all, it was really fun scooping rice for them etc. =) It was good seeing them relax and really enjoy themselves.

Since Friday night, whenever I see foreign workers, I feel a total change in mindset. Its no longer like I am one level up or that they are just a grp of foreign workers. They are individuals...people with a culture, with talents who are in our midst.

Sunday night I served with Jon and Shirley for the burmese tables. Our table only had 4 people and it was buffet style, so it was so much slacker. But it was nice chatting with them and serving together. And the burmese are so different from the Bangladeshis, more quiet. It was interesting to see the different cultures.

What was really nice was driving to Little India again later to visit HOME - shirley's spontaneous suggestion, and then to Changi Village, sitting in some hut next to the waves and talking about our plans for International students. Talking past mid night about authentic christianity...heh...God allow us to indulge in sharing and talking and dreaming...

Thankful for the little recharging in the midst of my valley....

What's my intention (2)

I've been writing proposals and trying to push for exploratory trips overseas. Partners have approached us, some since a long time ago, and we have not yet gone! Most of them want us to run our programme there, or leadership training, or community development. And I really hope that the projects can fly too.
Yesterday as I stopped and reflected, a very sharp thought came to my mind.

Xiaojia, Why are you so keen to go?

I've been feeling frustrated cos I haven't been traveling since June for work, and July for visit to Philippines to see my kid. I yearn again to see the people in the villages, those familiar faces, or new faces, to see the ground.
To revive my tired heart again to feel.
To find God amongst the poor.

My intentions are perhaps less than altruistic. If by going, I would bring more inconvenience to people. If after the initial exploratory trip, and we are not able to follow up on the projects after that- am I then willing to say - Lord, I am willing to stay here, to handle all the administration. I am willing to surrender my pride, to do the unglam work and to wait.

Am I willing?

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Re-reading Heidi Baker's Book - Always Enough..
Why did I tear when I heard her sharing her testimony live? Why did I tear when I read the book?
I teared not because of how strong or courageous or sacrificial she was. She is.
But I teared because of the faithful God who is always enough. The compassionate God who loves men and women and children that He would go to the dumps, the slums, the villages, places where there is no hope. To seek what was lost.
When I read of testimonies of God multiplying food for example...God provided miraculously.
It reminded me that Heidi is able to do this great work, not because the burden was upon herself to accomplish the work. She is able to do the work because she has caught a glimpse of the Father's Heart.
Surely we will burn out if we depend on ourselves. But we will soar and be joyful, when we serve our El-Shaddai. The God who is always enough.
Do I really know my God?