Disconnect

I'm getting married next year Jan, so with marriage comes a lot of decisions to be made, in particular on our lifestyle and the house we would be staying in. We are going to rent for two years whilst waiting for our BTO to be ready.

I come from a upper middle class family, and earn a decent pay. My current room has an adjourning toilet. In the toilet, I have 3 to 4 shower gels at one time,i.e., normal one, a scrub and a more luscious one. I have 2 shampoos at one time as I think there will be some build up in your hair to use the same shampoo in long term.. And the list goes on. I am scared of lizards and cockroaches.. Today I accidentally stepped on a baby lizard, and I didn't dare to even pick up it's corpse to throw it away.

Depending on your background u would say my lifestyle is comfortable, very comfortable etc. That's not the point I am making..to compare with different standards..

I feel a disconnect between what I share and how I live.. Since 2006 knowing about how much God cares for the poor, I have put in my mind ( or heart?) live simply so that others can simply live. I know how I live now is not simple. My role models are people like Jim Eliot who went to stay in the jungles to share Christ, Heidi Baker who went to HK and purposefully stayed in the slums so she could reach out, and then to Mozambique - poorest nation in the world.

I know the common reply is that everyone has different callings.. The other is that God loves His children, and blesses you with abundance.

Are these good reasons? are we justifying ourselves when we say that Jesus's call to disciples to not bring anything with them when they follow Him Is just a matter of focus? Or does going all out for Jesus call us to surrender all?

These questions surface in me, I feel a disconnect between how I think the ideal lifestyle should be vs how I am living.. Yet being balanced with the knowledge that I am God's daughter. I still find I need the air con when I sleep... Hmm.

The other thought that came to mind is how I have a heart for missions n people overseas.. I find it so hard to be kind to my own family members and I think I need to make more effort in sharing my life with pre believers around me.

Food for thought, and no answers for now...

Grateful

I feel very grateful that whenever I am lost, my Papa comes to find me :)
Through people
Through His word
Through emails
Through divine interventions

He searches for me!

Heart bloated with love

I havent had the opportunity to blog abt penang since i came back cos was taking time to rest at night, plus the flurry of work meetings that ate into my evenings. .
Penang was great, i felt that i met with God in a new way..
It was a lot to do with the heart, and i felt impressed upon this verse, guard yr heart, bcos out of it flows the well springs of life. I certainly felt the flow of love into my heart, it was like milk honey.
Les, the speaker.. Said in one of his sessions that he sensed clogged arteries. It was like the wells that were covered and isaac needed to redig them. That was what someone told me in 2008 tat i had choked pipes. I figured out during prayer where the choking was, and went back to that past area of disappointment. It felt free releasing tat back to Daddy.
I begin to understand, how long how wide how deep his love is for me, and what Heidi baker said abt herself being a prisoner of love. Even as i received His flow of love. Felt that powerful anointing and force that made me fall backwards.
And Les prayed for my heart, and prayed for rest. I thot it will be a word of asking me to go forth for missions. But he said the word was rest. My dearest daughter, he said, i have been waiting for you, welcome home.. And after the prayer we talked, and he said it felt like i was an overly responsible person, and capable, tats why people gave me stuff to do. And it is indeed a transition time now in learning to rest... And really finding out the core (my heart) of who i am, what i am good at.. What excites me?

On my last night, the fatherly hug from Uncle J brought tears to my eyes. I was sad abt the farewell. And i started crying. It was bcos i felt the touch of unconditional love and kindness extended to me. It was undeserved. But so full of kindness. In that moment, Daddy God showed me He will love me anyway even if i stayed in GIC and didnt start working in GB.
I miss the folks there, many who have heard the heart of God for the nations, many fr YWAM. Many a thots of just waiting on Father, and letting Him lead wherever He wants us to go.
I pray He will fill me with more, and my heart may be bloated with His love.

The greatest mission field!

Just met Eugene, founder of Radion International (www.radion-international.org) for dinner. And as usual, very encouraged because Eugene is to me, one person who makes his faith real. People dying daily because they don't have enough to pay for their medical bills is real. And being there for them is real. Things in Singapore are unreal.
It is not exactly a needs based thing that calls us there. What we want is obedience. Joyful obedience to live the life that He calls us to.
Teared a bit even as i write this.

With the same eyes that sees profanity, i see God's loving creation. The same mouth that utters prayer, utters complaints. The same ears that listens to His replies, takes in filth. And i like the profanity, complaints and filth of this world. I like being comfortable. My flesh finds pleasure in many things.
I feel unworthy.. Yet i feel v worthy in Christ. The greatest battle field n mission field.. My heart.. I fear... Is still not totally won for Christ.

As much as i ask God for a life partner who loves God with all his heart, and who has a real r.s. with Him, i often wonder if I myself fulfil such a criteria. As much as i ask God for openings to missions, and His leading, i wonder if my heart is pure and clean and secure in Him to be overseas. I know the stresses are even greater there.

And yet i know, the more i look inwardly, the more i fail.
It is faith. Faith to believe, the faith to ask Him boldly for things, the faith to respond and obey. The faith to rest when things don't seem how they shd be. The faith to wait.. To grow, and to be moulded.

And looking back each step, it makes sense.. See His fingerprints in my life, and i can say amen! Now i understand! :)

My heart is back where it belongs...and there is no rest elsewhere

I went for the GoForth Conference on Fri and Sat, and I was very blessed..

There were quite a few paradigm shifts from the conference and I am thankful :)
I recalled again things about the marketplace ministry that excited me. And yes, I am praying hard about it. Especially impactful was Peter Tsukahira who said that it was not about vying for the top places in the mktplace, but it was seeing the needs of those at the bottom. It stirred something in me, and helped me to reconcile the disjoint between marketplace ministry/impactful businesses versus identifying with the weak and the poor. I recalled again my original intentions in University, in wanting to speak to businessmen abt God.

It has been a journey. It has not been a straight journey. Did I get derailed? Or did God already plan everything for me? I had to quit the high paying job and get into the ground to see God's goodness and faithfuless. It was a test of who my God is.

Feel like I failed the test of God over the past year. Being very tempted to compromise. In fact, I did compromise, because what He promised just didn't seem like it was coming. Again, He had to shield me and guard me, even though it was painful, like an operation that removed the splinter in my heart. Brought me back to the heart of God. His soothing love, His amazing grace that covered me when I was lost.

The greatest mission field, one of the speakers said, was the mission field of the heart. And Daddy says, it is gonna be painful, but I will surely not let you go.

Is that what I ultimately seek after? To be comfortable? And alternatively, is it to seek being uncomfortable? It is neither. It is the holding up of one's hands to the Lord, whether it is in the most comfortable of situations, or the most mundane ones, or the most stormy ones, to trust Him...

Robert Solomon said that obeying God in missions is like falling in LOVE... And we follow where God calls us to go. We obey Him because we are fearful? Or is it because we can trust in Him? Or is it because we just simply LOVE Him?

Thank you for bringing my heart back to You.

He was with me from the beginning

Today I took a cab from newton to church, and as I was at newton, I was reminded that I had gone for an interview with NEA last year for the ODP programme. I had applied for several jobs, including civil service ones, but it just seemed like the doors had closed. A still small voice asked me, so u think it is by coincidence that you are in SIF now? I just applied with the intention to try it out. And I smoothly got an interview and got the position and pay adjusted after I was offered the job.
Whether it was an accident is a question I have been toying with. And God answered me today.

There was intercessory worship today at church. What is intercessory worship? It is like praying for others while worshipping. I didn't realise that was what I had been doing all along in CHC when I led worship as a cgl. The closeness of God and the anointing at worship reminded me of ministry back then, both what I had received and what I had ministered. The silence and waiting on God was what I learnt thru other worship leaders whom I had experienced the deep presence of God. It is not a method, but it is an expectation, and a posture of waiting, of surrendering, of desiring, and of leading the people towards the holy of holies. It was ministering to people's deepest needs, as when waiting, the Holy Spirit often reveals the deepest needs of the worshippers. I love worship because it does not require eloquency. I can't do preaching, but I can sing and share a word as God has led. I recalled the moments God had spoken in those deep calling unto deep moments, whereby time froze, and I felt bare before His holiness, and embraced by His deep love. In focusing on Him, it was then leading the others into God's presence to experience that same intensity of Him.
Is it a norm to experience God deeply in worship? I think it should be. And I wish it would be.
It reminded me the gifting He had deposited in me, the word of knowledge for people. I recalled also hurting people whom I had shared a word for. I recalled going around the cg to lay hands and pray for those who had responded after the word. I recalled tears of joy, tears of sorrow that came from the touch from the Holy Spirit. Yes, it should be a norm. . .
And now how do I make that a norm? Or is it not me... Is it the work of God? And is it then me trusting Him to do it and expecting Him to move in the deepest manner?

It was a deep engagement with God today. And I brought up to Him many things on my heart. God just speaks and u know He has spoken when He surfaces issues u didn't know exist. I felt like I was starting on ground zero for various aspects of my church life n ministry due to various transitions. The silence is confusing, fearful. God showed me He is with me from the beginning.
Youths, young people, the broken hearted, the depressed... These were people He had laid on my heart years ago since I was in university. How would it pen out. . and what are the choices I shd make? My weariness comes from being discouraged starting from ground zero but I am not. He has been leading all along. . .

Tranquility

It has been long since I heard Pastor Ed preach. And as usual, his sermons always cause a stir in my heart. The words strike once, then they reverbate on the inside of my heart.
God exposes our inner compulsions. This has been a season whereby my inner compulsions seem to rear its ugliest head. I do not know why, but the desires in my heart seem to surface more this season. The temptations are greater, and i have fallen a few times. Could it be that He is showing me what is really upon my heart? I need to guard my heart.
I ask myself what are my inner convictions and what is the inner compass that directs me. That which use to convict me sways, especially this season. Sometimes i feel like i have lost my direction. Distracted somewhat from my original convictions. The journey is a tough one, and I am tired of fighting me on the inside.
It is God who establishes our inner composure. Pastor ed described tranquility as a picture of waves and wind coming, but beneath all the, few feet under the waters, it is calm. Waves and storms are bound to come, but it is the inner life, the inner convictions, compass that establishes us, so that we can remain steadfast.
The opposing pic, he said, is that of a duck floating on a still pond, but it is paddling fast below. That, he says, is not tranquility.
What is my idea of tranquility? Even as life bombards me with various trials and disappointments. I have been anxious, and losing my temper more. I have been task oriented. I don't like this me. Maybe, i look calm on the outside, but i'm paddling furiously beneath.
There's an alternative way. It is a God centred life. It is a God captivated life. It is entering into the life that God invites us to. A life of joy, peace and hope. He invites because He cares. He welcomes with open arms, because we are His children. He loves us.
I rest me in this thought. I rest my fears in this thought. Amen.