All yearnings lead us back to God

I am kind of happy cos I reached a mini plateau of sorts. :DEverything that happened in the past kind of now make sense. How the people I met, the experiences I had- all link up together.All the yearnings and longings I had. All the people I met in different seasons of my life. Thank God for bringing them into my life. And even if some episodes were painful, I understand now what I was really looking for.I was looking for God. All the longings point back to the yearning for God. His gentleness, His mercy, His love, His kindness, His understanding. =)

I was reading this book - Love Beyond Reason. It highlighted this verse in Romans:"For creation was subjected to futility, not of its own will but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to decay and will obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God"

John Ortberg said: "God knew that after the Fall we would try to set up other gods, try to give our lives to the pursuit of pleasure or wealth or power or status. So he said that one of the results of the Fall would be that none of these things would be able to bring us 'soul satisfaction'."
Actually...all my yearnings lead me to God.

I had an amazing experience yesterday. The night before I was praying and God showed me what was in my heart. The next day, Shir smsed me and asked me what I really wanted.

Told her I just want to love Jesus.

I teared cos I knew God remembered me. And I am the bride of Christ.

This is really a season of loving the Lord my God with all my heart, soul and mind =)

How to Love the unLoved

Something else clicked after a chat with a friend on thursday- the reason we have a heart for the poor, may not necessarily be a calling. But the poor and oppressed help us know the heart of God.

That which touches my heart is not- how this person has such a heart and burden for the poor. I admire that. But I am moved to tears when I see people sacrificially ministering His love because I see God through them. Only God would stir these hearts to love in such a manner and it is His mighty hand and sovereign plan, but yet we partner with Him to implement change. I capture the love of God when a person would love despite being rejected. That one would sit at the streets and be with the poor because God Himself is sitting at the streets with them daily, reaching out His hand to them. A person would risk his life for the gospel to preach in unreached places, learn unknown languages, because of the love He inspired in the heart. God first laid down His life for His sheep. He did it first, for everyone.

It is not humanely possible to identify with people, and not put them down at a lower level. In order to move from sympathy to pure genuine love, is when we are captivated by the heart of God. Then we love out of love that overflows from the Master.

What happened was not that He suddenly gave me a heart for the poor. What happened was I caught His heart for the poor.

It is the same for loving people who are different from us, loving different races, loving our neighbours. We love because He first loved.

Held by His grace

Last thursday we had devotions at work, and I it was my turn to lead it. I didn't know what to share about, but remembered Pastor Edmund's msg on New Year's day at the City Solemn assembly about victory, and standing in God given land, not living in defeat. And what God had spoken personally to me, about sin and how it hindered us from intimacy with Him.

I closed in prayer, and suddenly felt led to pray for my colleague who was going for an op. After that during lunch, she told me she had wanted to ask for prayers abt the op, but didn't. And she was so touched that I prayed for her that she cried! And she and some other colleagues said the devotion was good.

Thank God for such a divine appointment, though not a big matter, it has certainly helped to open doors and pave the way for more unity and love between us in the office. I am thankful.

Thankful for my friendship esp with Mun in the office, as I find that there is a breakthrough, i.e. I can be myself and laugh heartily and sometimes be the silly girl that I really am on the inside.
Thankful that on Tues, I had dinner with him, 2 other ex colleagues, and Jo who is based in Cambodia for 2 years and back for a break. Oh surely God has granted me favour with these and helped me thru my difficult time. It is as what He had spoken to me in Kalimantan-
2 Corinthians1:8
"8 For we do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, of our trouble which came to us in Asia: that we were burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life. 9 Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead, 10 who delivered us from so great a death, and does* deliver us; in whom we trust that He will still deliver us..."

I am so humbled in the past 8 months, and continue to be so humbled, bcos I feel so totally inadequate, and it is only God who has delivered me. Yet I feel that I am walking in His will. And at other times, He seems so silent, but I see such grace and open doors with people and situations that I know it is He who has delivered.

I could identify with Loren Cunningham in his book that I'm reading now, so kindly given by Ed, Is that really you God? He said this "God was giving us a chance to give greater honor to Him by letting our dream die so that He could resurrect it". In choosing betw God, and the ship (= the dream and vision that God had given him), he chose God. He chose to let the dream die.
I've not reached the part whereby the dream is resurrected yet. But therein lies an impt principle- that God is more concerned with our intimacy and our walk with Him, than with the success of our ministries. I rather choose God than the ministry.
In the months that follow, God seemed silent to Loren.
In the months that follow my rejection of the World Vision job, God seemed silent, and it was painful, when I had clearly heard of His call through His word and affirmation from others.
In the months that follow my starting work at GB, though it was very clearly a door opened by God, God seemed silent.
But yet in all these, I know...He is drawing me near to Him, bcos He is more concerned about setting me free, for me to be His daughter than He is with the ministry.
So yes, I see Grace. And I am upheld by His grace, and His mighty hand is upon me every step.

Thank you Lord.

Welcome 2009

Went for the Solemn Assembly today to pray for the city on the 1/1/09. God's work spoke to me. Pastor Ed reminded us "victory is mine, when the battle is the Lord's", so we are to Make a decisive stand on God given ground for a God given victory.

In order to prevent presumptuousness, we tend to swing to the other extreme, thinking that we are to live in survival mode. But wow, God has already won the battle, and He has given us ground. This was really the crux for me, I think there was some sort of a break through.

I had to repent of my small mindedness in God. Repent of being so distracted by so many things. My heart is so unrested. Yesterday at my first watchnight service with the RAYS, I prayed to God, but still felt unrested. It was only today, whereby He showed me this whole verse. It answered my ques on where's that sense of JOY.


Psalm 51
For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts [a] ;
you teach [b] me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are [c] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Some say because Jesus has bore our sins past present and future on the cross, we do not need to seek repentance. But I think we repent before God not because Jesus's work is not complete. Rather, there remains a chasm between God and ourselves, when there is sin, that affects the intimacy between us. Even if I were to confess my righteousness before Him, something is not right on the inside. He desires truth on the inward parts.

I think that God is calling me to come back to this heart of worship. And I pray that He may be my all sufficiency and satisfy the longings in my heart.

Took a walk at the beach today. There was a light drizzle, but it was soothing and peaceful sitting there as usual, committing the year to God.

A faint rainbow marked the horizons.



It was rainy, but there was light on top of me. :)

Thanksgiving 2008

Thank God for (very summarised):

Family-
Miraculous change in my parents attitude towards me working in an NGO!
Parents getting more involved in church ministry
Mum starting a blog to tell others about God!

Spiritual Growth-
Fear of the Lord and not of men (still work in progress...)
I can't but God can. It is God who delivers and will deliver again
The Father heart of God, Jesus who understands my pain and sympathizes with my weaknesses
God is the healer of my broken heart- Jesus Himself came and heal up the wounds in my heart

Ministry-
Introduction to GBG ministry and radical community!
God in the dark alleys
God is the one who works in the lives of the people- when the mighty humble themselves! Saw how He moved and changed the hearts of my DG members

Work-
It was humbling. Through criticisms and different working styles, I was forced to find my identity- I needed to know who I am in Christ.
In the midst of uncertainty and seemingly impossible situations, I needed to know God's identity- who is God?
He is the God of justice. The God who will provide! And He is the intimate Father God.
And I am His child, secure in Him. Created in the way He made me to be.

What is faith all about?

My sis passed me a copy of Harvest Times to read, it happened to have a lot of features on missions and humanitarian work that CHC was doing. I was glad to read it, to hear the expanding ministries and I celebrate the wonderful things that God has been doing through the ministry. :) A teeny whiney part of me misses that kind of faith that I found in the church, to believe God for anything, to pray boldly in the Spirit, to worship God in tongues, to see visions and signs and wonders. Afterall, our God is still alive, and shdn't we be in expectancy of His great works?
The balance me now has learnt of "presumptuous faith" and suffering. With that in mind, I know that even in the most difficult seasons whereby there is seemingly little or no growth, God is still at work and He is sovereign. He has His reasons for not allowing certain things to happen, and He has His timings at work.

So how does the balance me operate with that FAITH bit, that believes and asks and receives? Sometimes I miss just that sense of being so presumptuous and bold.

Balance me has helped me a lot though, in terms of disappointments. That it is not altogether always celebratory.
I find myself asking though- Where is that joy? That sense of expectancy...that sense of faith in God?
Don't get me wrong balance is not faithlessness.
Yet there is a need for myself to reconcile all that is happening in my life & in the world.
To have that sense of faith and expectancy.

The Lord is my Shepherd

I was listening to Dennis Jernigan's The Lord is my Shepherd.

The Lord being my Shepherd gave new meaning to me..
As I experienced lying down in green pastures and my soul being restored. In spite of the physical tiredness. =) A peace amidst the stress.

Words by: King David (scripture adaptation by D.J.)
Music: Dennis Jernigan
The Lord is my Shepherd
I shall not want
He makes me lie down,
down in green pastures
He leads me beside quiet waters

He restoreth my soul
O how he guides me in the paths,
paths of His wonderful righteousness all,
All for His names' sake

Even though I may walk
through the valley of death
I shall not fear
For Thou are with me-For Thou are with me
And You have lifted me up in the
midst of my enemies
I shall not fear
For Thou art with me-Thou art with me

Thy rod and Thy staff,
how they comfort me
Annointing my head with Thine oil
Oil of Thy love, oil of Thy power...
My cup overflows

Surely thy goodness and mercy
shall follow my days
All of my life...
Thou art with me-Thou art with me
And I will dwell in Thine in
Thy holy light in Thine arms forever
Thou art with me-Thou art with me

找自己

Got back from Indonesia today about 1045pm. =) It was a very tight trip, and I was stressed before and during the trip. But one gem of a thing, I managed to have very good fellowship time with my boss- the president. I am so immensely thankful, being able to open up to her abt my challenges at work, and giving her feedback abt certain things, and having her tell me her expectations abt diff things. I'm glad we cld talk freely.

We stayed in the village for one night, it was something new for me...in a sense..I've stayed in other villagers before in China. But this time the roads were really near, and our neighbouring houses near to us. I cld see fr my window villagers chatting outside in the night, hear the honking of cars, and the blasting of music from vehicles and so on. It was a little scary in fact. The curtains were like flimsy pieces of cloth that din even cover the village house fully.

This morning we went to a small church, and as I was singing the second worship song, tears begin to flow down my eyes. Didn't know what touched me, the song was in Bahasa Indonesian, and I didn't understand a word....but I felt there was such a hunger for God in the place. And at the airport, my boss said she also teared at the same time, and it was about "intercession". Wow, the word exactly captured how I felt at that time.

Honestly, I do not feel a lot for Indonesia. The only country thus far that I "feel" a lot for is China. It reminds me a bit of what my fren said, he says he doesn't feel particularly for the marginalized, he doesn't even know what is his calling, he is just doing what the bible calls him to do. I think so. I am just doing what the bible says to do. And catching a glimpse here and there of God's heart for His people.

I need to find back myself....today we had such an open conversation, that I shared w my boss how I gave up bonuses that cld come up to 12mths, to join GB. I didn't say it to show off or to impress her, neither did I share it with regret. It was more like sharing my heart with her. There's layers covering my heart, and I need to dig deeper on the inside, what I really think about things, who I really am...

I think I may not end up being a missionary based in the third world, the greater measure is not that. The measure is our obedience to God's calling, following passionately after Him. Not what we can do FOR Him, but what we can do WITH Him, abiding in Him. Honestly I find it tough to tell God- Yr will Lord. Or to tell Him that I am willing, send me. I find it increasingly tough to pray and sing such words. If we really are willing, it takes a lot to be following after Christ.
Yah...I think I need to find back myself, and who He has created me to be. For only then I will be happy in Him, happy with myself....And not live in fears abt other people's expectations, or hurrying myself to be doing things I can't do....

A story of incarnate love

Although I had visited the clinic and knew the ministry there since abt 4 mths back, I had not mustered enough courage to "walk the streets" as they call it. To befriend, talk to and pray for the people.

The house church is located at Geylang Road, where they pray and meet daily. On Wednesdays, they have a worship time and then they walk the streets. After worshipping for abt an hr odd, we went to the street in 2 grps.

I went with a grp of about 8 to the "Indian" streets, unsure of what was to happen. We squeezed past crowds of migrant workers, walked past a street of gambling tables ( I swear I only saw those in HK TV dramas). Along the streets were rows of women standing/ sitting down. We came to a grp of ladies, and someone asked if they wanted prayer. They said yes, and another embraced one of them, and another held another's hand. And before long, we were all standing in the circle, in the middle of the dark dinky alley- Praying.

Jesus was there though. I felt like He was walking with us in the streets. He wasn't just there when we walked. He was there, walking with them daily.

I asked S if she wanted prayer. She hugged me and laid her head on my shoulders. I thought she didn't understand, and asked again. Again, she hugged me. I prayed for her- for healing, for God's love. And at the end of the prayer, I asked her to call to Jesus, to tell Jesus what is in her heart. Soon after she said she gotto go, as there was business coming. It stirred my heart with a mixture of feelings.

But I knew Jesus loved each one of these. The bible came alive as I read Isaiah that night when I got home- of healing broken hearts, of setting the captives free, of bringing light into the darkness. There it was, in the dark alleys, incarnate love. Jesus walked and fellowshipped with the tax collectors and the prostitutes on earth. Jesus came to die for these ones. God wants to redeem these lives, each woman created uniquely and beautifully in His image.

I have a feeling that this is how christianity is meant to be. Christianity, according to the bible, is radical.

Four Loves

"Need-love cries to God from our poverty; Gift-love longs to serve, or even to suffer for, God; Appreciative love says: 'We give thanks to thee for thy great glory.'
Need-love says of a woman 'I cannot live without her'; Gift-love longs to give her happiness, comfort, protection- if possible, wealth; Appreciative love gazes and holds its breath and is silent, rejoices that such a wonder should exist even if not for him, will not be wholly dejected by losing her, would rather have it so than never to have seen her at all."

- C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Thankful for being able to experience Gift Love and Appreciative Love. Though when one loves, I think we cannot escape fr having some form of Need-Love. Somehow, maybe, it is inevitable. Cos if one just gives and appreciates, then there is no need for the person, and it is quite sad isn't it! But wow, being able to release someone in love, to just hold the person in appreciation, and to give of oneself for the better of other. =P

Synergy in Mission Organizations

I found this website on the progress of the Gospel in the world. It shows the percentage of peoples group still unreached at 41.3%. Joshua Project
(Unreached = A people group among which there is no indigenous community of believing Christians with adequate numbers and resources to evangelize this people group. The original Joshua Project editorial committee selected the critieria less than 2% Evangelical Christian and less than 5% Christian Adherents.)
There's quite a lot of useful info in the website. Amazes me on the depth of research and the amt of thought that went into this.

Through my job and others, I've come across many missions agencies and churches who are passionate about reaching the lost, and also came across many christian agencies with a social mission. This is definitely very edifying and encouraging. =)

My 2 cents worth of thought- some of these organizations should combine effort instead of re-inventing the wheel. How powerful it will be if there was synergy. Like for example World Vision & Compassionate are good at child sponsorship programmes, YWAM is good at missions training, Habitat is good at building houses for the poor, each one having the expertise to complement one another...and so on and so forth, likewise in the field of medical missions, micro businesses etc. :P Sometimes the organization may not be present in a certain area of the world and u have to do some re-invention. But in cases where partnership is possible, there's so much synergy that can be harnessed from it.

Chking motives is impt, like why are we starting this thing, can we partner with someone else who has the expertise, and is our motivation really to benefit the community or to expand our territory of influence? Doesn't make sense that the social sector already has very few resources for us to be competing with each other for resources.

Though I must say, starting my own organization has been on my mind on and off. Check check check....is it cos I can't submit to authority? Do I really have something that I can offer that is not already available in the mkt? I must admit though, that having my own organization allows more flexibility and control over the vision and mission.

Ajith Fernando in his book Jesus Driven Ministry, says he grows uneasy when people say they want to have their ministry in every city of our nation or in every country in Asia. Rather, the one with godly ambition should pray that if "someone else does what we were hoping to do, we will be satisfied."

When the mighty are broken

Last year when I felt God's prompting that it may be time to start serving in ministry again, I was hoping to lead a youth discipleship group of say 18-22 years old. But I was asked to lead a discipleship group of ladies ard my age, consisting of lawyers & scholars, more than half of whom come from RGS. ;p I felt super inadequate and apprehensive.

The past few weeks have been encouraging. I tell u, when the mighty ones humble themselves and are broken before God, when He speaks to us about fault lines in our lives. And thank God, for authentic sharing, and guess what, we identify similar issues because we came from similar education background! Of being efficient, busy people. Needing to centre down on God, needing to humble ourselves before Him, and surrender our futures into His hand. Learning to not strive so hard for men's praises, but to strive for His praise. Learning that we do not need to be perfect to be loved. Learning uncertainty, and being joyful in it, trusting that He is in control.

So many lessons to be learnt. ;p I'm so glad we are in this together. I am humbled, and thankful. That God answered my prayers. Been praying for our group and for a breakthrough, that we may share authentically with each other. Glad that He, in His own mighty and personal way, convicted each of our hearts individually. Glad that He, would choose to bring us together in a group bcos of our similar experiences. Glad that He, would break us down, so that we can be mighty not in the sight of men but in Him. Glad that He encouraged me in this ministry, that He is the one who leads His people, and I just got to pray and obey Him.

And so....the challenges that arise in ministry never cease, but His grace is ever sufficient...and His Spirit continues to move and convict. =)

And yah...at this time when I am very physically tired, and weary in my soul, He knows His ways to encourage. Thank You Lord.

Show me Your heart

I picked up my guitar that I had not been playing for a while and worshipped God just now. I sang a lot of the songs I used to sing in the past. Yeah...I miss worshipping God with these songs:

1) THERE IS A PLACE IN YOUR HEART
I AM LONGING TO FIND
WON'T YOU SHOW ME
THERE IS A PLACE I KNOW
I CAN RUN TO AND HIDE
WON'T YOU SHOW ME
SHOW ME
SHOW ME
SHOW ME YOUR HEART

2) I WANT TO SING
UNTIL I AM LOST IN YOUR LOVE
TILL I'M FOUND IN YOUR PRESENCE
WORSHIPPING BEFORE YOUR THRONE
MOVE BY YOUR SPIRIT
ENTERING INTO YOUR FLOW
HOW PRECIOUS THIS MOMENT
LORD I WANT YOU TO KNOW

IT'S YOU, YOU WHO HAVE WON MY HEART
TAKEN ME INTO YOUR ARMS
COMFORTED ME LIKE A FRIEND
YOUR LOVE
SURROUNDED ME FROM THE START
I NEVER WANT TO BE APART
FROM YOU EVER AGAIN

I was very touched, bcos God showed me that I loved Him and wanted to know His heart. And I guess I had created a separation betw CHC and post CHC me. Yet, the CHC me, told God that I loved Him earnestly. Albeit untested. But yes, with all sincerity wanting to honour Him.
Just like Pastor Edmund said when he told his wife he loved her 20 years ago when they got married that she loved her with all sincerity, now his love for her is many times more.

I think I can worship again....

Through different ones that He somehow prompted and led to speak to me, esp yesterday night's talk with Ed showed me how much God loved me. Not just love me, but my identity in Christ is precious. I'm thankful that he had the courage to obey God to speak to me, even though it was difficult and painful. Which makes it all the more precious, that God would arrange for divine settings and encounters, bcos we are precious enough for Him to do so.

Part of the reason why I am so tired, I guess....is bcos I think that it is never enough. More souls to save, more things to do and not everyone will get healed or get saved. It tires me out thinking abt that.
But yet, each ernest surrender, each desire to do His will...He knows. And most of all, it was never about our giving. It was about HIS giving.
So He can heal the past. He can take away the condemnation abt being not-enough, not doing enough, and rewrite the results of wrong decisions.

I am deeply thankful for the love shown to me. And i surrender to Him again. It was never about my surrender but His sacrifice. It is a mixture of pain & joy. Pray that I may know His love. And through this knowing, know that He will take care of the one(s) I love.

It's hard to be like Jesus

Came across this article by Philip Yancey.
Thought it was quite thought provoking.
http://www.christianitytoday.com/tc/2005/003/1.42.html

In my visits to churches overseas, one difference from North American Christians stands out sharply: their view of hardship and suffering. We who live in an age of unprecedented comfort seem obsessed with the problem of pain. Skeptics mention it as a major roadblock to faith, and believers struggle to come to terms with it. Prayer meetings in the U.S. often focus on illnesses and requests for healing. Not so elsewhere.
I asked a man who visits unregistered house churches in China whether Christians there pray for a change in harsh government policies. After thinking for a moment, he replied that not once had he heard a Chinese Christian pray for relief...

Something that never changes

I went to the gym today, spent a good time there. And then read a book. Just wanted to spend some time out with God. Decided to do something impromptu, went to the East Coast Beach, the location where I always went to pray and reflect. But I haven't been there since we moved in Dec last year.

It was nice seeing the crowds of families and friends cycling, skating, picnics and chilling out. =) And most of all, it was nice to stand on the sand again, close to the sea. The construction behind my fave spot had been completed, and there were now nice alfresco restaurants. One day I shall go there to grab a drink and chill out. The feelings came back, the prayers and thoughts I had raised in the past standing at that spot. About changing church, relationships, God's plan for my life etc. I remember God spoke to me last year about new beginnings, after 1 year plus break from ministry. I remember being thankful for the respite, and this new sense of being rested in Him.

I felt in my heart, that He seemed to be telling me that nothing had changed. I can still experience the same kind of restedness as when I was taking a break from ministry. It was about serving from a position of rest. I had allowed all the new ministry & work responsibilities to burden me again. And then, I felt He was showing me that He had already healed me and spoken to me about the cell group in CHC, and I had received closure for that. The new fear that arose as my responsibilities increased, was something I had to give to Him. Whether I am serving or not serving, He was the same. The sea was as vast, the skies as wide. Because He is the same faithful God, the maker of the universe.

Thought of some of the different people in my previous cell. Asked God again, Why did the Cell Group not grow? Felt that I already knew the answer without asking. It was about Inner Growth. It was about pain that came with growth. It was about how God worked in His own timing, and not in my own terms. I have grown, yay. =)

There are things that are not certain. But yet many things that are certain. What is certain is that God is faithful. What is uncertain is how the faithful God will demonstrate His faithfulness, since His ways are higher than ours, and He is not confined to work on human terms. I must not mix the uncertain things with the things that are clear-cut. Because I can speak confidently about God's faihtfulness, and about His unchanging plans to redeem mankind, and how we need to draw near to Him.

Walked into my old condo, everything was the same. The carpark, the lobby, the tennis courts....which I had walked past for the past more than 20 years. All were the same. Nothing had changed.

Hmm. Maybe I myself can't totally capture what that feeling was. But it certainly brought rest, knowing that He is in control of the past, present and future.

Building Foundations

Its another Sunday night. =) Switched on my comp with some thoughts I wanted to write, but got a bit emo instead. Maybe it will make the sharing more real.

I wanted to share about Covenant Evangelical Free Church, the church I've been in for the past 2 years. I am extremely thankful for the sound and balanced teaching of the Word I've received. One of the things that really blesses my heart is the focus on inward growth, to become like the "certain kind" of disciple. I know what it means to be the certain kind, though its hard to capture it down in words.

One thing that Pastor Ed always says is that we shd not have "presumptuous faith". Realise how important that is. Because one ques that was on mind constantly was why God promised growth in my chc cell grp, but it never grew, and there were people who left the church instead. Realised that all the more when God calls, we are likely to experience challenges. Hence it is not just pray it and claim it. But faith is trusting in God. Afterall, Jesus experienced the deepest of sorrow before His cruxification, and growth does not come without its pains.

I'm thankful that the church does not preach all the "how to" sermons, but often, it preaches on the inward posture and perspectives that we should have. Because "how to" sermons, tho can help a person modify his actions outwardly, they may not neccessarily change a person on the inside. In the Leaders Empowering session on Fri night, Pastor Ed talked about leadership as being able to move people together as one towards the vision. There's different ways of doing that ofcos. Two extremes- one being the militant style, pressuring people into doing what you call them to. The other extreme is to be just very nice and telling people its ok if they can't follow etc. Instead of the two, we should build foundation and mature a person, then the person will follow with conviction. I think building foundation is the toughest thing to do, in a results oriented society. The church seems pressurized by societal norms to acheive success. I can think of many wonderful people who seem to not have status on the outside, but I believe God is doing deep work in their lives. And sometimes this "deep work" confounds us. Instead of becoming more powerful, we seem to become weaker; instead of becoming more confident in ourselves, we seem to realise our inadequacy; instead of being victorious, we face persecution; instead of prestige, we seem to be demoted to places of aloneness.

Up till now, I can't help but have a negative reaction when I hear the words "success", "growth", as it brings to mind very painful memories of believing for growth, but the attendance showing a downward trend instead. I know it is because I was discouraged and hurt from past experiences, that now I fear trusting God, because I don't want to be disappointed again. Now I realise tho, that being disappointed was because I didn't realise I had to go through pains for growth, and was angry with myself for not being a good enough leader.

I have to watch that I don't fall into the other extreme of faithlessness. Because I think growth and being fruitful is what we shd be in our ministries. Its is like knowing we can do nothing apart from Jesus, yet we can do everything with Him, because He is a mighty God. So to remain status quo is to think too small of God who is more than enough.

So its good that the past is starting to pop up again, and I am beginning to reconcile my past experiences at church with the present, instead of just totally shutting out the experiences. After all, every experience in retrospect, had God's hand in it. All the promises and words He had spoken to me were real. I don't wanna re-do the 2 years again, of uprooting from church, questioning all my basics about who God is, but I think it was good to unlearn somethings that are wrong, and relearn again, to remove and replace with the right thoughts of God and myself.

Go Forth 2008

I had the privilege of attending the full Go Forth conference, sponsored by my company. I was thankful for the 4 day break away from work and to learn about missions. Didn't realise there were so many aspects to consider! Felt before I went for the conference, there was something God wanted me to learn from there. And yup, I have been blessed, inter-mingled with other things past and present.


1) Social Entrepreneurship -innovative methods for missions

Today strangely at service, I was reminded of this image in 2004. I was waiting for the bus at Thomson Road, outside MCYS. I first came across this term "social entrepreneurship" when I was in NUS. They advertised for a internship position to help with social enterprise projects. My heart was excited when I got the job, cos I always knew that I studied business for a purpose, and this concept seemed to combine social and business skills together. Visiting those SEs, and meeting SEs was always so uplifting. One person who inspired me till now is Pastor Don Wong, who runs a halfway house for ex-convicts, whom I went with to Indonesia 2 times so far. =)

It was good that Go Forth talked about Social enterprises and micro enterprises, because it is definitely a platform for outreach and missions. I liked what Ajith Fernando said "Innovation comes out of servanthood, innovative servanthood opens doors for the gospel, it is never an end in itself". Through these micro/social businesses, we help to meet the needs of the poor in a sustainable manner, and we are granted access into countries which we previously cannot.

I was inspired by this other lady, Penny who was a lawyer, and went to India for 9 years to build a garment factory etc., because she had heard God's call. She talked about making God relevant to the poor. I couldn't agree more. I guess this is helping me to remember the dream I had to set up SE.

A few years ago, through my thesis, on "Cross sector alliances between companies and non-profits", I interviewed Claire Chiang. Her Banyan tree retail shops sell items made by women from villagers, and she shared abt herself going there to work with the villagers, with jeans, mud, hat etc. Guess that was something I wanted to do. I'm not sure if she is a christian though. ;p

But something that sets apart us as christians is the idea of servanthood.

2) Radical servanthood
Ajith emphasized the importance of dedication to God, and commitment to Jesus. I always thought we will be fulfilled when we find the place where we can fully use our talents. People always seek to work in the big, established organizations and churches. But he says we are fulfiled when we "die for the people". I understood what he meant when he gave this example. A pastor who was previously preaching to 2000 people congregation decides to go into the missions field. Now he is only preaching to 4 people every week, the husband, the wife, a colleague, and one new convert. It was so "wow" when I heard that. And it struck me that the world measures success by effectiveness, but in God's kingdom, it is all about obedience and commitment to Christ. He also reminded us that the church ought to send the BEST to the missions field, like how the antioch church sent Paul and Barnabbas, their very best.

Anyway it is a kind of a faithful obedience. Sometimes we even don't see fruits in our lifetime-like those heros of faith quoted in the bible. It struck me that it is so hard for me to surrender this area to God, tho I did pray and ask for His grace to do so. On many ocassions, when I walk to upper serangoon road, into my office with less than 10 people, I ask myself, what on earth am I doing here! And sometimes, I remember the nice airconditioned lobby and building, and office and desk I used to have. He is poking at this area in my heart.

Another thing Ajith shared was how in reaching asia, the people perceive christianity as a western invasion, with bible in one hand, money/sword in the other. What will really set us apart is radical servanthood. And yup, in order for the church to grow, it has to suffer. This is a cross-based theology, as opposed to the consumerism theology.

3) Emotional health
Related to the previous point, I realised how impt one's emotional health must be in the missions field. Quite a few of the speakers spoke about how they were stripped of their ability to speak in the new environment- whereby they could not speak the language there. Someone said, he was reduced to being a 2 year old. Taking transport was a problem. Every small thing required assistance. And also because of the sensitive nature of missions, u can't tell people u are a "missionary". So u are suddenly status and titleless. Again another wow. Someone said something like "God stripped me of my linguistic skills, I could not speak, but He used my actions to demonstrate His love".

So I think it is important for one to be secure about his own identity. Otherwise, there is bound to be identity crisis there. Esp for someone who prides his self worth upon his work. And also when there is no fruit after labouring for a long time, it is important for one to be secure in God, rooted in Christ. Otherwise frustration will come in.

Even as He is working some very deep seated emotional issues in me....I know it can only be because to build high, there must be a solid foundation.

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So anyway I did not respond for the altar calls to be a missionary. Such a sacred call it is. Not to be casually taken into. But yes, I am missions-minded. How can someone know God and not be burdened for the lost?
John Piper-
"Missions is not the ultimate goal of the Church. Worship is. Missions exists because worship doesn’t. Worship is ultimate, not missions, because God is ultimate, not man. When this age is over, and the countless millions of the redeemed fall on their faces before the throne of God, missions will be no more. It is a temporary necessity. But worship abides forever."

Wonderful Cross

While we are at this theme of God setting us free. This is a lovely song that has blessed me a lot these days. The paradox of the cross- That He has set us free, died for us, loved us; and now we give our lives to Him. It is on this basis that when we receive His love, we can outflow it to others:

Wonderful Cross

When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of Glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride

See from his head, his hands, his feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did ever such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown

O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
All who gather here by grace draw near and bless
Your name

Were the whole realm of nature mine
That were an offering far too small
Love so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all

Set free

Thankful again for a quiet night to write. ;) Writing is a blessing. Tmr is still work day so I shan't write too long!
This week was a very busy week for me, averaged about 5-6 hrs of sleep per day. My eye rings are all coming out! Yet it was one of the most fruitful weeks thus far. As yup, I'm starting to enjoy work and remember why I was there. :)
Last sun it was a message on what christianity is about. Actually it is a complicated thing to explain, but it all boils down, I realise, to the saving work of Christ on the cross. And as I was waiting for communion, I asked God to set me free from all the shackles inside my heart. And I thought of this verse:
36 Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.
John 8:36
And felt impressed upon my heart that God was showing me, from the day I walked down the altar and prayed the sinners prayer (10 years ago!), He already set me free. It was such a powerful but simple revelation.

With this revelation of being free, I realise I do not need to work to gain approval from others. And basically, my security is not based on what other people said about me, neither was it based on how well I performed at work. But I am secure in Christ. =)

Yup yup...so tis is a short update, and I am so tired. I'm gonna pray and sleep already.

Next week is Go Forth Conference! :) Yay. I'm looking forward to it, hoping to have a fresh touch from God.

Sacred vs Secular

I went for dinner with 2 grps of people last night. First with my ex colleagues, then next I joined my church mates. This grp of colleagues are the ones I went Philippines to build houses with, and I enjoy their company. One of the guys is getting married, so this was kind of a "celebration" dinner for him. At the end of the meal, they wanted to split the bill equally, but I protested because I had not ordered the set meal, and my meal was one of the cheapest, so its easily 7-8 dollars cheaper than the average cost. I felt weird though, when I protested! Felt like I was being miserly. But yet, I know I gotto be wise in my spending of money. And yup, so it was poignant moment, and it remained in my mind.

Met my church mates and we had rocher beancurd. Its one of those wonderful cheap chillout places with soya bean at 70 cents a cup. i wonder if I am getting overly worked up over money and trying to keep my budget low! But I think about the future and buying house and getting married (hopefully), and having money to build orphanages or social enterprises and all. And I don't wanna spend so much! After the meal it was like 1120pm, and everyone took cabs home except me. I walked 15 minutes myself to Bugis MRT and took the train home.

It was poignant. I wouldn't say I felt miserable. But I did feel alone walking down the dimly lit streets. And felt like making a phone call to my helpline, but refrained so that I could process my thoughts with God.

And so, people have been asking how's my new job, and I describe my flying ard, so far to Cambodia and Indonesia. ;p and some say wah, yr job sounds fun, and its great that u can travel. It really is, stepping back and viewing my life as if I am a third person. Its someone I always wanted to be, giving of my life to passionate causes. And yes, being somewhat freed up from the rat race. I remember again and again the miracle of my parents blessings for my job. Seeing the happy face of Dian in Indonesia as she cried happy tears made my heart lept with joy and I teared. This is the reason why I am in this job. Really tho, the daily practical outworkings of this job is far from "glam". There is a price to pay for this. And it works out in various practical decisions that I make. Sometimes it is incredibly lonely, a road that few can understand.

I don't mean that I am above others in anyway. In fact, I was reading this book The Pursuit of God by AZ Tozer. He talks in the last chapt about there being no need for a dichotomy betw the sacred and the secular. I quote

"The 'layman' need never think of his humbler task as being inferior to that of his minister. Let every man abide in the calling wherein he is called and his work will be as sacred as the work of the ministry. It is not what a man does that determines whether his work is sacred or secular, it is why he does it. The motive is everything. Let that man sanctify the Lord God in his heart and he can thereafter do no common act. All he does is good and acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For such a man, living itself will be sacramental and the whole world a santuary. His entre life will be a priestly ministration. As he performs his never-so-simple task, he will hear the voice of the seraphim saying, 'Holy, Holy, Holy; is the Lord of hosts: the whole earth is full of His glory."

I dearly hope my motive is right before God, and everything I do may be Holy and pleasing to Him. I've been thinking abt this secular vs sacred thing for some time. It was a major struggle for me in my previous wkplace to keep my work sacred as I felt so constrained on the inside. So it was difficult to give praise for a job I didn't really enjoy. But yup, I think I did my best as a worship unto Him. Ofcos there is this ques tho, how can photocopying documents for example, be as sacred as going to the missions field and praying for a kid? I don't have ans yet, but the underlying being the importance of motive.

Actually it is a privilege to be working in a church or a christian organization, because one who works there gets to see the outworkings of God's love and glory in more tangible forms. I mean like I get to go to Indonesia and see people worshipping God in a different tongue, and I wonder, I am actually getting paid to do this? Like being paid to serve God and to be encouraged by His people and to do ministry, which is a daily thing I wanna do. Its really like the blessedness of having little, so I say sometimes, it is such a blessing to be called to go into such jobs.

Alrighty, this is a whole bunch of thoughts I have....which I've not totally processed through. :) As you can tell. I'm grateful if u finished reading!