My Spiritual Journey

Grateful

2011-06-26T00:15:00.002+08:00

I feel very grateful that whenever I am lost, my Papa comes to find me :)
Through people
Through His word
Through emails
Through divine interventions

He searches for me!

Heart bloated with love

2011-06-18T22:51:00.000+08:00

I havent had the opportunity to blog abt penang since i came back cos was taking time to rest at night, plus the flurry of work meetings that ate into my evenings. .
Penang was great, i felt that i met with God in a new way..
It was a lot to do with the heart, and i felt impressed upon this verse, guard yr heart, bcos out of it flows the well springs of life. I certainly felt the flow of love into my heart, it was like milk honey.
Les, the speaker.. Said in one of his sessions that he sensed clogged arteries. It was like the wells that were covered and isaac needed to redig them. That was what someone told me in 2008 tat i had choked pipes. I figured out during prayer where the choking was, and went back to that past area of disappointment. It felt free releasing tat back to Daddy.
I begin to understand, how long how wide how deep his love is for me, and what Heidi baker said abt herself being a prisoner of love. Even as i received His flow of love. Felt that powerful anointing and force that made me fall backwards.
And Les prayed for my heart, and prayed for rest. I thot it will be a word of asking me to go forth for missions. But he said the word was rest. My dearest daughter, he said, i have been waiting for you, welcome home.. And after the prayer we talked, and he said it felt like i was an overly responsible person, and capable, tats why people gave me stuff to do. And it is indeed a transition time now in learning to rest... And really finding out the core (my heart) of who i am, what i am good at.. What excites me?

On my last night, the fatherly hug from Uncle J brought tears to my eyes. I was sad abt the farewell. And i started crying. It was bcos i felt the touch of unconditional love and kindness extended to me. It was undeserved. But so full of kindness. In that moment, Daddy God showed me He will love me anyway even if i stayed in GIC and didnt start working in GB.
I miss the folks there, many who have heard the heart of God for the nations, many fr YWAM. Many a thots of just waiting on Father, and letting Him lead wherever He wants us to go.
I pray He will fill me with more, and my heart may be bloated with His love.

The greatest mission field!

2011-06-03T00:08:00.000+08:00

Just met Eugene, founder of Radion International (www.radion-international.org) for dinner. And as usual, very encouraged because Eugene is to me, one person who makes his faith real. People dying daily because they don't have enough to pay for their medical bills is real. And being there for them is real. Things in Singapore are unreal.
It is not exactly a needs based thing that calls us there. What we want is obedience. Joyful obedience to live the life that He calls us to.
Teared a bit even as i write this.

With the same eyes that sees profanity, i see God's loving creation. The same mouth that utters prayer, utters complaints. The same ears that listens to His replies, takes in filth. And i like the profanity, complaints and filth of this world. I like being comfortable. My flesh finds pleasure in many things.
I feel unworthy.. Yet i feel v worthy in Christ. The greatest battle field n mission field.. My heart.. I fear... Is still not totally won for Christ.

As much as i ask God for a life partner who loves God with all his heart, and who has a real r.s. with Him, i often wonder if I myself fulfil such a criteria. As much as i ask God for openings to missions, and His leading, i wonder if my heart is pure and clean and secure in Him to be overseas. I know the stresses are even greater there.

And yet i know, the more i look inwardly, the more i fail.
It is faith. Faith to believe, the faith to ask Him boldly for things, the faith to respond and obey. The faith to rest when things don't seem how they shd be. The faith to wait.. To grow, and to be moulded.

And looking back each step, it makes sense.. See His fingerprints in my life, and i can say amen! Now i understand! :)

My heart is back where it belongs...and there is no rest elsewhere

2011-05-29T21:18:00.003+08:00

I went for the GoForth Conference on Fri and Sat, and I was very blessed..

There were quite a few paradigm shifts from the conference and I am thankful :)
I recalled again things about the marketplace ministry that excited me. And yes, I am praying hard about it. Especially impactful was Peter Tsukahira who said that it was not about vying for the top places in the mktplace, but it was seeing the needs of those at the bottom. It stirred something in me, and helped me to reconcile the disjoint between marketplace ministry/impactful businesses versus identifying with the weak and the poor. I recalled again my original intentions in University, in wanting to speak to businessmen abt God.

It has been a journey. It has not been a straight journey. Did I get derailed? Or did God already plan everything for me? I had to quit the high paying job and get into the ground to see God's goodness and faithfuless. It was a test of who my God is.

Feel like I failed the test of God over the past year. Being very tempted to compromise. In fact, I did compromise, because what He promised just didn't seem like it was coming. Again, He had to shield me and guard me, even though it was painful, like an operation that removed the splinter in my heart. Brought me back to the heart of God. His soothing love, His amazing grace that covered me when I was lost.

The greatest mission field, one of the speakers said, was the mission field of the heart. And Daddy says, it is gonna be painful, but I will surely not let you go.

Is that what I ultimately seek after? To be comfortable? And alternatively, is it to seek being uncomfortable? It is neither. It is the holding up of one's hands to the Lord, whether it is in the most comfortable of situations, or the most mundane ones, or the most stormy ones, to trust Him...

Robert Solomon said that obeying God in missions is like falling in LOVE... And we follow where God calls us to go. We obey Him because we are fearful? Or is it because we can trust in Him? Or is it because we just simply LOVE Him?

Thank you for bringing my heart back to You.

He was with me from the beginning

2011-04-02T23:39:00.000+08:00

Today I took a cab from newton to church, and as I was at newton, I was reminded that I had gone for an interview with NEA last year for the ODP programme. I had applied for several jobs, including civil service ones, but it just seemed like the doors had closed. A still small voice asked me, so u think it is by coincidence that you are in SIF now? I just applied with the intention to try it out. And I smoothly got an interview and got the position and pay adjusted after I was offered the job.
Whether it was an accident is a question I have been toying with. And God answered me today.

There was intercessory worship today at church. What is intercessory worship? It is like praying for others while worshipping. I didn't realise that was what I had been doing all along in CHC when I led worship as a cgl. The closeness of God and the anointing at worship reminded me of ministry back then, both what I had received and what I had ministered. The silence and waiting on God was what I learnt thru other worship leaders whom I had experienced the deep presence of God. It is not a method, but it is an expectation, and a posture of waiting, of surrendering, of desiring, and of leading the people towards the holy of holies. It was ministering to people's deepest needs, as when waiting, the Holy Spirit often reveals the deepest needs of the worshippers. I love worship because it does not require eloquency. I can't do preaching, but I can sing and share a word as God has led. I recalled the moments God had spoken in those deep calling unto deep moments, whereby time froze, and I felt bare before His holiness, and embraced by His deep love. In focusing on Him, it was then leading the others into God's presence to experience that same intensity of Him.
Is it a norm to experience God deeply in worship? I think it should be. And I wish it would be.
It reminded me the gifting He had deposited in me, the word of knowledge for people. I recalled also hurting people whom I had shared a word for. I recalled going around the cg to lay hands and pray for those who had responded after the word. I recalled tears of joy, tears of sorrow that came from the touch from the Holy Spirit. Yes, it should be a norm. . .
And now how do I make that a norm? Or is it not me... Is it the work of God? And is it then me trusting Him to do it and expecting Him to move in the deepest manner?

It was a deep engagement with God today. And I brought up to Him many things on my heart. God just speaks and u know He has spoken when He surfaces issues u didn't know exist. I felt like I was starting on ground zero for various aspects of my church life n ministry due to various transitions. The silence is confusing, fearful. God showed me He is with me from the beginning.
Youths, young people, the broken hearted, the depressed... These were people He had laid on my heart years ago since I was in university. How would it pen out. . and what are the choices I shd make? My weariness comes from being discouraged starting from ground zero but I am not. He has been leading all along. . .

Tranquility

2011-03-27T23:38:00.001+08:00

It has been long since I heard Pastor Ed preach. And as usual, his sermons always cause a stir in my heart. The words strike once, then they reverbate on the inside of my heart.
God exposes our inner compulsions. This has been a season whereby my inner compulsions seem to rear its ugliest head. I do not know why, but the desires in my heart seem to surface more this season. The temptations are greater, and i have fallen a few times. Could it be that He is showing me what is really upon my heart? I need to guard my heart.
I ask myself what are my inner convictions and what is the inner compass that directs me. That which use to convict me sways, especially this season. Sometimes i feel like i have lost my direction. Distracted somewhat from my original convictions. The journey is a tough one, and I am tired of fighting me on the inside.
It is God who establishes our inner composure. Pastor ed described tranquility as a picture of waves and wind coming, but beneath all the, few feet under the waters, it is calm. Waves and storms are bound to come, but it is the inner life, the inner convictions, compass that establishes us, so that we can remain steadfast.
The opposing pic, he said, is that of a duck floating on a still pond, but it is paddling fast below. That, he says, is not tranquility.
What is my idea of tranquility? Even as life bombards me with various trials and disappointments. I have been anxious, and losing my temper more. I have been task oriented. I don't like this me. Maybe, i look calm on the outside, but i'm paddling furiously beneath.
There's an alternative way. It is a God centred life. It is a God captivated life. It is entering into the life that God invites us to. A life of joy, peace and hope. He invites because He cares. He welcomes with open arms, because we are His children. He loves us.
I rest me in this thought. I rest my fears in this thought. Amen.

The Gospel...

2011-01-02T21:25:00.005+08:00

I visited CHC again after a long time. And this time, I felt differently..

Before I left, I felt that the dressing up - makeup and trendy clothes, created peer pressure for those who come to the church to dress up.
This time I felt that the church is contemporary and welcomes people who are from different backgrounds (e.g. trendy looking youths, artists, designers etc), probably it makes them feel at home, a place which they can step in.

The drama was fantastic as usual. A great setup, and touching plot.
The sermon was as usual, a three point simple one. It talked about God redeeming/blessing our finances, healing our bodies, and healing us of our shame. It brought much hope, and a part of me had this struggle within me..
The simple message surely gives much hope to the people who come with sickness, emotional issues or bad debt. God is the God of hope... And may be, sometimes, declaring such hopefulness to them, really helps to give them hope for their situation? Afterall, our God is able... So instead of adding qualifiers, e.g. "if", "but", "maybe", such bold declarations are relevant to people's situations.
And instead of something so "chim", people from all walks of life who are going thru difficult situations are able to understand the message of hope..

But another part of me wonders.. if that is missing out on the best part of the gospel?
The gospel which centrals around Jesus's redemption for us, and how we can come to God. Like the Samaritan woman at the well who...well...got to know Jesus and His rivers of living water.

2010 has been a year of going back to the basic foundations of salvation and redemption.
And really understanding grace....
Understanding a r/s with God.. the Father heart of God..
The love that He pours out into our hearts...

Wrote in my journal some time ago.. The Father surely welcomes and loves His children, to bless them... But the Father's purpose is for that deeper relationship with His children.

A faith tested

2010-11-13T22:24:00.003+08:00

C.S. Lewis says, "You never know how much you believe in the strength of the rope until you’re hanging by it over a cliff.”
It is faith...
Faith need not be exercised if seasons are not trying. Right?
The devil comes not in dark, ugly costumes, but he comes in shiny, pretty looking lollipops.
Its a season whereby all my belief in God is being tested. It is a scary, dark season.
Please please please pray for me.

A season of growth

2010-11-04T23:57:00.003+08:00

Because of my struggle with something I really wanted for the past few months, but I think it was not something God wanted for me, I realise that I don't really desire God. What I mean is, I desire a lot of things other than God. I don't fully recognize how deeply He loves me. If not, choosing Him over that other thing would have been easy? Yet even now, remnants of the desire to want that thing still remains.

But the really lovely thing is this, that in spite of my desires, He is very patient with me. He doesn't want me to have it, because He loves me. And I believe He cries with me, when I grieve.

Perhaps, it has helped to free me from the shoulds and should nots. In being real with God about my heart's desires. And during this journey, I shed many tears, because I realised the desires were linked to so many deep seated wounds. And then, I realised that my christianity was a farce. It is linked to so many things I felt I should or should not do, and that God would not love me if I didn't do so and so things.

I had a breakthrough today. I was feeling bad because of some comments people had said. Then I realised I was upset because I had taken in these comments as the truth. Whereas my value in Him was worth much more than that, and that it was okay for me to disagree with what was being said, and to forgive whoever had caused the offense. It helped so much in me being able to relate to the person involved with authenticity.

Its a season of growth and God is surfacing many things. But He also is real. And He is my everything, the one I talk to first in the face of any crisis. I hope He would always be.

Heart Pain

2010-09-19T20:41:00.003+08:00

Most recently, I did something that my christian friends/mentors adviced me against doing. And now I'm reaping the effects of whatever I did. :( I feel so bad, but if I were to choose again, I think I may do it all over again.
I made myself vulnerable, perhaps because I always felt that loving is being vulnerable, and there's no way to just love people halfway. But loving is painful, and it hurts when it is not reciprocrated.
Nevertheless.... In the midst of this, I understood one thing, grace is not about my performance. I feel unworthy to serve, to mentor or lead others. And I ask myself what I think grace is? It is unearned, unmerited and even though I didn't meet religious expectations, I am righteous before Father God because of Jesus.
O dear Lord, pls be gracious to me and see me through this difficult time. :(

Jesus.. feeling the pain of rejection even as He loved...
Father.. the prodigal Father with outstretched arms waiting for the prodigal son's return.

Can one love unconditionally without expectation?

My Heart's Desire

2010-08-06T17:36:00.005+08:00

I am learning so much these days about God's grace and righteousness in Him.
I guess ever since becoming a Christian, I have been trying very hard to please God. Like reading the bible, serving, praying. And following all the disciplines. Before I became a christian, I was a "good" girl who was studious, nice etc. So I never really understood the concept of sin.
And now as I stand at the crossroads of decision making... and as my heart's desires surface... I come to realise grace which is unearned. Nothing I can do to make Him love me more. If I don't hide but surface the things that are on my heart, He would still love me. Obedience from the mind is something I can do but it would be with an unwilling heart. I can change my actions, but I can't change my heart and what He really wants is my heart. Even when I don't speak it out, He knows my heart. In "Prayer" Philip Yancey says that we often come to God with nice & politically correct prayers, but God hears the unspoken prayer in our heart.

Letting go of stuffs reveals to me the fears that are in my heart. Clinging on to things gives me that sense of security but once i let that go, I deal with the scary deep dark hole that is on the inside. And He wants to heal.

And knowing God as a Happy Father helps. Think my mind is really too intensed sometimes in thinking about things. But He just enjoys our company. He quiets us with His love..like singing a lovely lullaby. He loves us when we are unlovely. We don't have to hide the dark condition on our inside. Cos He knows, He sees, and yet He loves.
And only when we know He knows, sees and loves, that we can give our hearts to Him....
I am still trying to understand how deep how wide is His love for me.

Grace found me @ Penang

2010-06-18T12:43:00.004+08:00

The one week in Penang has given my Christian life a totally new paradigm shift and breakthough in terms of my view of God.
Even though I know that God is kind and loving, I could never really receive it in my heart, and often felt bad when I did something wrong, or felt not good enough for Him.
The journey began when I signed up for the 2 day workshop in Singapore by Father Heart Ministries Asia. I was blessed as the speaker shared from the parables of the Prodigal son, as well as of the unforgiving Servant.

These are the two truths that were spoken:

1. The Father was waiting for the return of his son, even though the son had wanted his inheritance earlier, i.e. implication was telling his father that he wants him to die, and then went on a lifestyle of decadent living. He ended up having to work with pigs (which is unclean to the jews), and probably smelt of pigs when he came back. But the Father ran towards him and embraced him, and kissed him, and clothed him with a robe. How extravagant the Father's love is. This is Homecoming.

2. The master forgave the servant of a debt of 10,000 talents, which is equivalent to 60 million days of wages. A debt that could never have been repaid by the servant was forgiven! In the same way, Father God wipes out all our debts /sins before Him. We could never ever work our way through to our own salvation.

John 14 is pivoltal in my understanding of the Father. In it, Jesus says "I will not leave you as orphans", and He has prepared a room with many mansions, and He says, "Where I am, there you may be also". He uses "I am", which is present tensed, representing His current state of rest, that He is already now, at home and at rest with His Father, resting in His arms. John 1:18 says that Jesus is at the Father's side, or bosom (depending on your version), and this is the place that Father wants to bring us to.

And so the Father lovingly pursues us. And when the Fatherly Facilitator J invited me to go to Penang, I felt that it was a personal invitation from God. :D

We often pray and invite God to come into our meetings, the truth is, He is already present. It is just that our hearts do not have the capacity to receive Him.

Redemption, means that there was a previous ownership. We were created by God, even before we existed in our mother's wombs, God had us in mind. In His mind, we would be in that perfect place of Eden with no sorrows, or iniquities. God personally breathed His breathe into Adam. It is that level of initmacy that He desires for us. To know Him as our Creator. In us, is His very own breathe.

Did you know about the Mother Heart of God? God has feminine qualities in Him. Verses of how as a hen gather her chicks, as a mother would not forget her nursing child etc. That tenderness of God. It is in our mother's arms whereby we feel safe, where we feel trust.

I had to release forgiveness, and I wept all the pain and sorrow that was so deep. All the lies I bought into for all the years of my existance that I was not good enough. As I cried in the embrace of the ministers, I felt the Love of God in a most tangible way, through the love that these ones expressed. And yes, the words of truth & knowledge that were spoken went straight to the heart.

In one particular session, I just could not engage, but the lady who prayed for me said that this was a safe place, and I am not abandoned. The moment she said that, the floodgates opened. I cried all my fears of being myself, of feeling abandoned by God and by others. And I received that truth into my heart, that I was at a safe place of rest. Safe to be myself. I'm home, Daddy.

I saw visions. Of myself in a green grass field, worshipping God. It was that abundant freedom and joy in the green fields. Where I was with God. Me and God. Singing. We were created for freedom, and that freedom on the inside of my heart gushed out in Joy. :) On the last day I was scared that I would go back to my state of despair in Singapore. But He said that He had already burned His truth in my heart, and I know it. I felt waves and waves of His love flowing in me.

I'm greatly indebted to Uncle J and Aunty V who we stayed with, together with M and S. It was like a family. And on one divine night, Uncle Julian shared abt his experiences as a young adult, and I had a moment with him to share what I had been struggling with for long. And he prayed for me, did not judge me, but prayed for restoration. It amazes me how much God loves me to want me to be free from every area of struggle.

And yes the hugs made all the difference, I felt God's affection and love flowing through me, in particular the hug I received on the last day. The person praying for me told me that God was just pouring out His affection on me.

Beautiful, has been corrupted by the enemy, as we think beauty is of a certain image. But if you look into the eyes of each person, you see beauty. You see the fingerprint of God, and how can anything created in God's image not be beautiful?

I am immensely thankful. :)

Rest in the Father's Love. <3 The Father is ever pursuing us. And He would not leave as as orphans. So open up your heart to receive His love!

Grace

2010-06-13T22:22:00.001+08:00

Fresh from Penang:
Maybe for the first time, i understood grace and mercy as i waved goodbye to Uncle Julian and Aunty Vim. We were not related, we just got to know each other. But yet we received such love and care from them. The hugs we received first thing in the morning, and the last thing at night before we slept. It was like grace was present in the flesh. Something we did not earn or deserve, but we received in abundance. And mercy, yes all those times we should have received a harsh word for our mistakes, but we did not receive. It was true grace and mercy. I teared as i thought of the extravagent love of the Father. I didn't find Him. He found me and was ever seeking me out. It was only that my heart did not have the capacity then to receive it. But now it knows, and it opens wide to receive waves and waves of His goodness and love. I feel like a girl giddily in love with a boy who pursued her extravagently. I feel like a silly girl running into papa's arms to rest. Was this not afterall, all that i was seeking all along?
Yes this is a safe place to rest. And Jesus has prepared many mansions in His house. Home is a safe place where we can be ourselves, be crazy, be silly, afford to fail and know that we would still be loved.

Beautiful Rag Doll

2010-06-01T23:52:00.003+08:00

I went for a seminar last week on the Father's Heart, and I was very blessed as it was an intimate time with God, and also very ministering, as many of my childhood hurts were surfaced. In particular, Zeph 3:17 was quoted to me 3 times. I felt very affirmed.

"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing"

I think it is a whole process of healing, and right after the seminar, more issues seemed to surface through different circumstances. I'm thankful though, that His love is my anchor.

The speaker spoke of the Father who was waiting for his son to come home, and hugged him and kissed him even though the son had earlier wished he was dead so he cld get his inheritance, and furthermore he was smelly cos he hung out with pigs. And another parable abt how the master forgave the servant who owed him 10,000 talents, equivalent to 60 million days of wages, which could never ever be repaid.

A fatherly facilitator came to talk to me, and I seemed to have found special favour in his eyes. :D He invited me for the Father's heart A school conference at Penang next week and offered to let me stay in the apartment with him and his wife. And today I just bought my airtickets! Im flying on the 6th and back on 13th June. Its seriously a time out with God. I am really looking forward to find Him.

God, help me....
Leaning on the Father's embrace.

My Heart

2010-04-24T23:31:00.002+08:00

Today during YWAM training for the Officers, these verses struck me, the Holy Spirit spoke deeply to my heart (there are those ocassions when He does show v clearly abt certain verses).

"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Ps 51

In thinking abt my future, I wonder if staying in humanitarian/community development work is better because it is a greater sacrifice. But it struck me deeply, God is not concerned with my sacrifice, He is concerned with the condition of my heart. An obedient heart. A broken heart.

I know that it would be more noble for me to continue on here. I know that I would sacrifice more of my pay. I know that my work would be meaningful.

But...O..where is my heart...God is concerned with my walk with Him, more so than my sacrifice. I struggle.

I pray that my heart would align with His, my desires would be according to His will. Pls guide me Lord.

It is Yours

2010-02-21T22:25:00.003+08:00

My contract with the organization finishes in end April, and wow...2 years have passed. I have told them that I would not be continuing after that, and I'm not sure that feeling has completely sunk in. Though after I sent that email to my boss, I felt like something died...that I had to let go of something.
I haven't found another job yet, but am thinking of going back to the corporate. After I made this decision, yesterday I spoke to one of the EXCO members who asked me to consider staying. I said that I have decided but I am open to how God will lead me. :D

Why change? I think that being in the corporate helps me to gain certain professional skills that are necessary for tent making and missions overseas. I still love missions and community development, and being on the ground. But I am currently emotionally and spiritually not ready to be based on the ground now (i.e. being based overseas with the people). Being a volunteer also means more liberty and leeway to travel, since I am paying for my own expense.

Having said that, the one thing on the base line I've been trying to do is to let go. Let go...bcos ministry is a heavy responsibility which I feel weighed down by. I need to let go of the ministry back to God. The ministry is His...He would not allow the ministry to collapse because all the work is He's. All the women, children etc. are His.

Funny thing that ever since starting in the Non profit sector, my standard of living and lifestyle has not changed and in fact I am spending more money these days. On haircutting packages, gym, pedicure, facial pdts etc. Whatever happened to that thought that each cent I spend could have helped a child who has no food or education? I don't know...just feel that I cannot make lifestyle choices based on guilt.

And if there's no division between secular and sacred (i.e. marketplace work is just as important as full time), in the same way, full time work also has its mundane admin tasks that are nowhere special or spiritual in a sense. So...
Maybe I don't feel the need for angst anymore of why-am-i-in-a-comfortable-aircon-room-while-the-world is dying. Cos a lot of things are not dependent on what we can do, but on prayer. And it is about that "being" and not about that "doing", in which I live my life as a worship unto God.

Do I still love missions? Yes I do... Still that tugging of the heart seeing photos, being on the ground with the people. Have I become more cynical? I hope not. But I have become more wise...I hope...in realising that a lot of things have its pros and cons, and our best intentions to help people are coupled with its own sets of implications and impact on people on the ground. Am I better off being on the ground then? Even then...any work that is established by mere human effort will not be strong. Whatever it is..the Word seems to be obedience and trust. Is it difficult to let go? Yes it is...

I will be back...whatever and whenever that means..
I am giving God a blank cheque for this season to write in the way He wants... Remembering that He is a God who is kind & sovereign. If it is all God's, what is there about to be angsty? ;)

The song that made me tear, and expresses what I wanted to say.

Yours - Steven Curtis Chapman
I walk the streets of London
And notice in the faces passing by
Something that makes me stop and listen
My heart grows heavy with the cry
Where is the hope for London?
You whisper and my heart begins to soar
As I'm reminded
That every street in London in Yours
Oh, yes it is

I walk the dirt roads of Uganda
I see the scars that war has left behind
Hope like the sun is fading
They're waiting for a cure no one can find
And I hear children's voices singing
Of a God who heals and rescues and restores
And I'm reminded
That every child in Africa is Yours

And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper,
Father and Ruler of everything

And I walk the sidewalks of Nashville
Like Singapore, Manila and Shanghai
I rush by the beggar's hand and the wealthy man
And everywhere I look I realize
That just like the streets of London
For every man and woman, boy and girl
All of creation
This is our Father's world

And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor
And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
You're the Maker and Keeper,
It's all Yours, God
It's all Yours, God

I’ve walked the valley of death’s shadow
So deep and dark that I could barely breathe
I’ve had to let go of more than I could bear
And questioned everything that I believe
But still even here in this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you
And we are Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky
To the depths of the ocean floor

And its all Yours, God, Yours, God
Everything is Yours
All the greatness and power,
the glory and splendor and majesty
Everything is Yours
Yeah, it's all Yours
We are Yours
The glory and honor is Yours, everything is Yours

Dying to myself

2010-01-23T21:49:00.004+08:00

While I was at Padang during one of our devotion times, I had this impression about John the Baptist saying that He who is coming is greater than him (John). And amazingly, as A shared devotions, he referred to John the Baptist, and the promise of Jesus and the Holy Spirit!
When I got back to Singapore, Shir sent me an email about how all that we do is for God's glory and not our own. Like John the Baptist who knew that he was here on earth for a purpose - to prepare the way for Jesus.
When a message is being repeated 3 times, U got to start paying attention to it. I've been thinking about it, and today I understood its meaning!

I had a talk with my boss today, and she affirmed me. She said that she sees me dying to myself, and embracing the vision of another. I was very encouraged when I heard that because I felt that this whole 1 year and 8 months at GB has been a journey of learning servant leadership.

Learning to die to my own ambitions, to embrace God's calling, and to do everything for His glory.
And... in exchange receiving the resurrected life of Jesus.

After a series of almost going and not going to Cambodia, I may be finally really going to Cambodia in late Feb! :) Prayed and told God I'm not going to be the one making the trip happen anymore. If it is Your will, pls open the doors and let people be asking me to go.

P/S Today is exactly 2 years after my parents said yes to my job switch.

Dreaming of authentic christianity...

2009-11-16T13:02:00.005+08:00

Last week I was supposed to go to Cambodia on Thurs, but a sudden turn in events meant I wasn't going. And I could serve in the Banquet of Honour.

The Banquet of Honour is a series of lunches and dinners for the migrant workers- domestic helpers & blue collared workers- to thank them for their service in Singapore, for taking up jobs that are much needed in Singapore. And the bible also teaches us as christians, we are to love the foreigners in our land.
So this took place from Wednesday to Sunday at four different locations.

And because I wasn't going to Cambodia, I could serve on Friday and Sunday night, I know that God must have His agenda for me here.

Friday was amazing, bcos Andrew and I went to Little India before the dinner to look for Bangladeshi people to invite to the dinner. I had 10 tickets, but only 3 filled, so we wanted to find people to come. It reminded me of the Wedding in the bible whereby the Master sent out His servants to bring in the poor to attend the wedding. And the streets were filled with Indians, but amazingly, we found 3 bangladeshis and we invited them to come. Its always been my dream to walk the streets and invite the migrants to come for dinner, so it was so surreal. I'm not sure if they went though, cos I didn't see them at the table, hopefully they came and allocated to other tables?

Anyway at dinner, we were allocated to a table of young men. And one of them was particularly enthusiastic, kept dancing to the music. The Bangladeshis are a very spontaneous and talented bunch. They danced really well, like we were in some Bollywood show(looked like indian dance), and we became the minority amongst them. It was like I was transported to Bangladesh. I think I don't even need to go Bangladesh already- it was that kind of feeling. So we served them chicken, rice, drinks and all, it was really fun scooping rice for them etc. =) It was good seeing them relax and really enjoy themselves.

Since Friday night, whenever I see foreign workers, I feel a total change in mindset. Its no longer like I am one level up or that they are just a grp of foreign workers. They are individuals...people with a culture, with talents who are in our midst.

Sunday night I served with Jon and Shirley for the burmese tables. Our table only had 4 people and it was buffet style, so it was so much slacker. But it was nice chatting with them and serving together. And the burmese are so different from the Bangladeshis, more quiet. It was interesting to see the different cultures.

What was really nice was driving to Little India again later to visit HOME - shirley's spontaneous suggestion, and then to Changi Village, sitting in some hut next to the waves and talking about our plans for International students. Talking past mid night about authentic christianity...heh...God allow us to indulge in sharing and talking and dreaming...

Thankful for the little recharging in the midst of my valley....

What's my intention (2)

2009-11-07T10:32:00.001+08:00

I've been writing proposals and trying to push for exploratory trips overseas. Partners have approached us, some since a long time ago, and we have not yet gone! Most of them want us to run our programme there, or leadership training, or community development. And I really hope that the projects can fly too.
Yesterday as I stopped and reflected, a very sharp thought came to my mind.

Xiaojia, Why are you so keen to go?

I've been feeling frustrated cos I haven't been traveling since June for work, and July for visit to Philippines to see my kid. I yearn again to see the people in the villages, those familiar faces, or new faces, to see the ground.
To revive my tired heart again to feel.
To find God amongst the poor.

My intentions are perhaps less than altruistic. If by going, I would bring more inconvenience to people. If after the initial exploratory trip, and we are not able to follow up on the projects after that- am I then willing to say - Lord, I am willing to stay here, to handle all the administration. I am willing to surrender my pride, to do the unglam work and to wait.

Am I willing?

------

Re-reading Heidi Baker's Book - Always Enough..
Why did I tear when I heard her sharing her testimony live? Why did I tear when I read the book?
I teared not because of how strong or courageous or sacrificial she was. She is.
But I teared because of the faithful God who is always enough. The compassionate God who loves men and women and children that He would go to the dumps, the slums, the villages, places where there is no hope. To seek what was lost.
When I read of testimonies of God multiplying food for example...God provided miraculously.
It reminded me that Heidi is able to do this great work, not because the burden was upon herself to accomplish the work. She is able to do the work because she has caught a glimpse of the Father's Heart.
Surely we will burn out if we depend on ourselves. But we will soar and be joyful, when we serve our El-Shaddai. The God who is always enough.
Do I really know my God?

What's my Intention?

2009-10-28T09:59:00.002+08:00

It has been really kind of hard these days. I've been feeling regular bouts of tiredness and sometimes insommia so that I am not able to fall asleep until some time. I don't really know whats the cause! But on occasions when the veil gets lifted up, I feel God's love, really know it, and joy fills my heart, that I am able to give thanks to God.
The question that He seems to be prompting me is this- What is your motivation for doing what you are doing?
I would say - save lives, help people, eradicate poverty, give people livelihood skills.
These reasons all but give me added pressure, as I think about what I can do, who I need to reply and answer to, and how the project can move.
But if my reason, is all but to let God be glorified, and to be His instrument to serve Him, it becomes such a privilege to partner with my God, for His Kingdom to come on earth.
Sometimes, I'm so caught up that I forget, the one who really loves His people is none other then God.
I pray to be able to see from His perspective, how He is moving in lives, and how He is moving into different nations and projects. That He is not just a part of the project, but He is everything about the project. He is the one who initiates, the one who would carry it through and sustain it. He is everything. And His people are the ones He loves.
So that I may stop angsting about why person A is not replying me, and what I should reply to person B. If only I may know He is in control of the situations.
The problem is, I don't seem to have that faith to believe. Its a cycle that seems to perpetuate.. And then sometimes I shoot myself down for not being resilient enough to overcome these issues, because afterall, I'm not facing life and death issues. Compared to Paul who went through sufferings, hardships, imprisonment, what are my problems compared to him? But I shouldn't even be angsting about this, because when I start focusing on what I can do/overcome, it becomes my self effort all over again.
Its really a daily battle of my mind, but yet a rest of my heart, in His sovereign grace over my life and over the world.
That's amidst so many beautiful and wonderful testimonies of seeing God's hand at work in the projects, and new things happening at church, and lives transformed.
That emptiness or chasing after the wind or that sense of how our works are like filty rags before a righteous God.
No matter how many good works, whether it is migrant workers (Banquet of Honour coming up, yay), or social enterprise, or micro businesses, or mission trips, they are empty. If not for the perspective of why we are doing what we are doing. And for whom. And then knowing that afterall, God doesn't need us to work for Him.
Pls help me dear God, because faith is a mustard seed.

Grace

2009-10-13T23:01:00.003+08:00

Went for a talk on reaching International students last week, but instead the speaker spoke mostly about grace.

Grace= I want to, not cos I have to or I ought to. (in terms of serving, praying, reading bible etc etc)
Do I serve God because I want to?
When u first know the Lord, u ask people what do I have to do? Read bible? Pray?
When u know God better, u are convicted that these are things u ought to do.
When u know God's grace, u want to do because u really enjoy doing these things.

In John, Jesus asked Peter, do you love (agape) me 2 times, and on the third time He asked, do you love (phileo) me? Do u, Peter, like me? The speaker pointed out its actually easier to love someone than to like someone! Do I like being with Jesus, do I enjoy His company? ;)

Its only this 1 year I think that I began to understand grace. Grace is so paradoxical. Grace gives me the confidence to come into God's presence, and the self worth as I meet people. But it is because I recognize that I am broken, ragged and so sinful. It is God's grace and love so deep that accepts me. Grace looks at the sin beneath your good, but God still loves u anyway. Paradoxical because if I were to look at myself and think of what I can do, and how I can improve, immediately I lose this grace and I feel defeated because in me there is nothing. Its like I need not strive but I rest in God's love for me. I don't always feel that way though, because I am prone to want to do something to earn God's love and to please Him with regards to work and ministry.

Its extremely difficult in a performance driven society to believe in Grace- His unconditional abundant love. When the world bombards you with what you must or must not do. When the church or christians are not full of grace towards you. Somehow Grace always comes with the word "but". U are loved, "but" you need to blah blah blah. Real grace is always radical.

Whats the "but" here? There must be some catch. Actually I don't think its a "but". Its really "and". Grace is freely given. "And" we love others cos we want to, not because we have to.

Actually it makes me think that a lot of things I am doing is cos I feel I ought to. I ought to help the poor, I ought to evangelise, I ought to do missions..
Is that bad though? Because I believe there are times we don't FEEL like doing stuff. I think as long as we are not doing stuff so that we will be justified. Well ofcos, it makes me wonder abt my motivation for working in the non profit, christian work.

Servant leadership

2009-07-26T20:48:00.014+08:00

Yesterday during P&D service at GB, we sang this song, and one of the lyrics was "Christ and service".

I felt a sudden lump in my throat because suddenly I understood how Christ and service linked together.

In Feb, Shir told me that I need to be broken before I can be used by God. How true.

This journey has helped me to understand what a servant is = a servant has no rights of his/her own, and he seeks to please the master.

However, being a servant is different from having a servant spirit. A pastor said, you can tell servant from servant spirit only when you're slighted. How will u react? The way to have a servant spirit is to be grateful. Everyone can be a servant because of his/her position. A servant has to work for the master, and tasked to do certain things, and one may do things in a grudging manner. But to truly have a servant spirit, one serves with thankfulness. A servant may be serving under fear, i.e. fear of how others will see him/her, while someone with a servant spirit serves with love. Truly he is not serving because he is afraid of what people will say, but serving to bless others, because he has known the love of the Master.

Then coming to servant leader- A servant leader becomes a leader so that he/she can serve others.

The leader serves with humility, meekness and submission. It is so important to be humble and broken before God. And sometimes it takes a lot of experience to break us before we learn humility. But this is different from being of low self esteemed. The leader carries an authority and boldness that comes from Christ.

It has been a difficult journey learning submission and love for others. To bless when people talk you down. To pray for the ones who slight you. To love the people who are difficult to love. Yes, it is that inner posture of the heart towards others. And yes, it is about CHRIST and SERVICE. Because Christ first came to serve and love us. And not everyone understood His love. He was taunted, stripped and beaten. But love kept Him on the cross.

Heaven

2009-06-28T22:18:00.003+08:00

I finished C.S. Lewis's The Problem of Pain, and I liked these parts in his discourse on Heaven.
Its an insightful perspective, beyond sitting on clouds and playing harps:

(1) That yearning and desire of your soul.......that will be fulfilled in heaven....

"Again, you have stood before some landscape, which seems to embody what you have been looking for all your life; and then turned to the friend at your side who appears to be seeing what you saw- but at the first words a gulf yawns between you, and you realise that this landscape means something totally different to him, and that he is pursuing an alien vision and cares nothing for the ineffable suggestion by which you are transported...Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it- tantalising glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear...It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasible want...

Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it- made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand."

(2) That needing to let go of the things you love, because if you hold on to it, you find that it becomes elusive. But when you are able to surrender, love grows. Have u ever wanted really something badly? I find that the more I try to control it, the more it evades me.

"The thing itself has never actually been embodied in any thought or image or emotion. Always it has summoned you out of yourself. And if you will not go out of yourself to follow it, if you sit down to brood on the desire and attempt to cherish it, the desire itself will evade you...The thing you long for summons you away from the self. Even the desire for the thing lives only if you abandon it. This is the ultimate law- the seed dies to live, the bread must be cast upon the waters, he that loses his soul will save it. But the life of the seed, the finding of the bread, the recovery of the soul, are as real as the preliminary sacrifice. "

Power in the secular world?

2009-05-16T22:19:00.004+08:00

Decided to write a post before I leave for Philippines tmr. As you know by now, my other blog is usually more frivalous and updates of my life.

I've been wanting to blog about AWARE, even though as a friend pointed out, the topic has been discussed Ad nauseam. I guess I still want to put in my 2 cents worth.

I have not been reading too much about what christians or non christians have been writing in their blogs. But one particular email caught my attention, by this lady who said she was crying non-stop as she took a cab home from the AWARE EGM. She was burdened and sad about what happened at the EGM. In her email, she mentioned that the secular and religious cannot be separate because we as christians, live our lives and beliefs in the secular. And she asked, where were the young adult christians, and why didn't they stand up for Christ.

This got me thinking. The reason is, I have been telling people that the newbies are using the wrong platform to make their religious beliefs known. Upon reading the email, it provoked thoughts within me- because, it is also my belief that we do not segregate the religious and the secular as christians. We are to live as salt and light in the world. Did we miss out an opportunity to stand up for Christ? Have the Singaporean christians retreated in light of "persecution"? I always questioned if Singaporean Christians could endure persecution in light of our comfortable lives.

But amongst the complex thoughts that were within me, it dawned upon me, what I was uncomfortable with was not the platform, but it was the spirit behind which it was being done.

I was uncomfortable when emails started circulating to ask christians to make a stand and join AWARE, and support the newbies. Since when did it become a war to win or lose control?

And then after chatting with another friend, I remembered this post that I wrote long time ago on Hiding Behind the Cross. Yes we can be involved in politics and secular organizations. But as christians, we serve with love and humility- that is the power of the cross. But we have become "militant" and self righteous in our beliefs. And that was exactly the problem with the Pharisees!

No doubt well-meaning, and yes, as christians, we make a stand for our beliefs. But we ought to do it in love. And it is not about being in positions of power so that we can control. It is as Christ loved when He came, identifying with the weak.

Tim Chester - "Christian ministry is not conducted through political power or media influence. It is conducted in the upside down, unpredictable power of the cross. It is conducted through weakness and dishonour."
"The church as the church should not seek power or influence in a secular sense. Instead it should seek opportunities to serve the world. As the church follows the way of the cross, it must choose 'participation in the powerlessness of God in the world'. It stands with the weak and the powerless. It speaks on behalf of those whose voice is not heard. It seeks justice for the poor."

We are ofcos, talking about a different group from the poor. Talking about homosexuals is delicate. My stand- I believe that homosexuality, i.e. the action (sexual) is a sin- as quoted in different parts of the bible. But, homosexuality, i.e. the inclination to like someone of the same gender, is a much more complexed issue. Its more complexed than telling the person that he/she can be changed through prayer, deliverance and counseling. Because some of them struggle a lot with being different from the world, facing a lot of rejection and hurts- esp caused by the church's condemnation of them. Research has not been clear cut whether it is nature or nurture that causes one's homosexual inclination. If we do not rule out nature (i.e. because of our sin, even though in God's perfect will, He meant for us to have perfect bodies), it means that a homosexual may not be able to change in his/her inclination.

Though, when I shared this with another friend, she felt that it could not be nature, since God's commandments were against homosexuality, how could one then be created a homosexual?

I don't have the answers. But the crux of the matter is this. It is complexed, and we should not be dismissive in our attitudes. For how then do they seek God's love, if the church comes across as rejecting them? Many of them live with hurts and rejection.

Hence, we should be praying FOR them, and not praying AGAINST them. We should serve and demonstrate Christ's love. Lest we forget the plank in our own eye, and forget that we also struggle with all sorts of sins in our sinful nature.

Spirit Filled Cross Life

2009-03-28T23:16:00.003+08:00

I was so happy on Sunday night that something quite unheard of happened in the church. =P Pastor Ed talked about being filled in the Spirit. And we prayed for people to be filled in the Spirit. I felt the sweet embrace of God. But I also felt the "anointing" seems stronger in CHC, and the whole experience of worship still seems more intensed there. So was wondering if there was more...if the church should be going even deeper...and whether such worship should be a weekly affair thing during sunday service, rather than only during a special prayer meeting.

This provoked a lot of thoughts within. Pastor Ed shared that there is a difference betw Spirit giftedness and Spirit filled, that the gift of the Spirit must be cradled by the fruits of the Spirit. I have seen it going wrong all too often when our faith is shallow, and our boldness is presumptuous. What does it really mean to be Spirit filled? And how is it manifested when we are? Is it about being slained in the Spirit, feeling the warmth and crying? Or was it like Sunday night, just a sweet peace and an embrace that was felt? Part of me thinks there should be more anointing, more slaying, more supernatural etc. But that seems to be looking towards the gifts and the supernatural rather than towards God.

My friend who comes from a conservative background asked me what it feels like when someone is being filled with the Spirit. I realised what Pastor Ed meant when he said we are a bridge betw the charismatics and the conservatives. Because, maybe due to our different personalities and backgrounds, it is impossible to throw a conservative into a charismatic church and expect him to experience God in the same way. So while I think the worship is not charismatic enough, or that people should speak in tongues, or that the church should emphasise the Holy Spirit more, I realise that is due to my charismatic backgrd.

Distinctly, when I went up to pray for a deeper experience with God, I felt He said one thing- that the gift comes with a price. The price of the cross. The cross life.

Interestingly, I was listening to CHC's latest worship album, and I really liked this song:

God of my forever
God of my youth I remember
Your call on my life took me o’er
Your love has seen me through all my days
I stand here by Your grace
On this altar I’ve written my life
Tells of a story I have with You my Lord
I want the world to know

Chorus
God of my forever
And forever I’m with You
My life is saved with a price
Your sacrifice redeemed my soul
God of my forever
And forever I will sing
My greatest honor will always be
To serve my Lord and King

Verse 2
God of my all I’ve surrendered
My heart finds its rest in Your word
Praises will not be enough to show
How my love for You has grown
Nothing matters when You’re here with me
In the end just to hear You say “Well done”
Bowing before Your throne

Bridge
Forever and ever
Jesus You alone in glory reign
Forever and ever
With You I walk this narrow way

---------
And yeah, I think the song writers in CHC are really gifted with the anointing to write great lyrics and music. And these really help to draw people into worship.
But as I examined the lyrics further, some of these caught my attention:
"God of my all I’ve surrendered
My heart finds its rest in Your word"

I think nowadays, when I sing a song, other then this heartfelt emotional thing with God, I also consider what the lyrics really mean. And what does it mean to say I've surrendered...what it means my greatest love is God etc etc....
Because sometimes due to the emotional feel of the music, it is so easy to be singing along with great lyrics. But these words actually carry a lot of weight and meaning to it..
So in that sense, I really appreciate hymms too. Though the tune may be quite dull sometimes, it helps one to meditate on the lyrics.

And we may tend to be presumptuous in our singing...like Peter who told God, I will never deny You. Because he didn't understand what his promise to God really meant...and what the Cross life is really about.

Listening to God's Call

2009-02-24T16:02:00.000+08:00

I went to a talk by a missionary couple on Sunday, and something that the speaker said stuck me-
He said people don't leave the missions field because they have heard the wrong calling. Sometimes it is not because of wrong calling, but because of our immaturity. Inability to handle hardship, and challenges. We face even more spiritual warfare on the missions field. And we must pray that we will only leave when God calls us to leave.

Another thing-
People don't pray about becoming engineers or doctors. Society says that these are possible paths to take, and so we just study engineering in the university.
Why do people then pray about becoming missionaries? The truth is that whatever route we choose to take, we must be called. If people will really listen, much more people are called to go into the missions field. Its not because God hasn't called, it is because people are not listening.

Would God fault you for doing something voluntary for Him? i.e. saving souls in the missions field?

-------------------------------
It was quite thought provoking listening. And thought that perhaps I should start asking and praying again about the future. I'm on a 2 year contract here, and I've finished 9 mths plus. Not sure what's next.
The question again is about the general calling vs the specific calling.
General calling being- Go forth and make disciples of all the nations. God has already called.
vs the Specific calling of where to go, what to do, when to go etc.

With God's blessing of a wonderful gift recently, I am thinking if he may indeed be leading me towards being based in the missions field.
May we have the courage to pursue what He called us to do.

God loves you a lot

2009-02-13T17:59:00.001+08:00

Today I had a meeting with an artist who is doing some paintings for us for fund raising. As we were talking, he started speaking to me and said I have dirty laundry that I need to clean. Things are very messy. And there are also choked pipes in my life. Then he described my situation in the office, that I always care about others and not about myself. I end up being on the receiving end. God knows what is going on & God cares. I started tearing as he talked, cos it was something so personal to me. And even now as I recount, tears are also welling up in my eyes. He went on to say there was an angel behind me comforting me.

Just 2 nights ago, I prayed and asked God- where are You? He has answered this prayer of mine with a very clear answer from his messenger.

As we left the meeting, he said- "God loves you a lot. God loves you a lot."

All yearnings lead us back to God

2009-01-31T23:44:00.003+08:00

I am kind of happy cos I reached a mini plateau of sorts. :DEverything that happened in the past kind of now make sense. How the people I met, the experiences I had- all link up together.All the yearnings and longings I had. All the people I met in different seasons of my life. Thank God for bringing them into my life. And even if some episodes were painful, I understand now what I was really looking for.I was looking for God. All the longings point back to the yearning for God. His gentleness, His mercy, His love, His kindness, His understanding. =)

I was reading this book - Love Beyond Reason. It highlighted this verse in Romans:"For creation was subjected to futility, not of its own will but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to decay and will obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God"

John Ortberg said: "God knew that after the Fall we would try to set up other gods, try to give our lives to the pursuit of pleasure or wealth or power or status. So he said that one of the results of the Fall would be that none of these things would be able to bring us 'soul satisfaction'."
Actually...all my yearnings lead me to God.

I had an amazing experience yesterday. The night before I was praying and God showed me what was in my heart. The next day, Shir smsed me and asked me what I really wanted.

Told her I just want to love Jesus.

I teared cos I knew God remembered me. And I am the bride of Christ.

This is really a season of loving the Lord my God with all my heart, soul and mind =)

How to Love the unLoved

2009-01-23T23:49:00.007+08:00

Something else clicked after a chat with a friend on thursday- the reason we have a heart for the poor, may not necessarily be a calling. But the poor and oppressed help us know the heart of God.

That which touches my heart is not- how this person has such a heart and burden for the poor. I admire that. But I am moved to tears when I see people sacrificially ministering His love because I see God through them. Only God would stir these hearts to love in such a manner and it is His mighty hand and sovereign plan, but yet we partner with Him to implement change. I capture the love of God when a person would love despite being rejected. That one would sit at the streets and be with the poor because God Himself is sitting at the streets with them daily, reaching out His hand to them. A person would risk his life for the gospel to preach in unreached places, learn unknown languages, because of the love He inspired in the heart. God first laid down His life for His sheep. He did it first, for everyone.

It is not humanely possible to identify with people, and not put them down at a lower level. In order to move from sympathy to pure genuine love, is when we are captivated by the heart of God. Then we love out of love that overflows from the Master.

What happened was not that He suddenly gave me a heart for the poor. What happened was I caught His heart for the poor.

It is the same for loving people who are different from us, loving different races, loving our neighbours. We love because He first loved.

Held by His grace

2009-01-10T22:44:00.003+08:00

Last thursday we had devotions at work, and I it was my turn to lead it. I didn't know what to share about, but remembered Pastor Edmund's msg on New Year's day at the City Solemn assembly about victory, and standing in God given land, not living in defeat. And what God had spoken personally to me, about sin and how it hindered us from intimacy with Him.

I closed in prayer, and suddenly felt led to pray for my colleague who was going for an op. After that during lunch, she told me she had wanted to ask for prayers abt the op, but didn't. And she was so touched that I prayed for her that she cried! And she and some other colleagues said the devotion was good.

Thank God for such a divine appointment, though not a big matter, it has certainly helped to open doors and pave the way for more unity and love between us in the office. I am thankful.

Thankful for my friendship esp with Mun in the office, as I find that there is a breakthrough, i.e. I can be myself and laugh heartily and sometimes be the silly girl that I really am on the inside.
Thankful that on Tues, I had dinner with him, 2 other ex colleagues, and Jo who is based in Cambodia for 2 years and back for a break. Oh surely God has granted me favour with these and helped me thru my difficult time. It is as what He had spoken to me in Kalimantan-
2 Corinthians1:8
"8 For we do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, of our trouble which came to us in Asia: that we were burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life. 9 Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead, 10 who delivered us from so great a death, and does* deliver us; in whom we trust that He will still deliver us..."

I am so humbled in the past 8 months, and continue to be so humbled, bcos I feel so totally inadequate, and it is only God who has delivered me. Yet I feel that I am walking in His will. And at other times, He seems so silent, but I see such grace and open doors with people and situations that I know it is He who has delivered.

I could identify with Loren Cunningham in his book that I'm reading now, so kindly given by Ed, Is that really you God? He said this "God was giving us a chance to give greater honor to Him by letting our dream die so that He could resurrect it". In choosing betw God, and the ship (= the dream and vision that God had given him), he chose God. He chose to let the dream die.
I've not reached the part whereby the dream is resurrected yet. But therein lies an impt principle- that God is more concerned with our intimacy and our walk with Him, than with the success of our ministries. I rather choose God than the ministry.
In the months that follow, God seemed silent to Loren.
In the months that follow my rejection of the World Vision job, God seemed silent, and it was painful, when I had clearly heard of His call through His word and affirmation from others.
In the months that follow my starting work at GB, though it was very clearly a door opened by God, God seemed silent.
But yet in all these, I know...He is drawing me near to Him, bcos He is more concerned about setting me free, for me to be His daughter than He is with the ministry.
So yes, I see Grace. And I am upheld by His grace, and His mighty hand is upon me every step.

Thank you Lord.

Welcome 2009

2009-01-01T18:05:00.004+08:00

Went for the Solemn Assembly today to pray for the city on the 1/1/09. God's work spoke to me. Pastor Ed reminded us "victory is mine, when the battle is the Lord's", so we are to Make a decisive stand on God given ground for a God given victory.

In order to prevent presumptuousness, we tend to swing to the other extreme, thinking that we are to live in survival mode. But wow, God has already won the battle, and He has given us ground. This was really the crux for me, I think there was some sort of a break through.

I had to repent of my small mindedness in God. Repent of being so distracted by so many things. My heart is so unrested. Yesterday at my first watchnight service with the RAYS, I prayed to God, but still felt unrested. It was only today, whereby He showed me this whole verse. It answered my ques on where's that sense of JOY.

Psalm 51
For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts [a] ;
you teach [b] me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are [c] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Some say because Jesus has bore our sins past present and future on the cross, we do not need to seek repentance. But I think we repent before God not because Jesus's work is not complete. Rather, there remains a chasm between God and ourselves, when there is sin, that affects the intimacy between us. Even if I were to confess my righteousness before Him, something is not right on the inside. He desires truth on the inward parts.

I think that God is calling me to come back to this heart of worship. And I pray that He may be my all sufficiency and satisfy the longings in my heart.

Took a walk at the beach today. There was a light drizzle, but it was soothing and peaceful sitting there as usual, committing the year to God.

A faint rainbow marked the horizons.

It was rainy, but there was light on top of me. :)

Thanksgiving 2008

2008-12-31T17:26:00.002+08:00

Thank God for (very summarised):

Family-
Miraculous change in my parents attitude towards me working in an NGO!
Parents getting more involved in church ministry
Mum starting a blog to tell others about God!

Spiritual Growth-
Fear of the Lord and not of men (still work in progress...)
I can't but God can. It is God who delivers and will deliver again
The Father heart of God, Jesus who understands my pain and sympathizes with my weaknesses
God is the healer of my broken heart- Jesus Himself came and heal up the wounds in my heart

Ministry-
Introduction to GBG ministry and radical community!
God in the dark alleys
God is the one who works in the lives of the people- when the mighty humble themselves! Saw how He moved and changed the hearts of my DG members

Work-
It was humbling. Through criticisms and different working styles, I was forced to find my identity- I needed to know who I am in Christ.
In the midst of uncertainty and seemingly impossible situations, I needed to know God's identity- who is God?
He is the God of justice. The God who will provide! And He is the intimate Father God.
And I am His child, secure in Him. Created in the way He made me to be.

What is faith all about?

2008-12-04T22:39:00.003+08:00

My sis passed me a copy of Harvest Times to read, it happened to have a lot of features on missions and humanitarian work that CHC was doing. I was glad to read it, to hear the expanding ministries and I celebrate the wonderful things that God has been doing through the ministry. :) A teeny whiney part of me misses that kind of faith that I found in the church, to believe God for anything, to pray boldly in the Spirit, to worship God in tongues, to see visions and signs and wonders. Afterall, our God is still alive, and shdn't we be in expectancy of His great works?
The balance me now has learnt of "presumptuous faith" and suffering. With that in mind, I know that even in the most difficult seasons whereby there is seemingly little or no growth, God is still at work and He is sovereign. He has His reasons for not allowing certain things to happen, and He has His timings at work.

So how does the balance me operate with that FAITH bit, that believes and asks and receives? Sometimes I miss just that sense of being so presumptuous and bold.

Balance me has helped me a lot though, in terms of disappointments. That it is not altogether always celebratory.
I find myself asking though- Where is that joy? That sense of expectancy...that sense of faith in God?
Don't get me wrong balance is not faithlessness.
Yet there is a need for myself to reconcile all that is happening in my life & in the world.
To have that sense of faith and expectancy.

The Lord is my Shepherd

2008-11-07T23:22:00.002+08:00

I was listening to Dennis Jernigan's The Lord is my Shepherd.

The Lord being my Shepherd gave new meaning to me..
As I experienced lying down in green pastures and my soul being restored. In spite of the physical tiredness. =) A peace amidst the stress.

Words by: King David (scripture adaptation by D.J.)
Music: Dennis Jernigan
The Lord is my Shepherd
I shall not want
He makes me lie down,
down in green pastures
He leads me beside quiet waters

He restoreth my soul
O how he guides me in the paths,
paths of His wonderful righteousness all,
All for His names' sake

Even though I may walk
through the valley of death
I shall not fear
For Thou are with me-For Thou are with me
And You have lifted me up in the
midst of my enemies
I shall not fear
For Thou art with me-Thou art with me

Thy rod and Thy staff,
how they comfort me
Annointing my head with Thine oil
Oil of Thy love, oil of Thy power...
My cup overflows

Surely thy goodness and mercy
shall follow my days
All of my life...
Thou art with me-Thou art with me
And I will dwell in Thine in
Thy holy light in Thine arms forever
Thou art with me-Thou art with me

找自己

2008-10-13T00:48:00.003+08:00

Got back from Indonesia today about 1045pm. =) It was a very tight trip, and I was stressed before and during the trip. But one gem of a thing, I managed to have very good fellowship time with my boss- the president. I am so immensely thankful, being able to open up to her abt my challenges at work, and giving her feedback abt certain things, and having her tell me her expectations abt diff things. I'm glad we cld talk freely.

We stayed in the village for one night, it was something new for me...in a sense..I've stayed in other villagers before in China. But this time the roads were really near, and our neighbouring houses near to us. I cld see fr my window villagers chatting outside in the night, hear the honking of cars, and the blasting of music from vehicles and so on. It was a little scary in fact. The curtains were like flimsy pieces of cloth that din even cover the village house fully.

This morning we went to a small church, and as I was singing the second worship song, tears begin to flow down my eyes. Didn't know what touched me, the song was in Bahasa Indonesian, and I didn't understand a word....but I felt there was such a hunger for God in the place. And at the airport, my boss said she also teared at the same time, and it was about "intercession". Wow, the word exactly captured how I felt at that time.

Honestly, I do not feel a lot for Indonesia. The only country thus far that I "feel" a lot for is China. It reminds me a bit of what my fren said, he says he doesn't feel particularly for the marginalized, he doesn't even know what is his calling, he is just doing what the bible calls him to do. I think so. I am just doing what the bible says to do. And catching a glimpse here and there of God's heart for His people.

I need to find back myself....today we had such an open conversation, that I shared w my boss how I gave up bonuses that cld come up to 12mths, to join GB. I didn't say it to show off or to impress her, neither did I share it with regret. It was more like sharing my heart with her. There's layers covering my heart, and I need to dig deeper on the inside, what I really think about things, who I really am...

I think I may not end up being a missionary based in the third world, the greater measure is not that. The measure is our obedience to God's calling, following passionately after Him. Not what we can do FOR Him, but what we can do WITH Him, abiding in Him. Honestly I find it tough to tell God- Yr will Lord. Or to tell Him that I am willing, send me. I find it increasingly tough to pray and sing such words. If we really are willing, it takes a lot to be following after Christ.
Yah...I think I need to find back myself, and who He has created me to be. For only then I will be happy in Him, happy with myself....And not live in fears abt other people's expectations, or hurrying myself to be doing things I can't do....

A story of incarnate love

2008-10-03T12:16:00.002+08:00

Although I had visited the clinic and knew the ministry there since abt 4 mths back, I had not mustered enough courage to "walk the streets" as they call it. To befriend, talk to and pray for the people.

The house church is located at Geylang Road, where they pray and meet daily. On Wednesdays, they have a worship time and then they walk the streets. After worshipping for abt an hr odd, we went to the street in 2 grps.

I went with a grp of about 8 to the "Indian" streets, unsure of what was to happen. We squeezed past crowds of migrant workers, walked past a street of gambling tables ( I swear I only saw those in HK TV dramas). Along the streets were rows of women standing/ sitting down. We came to a grp of ladies, and someone asked if they wanted prayer. They said yes, and another embraced one of them, and another held another's hand. And before long, we were all standing in the circle, in the middle of the dark dinky alley- Praying.

Jesus was there though. I felt like He was walking with us in the streets. He wasn't just there when we walked. He was there, walking with them daily.

I asked S if she wanted prayer. She hugged me and laid her head on my shoulders. I thought she didn't understand, and asked again. Again, she hugged me. I prayed for her- for healing, for God's love. And at the end of the prayer, I asked her to call to Jesus, to tell Jesus what is in her heart. Soon after she said she gotto go, as there was business coming. It stirred my heart with a mixture of feelings.

But I knew Jesus loved each one of these. The bible came alive as I read Isaiah that night when I got home- of healing broken hearts, of setting the captives free, of bringing light into the darkness. There it was, in the dark alleys, incarnate love. Jesus walked and fellowshipped with the tax collectors and the prostitutes on earth. Jesus came to die for these ones. God wants to redeem these lives, each woman created uniquely and beautifully in His image.

I have a feeling that this is how christianity is meant to be. Christianity, according to the bible, is radical.

Four Loves

2008-09-28T19:06:00.002+08:00

"Need-love cries to God from our poverty; Gift-love longs to serve, or even to suffer for, God; Appreciative love says: 'We give thanks to thee for thy great glory.'
Need-love says of a woman 'I cannot live without her'; Gift-love longs to give her happiness, comfort, protection- if possible, wealth; Appreciative love gazes and holds its breath and is silent, rejoices that such a wonder should exist even if not for him, will not be wholly dejected by losing her, would rather have it so than never to have seen her at all."

- C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Thankful for being able to experience Gift Love and Appreciative Love. Though when one loves, I think we cannot escape fr having some form of Need-Love. Somehow, maybe, it is inevitable. Cos if one just gives and appreciates, then there is no need for the person, and it is quite sad isn't it! But wow, being able to release someone in love, to just hold the person in appreciation, and to give of oneself for the better of other. =P

Synergy in Mission Organizations

2008-09-13T21:31:00.003+08:00

I found this website on the progress of the Gospel in the world. It shows the percentage of peoples group still unreached at 41.3%. Joshua Project
(Unreached = A people group among which there is no indigenous community of believing Christians with adequate numbers and resources to evangelize this people group. The original Joshua Project editorial committee selected the critieria less than 2% Evangelical Christian and less than 5% Christian Adherents.)
There's quite a lot of useful info in the website. Amazes me on the depth of research and the amt of thought that went into this.

Through my job and others, I've come across many missions agencies and churches who are passionate about reaching the lost, and also came across many christian agencies with a social mission. This is definitely very edifying and encouraging. =)

My 2 cents worth of thought- some of these organizations should combine effort instead of re-inventing the wheel. How powerful it will be if there was synergy. Like for example World Vision & Compassionate are good at child sponsorship programmes, YWAM is good at missions training, Habitat is good at building houses for the poor, each one having the expertise to complement one another...and so on and so forth, likewise in the field of medical missions, micro businesses etc. :P Sometimes the organization may not be present in a certain area of the world and u have to do some re-invention. But in cases where partnership is possible, there's so much synergy that can be harnessed from it.

Chking motives is impt, like why are we starting this thing, can we partner with someone else who has the expertise, and is our motivation really to benefit the community or to expand our territory of influence? Doesn't make sense that the social sector already has very few resources for us to be competing with each other for resources.

Though I must say, starting my own organization has been on my mind on and off. Check check check....is it cos I can't submit to authority? Do I really have something that I can offer that is not already available in the mkt? I must admit though, that having my own organization allows more flexibility and control over the vision and mission.

Ajith Fernando in his book Jesus Driven Ministry, says he grows uneasy when people say they want to have their ministry in every city of our nation or in every country in Asia. Rather, the one with godly ambition should pray that if "someone else does what we were hoping to do, we will be satisfied."

When the mighty are broken

2008-09-13T00:01:00.003+08:00

Last year when I felt God's prompting that it may be time to start serving in ministry again, I was hoping to lead a youth discipleship group of say 18-22 years old. But I was asked to lead a discipleship group of ladies ard my age, consisting of lawyers & scholars, more than half of whom come from RGS. ;p I felt super inadequate and apprehensive.

The past few weeks have been encouraging. I tell u, when the mighty ones humble themselves and are broken before God, when He speaks to us about fault lines in our lives. And thank God, for authentic sharing, and guess what, we identify similar issues because we came from similar education background! Of being efficient, busy people. Needing to centre down on God, needing to humble ourselves before Him, and surrender our futures into His hand. Learning to not strive so hard for men's praises, but to strive for His praise. Learning that we do not need to be perfect to be loved. Learning uncertainty, and being joyful in it, trusting that He is in control.

So many lessons to be learnt. ;p I'm so glad we are in this together. I am humbled, and thankful. That God answered my prayers. Been praying for our group and for a breakthrough, that we may share authentically with each other. Glad that He, in His own mighty and personal way, convicted each of our hearts individually. Glad that He, would choose to bring us together in a group bcos of our similar experiences. Glad that He, would break us down, so that we can be mighty not in the sight of men but in Him. Glad that He encouraged me in this ministry, that He is the one who leads His people, and I just got to pray and obey Him.

And so....the challenges that arise in ministry never cease, but His grace is ever sufficient...and His Spirit continues to move and convict. =)

And yah...at this time when I am very physically tired, and weary in my soul, He knows His ways to encourage. Thank You Lord.

Show me Your heart

2008-09-07T22:16:00.004+08:00

I picked up my guitar that I had not been playing for a while and worshipped God just now. I sang a lot of the songs I used to sing in the past. Yeah...I miss worshipping God with these songs:

1) THERE IS A PLACE IN YOUR HEART
I AM LONGING TO FIND
WON'T YOU SHOW ME
THERE IS A PLACE I KNOW
I CAN RUN TO AND HIDE
WON'T YOU SHOW ME
SHOW ME
SHOW ME
SHOW ME YOUR HEART

2) I WANT TO SING
UNTIL I AM LOST IN YOUR LOVE
TILL I'M FOUND IN YOUR PRESENCE
WORSHIPPING BEFORE YOUR THRONE
MOVE BY YOUR SPIRIT
ENTERING INTO YOUR FLOW
HOW PRECIOUS THIS MOMENT
LORD I WANT YOU TO KNOW

IT'S YOU, YOU WHO HAVE WON MY HEART
TAKEN ME INTO YOUR ARMS
COMFORTED ME LIKE A FRIEND
YOUR LOVE
SURROUNDED ME FROM THE START
I NEVER WANT TO BE APART
FROM YOU EVER AGAIN

I was very touched, bcos God showed me that I loved Him and wanted to know His heart. And I guess I had created a separation betw CHC and post CHC me. Yet, the CHC me, told God that I loved Him earnestly. Albeit untested. But yes, with all sincerity wanting to honour Him.
Just like Pastor Edmund said when he told his wife he loved her 20 years ago when they got married that she loved her with all sincerity, now his love for her is many times more.

I think I can worship again....

Through different ones that He somehow prompted and led to speak to me, esp yesterday night's talk with Ed showed me how much God loved me. Not just love me, but my identity in Christ is precious. I'm thankful that he had the courage to obey God to speak to me, even though it was difficult and painful. Which makes it all the more precious, that God would arrange for divine settings and encounters, bcos we are precious enough for Him to do so.

Part of the reason why I am so tired, I guess....is bcos I think that it is never enough. More souls to save, more things to do and not everyone will get healed or get saved. It tires me out thinking abt that.
But yet, each ernest surrender, each desire to do His will...He knows. And most of all, it was never about our giving. It was about HIS giving.
So He can heal the past. He can take away the condemnation abt being not-enough, not doing enough, and rewrite the results of wrong decisions.

I am deeply thankful for the love shown to me. And i surrender to Him again. It was never about my surrender but His sacrifice. It is a mixture of pain & joy. Pray that I may know His love. And through this knowing, know that He will take care of the one(s) I love.

It's hard to be like Jesus

2008-09-04T10:49:00.002+08:00

Came across this article by Philip Yancey.
Thought it was quite thought provoking.
http://www.christianitytoday.com/tc/2005/003/1.42.html

In my visits to churches overseas, one difference from North American Christians stands out sharply: their view of hardship and suffering. We who live in an age of unprecedented comfort seem obsessed with the problem of pain. Skeptics mention it as a major roadblock to faith, and believers struggle to come to terms with it. Prayer meetings in the U.S. often focus on illnesses and requests for healing. Not so elsewhere.
I asked a man who visits unregistered house churches in China whether Christians there pray for a change in harsh government policies. After thinking for a moment, he replied that not once had he heard a Chinese Christian pray for relief...

Something that never changes

2008-08-09T22:50:00.004+08:00

I went to the gym today, spent a good time there. And then read a book. Just wanted to spend some time out with God. Decided to do something impromptu, went to the East Coast Beach, the location where I always went to pray and reflect. But I haven't been there since we moved in Dec last year.

It was nice seeing the crowds of families and friends cycling, skating, picnics and chilling out. =) And most of all, it was nice to stand on the sand again, close to the sea. The construction behind my fave spot had been completed, and there were now nice alfresco restaurants. One day I shall go there to grab a drink and chill out. The feelings came back, the prayers and thoughts I had raised in the past standing at that spot. About changing church, relationships, God's plan for my life etc. I remember God spoke to me last year about new beginnings, after 1 year plus break from ministry. I remember being thankful for the respite, and this new sense of being rested in Him.

I felt in my heart, that He seemed to be telling me that nothing had changed. I can still experience the same kind of restedness as when I was taking a break from ministry. It was about serving from a position of rest. I had allowed all the new ministry & work responsibilities to burden me again. And then, I felt He was showing me that He had already healed me and spoken to me about the cell group in CHC, and I had received closure for that. The new fear that arose as my responsibilities increased, was something I had to give to Him. Whether I am serving or not serving, He was the same. The sea was as vast, the skies as wide. Because He is the same faithful God, the maker of the universe.

Thought of some of the different people in my previous cell. Asked God again, Why did the Cell Group not grow? Felt that I already knew the answer without asking. It was about Inner Growth. It was about pain that came with growth. It was about how God worked in His own timing, and not in my own terms. I have grown, yay. =)

There are things that are not certain. But yet many things that are certain. What is certain is that God is faithful. What is uncertain is how the faithful God will demonstrate His faithfulness, since His ways are higher than ours, and He is not confined to work on human terms. I must not mix the uncertain things with the things that are clear-cut. Because I can speak confidently about God's faihtfulness, and about His unchanging plans to redeem mankind, and how we need to draw near to Him.

Walked into my old condo, everything was the same. The carpark, the lobby, the tennis courts....which I had walked past for the past more than 20 years. All were the same. Nothing had changed.

Hmm. Maybe I myself can't totally capture what that feeling was. But it certainly brought rest, knowing that He is in control of the past, present and future.

Building Foundations

2008-07-27T21:17:00.004+08:00

Its another Sunday night. =) Switched on my comp with some thoughts I wanted to write, but got a bit emo instead. Maybe it will make the sharing more real.

I wanted to share about Covenant Evangelical Free Church, the church I've been in for the past 2 years. I am extremely thankful for the sound and balanced teaching of the Word I've received. One of the things that really blesses my heart is the focus on inward growth, to become like the "certain kind" of disciple. I know what it means to be the certain kind, though its hard to capture it down in words.

One thing that Pastor Ed always says is that we shd not have "presumptuous faith". Realise how important that is. Because one ques that was on mind constantly was why God promised growth in my chc cell grp, but it never grew, and there were people who left the church instead. Realised that all the more when God calls, we are likely to experience challenges. Hence it is not just pray it and claim it. But faith is trusting in God. Afterall, Jesus experienced the deepest of sorrow before His cruxification, and growth does not come without its pains.

I'm thankful that the church does not preach all the "how to" sermons, but often, it preaches on the inward posture and perspectives that we should have. Because "how to" sermons, tho can help a person modify his actions outwardly, they may not neccessarily change a person on the inside. In the Leaders Empowering session on Fri night, Pastor Ed talked about leadership as being able to move people together as one towards the vision. There's different ways of doing that ofcos. Two extremes- one being the militant style, pressuring people into doing what you call them to. The other extreme is to be just very nice and telling people its ok if they can't follow etc. Instead of the two, we should build foundation and mature a person, then the person will follow with conviction. I think building foundation is the toughest thing to do, in a results oriented society. The church seems pressurized by societal norms to acheive success. I can think of many wonderful people who seem to not have status on the outside, but I believe God is doing deep work in their lives. And sometimes this "deep work" confounds us. Instead of becoming more powerful, we seem to become weaker; instead of becoming more confident in ourselves, we seem to realise our inadequacy; instead of being victorious, we face persecution; instead of prestige, we seem to be demoted to places of aloneness.

Up till now, I can't help but have a negative reaction when I hear the words "success", "growth", as it brings to mind very painful memories of believing for growth, but the attendance showing a downward trend instead. I know it is because I was discouraged and hurt from past experiences, that now I fear trusting God, because I don't want to be disappointed again. Now I realise tho, that being disappointed was because I didn't realise I had to go through pains for growth, and was angry with myself for not being a good enough leader.

I have to watch that I don't fall into the other extreme of faithlessness. Because I think growth and being fruitful is what we shd be in our ministries. Its is like knowing we can do nothing apart from Jesus, yet we can do everything with Him, because He is a mighty God. So to remain status quo is to think too small of God who is more than enough.

So its good that the past is starting to pop up again, and I am beginning to reconcile my past experiences at church with the present, instead of just totally shutting out the experiences. After all, every experience in retrospect, had God's hand in it. All the promises and words He had spoken to me were real. I don't wanna re-do the 2 years again, of uprooting from church, questioning all my basics about who God is, but I think it was good to unlearn somethings that are wrong, and relearn again, to remove and replace with the right thoughts of God and myself.

Go Forth 2008

2008-07-20T23:10:00.002+08:00

I had the privilege of attending the full Go Forth conference, sponsored by my company. I was thankful for the 4 day break away from work and to learn about missions. Didn't realise there were so many aspects to consider! Felt before I went for the conference, there was something God wanted me to learn from there. And yup, I have been blessed, inter-mingled with other things past and present.

1) Social Entrepreneurship -innovative methods for missions

Today strangely at service, I was reminded of this image in 2004. I was waiting for the bus at Thomson Road, outside MCYS. I first came across this term "social entrepreneurship" when I was in NUS. They advertised for a internship position to help with social enterprise projects. My heart was excited when I got the job, cos I always knew that I studied business for a purpose, and this concept seemed to combine social and business skills together. Visiting those SEs, and meeting SEs was always so uplifting. One person who inspired me till now is Pastor Don Wong, who runs a halfway house for ex-convicts, whom I went with to Indonesia 2 times so far. =)

It was good that Go Forth talked about Social enterprises and micro enterprises, because it is definitely a platform for outreach and missions. I liked what Ajith Fernando said "Innovation comes out of servanthood, innovative servanthood opens doors for the gospel, it is never an end in itself". Through these micro/social businesses, we help to meet the needs of the poor in a sustainable manner, and we are granted access into countries which we previously cannot.

I was inspired by this other lady, Penny who was a lawyer, and went to India for 9 years to build a garment factory etc., because she had heard God's call. She talked about making God relevant to the poor. I couldn't agree more. I guess this is helping me to remember the dream I had to set up SE.

A few years ago, through my thesis, on "Cross sector alliances between companies and non-profits", I interviewed Claire Chiang. Her Banyan tree retail shops sell items made by women from villagers, and she shared abt herself going there to work with the villagers, with jeans, mud, hat etc. Guess that was something I wanted to do. I'm not sure if she is a christian though. ;p

But something that sets apart us as christians is the idea of servanthood.

2) Radical servanthood
Ajith emphasized the importance of dedication to God, and commitment to Jesus. I always thought we will be fulfilled when we find the place where we can fully use our talents. People always seek to work in the big, established organizations and churches. But he says we are fulfiled when we "die for the people". I understood what he meant when he gave this example. A pastor who was previously preaching to 2000 people congregation decides to go into the missions field. Now he is only preaching to 4 people every week, the husband, the wife, a colleague, and one new convert. It was so "wow" when I heard that. And it struck me that the world measures success by effectiveness, but in God's kingdom, it is all about obedience and commitment to Christ. He also reminded us that the church ought to send the BEST to the missions field, like how the antioch church sent Paul and Barnabbas, their very best.

Anyway it is a kind of a faithful obedience. Sometimes we even don't see fruits in our lifetime-like those heros of faith quoted in the bible. It struck me that it is so hard for me to surrender this area to God, tho I did pray and ask for His grace to do so. On many ocassions, when I walk to upper serangoon road, into my office with less than 10 people, I ask myself, what on earth am I doing here! And sometimes, I remember the nice airconditioned lobby and building, and office and desk I used to have. He is poking at this area in my heart.

Another thing Ajith shared was how in reaching asia, the people perceive christianity as a western invasion, with bible in one hand, money/sword in the other. What will really set us apart is radical servanthood. And yup, in order for the church to grow, it has to suffer. This is a cross-based theology, as opposed to the consumerism theology.

3) Emotional health
Related to the previous point, I realised how impt one's emotional health must be in the missions field. Quite a few of the speakers spoke about how they were stripped of their ability to speak in the new environment- whereby they could not speak the language there. Someone said, he was reduced to being a 2 year old. Taking transport was a problem. Every small thing required assistance. And also because of the sensitive nature of missions, u can't tell people u are a "missionary". So u are suddenly status and titleless. Again another wow. Someone said something like "God stripped me of my linguistic skills, I could not speak, but He used my actions to demonstrate His love".

So I think it is important for one to be secure about his own identity. Otherwise, there is bound to be identity crisis there. Esp for someone who prides his self worth upon his work. And also when there is no fruit after labouring for a long time, it is important for one to be secure in God, rooted in Christ. Otherwise frustration will come in.

Even as He is working some very deep seated emotional issues in me....I know it can only be because to build high, there must be a solid foundation.

-----------------
So anyway I did not respond for the altar calls to be a missionary. Such a sacred call it is. Not to be casually taken into. But yes, I am missions-minded. How can someone know God and not be burdened for the lost?
John Piper-
"Missions is not the ultimate goal of the Church. Worship is. Missions exists because worship doesn’t. Worship is ultimate, not missions, because God is ultimate, not man. When this age is over, and the countless millions of the redeemed fall on their faces before the throne of God, missions will be no more. It is a temporary necessity. But worship abides forever."

Wonderful Cross

2008-07-13T21:09:00.002+08:00

While we are at this theme of God setting us free. This is a lovely song that has blessed me a lot these days. The paradox of the cross- That He has set us free, died for us, loved us; and now we give our lives to Him. It is on this basis that when we receive His love, we can outflow it to others:

Wonderful Cross

When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of Glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride

See from his head, his hands, his feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did ever such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown

O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
All who gather here by grace draw near and bless
Your name

Were the whole realm of nature mine
That were an offering far too small
Love so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all

Set free

2008-07-11T23:53:00.000+08:00

Thankful again for a quiet night to write. ;) Writing is a blessing. Tmr is still work day so I shan't write too long!
This week was a very busy week for me, averaged about 5-6 hrs of sleep per day. My eye rings are all coming out! Yet it was one of the most fruitful weeks thus far. As yup, I'm starting to enjoy work and remember why I was there. :)
Last sun it was a message on what christianity is about. Actually it is a complicated thing to explain, but it all boils down, I realise, to the saving work of Christ on the cross. And as I was waiting for communion, I asked God to set me free from all the shackles inside my heart. And I thought of this verse:
36 Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.
John 8:36
And felt impressed upon my heart that God was showing me, from the day I walked down the altar and prayed the sinners prayer (10 years ago!), He already set me free. It was such a powerful but simple revelation.

With this revelation of being free, I realise I do not need to work to gain approval from others. And basically, my security is not based on what other people said about me, neither was it based on how well I performed at work. But I am secure in Christ. =)

Yup yup...so tis is a short update, and I am so tired. I'm gonna pray and sleep already.

Next week is Go Forth Conference! :) Yay. I'm looking forward to it, hoping to have a fresh touch from God.

Sacred vs Secular

2008-06-21T21:24:00.003+08:00

I went for dinner with 2 grps of people last night. First with my ex colleagues, then next I joined my church mates. This grp of colleagues are the ones I went Philippines to build houses with, and I enjoy their company. One of the guys is getting married, so this was kind of a "celebration" dinner for him. At the end of the meal, they wanted to split the bill equally, but I protested because I had not ordered the set meal, and my meal was one of the cheapest, so its easily 7-8 dollars cheaper than the average cost. I felt weird though, when I protested! Felt like I was being miserly. But yet, I know I gotto be wise in my spending of money. And yup, so it was poignant moment, and it remained in my mind.

Met my church mates and we had rocher beancurd. Its one of those wonderful cheap chillout places with soya bean at 70 cents a cup. i wonder if I am getting overly worked up over money and trying to keep my budget low! But I think about the future and buying house and getting married (hopefully), and having money to build orphanages or social enterprises and all. And I don't wanna spend so much! After the meal it was like 1120pm, and everyone took cabs home except me. I walked 15 minutes myself to Bugis MRT and took the train home.

It was poignant. I wouldn't say I felt miserable. But I did feel alone walking down the dimly lit streets. And felt like making a phone call to my helpline, but refrained so that I could process my thoughts with God.

And so, people have been asking how's my new job, and I describe my flying ard, so far to Cambodia and Indonesia. ;p and some say wah, yr job sounds fun, and its great that u can travel. It really is, stepping back and viewing my life as if I am a third person. Its someone I always wanted to be, giving of my life to passionate causes. And yes, being somewhat freed up from the rat race. I remember again and again the miracle of my parents blessings for my job. Seeing the happy face of Dian in Indonesia as she cried happy tears made my heart lept with joy and I teared. This is the reason why I am in this job. Really tho, the daily practical outworkings of this job is far from "glam". There is a price to pay for this. And it works out in various practical decisions that I make. Sometimes it is incredibly lonely, a road that few can understand.

I don't mean that I am above others in anyway. In fact, I was reading this book The Pursuit of God by AZ Tozer. He talks in the last chapt about there being no need for a dichotomy betw the sacred and the secular. I quote

"The 'layman' need never think of his humbler task as being inferior to that of his minister. Let every man abide in the calling wherein he is called and his work will be as sacred as the work of the ministry. It is not what a man does that determines whether his work is sacred or secular, it is why he does it. The motive is everything. Let that man sanctify the Lord God in his heart and he can thereafter do no common act. All he does is good and acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For such a man, living itself will be sacramental and the whole world a santuary. His entre life will be a priestly ministration. As he performs his never-so-simple task, he will hear the voice of the seraphim saying, 'Holy, Holy, Holy; is the Lord of hosts: the whole earth is full of His glory."

I dearly hope my motive is right before God, and everything I do may be Holy and pleasing to Him. I've been thinking abt this secular vs sacred thing for some time. It was a major struggle for me in my previous wkplace to keep my work sacred as I felt so constrained on the inside. So it was difficult to give praise for a job I didn't really enjoy. But yup, I think I did my best as a worship unto Him. Ofcos there is this ques tho, how can photocopying documents for example, be as sacred as going to the missions field and praying for a kid? I don't have ans yet, but the underlying being the importance of motive.

Actually it is a privilege to be working in a church or a christian organization, because one who works there gets to see the outworkings of God's love and glory in more tangible forms. I mean like I get to go to Indonesia and see people worshipping God in a different tongue, and I wonder, I am actually getting paid to do this? Like being paid to serve God and to be encouraged by His people and to do ministry, which is a daily thing I wanna do. Its really like the blessedness of having little, so I say sometimes, it is such a blessing to be called to go into such jobs.

Alrighty, this is a whole bunch of thoughts I have....which I've not totally processed through. :) As you can tell. I'm grateful if u finished reading!

A beautiful tapestry

2008-06-03T17:55:00.002+08:00

A bit surprised by my rollar coaster of emotions. One moment being v joyful and secure, and the next being worried and fearful. The devil attacks my mind, and gotto pray and pray and pray. Even when the emotional state feels down, to have faith that I am victorious in Christ! Reading abt some of the struggles my brothers and sisters go thru helps to encourage me, knowing that I am not alone, that as a christian, God didn't promise that there will be no dark days, but He promises His presence throughout the dark days. There's really not one particular situation that I can pinpoint in which I know is the source of distress. But more so this sense of uncertainty and feelings of doubt that cloud my mind- i.e. God, did u say that or not? Did u promise that? How come its like that if You have promised that? And then to be secure and to reject those feelings. To stand secure in His promises in spite of how I am feeling. :P

---------------

I need to learn to handle uncertainty. Correction: I need to surrender to God all uncertainty, cos I can't handle them. At work- I can be writing proposals and descriptions of projects, but I don't see the outcomes. Sometimes there are bottle necks & miscommunications. It makes me frustrated. My idealistic and perfectionist nature says, we should complete this in this manner- efficiency being the key! If only so and so will do this and that, then all problems solved and we can move ahead! Oh, I don't like to wait at all! I rather roll up my sleeves and work and affect outcomes. Just let me be able to do something about it!

Waiting is a painful, but is crucial. It seems like we are doing nothing, but yet there is a lot going on. God moulding our hearts to learn patience, to learn to trust in His plans as they unfold into a beautiful tapestry. :P Men and women in the bible waited on God, and through that process were moulded. E.g. David running away from Saul and waiting to be king; Joseph a slave to Egypt and thrown to jail before his vision came to pass..etc etc. And I thought I had already learnt much about waiting & surrendering (e.g. waiting a year before I switched to social sector, surrendering relationships & ministries). It reminds me of Pastor Ed's sermon on Effficacy- which is to do the right thing at the right time with the right motivations resulting in the right outcome. It may not be the most efficient method as the world sees it. But yet with trust and obedience in God, truly in time to come, we will see how beautiful everything turns out in His time. :) Just when I thought I got nothing more to surrender!

I need to overcome this spirit of "poverty". The feelings that God will shortchange me for the surrender. That ultimately what is good will be taken from me. This is not God. God is loving, and He is the giver of all good things. The God who created all things and who did not spare His only son, how would He not freely give us all things?

Amen to all above. Now...I must go back and type more proposals.....

In the secret place

2008-05-28T10:35:00.000+08:00

These few days while I pray, God is real to me.
Maybe I shall explain what I mean, in that, there are certain decisions I've made, and areas I've served in, because I believe in Him. If He does not exist, then the things I did will be in vain.
And somehow, the knowledge of God being real, brings me great comfort, there's this sense that He understands.
As I started sharing my life journey for the past 2 years with a friend, memories also started coming back. And as these images reappear- esp people whom I had cared for, and placed their burdens upon myself, and felt that I had failed to help them, I experience this sense of encouragement from God, that He understood all the pains and discouragement. Indeed, how even if we are walking with the Lord, it doesn't mean that ministry will be smooth sailing, all people we minister to will be reached. There's still pain and struggles in the individual's life, and that is why He has placed compassion in us, to be ministers to these lives, to carry the cross in spite of all the difficulties that we face. And yes, thruout all these experiences, I've hoped for someone to share my journey with, and it amazes me that in the secret place of prayer, I can tell God all of the struggles I faced, and He understood. :) Tho ofcos since God made us to need each other, there is a desire to bond and to share with others about our lives, and I've received much blessing from sharing. I'm glad that this desire to put each other first is on our minds. Whatever the Lord leads. :)

All the Earth

2008-05-27T22:06:00.002+08:00

All the Earth
Parachute Band

Father
Into Your courts I will enter
Maker of heaven and earth
I tremble
In Your holy presence

Glory
Glory in Your sanctuary
Splendor and majesty Lord
Before You
All life adores You

All the earth
Will declare
That Your love is everywhere
The fields will exalt
Seas resound

Hear the trees’
Joyful cry
Praising You and so will I
A new song I’ll sing
Lord I will
Glorify and bless Your holy name

Dear Father, may Your name be glorified, and the knowledge and the glory of You fill the whole Earth.
I really like this song cos it reminds me of the GLORY and the magnificence of God. :) And of cos how His love fills the whole earth.

Global Day of Prayer 2008

2008-05-11T23:57:00.002+08:00

I am very tired now after a full week of work. Thankfully tmr I am off! :) But my heart is excited, and happy after the GDOP. Just came home from the stadium.

Like to thank God for these few things that were very encouraging:

1) Unity of the church
It was glorious seeing various churches coming together to pray. Even as different pastors and leaders led in prayer, and the styles were so different, felt that something binded us together. That was the love of Christ, and the spirit of loving one another. It was also wonderful seeing diff churches join hands to serve. This year though, there were less people who came for the meeting. I think the mega churches did not send as many people there. But nevertheless, lets not go into that too much. ;) I think the magnificence is not in having one mega church represented, but having mega churches, regular neighbourhood churches etc coming together.

2) The outpouring of the Holy Spirit
Nope, no one got slain in the spirit, neither did the stadium shake and people start speaking in tongues. But I felt the loving embrace of the Holy Spirit, and a peace that surpassed all understanding filled my heart. It was a holy moment. This year felt diff from previous 2 years. Whereas past 2 years we prayed a lot for church unity, it seems like this year unity was present in the body of Christ. And I felt a freedom to worship as the Spirit led. I think many churches seem to be opening up towards the leading of the Holy Spirit. And this is wonderful, because I believe His presence changes lives, and helps us to interceed with the Father in ways that cannot be fathomed.
Esp at the start when we were praying through about loving God, and rededicating our lives to Him, I was touched, and felt His warmth surrounding me.

3) Missions and Singapore as the Antioch of Asia
Many churches and leaders in recent years are convicted by God's call for missions. It was glorious again, seeing the various flags being waved at. And a much needed repentance before God about how Singapore has been taking for granted the blessings He has blessed us with. I believe strongly that from Singapore, many will bring the gospel ard Asia, whether it is through preaching of the Word/ministry, tent-making (e.g. businesses, education) or humanitarian, the possibility is tremendous. Singapore has so much resources that can be sent out to these countries.

4) Migrant workers
The Lord bless the heart of the church leaders in the city! One of the items was to pray for migrant workers, and for churches to be a blessing to them. Wonderful! It seems like again, God is raising up a people in Singapore who has a heart for the poor. This is indeed the heartbeat of our dearest heavenly Father. Not just in this GDOP, but through various avenues, e.g. Geylang ministry, I've come across individuals/organizations with the same heart for these migrant workers. God bless their hearts indeed! Various ones doing prayer walks, doing outreaches, doing seminar teachings on the poor and missions in Singapore!!

5) The importance of prayer and intercession
A strong reminder once again of its importance. Of speaking to God about the things that are already on His heart. How wonderful that we can be in partnership with Him!

Triumphant suffering

2008-05-10T00:05:00.004+08:00

The title is a paradox!

These thoughts have been on my mind for some time. As CEFC is doing 2 Corinthians study this year, and tonight we also went through it, I've been blessed by the few themes that seem to run in 2 Cor so far.

Paul talks about the Glory of God and the Power of the cross even though he went through so much persecution and trials and painful times. And even in the letter to the Corinth church whereby he is questioned about his authority as an apostle, he speaks with joy and is triumphant because of the cross.
How we often seek the power but miss the treasure. The treasure is in the Cross...the redemption through Jesus, the grace and the glory.

Presence of God in darkness vs
Absence of God in light
Which do you prefer?

God loves us, and His ultimate plan for us is salvation and redemption. To draw us close, and to transform us. That's His main agenda I believe. Can we be rich and health and redeemed? I believe so. Can we also be poor and unhealthy and redeemed? I believe so too. Hence I think the focus is not on health and wealth. The ultimate treasure as a christian, is the treasure in earthen vessels. The treasure of knowing Christ.

I realised that Corinth has many similarities to present day Singapore. It was a very young and prosperous nation that took much pride in itself.

I quote this from NIV Application Commentary by Scott Hafemann:

"Corinth had become the envy of the Empire- a city of pleasure, a tribute to human-made splendour, a place where assertiveness and pride reaped great reward... Consequently, [the Corinthians] placed a higher premium on social prominence and self-display, on personal power and boasting...
Driven by their culture, the key issue in the Corinthian church was what it meant to be "spiritual"... Instead of seeking a Spirit-empowered conformity to the self-giving character of Christ, they placed a high value on their newfound "knowledge" and spiritual experiences in and of themselves...
The result was a self-serving attitude of boasting and moral laxity, further led by their culture's admiration of the public power, persona...They buttressed this cultural captivity of the gospel with a triumphalist, over realised eschatology...Such a view further inflated the Corinthians' estimation of their spiritual knowledge, gifts and experiences...It also downplayed the need for moral transformation, since on the "spiritual" plane they were already fully raised with Christ..."

And from my IDT notes:
"In contrast to a culture that prides itself on power and prestige through wealth, gifts, status and appearences, Paul's model for ministry is found in his weakness- from which his dependence upon God- thus bringing forth true strength! That kind of Christian ministry is modeled after our Lord Jesus Himself" (2Cor 13:4)

Sounds familiar? Many churches in Singapore and in many wealthy nations today pride their spirituality through the measures of the world. Or worse still, we measure our blessing from God through the blessings of the world. Whereas God wants to bless us with the true riches. Whereas the power of the cross is found in weakness. In knowing Christ.

Pls do not mistake what I am saying, that God is a joy-killer, and we shd all live in austerity and go to the deserts and stay in tents. My point is the focus we have as a christian, and how we cannot measure blessings by the world's perspective, and how true blessings are found in knowing God.

Would a loving father want his son to love him because he just bought the latest mp3 player for his son?
Or would a loving father want his son to love him for himself?
And in order to draw the son closer to know him, and show his son ultimate and lasting joys, would he not withhold the mp3 player from him for a time period? At the end, the son enjoys the father's company so much that having the mp3 player or not is secondary. And I believe, the presence of the father is much more eternal and complete.

The kingdom of God is not yet fully come. One day, we will be fully redeemed in heaven, where all the lame, blind will be healed, and enjoy everlasting presence with the Father.

Father's Love

2008-04-12T23:28:00.002+08:00

The more I serve Him, the more I realise that I don't really understand the Father's love! Sometimes I'm just trying to love people on my own basis. I know it when I am running dry, and when I feel a lot for people, but I don't feel hopeful for them! Not being able to believe and have the faith that God Himself will minister to His people. And this week He sure is showing me, that His heart is loving. And I ought to be serving out of this knowledge of His goodness.

Went to church today for missions training, and I was so blessed by the speaker, Joseph Chean, Director of YWAM. He gave so many examples of how missionaries (whether short termed or long termed) heard from God and obeyed, and how God just met their needs, and met with the people. E.g. He brought a gift of a leather coat & bath robe to a missionary. Someone had prayed and felt these were the 2 things to pass to the missionary. And the missionary opened up the gift and said, only God knows what I needed! And then other examples of how this 20 year old gal heard from God about a people group in the amazon forests, and though she went to the govt to ask, and to the library to search, she couldnt find any traces of this group. And in the end, with the conviction that God had spoken to her abt reaching out to this people group, she went to the forest to search them out! The people group came to know Christ after some time through the sending of mission teams there. And at a missions conference, this group of people came and to his surprised, they were wearing loin cloths and carrying instruments he had never seen before. So Joseph shared about how ple may have forgotten some of the people groups, but God never did forget them. So anyway the examples, and others, encouraged me that God loves every people group, and also hears the prayers of the individual missionaries (in a very sweet way).

This was one of the anchor verse Joseph shared:
14 For the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord, as the waters cover the sea. Hab 2:14

Earth = nations --> states and provinces --> towns and communities --> families --> individuals

Anyway it was so encouraging, getting in touched with God's heartbeat again and again and again. And today I just kind of spent the whole day with Him, attending the training for 6 hrs, got home and prayed and worshipped some more. Need to hear from Him again, esp before I start my new job. Need to hear about where He wants me to go etc etc. And for complete healing in the heart. Need to know the Father's heart.

Musings of a Young Lady (Part 2)

2008-03-21T13:28:00.006+08:00

3) Market Place Ministry

In the past 3 years at GIC, I've been so blessed to be part of a christian fellowship that meets up every thursday at lunch time to worship, pray andshare with one another. I've been tremendously blessed by SY and R's leading of the fellowship, as well as participating in some of theplannings of the vision and purposes of the fellowship. Our CF also links up with other CFers in the CBD area, for example last 2 years at christmas, we combined our christmas celebration. We also had outreaches e.g. showing Ravi Zacharias - Can men live without God video.It was wonderfully edifying to share, pray and encourage one another in the workplace.

I also met C, and asked her to be my mentor, and it has been such a blessing being able to share my life with her, and hear from her experiences. There are indeed certain unique experiences that we christians can share with one another in the office, afterall, person X also knows boss Y, while person Z also knows how difficult handling system W can be. I believe the mkt place ministry is important. It is the place where mostof us spend our time. Where else but the office? The corporate world is filled with its stresses, mundane tasks, and underlying, the question that everyone needs to know is, why am I here? What am I doing? Is there any purpose & meaning at all to this work? Christians can serve as an encouragement to brothers and sisters going through pain. And yes, shine alight in the midst of darkness. Change and revitalise the whole mkt place! And make it shine for God. Bring God's kingdom values of kindness,compassion, justice, hope, righteousness into the whole environment. And from there, let people see the difference in the way we live our lives, from the way structures are made.

I questioned a lot about my calling in the mkt place. Whether I shd belong here. But alas, even though I feel for my colleagues and have established such good relationships with them, i feel that ultimately my calling was not here (at this season at least) but amongst the poor. Nevertheless I think everyone should care about making disciples and spreading the gospel. And it is sad if the only reason why we are working in the office is because we want a comfortable life and money. I think wherever we choose to work, we have to choose it because we are called. We are all called to make disciples, the question is where are "you" called to make disciples?

Other than "official" platforms of outreaches, I had the blessing of being close to many of my colleagues. I really enjoyed their company, and on andoff have tried to share some of my values with them. I wrote cards and emails and chatted with colleagues to encourage them in their work! As mentioned earlier, getting involved in the recreation club comm svc was away in which I felt kingdom values could spread in the company. I felt that serving the community was a challenge to the values of the work place whereby the promotion of self interest and competitiveness is somewhatinevitable. To take time off to care for the community, with no benefit to self is a radical challenge to the values of self interest. Ofcos, some say that people are altruistic for personal reasons- e.g. feelings of fulfilment, happiness etc etc. I don't think these are bad, but I think these happy feelings shd be the fruit of our good works rather than theaim! Anyway, staying back later in the office cos of meetings to discuss the projects, sending emails to participants, liaising with charities, fundraising, pasting posters etc. I felt joyful in doing so. I met a lot of non-christians who sacrificed their time and money as well, and I was really encouraged! I believe inside every human being is a kindness and compassion we have towards others, and exercising it will in a way help usto express the goodness of our creator. I hope these experiences draws them closer to know the ultimate source of goodness.

As I announced I was changing jobs, even more opportunities arose for me to share Christ with my colleagues. As many expressed their envy that I could pursue something I liked (I believe also the ability to let go of money and comfort and to go into uncertainty), I had opportunity to share that it was not simply a passion that could drive one to give up comforts. It has to be a belief that what one was pursuing was of higher value than what one wasgiving up on. And also, doing good works by itself is not the thing that is fulfiling. The greatest calling is to know God. And so as we talked, I realised a lot of my colleagues don't really enjoy their work, but they have to hang on anyway because they want the salary. I am absolutely NOT condemning them, or going by a holier-than-thou attitude. Absolutely not. Ijust feel that the mkt place needs a whole lot of prayer and intercession,that people's eyes may be unveiled up to see Christ, so that He may bring meaning to lives.

Glorifying God in our work is ofcos another impt element that needs to be said. Work, I believe, is a form of worship unto God when we do in joyfully and acknowledge His Lordship over every task. Something an indonesian lady who started a halfway house told me, whenever she does her housework,whether it is sweeping the floors or washing dishes, she sees it as a worship unto God, and she gives thanks to God! In spite of me spending time at the recreation club, God has blessed my work. Though many times stressful, this shall be elaborated later, yet He blessed my projects.There were days however, whereby I fought hard to be joyful in doing my work. Some of the tasks seemed insummountable. Sometimes it was a challenge to do the things I find I don't really enjoy, like writing user specs which got quite technical (afterall God created us to enjoy different things), yet at the end of it I give thanks as I was able to finish my work.

Excellence in work I believe is important. People like Daniel & Joseph in the bible were wonderful testimonies of how God could use people to bring light into the work environment, and raise them up to positions of influence. However, I do not think all christians are Daniels and Josephs, and we can make a difference in our society in different manners.

My Child- I love you

2008-03-17T17:44:00.003+08:00

Even though I know Jesus loves me, there was always this chasm that separated us. I don't know what it is. I've sought meaning in doing a lot of things that I hope will please Him. Some days I feel satisfied and loved, on other days I just run dry.

I started to know this God who loves me through glimpses of Him amongst people. Through glimpses of His loving touch. Through His warm presence. Through the lyrics of God's love. But sometimes these don't last. Esp on days when I am feeling sad and alone. I wonder if this Jesus cared.

At breakthrough weekend, the first message was on the Fear of the Lord. And Doris shared about how Fear of God was believing God no matter what, obeying God no matter what. I was convicted in my heart about the holiness of God. Yes God is a loving Father, but how the fear of the Lord is essential for us to draw near to Him. Because it is when we believe and obey that we have intimacy with the Father. When we are able to surrender to God the keys to our lives, and give Him control over it. Then intimacy comes. A drawing near.

Another session Pastor Anne talked about loving God only and loving God alone. At first I was a bit uncomfortable, cos I thought the emphasis should be on God loving us and not on we loving God. But at the end of the msg, when she called for a response, and coming to God with the things that we loved above Him. I realised that yes, God loves us, and therefore, there needs to be a response on our part to Him. That is when we come to Him and tell Him that we are willing to surrender to Him the things that we love more than Him. And when I kneeled down and said a prayer to do that, the love of God flowed through me. God showed me the condition of my heart. I've gone through some challenging times in terms of ministry and relationships, and I had been obeying Him for many things, but God asked me one thing- Are u willing, my child? And I realised that I did not have a willing heart in a lot of things that I did, even though I obeyed, it was with a heart that was clenched up. God encouraged me of His calling for me. And that in His own time, He will fulfil it.

In the next session, the breakthrough really came. The worship leader was sharing about grieve, about her miscarriages. And I was deeply touched. She shared that God told her to grieve and to release. And then there was a call for people who were grieving, and I responded. And I just couldnt stop crying, and my dearest mentor prayed for me. As she prayed, she also started crying, and she told me that God knows, and God was telling me that this burden was too great for me to bear myself, and God was saying, won't u let me bear this for u. As she placed her hands near my heart, I just released all the pain I felt on the inside and started weeping really loudly, it was like a wave of His love came and then it came again and again until I was totally convicted of His love and I felt such a deep sense of release. And then she told me that God gave her a vision, that the Lord Himself was using a thread and needle to sew up my broken heart. It reminded me of this image I saw about a few weeks ago of this red heart that was in His hands. I know my heart is being healed by Him. And how awesome, that the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords would come and do this Himself for me. =) I saw vividly that every pain I felt in my heart, Christ bore it on the cross for me. And I don't have to carry this burden any longer. I can release it to the God who cares. The God who loves me and grieves for my pain.

Thank u Lord. I am being healed. Amen. Show me more of Your love.

My Child,
You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad.

Almighty God
* taken from http://fathersloveletter.com/English/

Musings of a Young Lady (Part 1)

2008-03-08T16:51:00.007+08:00

Since work has much winded down, and I really want to keep some emails I wrote/people have wrote for me in the past, I went into my archive folder, and discovered a treasure of stuff that I had written. I hope this blesses yr heart as this contains days and nights of rumination. These are the stuff that I've been thinking about for the past 3 years in my company.

1) Simplicity and the marginalized
I spent a large part of my time thinking about the poor for the past 2 years. And reflecting about how christians should live in the developed country. For a while, I felt guilty eating good food, and thought that I should be giving money to the poor instead. The poor was constantly on my heart and mind. I was angry with christians for not caring for the poor and living comfortable lives.

Why was I so upset? 2 years ago Ron Sider's Rich Christian in an Age of Poverty showed me clearly God's heart for the poor in the bible, and challenged christians to live out a life that cares for the people who God cares for. I've blogged here 2 years ago. As I begun to ponder about these issues, it also moved me into social action within the company. I began to take on an active role as the community service part of the recreation club, and by God's grace, there was an opening to bring my company to philippines with Habitat for Humanity in Dec 2006. I could not shake the poor off my mind and my heart, and many times I felt this burden upon me. In light of the poor and suffering, I could not bring myself to eat and drink merrily. I continued to organize other activities in the company like the one-room flat cleaning in Dec 2007.In my state of unhappiness, I felt like I was wasting my time working in the company. Felt that the cry of the poor resounded in my heart daily.

To: C
Date: 24/11/2006 09:07
Hello gal..
Could I bother u to keep me in yr prayer? Burdened...cos of all the poor people and what am I doing here kind of feelings. Can u keep me in prayer that it is a good burden that I give to the Lord rather than something that pulls me down? Feel sad too seeing the way christians live their lives...just comfortable lives...Don't wish to be judgemental, I'm not perfect either. But its a kind of burden... Thanks gal.

God continued to speak to me, and this time, it was through Randy Alcorn (Money, Posessions and Eternity) and Tim Chester (Good News to the poor) 's books, both very good books. The former about how we should live in light of eternity. The latter about how to balance social justice with preaching the gospel, aka, the humanitarian aspect of helping the poor, yet how we are short changing them if we only meet their physical needs, and do not share with them the gospel. Both challenged us to live simple lives, and to see God's eternity as more valuable than the so-called "sacrifices" we were making. In other words, it is about choosing something that is of higher value, as opposed to thinking that we are losing out on something.

To: C
Date: 12/03/2007 13:59
hellos.. Good to have lunch with u today. Feels lighter being able to think from an alternative perspective.. Just a para from my blog, thought it is something like what we were talking abt today... Was reading Tim Chester's book again yesterday, and he wrote about:"Godly contentment is not about austerity or ascentricism. It is about enjoyment.. involve opting for something of greater value."I was reflecting about whether I am really trying to spend less/live simply out of legalism (aka treating it as a sacrifice), or do I really enjoy the choices that I have made? Am I really convicted that choosing God is far more satisfying than the alternative (material satisfaction)? With this mind blowing revelation, I realise that choosing God is actually for my own good rather than a sacrifice. He loves us too much to not give us what is best for us. Just that humanly, we sometimes cannot grasp that the alternative is so valuable. Have a nice day! heh.. XJ

In June 2007, I went to the Breakthrough Weekend organized by CEFC. It was one of the most amazing and life transforming time. As God encouraged me through verses in Isaiah and told me that He was the one who brings light in darkness. And that He would use me to do so as well. And furthermore, as I went for ministry, they prayed for me against the "burden bearing" spirit. I felt so much burdens lifted up to me, as I released all the burdens I had about the poor to the Lord.

2) Learning to trust God

Since for a long while the idea of changing jobs was on my mind, I needed to hear from God. It was like, tell me God, should I change or should I not?

I was very confused and wrote out a list of pros and cons for the job switch to a humanitarian org,

To K and E

Date: May 20, 2007 6:24 PM
Pros:
1. Its my passion, i'm sure God put in my heart something abt the poor & marginalised for a reason. Finance is not exactly something I am interested in...
2. Yest was officially my 2 year anniversary at GIC! And it makes me wonder how many more 2 years there are gonna be...
3. Can learn stuffs at WV on how to run a non-profit...think that i am quite impressed with how it is runned.
4. Maybe it is much more purposeful work, and has a direct impact on the beneficiaries?
5. A step closer to social entrepreneurship? What i always wanted to do...
6. I don't look forward to work at office everyday....?

Now cons:
1. I don't know if God has called me to the mkt place. In the 2 years at GIC, God has opened doors, like last year for me to do a comm service role...and to bring a team to philippines to build hses.
2. There is a CF in GIC, and we have been organizing outreach events, the numbers are really encouraging. Feel a burden for my colleagues.
3. I remember when I was ard 19, I kinda had this vision of talking to a grp of businessmen. I am not sure if I got that vision right.....or if I make a switch to WV, then I will be moving away fr this mkt place kinda vision.
4. Hmm...Pay is good, colleagues are nice, I can gain more experience and prepare myself more?
Just switched division in Feb this year...cos boss wanted me to exposed to new things..it was very nice of him to do it for me...so I will feel bad if i leave.
5. Daddy and mummy will prob flip for awhile...

The answer I felt I got:

To: C

Date: 05/06/2007 15:32

I've been doing well too.. learning new things from God, and growing. =) One of the things He showed me about "that" decision, was for me to make my choice, and somehow felt He would be okay either way...watever choice I make. Somehow He seems to be giving me the liberty to do so, while working within my heart to guide my desires to be accordg to His. haha. Dunno if this makes sense......

It was a very challenging period as I felt very lost and confused with regards to my future. I felt very broken cos I thought I would never get to do the things that I wanted to do. I negotiated with God in prayer, O God, change my parents' heart ( and I mean now!)

Date: 27/08/2007 08:52

To the rest: Hey I decided to stay. Very tough choice to make. Still grappling with lost so need yr prayers. Decided to honour parents, don't think they r ready for this decision. And also sense some incomplete work in the mkt place ministry. Had to surrender my dream to God. Anyhow, thanks for yr prayers. Believe that all things work for His good and He has a season for everything. =)

During this time, Philip Yancey's book on Prayer was very good. Does God answer prayers or not? If so, why are there people who still die after they believed in healing? What does prayer mean, do we really ask and receive? Can we change God's mind? Yancey emphasizes that prayer is a two-way thing with God, whereby God calls us as partners through prayer.

In light of these, I feel that God might have blessed me even if I went on the WV. But I felt He was very very kind. He knew the kind of affirmation I needed from my family. I cant say 100% whether I should have left and should not have left last year. But He taught me a lot indeed when I decided to stay. I saw His sovereign power working in my family to change their hearts, and this new job I am getting into is perhaps closer to what I really wanted.

Sometimes, God's direction for us is not "go to A" or "go to B". I believe it is a constant wrestle of to-and-fro with Jesus. He did not make us as zombies, but He wants us to align our desires with His as we get to know Him more. Hence I would not say there is a right or wrong in the decisions we make- in that sense. But ultimately, what is even more impt than the decision, is the attitude in which we approach God. And the peace we have in the midst of uncertainty- indeed being able to rest in times of darkness challenges our faith in God. Even as we say we trust God, the challenge comes when we are in this time of "waiting" whereby nothing seems to be happening.

Feed my sheep

2008-03-01T23:49:00.002+08:00

God has been really good to me. Always had a heart for youths, and there were quite a few that He brought into my path last year and this year! One of the most blessed friendship I treasure is the one with my intern, Y,who is 20 this year, and going to start uni in Japan in April this year. I feel that God has really blessed this friendship, and there is some sort of sharing of lives betw us, and loads of oppties to talk about God, about work, about life etc. Praise God that His kingdom is not contained within the church, but expands itself into the heart of the workplace. :) Every colleague is someone whom we can "pastor", "shepherd", "counsel". So many opportunities!

I'm getting busier as ministry stuff is building up, but not only that, I find many divine opportunities to speak into people's lives, many about emotional wounds. Sometimes I get so burdened and saddened by them.

Reading the gospels reminded me that Jesus, often went into solitude to pray. In light of many needs that He faced, He knew that the one thing He needed to do, was to abide in God.

The Answer

2008-02-23T00:26:00.002+08:00

The Answer
Lyrics by Corrinne May Ying Foo
Music by Gustav Holst, ‘Jupiter’ from The Planets Suite
Copyright 2006, Corrinne May Ying Foo

I believe you are the answer to every tear I’ve cried
I believe that you are with me,
My rising and my light.

Give me strength when I am weary
Give me hope when I can’t see
Through the crosses I must carry
Lord, bind my heart to thee

That when all my days are over
and all my chores are done,
I may see your risen Glory
Forever where You are.

----------------------------------
I spent 8 years in a charismatic church. I learnt the power of God, asking by faith (and other things of cos).
In the past 2 years, I learnt the dealings of God on the inside when we go through suffering.

For not everyday is a ask-and-you-shall-receive kind of day. Some days in the past 2 years, I felt like I was speaking to emptiness, and darkness. Some days I cried tears of sorrows. But in all these, God is present. He is sovereign, and He is faithful.

When we come to see the faithfulness of God, even when we go through the abyss of darkness, we know that He is present. Its all about trusting in His character.

U must know that the above is not because we pray in faithlessness. But really, it is because of faith, that we can rest and trust, whatever the outcome that it works for the good of those who love Him.

Been reading Psalms, and it speaks a lot about God being our deliverer, that He is the one who will fight the enemies for us. But an impt criteria, it is to rest and trust in Him to act on our behalf.

For in every victory, there is a death. On the cross, Jesus died for us, and from there we receive victory. In our lives, we take up the cross and follow Him. "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." Matt 16. We die to our flesh, but not so that we will die forever, but so that we may find true life in Him.

Counter-Culture Jesus

2008-02-07T23:18:00.000+08:00

I have been thinking about many things for the past few days. Some of my thoughts run unexpectedly, some triggered by others, some triggered by my inner struggles and fears.

This morning while waiting for my relatives to come, I watched Just Follow Law- a Jack Neo movie. I have not finished the whole movie, but the first 30 min of the movie at least caused a stir within me. This movie depicts the rules & regulations that bound the civil service, but other than that, it also reflects the day-to-day life struggles of a blue collared worker in Singapore. For things like buying a piano for her daughter, Gurmit Singh(blue collared worker) has to wait for his bonus to come. And even though he is unhappy in his job, he doesn't have much alternatives cos he is not very well educated, and has to support his young daughter.

Such realities of life in Singapore, which I never really experienced because my family is somewhat upper middle class.

Living in Singapore is getting expensive. And the mindset and culture of Singaporeans, I guess often is to be able to get a good education, a good job, and that sets you for a comfortable life. A cushy good job, so that maybe one day u can earn enough for that condominium, or that house u always wanted. Esp if I were the blue collared worker who strived so hard to get his bonus so that he could buy the piano for his daughter, why not aim for a higher standard of living. I see a glimpse of the struggles of daily living for the heartlander. And so I wrestle, as I thought about how I have (well, had) a cushy job, which could have landed me in that position of envy, of staying in a nice house, with a nice car, and comfortable living.

And so, before I went for visitation, I geared myself and prayed that God would guard my heart from the words that people may say to me. There were looks of surprises that I had quit my job. But somehow, it was not the people that created this stir in my heart. It was myself. Suddenly felt insecure that I was going on a different route from everyone.

And then I thought of Jesus and how He was counter culture, how He reached out to the prostitutes and the tax collectors- people in society whom others would not associate with. And then tonight as our car drove past Geylang, and I saw the streets filled with these women and foreign workers, my heart wretches with sadness. With sadness at how much the place needs God.

Had a good conversation with my uncle today, or rather he spoke most of the time. And he encouraged me in a way as he talked about missions and reaching out, and how if we could live out 40% of what the bible tells us to live, we are very good already. Because it is simply so tough to live out 100% of what the bible says. The bible is filled with radical stuff about giving up our all to follow Jesus, about loving our neighbours, about forgiving others. If we really did all that, this would be heaven on earth. Yet, I think we don't recognize this as a church, that we have failed in so many ways to fulfil the radical commandments of Jesus.

Somehow, God has placed within my heart such a love for the marginalized, I know it can only be His calling. And yet how greatly I struggle, just to cut down on my salary. I'm not even talking about going into foreign land or reducing my standard of living. Yes, I will still get to go home to my nice terrace house after work.

Oh Jesus...what would u do with this generation of people who struggle to give up their lives to follow after you? And how we are far from truly living out Your call for our lives?

One of the dearest things I've learnt after becoming a christian, is how loved I am. This makes me want to tell others how loved they are, and how precious they are to the Lord. I have gone through the journey, to know how one feels unworthy and condemned all the time. But I have received His healing and His love.

Indeed one of my other reflections during this season is of love & grace. The reason why we can't follow Jesus is because we don't know how much He loves us. Often we find that going to that ministry, or reaching out to that person is a hassle, cos we have not been radically touched by God's love on the inside. But once we know His everlasting and compassionate love, something changes in our hearts. And that is when one becomes radical for Christ.

Do not seek to be counter-culture, but seek Jesus, and He will teach you what to do. He will teach you how to love, how to live yr life, and how to feel in the way He feels about things.

"We need to be in that place. We're prisoners of love. Some people say, 'Oh, how noble. You're a missionary,', I'm just a prisoner of love. I don't have any choice. It is joy unspeakable and full of glory."
- Heidi Baker, Always Enough

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

Eph3:14-21

Radical love

2008-01-14T09:30:00.000+08:00

On sat and sunday night I went to conference with Heidi Baker, and my heart was deeply blessed by the testimonies and stories she shared about the poor and her ministry. One of the stories was about a Pastor A in Africa who was attacked and murdered by someone who was anti-christian. The church prayed for the pastor, and on the way to hospital, he rose from the dead. But his mouth was swollen from the beating. The police found the murderer and called pastor B who was with pastor A. Pastor B put the phone next to Pastor A, who said with his swollen mouth, pls forgive him (the murderer). The next day Pastor A's swollen mouth and body was totally healed, and he could go to church. There, he met the man who tried to murder him, at the church, who gave his life to Jesus. Since then, the man has become a pastor. :)

Another story speaks of Heidi reaching out to a man on the streets who cursed at her to 'Go to hell' for the 2 years that she tried to reach out to him. Nevertheless, she always brought food there and tried to chat with him because she loved him with the love of Christ. One day she was attacked by this other lady, and the man (patrick) saw it and wanted to call the police. But Heidi knew if he called the police, the lady would be jailed, so she stopped him. And eventually, Patrick covered her and brought her to safety. He started crying and said for 2 years, u have been sharing with me about Christ, now I understand the love of Christ demonstrated in you.

There were many stories Heidi shared as she talked about the Riches of the poor, from testimonies of ple rising from the dead, to miraculous salvations, to God's provision through multiplying of bread etc etc. But I was deeply blessed by the radical love that was demonstrated through these stories. In which they reached out to the prostitutes, the homeless, the abused (rape and violence), the hungry on the streets, the unwanted, and wasn't this really, God's incarnate love.

There were altar calls on two nights to kneel before the Lord and to surrender our lives to Him. I felt Jesus poured out His love for me, that it flowed freely through me. :) And Jesus told me that He was the lover of my soul that I need not seek it in another. My mouth was filled with praises and songs unto Him. I felt the deep compassion of Christ for the lost and the broken and I asked Him, how can I meet those needs. It was only through the free flowing love that He gave to us. And it was in the strengthening of the inner man through the revelation of God's love. (Eph 3:16) Suddenly I felt boldness.

I am not sure how my life may change after this. I did not respond to the call for full-time missionaries. I don't know if this is God's call for my life, I pray He will guide. In spite of my constant sharings about my heart for the poor & marginalized, I don't know if my heart is really that big. If it has space for so many people, and that when I say I give my life to Christ, whether I am really willing to love His people to the extend of sacrificing my life for them. I am scared what this call really means and need to continue to pray that what He has birthed in my heart will become clearer by the day. I hope that I may look beyond myself inwardly and instead look towards the source and His finished work. It is finished, and His love so unconditionally poured out on us.

Build up my faith

2008-01-07T09:01:00.000+08:00

I'm just going to briefly write down what I've been learning. I've been "forced" to take the mrt instead of the bus now that I've moved. Its usually a 10 min walk to the mrt, and the mrt is crowded so i've to stand. For the past few days now, I've began reading on the bus. I've been reading Always Enough by Roland & Heidi Baker, which is an account of God's work through the couple amongst the poor in HK, London, and finally Africa( Mozambique). Wow, their faith is amazing! And the faith needed to do missionary work in the third world is great! I'm so humbled, as I know that I don't have that kind of mountain moving faith. But if I can pinpoint what the year(s) of preparation means- God is preparing & building up my faith. Come on, if I cannot have faith in little things here, like work and talking to bosses and praying for my cell group members, what makes me think I can have faith for God's providence in missions, or God's miraculous power for the poor and sick? So much miracles are going on in the book. Yet not only miracles, but also many obstacles- serious ones of being chased out of their building, and having to feed & provide for the lodgings of 300 children after they were chased out. And everyday children turn up to their door steps, some have been raped multiple times, whereas others have seen their parents being killed in the war/on the streets, children with no arms and legs cos they are victims of abuse, and many have bloated tummies and flies sticking to them. It can get so disheartening and emotionally draining. I know that God is preparing me and building up my emotional capacity to be able to reach out to the people He has placed in my heart. But not just my heart, I gotto guard it and renew my mind this year. Shall continue to make it a point to meditate on God's word, believe in His promises and build up my faith on the way to work every morning! :) Remind me Jesus...

Was listening to a Corrinne May song, and it was in the context of her mum praying for her. Yet I became aware that Jesus is interceeding on our behalf in the heavenly realms. Dear God, thank you for yr song, for yr love for me. U are watching me grow, but also walking alongside of me. Help me to remember and to have faith in You. My God is big.

Prayer and hearing God

2007-11-28T22:26:00.000+08:00

I've been reading two books. The first book is Hearing God's Voice by Henry and Richard Blackaby.

One of the quotes that spoke to me:
"At times people get an assignment from God, then they race off to do it without waiting for the specifics of how and when he wants them to carry it out. For example, over the years we have been dismayed to see a number of men and women receive God's call to the ministry, but in their impatience to 'get at it', they neglected to seek God's further direction regarding how to prepare for a lifetime of ministry."

Wow, a lifetime of ministry indeed. Every day, every experience, every person we meet, is preparing us for a lifetime of ministry.

I was also very encouraged by Phillip Yancey's Prayer. He is one of those authors that u can read comfortably, one of those books that soothes your soul and deals with very real questions of doubts, fears etc. In essence, I am enjoying this book because it admits that it doesn't know all the answers.

"Prayer has become for me much more than a shopping list of requests to present to God. It has become a re-alignment of everything. I pray to restore the truth of the universe, to gain a glimpse of the world, and of me, through the eyes of God. In prayer, I shift my point of view away from my own selfishness...Prayer is the act of seeing reality from God's point of view."

In the book, Yancey speaks of coming before God in honesty because the way I think and feel as I pray, rather than words I speak may be the real prayer that God hears. The barrier to our intimacy with God is when we try to hide things from Him. We gotto trust Him with the things that He already knows. Yancey gives an analogy of how we share very superficial things with friends we are not close with. In a similar way, when we remain superficial with God, we can't get very intimate with Him.

One thing I felt affirmed me in my walk with Him this year ( yes time to do reflections, again), is how God searches in our hearts to reveal hidden sin and any forms of unrighteousness. Yet when we lay bare to God what is on the inside of our hearts, He still bids us to come and accepts us in our fallen state. It is almost as if He is saying He loves every part of me. And yes I am thankful.

In Prayer, Yancey speaks of a young Jewish girl. Etty Hillesum who kept a journal during her stay in Auschwitz, she wrote " Sometimes when I stand in some corner of the camp, my feet planted on Yr earth, my eyes raised towards Your Heaven, tears sometimes run down my face tears of deep emotion and gratitude... For once you have begun to walk with God, you need only keep on walking with God and all of life becomes one long stroll- a marvelous feeling."

I havent reached that stage of marvelous feeling yet. I don't know if I will. But for now, I know that all He wants is for me to be honest with Him abt everything.

Who Am I?

2007-11-20T22:40:00.001+08:00

Who Am I?
by Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Dietrich Bonhöffer, a young theologian of great promise, was martyred by the Nazis for his participation in a plot against the life of Adolf Hitler. His writings have greatly influenced recent theological thought. This article appeared in the Journal Christianity and Crisis, March 4, 1946. Used by permission. This article was prepared for Religion Online by Ted & Winnie Brock.

Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equally, smilingly, proudly,
Like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were
compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectation of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!

March 4,1946

Dear Holy Spirit

2007-11-06T22:55:00.000+08:00

A good friend's friend passed away suddenly in his sleep 2 days ago, and I found it hard to pray for her. I'm afraid my prayers sound hollow and empty in light of the pain she is experiencing.

Yesterday night while I was praying, I thought of the Holy Spirit, and a few verses came to my mind to encourage me greatly.

16 And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever-- 17 the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him; but you know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you.
Jn 14:16-17

19 Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? 20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's.
1 Cor 6:19-20

26 Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. 27 Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
Romans 8:26-28

Coming from a charismatic background, I could vividly remember days when the Holy Spirit was so near me, when I prayed loudly in tongues, when I worshiped God singing in the Spirit. Its not that I never experience the Holy Spirit now, its just that it somehow seems like a different move whereby He sometimes just cuts right into my heart speaking to me.

Oh dear Holy Spirit, I am reminded I am so much in need of you.

In the face of never-ending demands of different tasks to do, different deadlines, different ministries. At the end of the day, I need my comforter and helper to interceed with God for me, with deep groanings, to express the things I feel so deeply on the inside.

Sometimes these days, I just feel so tired, and I find rest in His presence. Oh dear Lord, dear Holy Spirit, don't leave me, but always be there to encourage and lead me on this journey.

The challenge

2007-10-14T21:19:00.001+08:00

2 weeks ago while I was at Indonesia, while Pastor D's little daughter was soundly and sweetly asleep in the hotel room, I had some quiet time to pen down my prayers. The words came fast and furiously, and easily filled up 7.5 pages of my notebook.

Over these 2 weeks, I think God is challenging my heart abt 2 main things:
1. Marketplace and me
Pouring out to God my disappointment at not being able to transit to a non-profit. I asked Him why Lord? It was somehow easier for me to reach out to the marginalized, and my heart never fails to leap with compassion. Almost like a commandment to Jonah to love the Ninevahs, is God's commandement to me to love the Singaporeans in the market place. I guess my stuggle is, God, they don't deserve this, they are comfortable, spend their money as their please, ignore the poor, and look, there are loads of people working in the company who are christians, why don't they do something about this?

Last week God threw in a challenge for me to love my neighbour as myself, through challenging situations in the workplace. And it has been difficult being loving, to see where God is leading, to surrender my pride to Him, to not be in defensive mode, but in patient & kind mode, to not be in agitated mode but in Lord I trust You mode. Yes, loving my neighbours in the mkt place is a challenge for me.

Added to that are feelings of inadequacy. God, these people are much more eloquent & intelligent than me. Where do I stand in speaking to them about You? Praying to God to empower me. And He has been teaching me in brokenness, is how He will use me.

Most recently the dreams I had 4-5 years back talking to businessmen in suits has recurred. The significance indeed, of being at a position to encourage people in the mktplace. To lift up our eyes beyond our work, to put Him first in all things, no matter how busy we are. These, indeed, are still challenges to me. With more stressful workloads these days, I no longer seem to have as much sleep & time to serve Him, and I think these can only be done supernaturally. May these be a testimony that shine for Him brightly.

Had a short chat with Pastor K on Sat, as he came for the RAYS leaders retreat. And he was so amazed and glad when I told him I had a CF in the company that meets up once every week during lunchtime, and we had held evangelistic outreaches too. He said, you must feel really supported! It was strangely encouraging, and contrasted greatly with the deep dullness in my heart that I was experiencing. This dullness of working, of stress and all that. That I forgot to give thanks to God for blessing me with a CF in the company, and a dearest mentor Clare, and it was indeed something to give thanks for. :)

2. Faith and me
E shared with the RAYS on the vision for 2008 on saturday. And there was this short video clip that was shown. It resounded in my head, DON'T GIVE UP! KEEP TRYING YOUR BEST. Keep going keep going. It stirred up images of the past where I had by faith, tried, and failed. And I am still living in the past failures, still recoiling from stepping up because I am afraid that I will fail again, afraid that I have heard Him wrongly in the past, or disappointed Him greatly. Couldn't help but tear again, as I felt His quiet assurance that He still had use for me, and He saw my heart.

The road ahead is indeed challenging, and I need loads of faith to believe in Him. Yet all He requires, I guess, is that of a mustard seed. With all I have. I tell Him that I surrender. I pray that He may use me in spite of how inadequate & weak I feel.

Into the dark cave

2007-09-21T23:15:00.000+08:00

I liked this article by Mark Galli, Listening for the Whisper

Abstract:
The problem with spectacle, especially religious spectacle, is that the steady, repeated, raucous noise will eventually make us hard of hearing. And that will make it impossible to hear God's normal tone of voice. He is not usually found in earthquake, wind, and fire, but in the small whisper, heard only by those who enter with Elijah into the dark cave.

This whisper is difficult to hear in the din of our culture and religious life. It is also frightening to even to try to listen for it, because to do so we must, like Elijah, enter the dark cave from whence the whisper emerges. That means stepping into mystery.
When you try to practice Elijah-like spirituality, says the author of The Cloud of Unknowing, you will at first

"feel nothing but a kind of darkness about your mind, or as it were a cloud of unknowing. You will seem to know nothing and feel nothing except a naked intent toward God in the depths of your being. Try as you might, this darkness and this cloud will remain between you and your God. You will feel frustrated, for your mind will be unable to grasp him, and your heart will not relish the delight of his love."

Withdrawal from the noise and glitter of religious spectacle sounds like a formula for spiritual suicide—how am I going to even experience God without the pounding of the music and electricity of the crowd and inspirational message of the dynamic preacher? "But learn to be at home in this darkness," says this author, "For in it, in this life, you hope to feel and see God as he is in himself, it must be within this darkness and this cloud."

Heart Matters

2007-09-08T21:13:00.001+08:00

Just came back from 2 day and 1 night Intentional Discipleship Making Conference (IDMC) conference. This year's theme was on Inspiring Resonance. It was my first IDMC conference, and the first conference I ever attended at CEFC, so I didn't really know what to expect. I was really blessed by the word that was preached, and I feel like God is doing an operation within my heart with every sermon. =) Its quite a strange experience as I didn't cry/weep, but it was just a very gentle nudging from the Holy Spirit in my heart and it brought tremendous peace. I guess it is what you can say I am cut to the heart by the Word of God. And it feels different, but it also feels very solid, as if it is a strong foundation to build on, not just an emotion or ra ra feel good feeling. I feel at peace now, don't feel like I am pumped up to change the world, just feel His endearing presence.

There are lots to share about, but I guess He is trying to teach me a few things. There was a lot of talk on the heart, and one of the sermons, it said that yr heart will affect what your hand did. What is in your heart? I knew He was speaking to me as He surfaced insecurity, fears, anxieties on the inside. All these things in my heart lead to the need for control & power, fears that I am not good enough, always wanting to prove myself by doing something.

Authenticity- so many of us carry fears in our hearts and relate to people on a very superficial level. Towards our brothers and sisters, we are okay, smiley and all. But deep inside the heart we are hiding so much pain and inadequacies that we feel. And I realise that only by being authentic can we build genuine friendships with people, i.e. have a shared resonance with others.

Leading from the inside out. I understand this concept better today. That when we lead from the inside out, we need not have fear, but we have a deep sense of restedness in Him. Authenticity, character, depth, restedness, security, significance, approval of God. Versus accomplishment, competence, expansion driven, restlessness, insecurity, success, applause of man. Why does the latter list sound so much like the things I have been trying to do? ;) For years of performance drivenness, needing to please others, wanting success, needing to see growth in ministry. But how blessed the soul that is at rest. One of the things that really spoke to me was Pastor Ed's emphasis on Following Jesus, that His call for us was not "advance my kingdom", but rather "abide in Me".

Based on my background, my idea of leadership conferences was lots of laying of hands for leaders and inner healing. Well-said, that sometimes these feel-good sessions are only a temporary relief, i.e. pasting plaster on cancerous cells. What needs to be removed and replaced on the inside is not dealt with. Yup, I remember those moments in the past when I sought the Lord for ministry, and felt His love & acceptance and cried buckets. Really thankful for the revelation of His love, but this conference has not just engaged my emotions, but also my mind. For example, Pastor Ed asked the leaders- why are we hurt? If we are hurt for following Jesus, REJOICE! And somehow this caused a breakthrough in my way of thinking. Was I following Jesus in every ministry experience that He has led me into? I think I earnestly was desiring to be a blessing to the people whom He placed in my hands. Yet it was painful-a statement he made "A lot of our pains are self-inflicted wounds because of self inflated egos." How true.

Somehow thought that if God called, then things should be smooth sailing. So why God did I have to go through the pains? Hmm. Perhaps part and parcel of service unto God is also taking up the cross. Taking account reality: of busy deadlines at work coming Monday, and other areas of service, it is easy to get discouraged. Yet God's calling doesn't promise us a smooth sail, it brings with it sets of challenges. In the midst of most unfruitful times, a deep work is being done on the inside.

One more thing about the rule of thumb in making decisions to ask ourselves, am I following Christ? If I am, I need not fear. To see in every difficult decision the spiritual realm- what is God trying to uncover, and what is satan trying to destroy. On the personal realm- what must I do to align with God and protect myself from the enemy's attack? Before we step into organizational matters to provide solutions.

So it made me think of my job decision- I believe that this was a decision that Christ would have made. What is God trying to teach me? I believe all of the above that I have typed on trust & restedness in Him. What is satan trying to do? He is trying to discourage me from the calling God has given to me to the marginalized.

Interestingly, Aunty M came over to pray for me at the end of the session. And she told me the same 2 things- rest and trust. The inside of me can't get over that God actually prefers me to rest as opposed to fighting it out and going for the option of WV. Don't know why God will prefer me to go by the seemingly more "comfortable" choice, feel that I should have the courage to go for the WV choice. And so I struggle with this. Yet many of them lies in my mind, I know that God is good, and I know He searches my heart and know what is on the inside. I hope what is on the inside is a desire to honour Him. Thank God for sending people to encourage me and pray for me. I will try hard to rest (oxymoron) cos I am not used to resting. ;) I think what is needed is a mindset of trust in Him. So dear Lord, lead me along in this journey with You. I am honoured that You give me this "unwanted" grace to be the person You want me to be, and all these things, only to give me the best- a closer walk with You.

Finally I guess, this whole idea of "servant" leadership is so topsy turvy. Overturns my whole idea of leadership, that our responsibility is leadership, but our position is a servant. What an honour to be serving my master. I don't know if I am able to do it with the many challenges ahead, but I know He can and will help me.

On Not Transforming the World

2007-08-18T18:50:00.000+08:00

Interesting persepective here. =)

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2007/augustweb-only/132-42.0.html

On Not Transforming the World
We have better and harder things to do than that.
Mark Galli

Hardly a day goes by that a book or an email doesn't arrive telling me how to "transform the culture" or "change the world."

In one recent email, a conference promised the attendance of many nationally recognized evangelical speakers. I went to the website and read that at this conference, among other things, I will "find out what it means to be inwardly strong and outwardly focused and to have a church body that desires to change the world from the inside-out!"

I have on my desk a book subtitled "The Passion and Practices of Missional Churches," and the subtitle for one chapter says that missional churches "expect to change the world." It leads with a quote from a well-known futurist, who says, "It is still God's policy to work through the embarrassingly insignificant to change his world and create his future." The book points to one Southern California church and says, "The ultimate criteria for determining its effectiveness is the transformation of Los Angeles."

Are they ever in for a big disappointment. On top of that, I'm now worried for Los Angeles.
I hesitate to cheer for cultural transformation, though not because I like the world just the way it is. Hardly. I read the paper this morning. I hesitate, though not because I don't believe that the church impacts the world. It has impacted the world and will continue to do so. I hesitate because I think the goal of transforming our city, our culture, or our world can lead to little good.
The church is rightly embarrassed by well-lit displays of the Crusades, the Inquisition, murderously Reformed Geneva, and the Salem witch trials in history's hall of shame. What do all these events have in common? They were motivated by a desire to transform the culture, if not the world, into a kingdom of God. When we get on that kick, history has repeatedly shown that even Christians will destroy a village to save it.

To be sure, Christians ought to care about the sad plight of the culture and the world. And we ought to recognize that we are at least partly responsible for the mess. Then we should recognize that God wants us to work against injustice and evil.

It's the next step that gets us into trouble. We recall verses like this: "Go and make disciples of all nations … " and "You are to be my witnesses in all the world … ." So we make the leap of faith and start preaching, "We've got to change the world!"

We are certainly responsible for going to the ends of the earth and making disciples from people of every nation. There is plenty in Scripture about doing justice and loving mercy and feeding the hungry and caring for the widow and orphan. But I find little or nothing about us having the task of transforming the culture.

We fall into this rhetoric because we know the problems we face are huge and we feel so small. We worry that if we don't boldly proclaim that we can "change the world," everybody will give up before we even begin. We all face the common temptation of Adam and Eve. We want to feel significant. We want to feel like we're players. We want to make a difference in the world. And only by imagining that we can change the world do we think our actions have any meaning.
This, of course, runs in the opposite direction of Jesus' ethic, which is about service. Servants aren't about world-changing initiatives as much as about washing the dirty feet of the travelers sitting at their kitchen table. Jesus never tells us to do anything because it will transform the culture. Surprisingly, he didn't seem interested in transforming the Roman Empire, one of the most oppressive and unjust cultures in history. He seemed rather to think that society would always have economic disparity, and that not only should changing Rome not be a priority, but also we should not even object to underwriting it with our taxes.

To be sure, he says we can be "the salt of the earth" and "the light of the world." As such, we can indeed give the world a glimpse of kingdom life so that many will give glory to God (Matt. 5:12-14). But there's nothing there about the world being transformed. What Jesus wants us to do primarily, it seems, is to love those right in front of our noses.

I remain puzzled as to why we're so bored with the very things Jesus asks us to do, like picking that foreigner up out of the ditch, giving away our goods to the poor, going to court with a young man who's being railroaded by the system, taking an orphan into our home, going the extra mile with the oppressive and manipulative, forgiving the offender, baptizing, and witnessing. I find these things really, really hard to do. I fail all the time. If I can't even do these things well, why would I believe that I could transform my culture, let alone change the world?

Just because Jesus doesn't ask us to change the world doesn't mean, of course, that it's not going to eventually be transformed. Even the apostles knew they were incapable of making a heavenly kingdom out of this mess we call history: "Lord, will you at this time restore the kingdom?" While rightly anxious to see the world transformed, they knew who was responsible for transforming it.

In the meantime, we have our little jobs to do. And as Jesus put it, "Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" (Mt. 6:34).

Pillar of cloud & fire

2007-07-29T21:34:00.000+08:00

I knew that He was going to speak to me during today's service. I just didn't know how sharp the Word would be. Pastor Ed gave an example of a guy who wanted to change jobs and rationalised God had spoken to him through the Pastor's sermon asking him to come out of Egypt. Gosh. Thank you God for warning me, that I shouldn't rationalise things or light my own fire and follow my own path because You hadn't spoken clearly. 2 mistakes we make in the wilderness: 1) There is no hope 2) Light our own fires, walk our own paths.

Isn't that how I have been feeling for some time? Where are you God?

I needed the reminder, God always leads us. He guides us compassionately, constantly and clearly. :)

Don't miss out on trusting the name of the Lord. Don't miss out on intimacy. Don't miss out on what He wants to change on the inside- Fear, anxiety and intimidation.

God, I need a double portion of Yr grace for the week ahead. =) I know You will guide me.

Light in the darkness

2007-07-22T00:06:00.001+08:00

A glimpse of His light to encourage me through the darkness. :)
I had wanted to go to Queensway shopping centre today to grab/browse some misc stuffs for my trip like a bag pack, sleeping bag and sunglasses. And also to SKS to get the evangelism cube. And tmr (sun) is my cousin's ROM, so I don't get to go to church. Was wondering abt attending a church in the redhill/tiong bahru area, and that was when Darryl asked me for his church service at COOS. I've been there before, but thought God wanted me there. And so I went. Lo, today was Missions weekend, and Pastor Hong started talking about verses from Isaiah of taking care of the "alien" aka foreign workers in our land, doing missions in Singapore. And I knew God wanted to speak a message to me. I'm quite encouraged by how He spoke to me through this mini incident and that He remembers me.
I've been feeling a bit down for the past week. Things are quite rough at home with dad's op. : ( Esp what he said to sis about how he cannot depend on the two of us, and how we never take care of the family. It hurts. It troubles...when I think of his response if I were to ever change job.

Work has been tough, receiving not-so-nice emails, and tasks that appear foreign at times. At times when I feel like quiting and say God I give up, why am I spending so much time/sweat/effort on something that doesn't seem to make sense to me?

And then reminded all over over and over that He has His plans and purposes for me. As the goliaths get slain one by one..surely I am reminded that it is one step at a time. Thank You Lord. =)For yr presence in the midst of the problems.

Dinner was so good yest night with Q and HY, whom I can be myself and share things fr my heart. I like the bonding.

Oh Jesus Jesus..lead me in Your ways. Jesus the light in the darkness...the one to set the captives free, to heal the broken hearted.

Trust and obey

2007-07-10T22:27:00.000+08:00

On Saturday I continued reading Heaven Lake a book that I had put aside for some months. And I enjoyed myself being at home, arranging clothes and reading. It was a novel that talked abt the travel experiences of a missionary- Vincent, to Taiwan, and how due to his sleeping with a student, was beaten up by the girl's brother. And so due to circumstances (too complicated to elaborate here), he had to travel through China. I could identify with this sense of disonance from one's surroundings. And it scared me to read about how he was bullied, robbed and conned by the chinese. It taught me that I must surely be more worldly wise and emotionally strong to be a missionary.

But most of all, it reminded me of the love of Christ, we were sinful, how He loved us.

There was one particular scene in the book at the bus station whereby a poor woman was being thrown stones at by the bus drivers, because she was dirty and smelly. And Vincent, in all his guilt/condemnation/wonder-if-God-existed state, walked up to the woman, helped her and sent her to the hospital, only to find out that she was huddling in her blanket 2 dead infant corpses.

What can I say? The imperfect love of a sinner? How often I've experienced that too with God, not being at a perfect state of submission and trust with Him, yet having the opportunities to help those in need. Somehow something stirs on the inside to help in my state of inadequacy.

Sunday I went to a talk in church by a missionary too, and it was good hearing about what He was doing in the country... All that made me realise the loads of work that is left to be accomplished. And last week I've been feeling sad about my state of singlehood, and thinking about a life partner. Bcos I have plans of serving God, and some of them may not be so normal, so I worry about whether I will find someone. But reading and hearing about missions made me realise how much work there was to do, and I shouldn't be spending so much time mopping around about my loneliness. I know that God will supply. May He help me find someone who will serve Him together with the same passion. For now, I don't have to wait for that one to be serving Him wholeheartedly. :)

Lunch with Clare was good, and I chewed on something she said, about seeking God for who He is, wanting to be more like Him, versus seeking Him for direction. I thought I knew that all along, but I realise that more and more, I've become anxious and unhappy about not knowing which direction to go. And no longer was at rest, happy, or joyful at simply being. Being a child of God, being loved by Him, being more like Him. I felt so fallen, and asked Him to forgive me..I know it happens often how busy I get serving Him, but they are just dead works if done without faith.

I realise I don't really trust God. One of the other things He is nudging me about. heh. A gentle nudge though, as always, come to realise that God speaks with a gentle voice and does not force us into it. Ultimately we decide how we want to act on it. But He has been telling me about Trust and Obey. Just 2 words but speaks volumes. If only I would be able to trust Him for my job, relationships, ministry, unsaved, poor, broken hearted. If only I would obey Him about those things, serve Him joyfully, and acknowledging He is ultimately sovereign. Wouldn't that save me a lot of heartache? Alas, trust....though easy to say is hard. I realise that I've been missing out on reading His word, and chewing on His word. Believing like it is life to my soul....like it is bread to my life.

WHOOOhhoooo I'm not too sure what kinda post this is, just have a lot to say I guess. And I'm not sure if anyone visits my spiritual blog. Hopefully some of the things I say may be applicable as well and will speak to you. :)

I shall end by saying that God loves me. And He loves you too. Thank You Lord for Yr great and amazing love.

Breakthrough weekend

2007-06-17T19:12:00.000+08:00

It was simply an amazing weekend, meeting God afresh and the heart operations that He has done inside me. Thank You Lord.

Not sure where to begin, but many of the bible verses that were preached cut through my heart. Some of them were things that God had showed me before, and so it was a reminder that God had not forgotten me and remembered all that He had spoken.

Isaiah 42 spoke most to me, it was quoted by the worship leader in the first session, and later by Valerie.

6 "I, the Lord, have called You in righteousness, And will hold Your hand; I will keep You and give You as a covenant to the people, As a light to the Gentiles, 7 To open blind eyes, To bring out prisoners from the prison, Those who sit in darkness from the prison house. 8 I am the Lord, that is My name; And My glory I will not give to another, Nor My praise to carved images. 9 Behold, the former things have come to pass, And new things I declare; Before they spring forth I tell you of them."

This verse spoke to me, because walking through the days of valley, I had forgotten that God was the light, and He wanted to cut through the darkness in my heart, and to set me free from every emotional bondage. It was very reassuring. And not only that, I think after getting healed, after I have experienced God's love, I can be a "wounded healer", a light to the gentiles, a light to the depressed. Something that's in my heart. But I'm not the healer, I can only minister with the faith of God being the light.

At night, Pastor Ann talked about Jonah and Nineveh. The unwilling prophet. Perhaps self righteous too? It came to my mind who my Ninevites were....and they were businessmen and rich christians who didn't care abt the poor. I've been angry with them. And ya...Jonah had a reason to be angry, but yet God says, look at my heart, look at what I desire for these people, look with eyes of compassion and see beyond the surface. During ministry time, she asked for us to release forgiveness. I felt like a stone, didn't feel I had unforgiveness towards people, and had dealt with those issues. Started praying for C, and C also held my hand and prayed...she was praying for herself, but everything that she prayed for, applied to me, and cut into my heart! I couldn't help sobbing and crying uncontrollably....I realised what had happened inwardly, I was so sad abt people whom I couldn't help in the cell grp (CHC), and blamed myself inwardly for everything. I felt so rejected by the cell members and unappreciated. But ya...it was such a tremendous healing and presence of the Lord, that totally left me sobbing for a long long time. Thank you C, if u are reading this...how amazing our paths crossed.

Day 2 was another amazing day and touch from the Lord, after He had revealed to me the chief issue bothering me on day 1....Valerie talked abt being rooted and nourished in Christ. 3 areas of drought that she mentioned was loneliness and vocation. Hmm....both my areas of struggle. And she said God's word for the lonely was do not fear, I am with you. This totally like resonnated with the verse God always encouraged me with...Fear Not, I am with you. And yar...the flood gates opened again. I realise how much I need a refreshing touch and presence of God...of the Holy Spirit. And I wept like crazy, just being so loved by the Lord, with His assurance that He was with me in my every pain. I had this image of God putting His arms around me and hugging me, that made me cry even more.

Hmm, I went for ministry prayer, and I am amazed that CEFC also has deliverance! Knowing CEFC daily gives me more and more surprises of what is in stored. I liked it that it was personal and in a room, and the ministry workers talked to me before they prayed for me. And yar, I was slain, feeling God's weight...and as they prayed for me, I felt such a deep sense of release from the performance trap, from the unbelief and cynicism. Most of all, they prayed against the burden bearing spirit. It was such a great sense of release, letting God be God over all the burdens I had for His people, for the poor, for the non-christians.

Yar...so I've been crying buckets and I'm not sure if I can cry anymore. I'm thankful, and renewed my love for Jesus....I'm going to renew my mind daily from now onwards that I am a child of God, and I know that His grace will lead me onward. =)

Anyway, I want to share that I've been so blessed being in the fellowship of the christian women for the past 3 days. It has been an eye opener seeing God working in their lives. It has been encouraging to see women the age of my mother so fervant for the Lord....All of us go through different journeys in life, yet He is the potter, working in our lives to mould us. And...I am really encouraged by how various women have given up part of themselves, whether time/talent/youth etc, to serve the Lord. I am so blessed to be in CEFC at this stage in my life. A new kind of disciple...I am thankful that the church is building such disciples, not just outward forms, but disciples from deep within.

Letters to a young evangelical on Church

2007-05-02T09:25:00.000+08:00

"Young people often tell me that they are wary of the institutional church because they believe it is filled with hypocrites. Well, it is. What these people fail to understand, however, is that it is because the church is filled with hypocrites that they'll be right at home in it. If they don't think their own lives are filled with hypocrisies, then they are blind to the truth. We in the church mad no bones about it. We acknowledge our hypocrisy. We believe that everyone is a hypocrite, if by "hypocrite" we mean someone who does not live up to his or her declared ideals and does not practice what he or she preaches. Most of us in the church recognize that we fall short of our goals, but we acknowledge our shortcomings and have come together to help one another overcome our failures. As the old saying goes, "We're not what we ought to be, but then we're not what we used to be." The apostle Paul spoke for all of us in Philippians 3:13-14 when he acknowledged that he wasn't perfect but was still striving to become what God wanted him to be. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is the same thing I'd tell anyone else: if you ever find the perfect church, don't join it—because your joining will ruin it!

In spite of all its flaws and shortcomings, I still believe that the church is filled, for the most part, with decent and caring people who will be there when you need them. The loving fellowship that the church often provides is exemplified in a story that a Presbyterian pastor once told me about his early days of ministry at a small country church. One day, a young woman came to the church to present her child for baptism. She had given birth to the child out of wedlock; in a small rural community, a woman who has done this can easily find herself shunned. The day of the baptism, the woman stood alone before the congregation, holding her child in her arms. The pastor hadn't recognized the awkwardness of the situation until he asked, as is customary in a baptismal service, "Who stands with this child to assure the commitments and promises herewith made will be carried out? Who will be there for this child in times of need and assure that this child is brought up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord?" At that moment, he realized that there was no godmother or godfather on hand to answer the question. But, as though on cue, the entire congregation stood and with one voice said, "We will!"

Those who think that church people are all bad should have been around on that Sunday, when they would have had a chance to see the church at its best. They would have seen the church as a nurturing community. That kind of church is worth your time."

Taken from Tony Campolo's Letters to a Young Evangelical.
For more, read here: http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2007/mayweb-only/118-22.0.html

This abstract I copied out really resonated within me. Coming one full circle from attachment to the church--> disillusionment--> detachment from the church.

The Dark Night of the Soul

2007-04-27T23:17:00.000+08:00

"To take seriously the Discipline of solitude will mean that at some point or points along the pilgrimage we will enter what St John of the Cross vividly describes as 'the dark night of the soul'. The 'dark night' to which he calls us is not something bad or destructive. On the contrary, it is an experience to be welcomed much as a sick person might welcome a surgery that promises health and well-being. The purpose of the darkness is not to punish or to afflict us. It is to set us free. It is a divine appointment, a privileged opportunity to draw close to the divine Centre...

What does the dark night of the soul involve? We may have a sense of dryness, aloneness, even lostness. Any overdependence on the emotional life is stripped away. The notion, often heard today, that such experiences should be avoided and that we always should live in peace and comfort, joy and celebration only betrays the fact that much contemporary experience is surface slush. The dark night is one of the ways God brings us into a hush, a stillness so that he may work an inner transformation upon the soul. ..

How is this dark night expressed in daily life? When solitude is seriously pursued, there is usually a flush of initial success and then an inevitable letdown- and with it a desire to abandon the pursuit altogether. Feelings leave and there is the sense that we are not getting through to God. St John of the Cross describes it this way '... the darkness of the soul mentioned here...puts the sensory and spiritual appetites to sleep...It binds the imagination and impedes it from doing any good discursive work, It makes the memory cease, the intellect becomes dark and unable to understand anything, and hence it causes the will also to become arid and constrained, and all the faculties empty and useless. And over all this hangs a dense and burdensome cloud which afflicts the soul and keeps it withdrawn from God.'....

' Oh, then, spiritual soul, when you see your appetites darkened, your inclinations dry and constrained, your faculties incapacitated for any interior exercise, do not be afflicted; think of this as a grace since God is freeing you from yourself and taking from you your own activity.' (St John of the Cross )

From Celebration of Disciplines
Richard Foster

Strangely for no reason, was emotionally feeling so down for the whole of this week. It was as if a dark cloud loomed over me, and I saw no light out of these feelings of sadness. It is as if...the victory and revelations of yesterday suddenly came to naught and I was back to square one of aloneness.

The longer I am a christian, the more I don't think I know God at all. Who are you God? I stop myself to ask this question everyday. When I was younger, I thought I could be somebody- that cell leader, that spiritual mentor, the bible study teacher. Now I am simply nothing, can't claim to be anybody, except someone saved graciously by the love of God.

Dear God, Thank You for never letting me go amidst all the circumstances. Thank You for yr gracious love toward me.

So complete in You, I am...

Complete - Parachute Band

Here I am, Oh God
I bring this sacrifice
My open heart, I offer up my life
I look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to you Lord
In your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now, let your love fall down on me
I know your love dispels all my fears
Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And by faith I will walk on Lord
Then I'll see beyond my calvary one day
And I will be complete in You

I look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

Hiding behind the Cross

2007-04-10T22:36:00.000+08:00

I finally finished the book Good News to the Poor by Tim Chester, and I must say, I rank it as one of the best books I've read. :) It provides a very balanced view of reaching the poor through the gospel and through social involvement.

In the second last chapt, I learnt of this word called "Christendom"- which is the term used to refer to those countries and regions that consider themselves Christian. It involves the church "using or influencing political power to protect its interests and further its mission".

I never quite managed to capture why I felt this sense of discomfort whenever there was mentioning of how Christians will go into the marketplace and be in positions of authority and power and convert the whole culture. In some ways I believe in that, and yet in other ways, I think this book captures it well. He says, "Christian ministry is not conducted through political power or media influence. It is conducted in the upside down, unpredictable power of the cross. It is conducted through weakness and dishonour."

"The church became aligned with the establishment so that those who were marginalized within society were therefore marginalised from the church... The involvement of Christians in cultural and civic life ought to be motivated by love of neighbour, not by self-interest- not even by the corporate self interest of the evangelical movement."

"The church as the church should not seek power or influence in a secular sense. Instead it should seek opportunities to serve the world. As the church follows the way of the cross, it must choose 'participation in the powerlessness of God in the world'. It stands with the weak and the powerless. It speaks on behalf of those whose voice is not heard. It seeks justice for the poor."

He closes with this poem which I find quite meaningful, and touched my heart.

Jesus, Jewel of the Poor
Steward Henderson

From the crystal courts of heaven
to the fly-blown stable floor,
this is a different kind of glory-
Jesus, jewel of the poor.

Visionary of unknown planets
strolls unnoticed by the shore,
this is a sparse and modest glory-
Jesus, jewel of the poor.

Made the dust walk by his breathing,
weeping image of the Law,
this is a strangely chosen glory-
Jesus, jewel of the poor.

Zeal of heaven hangs exhausted,
bore the gouge of Satan's claw,
this is a beaten, hopeless glory-
Jesus, jewel of the poor.

Homeless Saviour of the nomad
lifts the starving through his door,
this the just and finished glory-
Jesus, jewel of the poor.

-------------

How precious the cross. How precious the Father's love for us.
The power of the cross...."power in weakness, victory in failure and glory in shame".

Once saved always saved?

2007-03-29T22:30:00.000+08:00

We had an interesting cg session on Monday, and we were talking about whether we can lose our salvation. I think thats a whole huge debate that has been going on for ages. So where is my stand on it? It reminds me of that faithful day when I was in Burger King, debating this with J, and being angry when he insisted on this concept of once saved always saved. But then a lightbulb lit and I saw it from a different perspective, of how our salvation is not upheld by our own hands or by our works, but how a good God protects our faith from being destroyed. Yup, and what good news that everyday I live my life as a christian knowing that He is keeping me...He is keeping me from falling. And I don't have to worry, did I pray enough today, was I nice to someone today, and will I wake up the next day in heaven? Cos I am assured that I will be in heaven with faith in my God.

Yet, another aspect that makes me not so comfortable...Remembering the warnings in the bible of those who come to God, and the reply was that, I do not know you. Or how about choosing the goats and the sheep? Hmm. Maybe I am not reading those verses in its entire context. Somehow sometimes I feel that it is so unfair that some people could be really nice and all, but yet they end up in hell because they don't know God. That's prob so why I think what C.S. Lewis said makes much sense...in my blog some time ago, about how people are in the process of being saved. Hmm.

And maybe with the concept that God is all accepting, we may not be inspired to do more works. The other opinion is that because I know God is all accepting, therefore I am even more encouraged to serve Him more. But I don't know how many of us take God's grace for granted. I know for me I tend to err on the other extreme of legalism. So I don't know if we can err on the side of grace. Or can we be all comfortable and all being christians, knowing we are saved and yet not doing anything about it. And also how radical is this call of God in our lives?

I dread growing older and compromising on God's call, just find a good husband, marry, have kids and earn a steady income. Be faithful serving in a church. Maybe that is a calling. Maybe that is not? It is always easier to think that being called to serve in Singapore in the mkt place is our calling, because the alternative seems much more difficult. Don't mistake me, I think that it is a challenge as well being in a ministry say of serving lawyers and reaching out to them. I am sure sometimes it just gets really lonely esp when yr peers have different values from you. But yes, it must be a calling to stay in a job and to serve in this manner. I wonder how many of us has never ever stopped to ask God what our calling is, but simply continue with our dreams and aspirations as if our lives were our own....continue making plans for our retirement, and for our etc etc.

Hai, this is a very intensed post as u can see, I've been thinking a lot about these things. And I am scared of losing myself. I am scared of compromising and going with the norm.

Yest during counseling class we were talking about singlehood, and there was this lady who said if she had a 4K salary, she will not consider someone who was earning 2K. Hmm. And on the inside I was thinking how diff people value different things. Like for me, I value more that a person is living out his life in God's plan and will. And yah, if someone gave up prospects to serve God full time, I will be so inspired by this man who goes against the norms (again not suggesting that it is godly only if someone does that). I'm wondering if I will find someone who has crazy ideas like me. ;D I wonder if anyone feels like me. Or am I going crazy. I sometimes wonder if being at peace with yrself and with the world is a good thing. Because maybe the world is not so peaceful afterall and it needs us to fight a good fight.

Is it time to start anew?

2007-03-25T18:23:00.000+08:00

I'm so thankful for the sermon today, and this one phrase that Pastor Ed shared lingers in my heart even now. Peace is not the absence of trouble but the presence of God. It brings to my mind my journey back then in ministry, thinking about whether the many troubles that happened to my cell group members and myself meant that I was not called to serve in this area. And this sermon gave me a revelation that perhaps God had wanted me to walk through the troubles, with His presence by my side. Not to fix my eyes on the problems and fixing my eyes on what He has called me to do.

Seeing the video today with the vibrant youths made my heart leap with excitement. Youths...an age where they are so mouldable and in need of proper guidance. In need of love and their love tank to be filled. It stirred deep within me memories of youths jumping up and down in CHC. Heh. It reminded me of how yielded youths can be. And I remembered the faces of youths who felt unloved, who dropped out from school, who took up smoking, who felt lonely, who struggled with their studies, who were upset with their friends...Tears of healing streaming down faces of youths...Oh gosh, this love I've for youths. Though I have some apprehensions, my counseling teacher said before, if yr own love tank is empty, u have nothing to offer others! I wonder if my love tank has been refilled. Or do I need more time?

Loving the excluded

2007-03-17T22:02:00.000+08:00

Worth thinking about:

1) Stan and Mari Thekaekara work with tribal peoples in the Nilgiris Hills of India. Their reflections on visiting a number of projects in inner city areas of the UK are reproduced in a report from the Centre for Innovation in Voluntary Action:

"On arriving in the UK, it is difficult at first for a visitor from a Third World country to immediately perceive that poverty exists at all. Everyone was better housed, clad and fed. Everyone seemed to have a television, a fridge- some even had cars- all items of luxury for the majority of people in India. But as the week went by we began to see beyond the televisions, refrigerators and cars. Amazingly, similarities between the people of Easterhouse* and Paniyas of the Nilgiris began to emerge. Though the face of poverty was completely different, the impact was exactly the same. - cited in Ingrid Hanson, Faces of Poverty: The State of Britain in the 90s."

-Tim Chester, Good News to the Poor

*Note:
A district of Glasgow, Easterhouse lies to the east of the city centre- the settlement came to be associated with high unemployment, poverty and deprivation. In the 1990s the Greater Easterhouse Development Company was formed to help attract industry to the area.

2) When Christ said: "I was hungry and you fed me," he didn't mean only the hunger for bread and for food; the hunger to be loved. Jesus experienced this loneliness. He came amongst his own and his own received him not, and it hurt him then and it has kept hurting him. The same hunger, the same loneliness, the same having no one accepted by and to be loved and wanted by. Every human being in that case resembles Christ in his loneliness; and that is the hardest part, that's real hunger.

-Mother Teresa

Calling

2007-03-17T11:43:00.000+08:00

I thought this was pretty good and it spoke to me..

GRACE@WORK MAIL 11/07
[March 16, 2007 Edition]

"I tell you the solemn truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains by itself alone. But if it dies, it produces much grain."
(John 12:24 NET)

Commentary: One Life to Live

She had a professional qualification in accounting and had worked in one of the Big 4 accounting firms for a while. But deep down she knew she was a teacher with a special love for preschoolers. And so she resigned from her accounting job and became a kindergarten
teacher in her church. The drop in salary was drastic. She had to take another job to make ends meet. But her faith was strong. And her joy was real.

Her story moved me profoundly.

If you are a regular reader of this column you will know that I do not divide jobs on the basis of whether they are secular or spiritual. If you are a regular reader of this column you will know that I champion the call for Christians to understand that God calls us into all sorts of work and
not just into church related work. And we definitely need God's people in the Big 4!

But what moved me about my friend's decision was that she had the courage and the faith to be true to her heart's call.

There will be those who will call her decision a waste. What a waste to give up a job of such earning potential. What a waste of her had earned expertise in accountancy. And doesn't she know how expensive it is to live these days? Doesn't she know the crushing effects of inflation on those of us who are not rich?

I heard the same arguments when I came to understand that God wanted me to leave dentistry to be a full time minister of the Word. I had expected that non-Christian friends would have found it difficult to accept such a counter-cultural decision. What I didn't expect was that most of the resistance to my leaving dentistry to go into a church related vocation came from Christians.

I would have thought that Christians would be the first to understand that our lives are not our own and that we are all but stewards of the lives we have received. I would have thought that Christians would understand that their security lies ultimately in the Lord and not in the monthly pay cheque, and that the most secure place one can be is walking in the will of the Lord wherever that journey takes you.

I was wrong.

It seems that many churches are not places that encourage people to discover their vocations, and support them as they embark on their God-given adventures. And it seems like this reluctance to think of life in vocational terms is not new.

At the age of 30, Albert Schweitzer decided to leave his position as principal of a theological seminary to enter medical school to prepare to be a missionary doctor to Africa. He talks about the resistance he received.

"My relatives and friends reproached me for the folly of my enterprise. They said I was a man who was burying the talent entrusted to him and wanted to trade in false currency. I ought to leave work among Africans to those who would not thereby abandon gifts and achievements in scholarship and the arts...

In the many adversarial debates I had to endure with people who passed for Christians, it amazed me to see them unable to perceive that the desire to serve the love preached by Jesus may sweep a man into a new course of life. They read in the New Testament that it can do so, and found it quite in order there.

I had assumed that familiarity with the sayings of Jesus would give a much better comprehension of what to popular logic is not rational."
(Albert Schweitzer, Out of My Life and Thought, Baltimore: The Johns Hopkins
University Press, 1998, pp. 81-95.)

We cheat the world of the Schweitzers in our midst by not encouraging our people to find and pursue their vocations. And we cheat ourselves and our children from living lives of meaning and significance.

How do we discover our vocation? I believe discovering our vocation is a life long journey. A good starting place is to consider the primary calls on our lives. We have been called to love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love our neighbour as ourselves (Mark 12:29-31). With my abilities, burdens and opportunities how do I best love God and neighbour at this point of my life?

And here is Frederick Buechner's oft quoted advice:

"By and large a good rule for finding out (your life calling) is this: the kind of work God usually calls you to do is the kind of work (a) that you need most to do and (b) that the world most needs to have done. If you really get a kick out of your work, you've presumably met requirement (a), but if your work is writing cigarette ads, the chances are you've missed
requirement (b). On the other hand, if your work is being a doctor in a leper colony, you
have probably met requirement (b) but if most of the time you're bored and
depressed by it, chances are you have not only bypassed (a), but probably
aren't helping your patients much either. Neither the hair shirt nor the soft berth will do. The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."
(Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Theological ABC, New York: Harper &
Row, 1973, p.95.)

I also believe there is no ideal time to pursue one's vocation. Some of us carry heavy financial responsibilities --- aged parents to care for, children to feed etc. The Lord knows that. We may have to do one job to put food on the table while pursuing our vocation outside of work time --- and striving to do our best in both responsibilities. Others may have to wait
for another season in their lives to pursue their vocation full time.

The Lord knows the details of your life and will work out everything in the end. Nothing will be wasted. We are to follow God in the realities of our life and not in some romantic never-never land.

But what all of us need is the courage and faith of my young friend who became a kindergarten teacher. At some point we need to choose the security of obeying God over the security that comes from popular logic. And when we do that we find life, life for others and life for ourselves.

Your brother,
Soo-Inn Tan
Email: sooinn@graceatwork.org

Setting my house in order

2007-03-04T19:04:00.000+08:00

God has been teaching me a lot of things this week. Just by my mum fracturing her ankle, and how we are all adjusting life at home without her. Also the cosy visits at the hospital room, perhaps get to talk much more and interact with my parents than ever before.

Today I brought Q to church, and I felt such a tremendous sense of peace and amazement of how He is just moving in her life :). Really everything in His time. And today pastor was talking about enlarging our tents and how knowing God was such a fantastically joyful thing, because you do not just receive forgiveness, but it gives u a new life. I am so amazed at how simple evangelism can actually be, which is simply: sharing the good news of a loving Father who loves you unconditionally. Flipping thru sermon notes, and saw what Pastor Edmund had said before, that God pours His love unconditonally, but from men's point of view, we cannot receive it. But once the heart is open...wow, the love pours forth into the heart and heals the broken heartedness. God's love has always been the thing that saw me through every difficult situation, no matter how difficult, lonely or depressed I felt, I know that my greatest comforter is God.

And so maybe in this post I will just blabber a bit. :) Ha... so many thoughts running through my mind right now. How good He is, and how amazing He has called me to a new place, a new church where I can call my home, and yup, where I can "come out of Egypt", into a new land of milk and honey.

Today the topic was on broken down walls, and accessing those walls in our lives and taking decisive action. A broken down wall for me is definitely family relationships. I have fears of/about my parents that go down so deep, and I don't like to acknowledge these fears. Perhaps it is more comforting sweeping them under the carpet. Yet the word spoken today reminded me that I should face those fears that are hidden, and from there receive healing and move forward. And this whole incident of my mum being hospitalised...I must say it just came so close...it's right 1 week after the quarrel I had with Dad about going to Africa with World Vision for a trip. I was very upset then with my parents, and cried out and travailed with God for an hour at least, and felt a deep sense of burden. Fasted during the week. I believe that God is doing a new work in my life. I believe that He is calling me to come out of Egypt, out of my fears & bondages that hold me back for He is doing something new in my life.

Just thought of how good God is, to help me set my house in order first- the inner conditions of my heart and in the family. :)

I'm very tired. But very very thankful from the depths of my heart. :)

Was reading Tim Chester's book again yesterday, and he wrote about:
"Godly contentment is not about austerity or ascentricism. It is about enjoyment.. involve opting for something of greater value."
I was reflecting about whether I am really trying to spend less/live simply out of legalism (aka treating it as a sacrifice), or do I really enjoy the choices that I have made? Am I really convicted that choosing God is far more satisfying than the alternative (material satisfaction)? With this mind blowing revelation, I realise that choosing God is actually for my own good rather than a sacrifice. He loves us too much to not give us what is best for us. Just that humanly, we sometimes cannot grasp that the alternative is so valuable.

Not what it seems

2007-03-02T22:52:00.000+08:00

Interesting article by Philip Yancey

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2007/march/22.120.html
"The world is full of pain. The prosperity promised on religious television must exist in some alternate universe from what I encounter as I visit churches in person. For all its faults and failures, the church offers a place to bring wounds and to seek meaning in times of brokenness and struggle...

In one meeting, a 20-year-old came to the microphone and chided me for not taking literally the Bible's promise about faith that can move mountains. I agreed I needed a larger dose of such childlike faith, yet at the same time, I could not dishonor the pain of suffering people by telling them their faith is somehow defective.

From such souls, I learn that life is not a problem to be solved but a mystery to be lived. Prayer offers no ironclad guarantees, just the certain promise that we need not live that mystery alone."

Boasting only in the cross

2007-02-24T11:54:00.000+08:00

"In Britain, it seems we are obsessed with celebrities...We love our celebrity converts. Footballers, singers, models- if they become Christians, then we buy their books, go to their concerts, trumpet their conversion. Best of all we love to show them off to unbelievers...When we engage the world we try to convince people that we are worthy of being listened to because we are respectable. We hide away the freaks, the mentally unstable, the socially inept, the people who smell, the people who stand too close when they talk to you, the poor people, the stupid people. After all, no-one is going to listen to them...

But Paul takes a very different line in 1 Cor 1:26-31. Paul has been expounding his claim that 'the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God' (1:18). God, he says, destroys the wisdom of the world by revealing his power in soemthing that worldly wisdom does not recognise (1:19-22). It seems as if only powerful signs can impress Jews and as if only clever philosophical ideas can impress the Greeks...We must not think that doing miracles or expounding clever arguments will convert the world, because the power of God and the wisdom of God is found in the message of the cross (1:23-25). Our message must be, and can only be, Christ crucified...

Paul invites the Corinthaians to look at themselves. They do not represent the wise, influential and noble people of this world. There were some in Corinth, like this, but not many. The church was primarily made up of those who were on the fringe- those in soceity who did not have much to appeal to. God is choosing these kinds of people to be part of his demonstration of the wisdom of the cross. God chooses the foolish, weak and lowly to nullify human power and wisdom. He shames wisdom, power and status because we use these things to proclaim that we do not need God."

Tim Chester
Good News to the Poor

(XJ says: It is not our form that convinces people to christianity. Why not seek first of all a walk of obedience to the cross? Thereafter everything falls into place, whether in the form of being influential in the mkt place or not, whatever station we are working in- seeking only to testify of the cross. For transformation preceeds multiplication. The inward must be changed first instead of changing what forms on the outside.)

What is the greatest need we face today?

2007-02-21T18:35:00.000+08:00

Still reading Tim Chester's book. And the organization of the book is pretty cool, it provides a case for social involvement, and a case for evangelizing the poor. Then he merges them together- i.e. how it can work out on a practical basis.

Here's the portion for the case for evangelizing the poor. I'm still reflecting about it...

"What is the greatest need of people in your area? Your answer might depend on where you live. Some of the needs we face in the area that my church serves are racism, poor mental halth and unemployment. In leafier suburbs, the problems may be less evident, but behind the curtains of the show homes are people facing loneliness, domestic violence, emptiness and household debt. In the shanty towns and slums of the Third World, the need for clean water, proper sanitation, housing, education, regular income, and basic health care. I remember asking the women of a slum in New Delhi about their hopes for the future. The thing they wanted most was electricity. They wanted to be able to run fans to make the heat of the slums more bearable. A few weeks later the temperature soared into the high forties and a number of people in the slum died of heat exhaustion.

A 2001 MORI poll asked people in the UK what they considered the main problems in their local area. Crime and transport were the biggest concerns that people had. Other concerns included limited facilities for the young people and children. Another MORI poll showed that crime was considered by people to be the main problem at a national level while the environment was cited as the main international problem.

Looking at the world around us, we might well agree. But the Bible opens our eyes to a much broader horizon. It reveals that people have a need much greater than any mentioned above and of which we are largely unaware- the need to be reconciled to God and so escape his wrath."

A visit to the prisons...

2007-02-12T22:51:00.000+08:00

I went to the prison today at Tanjong Balai, which is a 2 hr ferry journey from Singapore. Hmm..don't exactly know how to begin this post as there are a lot of thoughts running through my mind.

It was very touching worshipping with the inmates. It spoke so much to me of God's love and compassion for the broken hearted and the sinful. But it spoke to me also, about how sinful I also was, even though technically I had not been sentenced to jail, yet equally having the capacity to sin, and so on equal footing with the inmates. I couldn't understand a word of the Hokkien and Bahasa Indonesian that was being spoken. But when it came to ministry, everyone responded, and we prayed for them. A lady broke down, kneeled and cried. There was another guy that I prayed for, and I saw how visibly touched he was by the Lord. He just kept weeping...and tear drops fell from his face to the floor.

Perhaps it took this, and also yesterday's sermon at church to remind me of God being covenant keeping and faithful. Pastor Edmund explained that Jonah story was actually about a compassionate God seeking those in Nineveh- not wanting any to perish- and also telling Jonah to see His heart...how His heart was compassionate for the sinful ones. And then Pastor Ed explained how Exodus was about the faithfulness of God in delivering His people. Finally, how Nehemiah was about the covenant keeping nature of God, i.e. fulfilling His covenant with Abraham.

I must say I have forgotten this aspect of God, or really do I know God? Doubting His faithfulness and compassion as I think about the lost souls (condemned eternally to hell?), the poor, the broken hearted, and how unfair this world was.

Thought about how limited the human capacity was to love others. And for myself, who I think has the gift of mercy, it is so easy to get disillusioned and bitter about the state of the world, if I base it on my own idealism. God revealed to me the true condition of my heart, is my heart increasingly hardened by the day with hopelessness and bleakness?

The number of people today who came for the gathering was about 20. We don't really need huge numbers to start with, because how precious each of these 20 must be to God. And that is where I shd start with all over again, just making a difference in lives one by one.

It is very easy for a compassionate/humanitarian ministry to be relying on one's own strength, because we could try and pour in more time, energy, money to feed the poor. Yet real transformation, I believe, comes when the Holy Spirit touches the hearts of the people and heal the broken hearts and bring salvation. And then how easy and light this burden becomes when we are servants of the Lord, following His leading.

Again perhaps another reminder on Sunday's sermon, that when God calls us to His work, He will equip and empower us for His work.

Dear God, I pray that You will empower me to do Your work, and that You will always keep my heart from bitterness. Let all that I do be empowered by You. Take away all human pride, all personal agenda. Let my thoughts and intentions be pure before You. Thank You Lord for touching the lives tonight. In Jesus Name I pray, amen.

William Carrey

2007-02-03T20:35:00.000+08:00

I'm reading Tim Chester's Good News to the Poor: Sharing the gospel through social involvement.

Wow, quite a good read, I've extracted something interesting about William Carey here. Truly he was a missionary, and much more in India.

"Two hundred years before, in 1793, William Carey arrived in India. Ruth and Vishal Mangalwadi begin their appreciation of Carey with a fictional quiz. They imagine a competition for Indian university students in which the question is asked: 'Who was William Carrey?' The first reply is that William Carey was a botanist who published the first books on the natural history of India, introduced new systems of gardening and after whom a variety of eucalyptus is named. Next an engineering student says William Carey introduced the steam engine to India and began the first indigenous paper and printing industries. Another student sees Carey as a social reformer who successfully campaigned for women's rights. Another as a campaigner for the humane treatment of lepers. An economics student points out that Carey introduced savings bank to combat usury. Carey is credited with starting the first newspaper in any oriental language. He conducted a systematic survey of Indian agricultural practices and founded the Indian Agri-Horticultural Society, thirty years before the Royal Agricultural Society was established in England. Carey was the first to translate and publish the religious classics of India and wrote the first Sanskirt dictionary for scholars. He founded dozen of schools, providing education for people of all cases, boys and girls. He pioneered lending libraries, wrote the first essays on forestry in India. To a significant degree he transformed the ethos of the British administration in India from colonial exploitation to a genuine sense of civil service.

And so it goes on with Carey's contribution to science, engineering, industry, economics, medicine, agriculture and forestry, literature, education, social reform, public administration and philosophy all being celebrated. Yet most of us know William Carey as the cobbler from Northamptonshire who became a pioneer missionary and evangelist. Who was the real William Carey? The answer is that Carey was all these things and more."

Its one of those days...

2007-01-14T18:27:00.000+08:00

Was feeling so burdened and sad about the lost, poor and our apathy, and wrote an email to 2 leaders in CEFC. And yesterday night was writing a card to someone who I knew understood, couldn't help but end up in tears. And went to pray to God, crying, about the lostness of men, about how helpless I felt.
This morning, I was very touched during worship, and couldn't help tearing again while we sang about the river of God.
And the message was so good, it spoke to me.
Pastor Ed emphasized that the great commission was about disciple-making to the "nations". So why are we all in Singapore?- He asked. The only reason I am in Singapore, he said, was because God had called me to Singapore. He was at the jungles and rural area before and had told God he would have been happy to stay there all his life.
There I saw the heart of this man of God.
He talked about how transformation preceeds multiplication.
True indeed.

And the final portion on the Holy Spirit. Just been feeling so discouraged because of how loosely He is being used. But Pastor Ed brought it all back into perspective. We need the empowering of the Holy Spirit, we need to be filled by Him in order to fulfil the great commission.

How do we get filled- by desperation and yielding. How true.

Kept crying again during worship. From the depths of my heart cried out to God. For myself, for the suffering, for the lost, for how helpless I felt. Scenes in China at the mission trip- faces of those chinese youths so vivid. Scenes in CHC...tear stained faced, and hands lifted up to God- crying, use me God. Those moments of prayer in the past, of yielding...of desiring to use my life to serve Him.

Perhaps its time for me to start serving once again. By the empowering of the Spirit.

Discovering where hope begins in a village in Mozambique

2007-01-13T00:04:00.000+08:00

Check out this article.
So encouraging.

Surprised by Friendship
Cassandra Zinchini

"I was moving to Africa for selfish and unselfish reasons. Selfishly, I hoped Africa would save me from a life of numbness, a life of seeking mere satisfaction—more money, more recognition, more whatever. I hoped to find it true that less is more.
Unselfishly, I wanted to help the one-sixth of humanity living without basic food, water, and shelter. My heart was touched from continents away...

But here in a place where the people I grew to love did not have enough food, my own needs faded like the imprint of waves on the sand, quickly receding into the bright sea. The Africans were not happy in their poverty. At the same time, it was obvious to me that material goods were not the only answer, because neither had I been happy in my Western materialistic life.But here in a place where the people I grew to love did not have enough food, my own needs faded like the imprint of waves on the sand, quickly receding into the bright sea. The Africans were not happy in their poverty. At the same time, it was obvious to me that material goods were not the only answer, because neither had I been happy in my Western materialistic life...

In the Jesus film, Jesus multiplied bread so the hungry had more than enough, and he watched with pleasure as his disciples pulled in a large catch of fish from the sea. The ones surrounding me—the poor, the hungry, the sick—understand and believe Jesus' message. They are eager to receive friendship. Here the gospel is applicable, and it really is Good News: bread for the hungry, healing for the sick, love for the unlovely."

Mere Christianity

2007-01-06T10:39:00.000+08:00

I've just finished reading C.S. Lewis's Mere Christianity! It is such a good book, one of the best I've read so far. The thing about this book is how much it challenges the mind to believe in God.

Not sure if it is just the influence of this book, but perhaps also because of other materials I've been reading, I think that the salvation experience is very sacred. It is not immediate, but God is working within the lives of every individual. Hence the act of bringing an individual to church is not the matter that deserves rejoicing - though it can be the start of the journey, but rather we pray that God will work deeply within the life of that individual. I think God touches us in different ways, apart from visits to church, but He can speak to us through events, situations and people, soften our hearts to hear Him.

I liked this paragraph written by C.S. Lewis. I think it makes a lot of sense. And perhaps...closer to my idea of what God is doing within our lives.

"In the first place the situation in the actual world is much more complicated than that. The world does not consist of 100 per cent Christians and 100 per cent non-Christians. There are people (a great many of them) who are slowly ceasing to be Christians but who still call themselves by that name: some of them are clergymen. There are other people who are slowly becoming Christians though they do not yet call themselves so. There are people who do not accept the full Christian doctrine about Christ but who are so strongly attracted by Him that they are His in a much deeper sense than they themselves understand. There are people in other religions who are being led by God's secret influence to concentrate on those parts of their religion which are in agreement with Christianity, and who thus belong to Christ without knowing it. For example, a Buddhist of good will may be led to concentrate more and more on the Buddhist teaching about mercy and to leave in the background (though he might still say he believed) the Buddhist teaching on certain points. Many of the good Pagans long before Christ's birth may have been in this position. And always, of course, there are a great many people who are just confused in mind and have a lot of inconsistent beliefs all jumbled up together. Consequently, it is not much use trying to make judgements about Christians and non- Christians in the mass."

Evangelism

2007-01-06T10:35:00.000+08:00

Mere Mission
N.T. Wright

For generations the church has been polarized between those who see the main task being the saving of souls for heaven and the nurturing of those souls through the valley of this dark world, on the one hand, and on the other hand those who see the task of improving the lot of human beings and the world, rescuing the poor from their misery.

The longer that I've gone on as a New Testament scholar and wrestled with what the early Christians were actually talking about, the more it's been borne in on me that that distinction is one that we modern Westerners bring to the text rather than finding in the text. Because the great emphasis in the New Testament is that the gospel is not how to escape the world; the gospel is that the crucified and risen Jesus is the Lord of the world. And that his death and Resurrection transform the world, and that transformation can happen to you. You, in turn, can be part of the transforming work. That draws together what we traditionally called evangelism, bringing people to the point where they come to know God in Christ for themselves, with working for God's kingdom on earth as it is in heaven. That has always been at the heart of the Lord's Prayer, and how we've managed for years to say the Lord's Prayer without realizing that Jesus really meant it is very curious. Our Western culture since the 18th century has made a virtue of separating out religion from real life, or faith from politics.When I lecture about this, people will pop up and say, "Surely Jesus said my kingdom is not of this world." And the answer is no, what Jesus said in John 18 is, "My kingdom is not from this world." That's ek tou kosmoutoutou. It's quite clear in the text that Jesus' kingdom doesn't start with this world. It isn't a worldly kingdom, but it is for this world. It's from somewhere else, but it's for this world.

The key to mission is always worship. You can only be reflecting the love of God into the world if you are worshiping the true God who creates the world out of overflowing self-giving love. The more you look at that God and celebrate that love, the more you have to be reflecting that overflowing self-giving love into the world.

How should I live out my faith?

2006-12-25T15:13:00.000+08:00

For Goodness Sake, Do Something!
by Randy Nabors

How? "How should I live out my faith?" I hoped you would ask. I want to emphasize that the Scriptures move us beyond a simple personalization of religion. If we understand our religion simply to be a moral change, or a change of personality so that we become "nice," or a spiritualized change where now we have personal meaning and relationship with God, then we have missed what true religion is supposed to be. Yes, the gospel can and does all of the preceding things mentioned, but it calls us to more. It calls us personally to "weightier matters of the law, like justice and mercy"(Matt. 23:23). It calls us, both as individuals and corporately as congregations, to help the poor (James 1:27, 2 Cor. 8-9, Matt. 25: 31-46).

Humility is difficult

2006-12-21T09:39:00.000+08:00

By Jim Wallis

We all know Lent is meant to be a time of reflection, deepening, and preparation for Easter. Lent is also a call to repentance and, especially, humility. With Lent's beginning on Ash Wednesday, we impose (I love that word) ashes as a very physical, visual, and tangible act of repentance and humility - a mark and act of commitment, not merely a rote ritual.

Some members of our staff have suggested to me that the events of recent weeks and months call us to humility. But humility is a difficult virtue for those who are called to a prophetic vocation - people like us.

Humility is difficult for people who think they are, or want to be, "radical Christians."

Humility is difficult when you're always calling other people - the church, the nation, and the world - to stop doing the things you think are wrong and start doing the things you think are right.

Humility is difficult for the bearers of radical messages.

When we're always calling other people to repent and change, it's not always easy to hear that message for ourselves.

I want to suggest that there is a real and very deep tension between humility and the prophetic vocation. And most prophetic Christians I have known - present company and preacher included - are really not very good at humility.

You see we are always making judgments of others - church leaders, political leaders, majority cultures - but are not often good at applying the judgment to ourselves. Even when the prophetic judgments we are making are necessary, they seldom lead us to humility. After all, we are the ones who know how other people are supposed to change. We are the ones with the answers. We are the ones who are doing it right.

How do we preach like Amos - "Let justice roll down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty river!" - without becoming self-righteous ourselves? I think that is very difficult. Perhaps Micah had it right: "What does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?"

And we are especially prone to turn our righteous judgments on each other, at those close at hand, even within our own community - and that can be especially destructive. When that happens, if the truth be told, radical Christian communities are not always pleasant places to be.

When the prophetic indignation we offer daily to the world is turned toward those who happen to be in judging, glaring, or shouting distance of us when we decide they too have fallen short of our ideals - look out!

And let me be human and honest enough to say that leaders in church, state, and certainly faith-inspired organizations should always be held accountable, but being a leader in a prophetic Christian community is often a very hard place to be. Just look at the qualities necessary for the prophetic vocation: The capacity to speak clearly, strongly, boldly, decisively, distinctively, and of course, visibly. I would say, from my experience, that none of those qualities lead directly to humility.

Likewise, the call to be and offer an alternative reality, community, vision, lifestyle, etc., requires an energy and confidence that, again, is not necessarily prone to humility.

So what can save us radical Christians? The same thing that saves everybody else: the grace of God.

I've found myself remembering an old article prompted by a time in the life of Sojourners when these issues were very much at play. It was an article I felt quite convicted to write as a correction to ourselves, to myself, to the prophetic vocation we had chosen. I remember I stayed home from a prophetic anti-nuclear action that many of us were undertaking because I felt the need to think and write instead. It's from May of 1979. It's pretty faded now, but I think it might be relevant to us today:

"Sojourners has written much and often about the abuse and cheapening of grace. In many ways, it is the place where we began. That concern still stands; cheap grace continues to be the greatest affliction of the churches.

"Radical Christians, however, face another problem. It is the tendency to seek justification in our lifestyle, our work, our protest, our causes, our movements, our actions, our prophetic identity, and our radical self-image. It becomes an easy temptation to place our security in the things we stand for and in the things we do, instead of in what God has done. It is a temptation to depend on things other than God's grace.

"'For by grace you have been saved through faith; and this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God - not because of works, lest [anyone] should boast (Ephesians 2:8-9).' Grace is the logic of a loving God. There is nothing we can do to earn it, win it, or deserve it. Grace is simply a gift, not a reward. We can receive it only by faith, not through good works.

"Grace saves the prophetic vocation. The knowledge and experience of grace can ease the seriousness with which we tend to take ourselves. Grace can restore our humility, our sense of humor, and our ability to laugh at ourselves. All are regularly needed by prophets.

"To trust grace is to know that the world has already been saved by Jesus Christ. It is to know that we cannot save the world any more than we can save ourselves. All our work is done only in response to Christ's work. To receive the gift of grace is to let go of self-sufficiency and to act out of a spirit of gratitude.
"Radical Christians must pursue more than a successful strategy; we must seek a deeper faith. Only then will we have the assurance of salvation, not because of what we have accomplished, but because we have allowed God's grace and mercy to flow through our lives." This article was adapted from Jim Wallis' reflections at Sojourners' Ash Wednesday service March 1, 2006.

Praise You in This Storm

2006-12-16T23:15:00.000+08:00

Praise You in This Storm
Casting Crowns
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now, God You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Testimony on Unity

2006-12-16T22:57:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna share my testimony this Monday with the MAS & GIC fellowship.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi, my name is Xiaojia. I just graduated last year and have been working in GIC for a year and a half.

I became a Christian when I was in primary school. Back then, my maid, who was a catholic, shared Christ with me. Her boyfriend was a Christian, who wrote me letters and taught me how to pray. Salvation was a gift for me, as I readily believed and prayed to God whenever I was sad or angry. I was a self professed Christian who never attended church.

I only started attending church when I was in secondary 4. At 15, I was faced with the question of whether I was really saved, for God seemed so distant to me. I had a lot of doubts about God, but I experienced Him in many tangible ways, and that was when my faith was cemented.

As I attended a charismatic church, I believed in a style of praise and worship and sermons. Praise was dynamic and I jumped up and down in jubilee. Worship meant raising my hands and praying in tongues. Sermons were preached by charismatic speakers who were powerful and impacting.

At NUS, I started attending the Varsity Christian Fellowship. There, I was exposed to different styles of worship. God put in our hearts the desire for unity among Christians. As leaders, we prayed for Singaporean Christians to be one body in Christ in spite of denomination.

Last year, my faith hit a crisis as I started reading books written by Christian authors from different denominations. I found some of their points very enlightening and grew a lot through these materials. It was then that I began to feel uncomfortable with my church’s teachings and started praying about whether I should change church.

During this period of visiting different churches, I was rather confused, angry and bitter about my old church. I had been there for 8 years, and uprooting was difficult. There are practices that I don’t understand and perhaps disagree with, yet I am thankful that God was with me during this period. He encouraged me in various ways, through songs, encouragement from others and books as well. One morning in Oct, I woke up and felt this stirring within me. There was an unspoken happiness and assurance from God that He was with me through my journey. I was so thankful for His peace in the midst of the struggles that I faced. I felt my faith had grown as it was not anchored on any human being, but anchored in Him. As time passed, I began to understand the distinctive that God has blessed my previous church with. I missed the praise and worship there, as well as praying in tongues. The sermons preached there were simple and ministered to the youths. After 10 months of prayer, I am now settled down in Covenant Evangelical and am very blessed by the in-depth and strong teachings in the church.

Recently, I went to Philippines with Habitat for Humanity on a house building project in the urban slums. It was an experience of humility, working alongside the poor, regardless of our backgrounds. It strangely reminded me of how united the Israelites were in rebuilding the temple. Some stood guard against the enemies while the rest built. And what is amazing is how the gospel has come full circle in my life. My domestic helper- a Filipina was the one who first shared Christ with me, and now I was back in Philippines to share God’s love.

The body of Christ must be united in tackling the real enemy and not major on the minors by attacking each other. Many of us Christians tend to be inward looking and criticize other denominations without understanding more. Just a few days ago, a colleague asked me which denomination of Christianity I came from. I didn’t know how to answer her. I think I belong to the church of Christ. And being a Christian simply means living out a life that is Christ-like, that glorifies Christ. I find Christ most of all in the slums, when I work alongside the poor. Thank God that He still chooses to work through us, even though no church or human is infallible or perfect!

Heart of a missionary

2006-12-03T22:32:00.000+08:00

Check this out:
Eternal Perspectives Ministry set up by Randy Alcorn. There are quite a few good links.

In particular, I've extracted two articles for yr read. ;)

The Heart of a True Missionary

"So, I felt duty-bound to just tell my own story of how Jim Elliot and I made up our minds long before we ever fell in love, that we did not belong to ourselves, but to God Himself; and this body in which I live is holy, it belongs to God until God gives it to somebody else. So, Jim and I were perfectly clear about that independent of each other and then, when he came along and confessed to me that he was in love with me, he followed that immediately with saying, 'I'm not asking you to marry me. You go ahead and go to Africa and I'll go to South America, and if God wants to bring us together, God knows how to do it.'

"I thought I was going to Africa, but in various ways, God indicated that it was South America. And so, we waited 5 ½ years for each other. That, of course, is another tremendous lesson in sacrifice. Young people today, it is my impression, are not prepared to sacrifice. They want what they want and they want it now. They're going to get what they want, any way they can get it. When you start at the foot of the cross and lay yourself totally at God's disposal, there are a whole lot of pitfalls that are avoided."

Elizabeth Elliot

Dreams & Visions Move Muslims to Christ

More and more Muslims are having dreams and visions of Christ, Christian ministries say. There is increasing evidence that the supernatural is playing a role in drawing Muslims to Christ.

Campus Crusade for Christ has received thousands of letters from Muslims, many of whom claim to have had a similar dream of Christ, according to the ministry's radio broadcast office in northern Africa. In the dream, Jesus appears and tells people, "I am the way," Campus Crusade founder and president Bill Bright said. Moved by the dreams, they contact the radio ministry and "freely respond" to the gospel message, he said. In Algeria, an imprisoned Muslim political radical said Jesus appeared to her in her cell. The woman now is a Christian and works with Campus Crusade ministering to Muslims.

Making a difference

2006-11-30T00:36:00.000+08:00

Wow, think there is something we can learn from this church. ;)

Long-Distance AIDS Ministry
How one modest-sized church in North Carolina is making a big difference in the heart of Africa.

Definition of success

2006-11-26T19:26:00.000+08:00

"We need a radical re-definition of "success" in the ministry. I reject the notion that the bigger the church is, the more "successful" it is. In an age of superficiality, immaturity and mediocrity, the church must be careful not to get caught in an ego-trip that equates mere numbers with success. It is easy to sacrifice the integrity of calling (and the implications of discipleship) upon the altar of bigness.

Nonetheless, I believe in church growth! In some Christian circles, "church growth" is a dirty word. Yet, nothing is sadder than an in-grown, inward-looking church. Heir of infinite resources, destined for glory, entrusted with the glorious Gospel, an in-grown church is but an irresponsible sleeping giant. There is indeed such a thing as irresponsible non-growth!"

Pastor Edmund Chan, A Calling: Covenant Evangelical Free Church

I was blown away by the sermon today, the emphasis on inward growth, before the outward. The reminder that it is relatively easy to change on the outside, but very difficult for change to come from the heart. Telling someone steps 1-10 is easy to complete, but left without the steps, one has to live based on principles. These come from the heart.

The vision of Pastor : seek to build the foundations (authentic discipleship), through which, God will build the church. The key to a missions church is discipleship.

I had to repent of whatever I had thought abt the church, that it was inward looking. For God laid upon my heart what was the heart behind this vision. That only when we are changed inwardly can we be missionaries wherever we go to, and bring transformation to the place we go to.

I'm so thankful also how every individual is so valued in this church. How comfortable it was today sharing with a leader about my journey and struggles. And how we are all on this journey, and the start of it all is to confess that we know nothing/can do nothing, only God can work through us. The more I know God, the more inadequate I feel, the more I need His grace.

God has been speaking to me. To not focus so much on my environment, not be distracted by circumstances, but to be thankful, and focus on Him. That is the discpleship of gratitude. Being thankful in all things.

Rebuilding our altars

2006-11-25T00:22:00.000+08:00

Was really encouraged by Pastor Kai's msg today at Prayer and Praise. I felt that it was the word in season for me. How Elisha had to rebuild the altar before the fire came down. How we as christians have to rebuild our altar before revival will come.

I have a lot a lot of rebuilding to do. How I have come so short of Him, with my whinning, bad attitude and focusing on the nitty gritty stuffs that I don't like. How I am simply so distracted. It wasn't even specific things that had become my idol. It was just losing my focus on Him, and no longer having that kind of child like faith to believe in Him. I know that it will take some time for the altar to be rebuilt, but nevertheless, I was really encouraged.

It amazes me at times how the same God can speak to us in the same manner in different settings. What do I mean by this? CHC style of ministry and worship is different from CEFC. And in many occasions in the past at CHC, I had felt God's touch, and the Holy Spirit's presence over me. Similarly in CEFC, for example today, I felt the same touch of the Holy Spirit, and it was the same peace and assurance that came upon me. :D So God doesn't come by formulas and styles, He comes when a people seek Him and worship Him.

Have u ever felt so "naked" before the Lord? Like He knows u inside out and u can't hide anything from Him. And u feel so humbled. No matter how much self-justification, pretending to be good & alright, He just searches so deeply on the inside.

Been very burdened about a lot of stuffs. Especially wrt how comfortable many christians are...the lack of urgency...living like peace time when it is war time. Was just sharing with a sister from GIC CF, and she pointed out that sometimes, when burdens are given to us, it is time to look inward. Something like looking at the plank in yr own eye first, let ourselves be changed, and others be impacted by the change they see in us. And I find that is really insightful.

Being Single

2006-11-19T00:06:00.000+08:00

Quite thankful for a workshop I attended at CEFC today on Dating. Perhaps quite a taboo topic for discussion, yet there was an atmosphere of openness in talking today.

Pastor Chung Kai spoke of the purpose of dating. He emphasized on the importance of friendship, and how friendship is a worthy end in and of itself. Usually when u are attracted to someone, u move on to explore if that someone is suitable, get into courtship and marry. But he suggests after being attracted, to move on to friendship with the person, leading to exploring and courtship and marriage. Hence the impt of getting to know the opposite sex for friendship.

Lordship- Christ must be Lord in all relationships. If we are unhappy being single, we will still be unhappy attached. That's because we don't expect our partner to fulfill our needs.

So once again, I said a quiet prayer, giving God Lordship over my heart.

Relationships has always been something that affected me a lot. I'm also glad for this period of single-ness where I begin to enjoy spending time with myself, and getting to know myself better. Now I understand better what I like and dislike. Learning to be independent and secure about myself.

I also understand better what kind of man I want. Defintely a man who loves God with all his heart, someone who is compassionate. Someone who is wise and kind and sensitive to others.

Recently, I seem to be coming to a place where I actually tell God it is okay if I remain single all my life. I don't know if I will really enjoy doing that...But nevertheless thankful that I am no longer that needy nor starving for love elsewhere. May His love truly and wholly satisfy. Out of which that satisfaction, I am able to love another.

What one of the speakers say today is true, we look for love elsewhere, but they never really satisfy. For many of us, including myself, God's love is sometimes what we only conceptualise in our head. But it's something we need to experience with our hearts before we can say that only that love can satisfy.

Loneliness- definitely those times when u are alone, waiting for the bus/mrt, walking down the streets and seeing people holding hands. Bible did say that it was not good for man to be alone. We all need relationships and accountability. Yet, these may not come in the form of a life partner. They may come in the form of a group of godly friends whom we attach ourselves to, people who encourage us along in this journey.

How shall we live then?

2006-11-18T23:39:00.000+08:00

I've been rather troubled about how I should be living as a christian in terms of my possessions. One of the questions is, should I liquidate all my assets and give them away? How much proportion should I retain, how much should I save? Basically the practical application of living out a godly life.

Quite thankful I read this chapter from Randy Alcon's book tonight. I think it is quite insightful.

Chapt 13
Giving: Reciprocating God's Grace

The most striking characteristic of the early Christians is that they shared all they owned, liquidating their possessions to give to the needy (Acts 2:44-45; 4:32-37). In one verse, we're told, "Much grace was upon them all," and in the next, "There were no needy persons among them." Compare this description with that of Christ's bickering disciples, jockeying for position and unwilling to wash each others' feet (Mark 9L33-34, 10:35-41; Luke 9:46, 22-24; John 13:3-16). Radical giving demonstrates the life-changing power of God.

There are two common errors made in evaluating the first Jerusalem church. One is to see it as a model to be followed by all Christians. The other is to reject it as irrelevant to us today.

Those who see the Jerusalem church as a detailed model fail to understand its unique historical context. Perhaps a million Jews had made the Passover pilgrimage to Jerusalem. The city was bursting at its seams. Many of the thousands coming to Christ wanted to stay in Jerusalem to learn as much as possible before going home. Others probably couldn't return to their homes at all. As a result of following Christ, they would have become "the victims of social and economic ostracism, ecclesiastical excommunication, and national disinheritance. Their business enterprises must in most cases have collapsed in ruins and family bonds been heart-breakingly severed."(Hughes, 1965)

The result was thousands of homeless, jobless people. This was an emergency situation that called for unusual action. It cannot serve as a strict pattern for all Christian communities, because not all congregations are faced with such extreme situations. However, the first Christians' attitude toward money and possessions is a timeless model for all Christians. Second-century Church leader Justin Martyr writes:"We who formerly treasured money and possessions more than anything else now hands over everything we have to a treasury for all and share it with everyone who needs it."

Some groups have followed a communal model and done well, whereas others have found it problematic. I don't oppose attempts to imitate the early Church. To hoard or withhold our resources from the needy is always unscriptural. But the graces of giving and sharing can legitimately take other forms than that of Acts 2 and 4. Although sacrificial giving is an intergral part of all healthy churches, never again in the New Testament do we see it manifested in the same way as in Acts 2-4.

Some have taken these texts to indicate that the early Church rejected the private ownership of property. On the contrary, the liquidation of possessions took place not all at once but "from time to time" (Acts 4:34). It was strictly voluntary. Peter told Ananias and Sapphira that their property was theirs till they sold it, and once they sold it the money was still theirs to use as they wished (Acts 5:3-5). Their sin wasn't in failing to lay everything at the apostles' feet but in claiming they were doing so when they weren't, just so to impress others.

The early Church is not potrayed as utopian. In addition to the situation with Ananias and Sapphira, the Greek and Hebrew Christians quarreled over in-equities in the distribution of food to the needy (Acts 6:1).

The "bread line" of Acts 6 is not a specific pattern for churches, but a reflection of the ongoing effects of the emergency in the fledgling Church. However it demonstrates the high priority of helping the needy and taking organisational steps to do so effectively. It would be a mistake to see Acts 2-4 as a socialistic model, but an even greater mistake to disregard the early Church's example of openhanded giving to the needy.

Giving involved money, but much more. We can give a meal, a house, dress, shovel, bicycle, sewing machine, or any possession. I may give someone a car. Or I may freely loan it to others, or use it to give a ride to my elderly neighbour, or to go buy groceries for a shut-in. There's a great deal of giving that can take place even when I retain ownership-as long as I remind myself that God is the true owner, and I am only his asset manager.

Two cautions are in order. First, we can easily rationalize owning unnecessary things on the grounds that we share them with others. The face that people often invite others out on their boat doesn't necessarily mean that owning a boat is the most strategic ministry use for the money required. We must also be careful that our ownership doesn't involve possessiveness.

Money, Posessions and Eternity
Randy Alcorn

Compassion and Hope

2006-11-17T22:13:00.000+08:00

A bit of a lag, but nevertheless, stumbled upon this and thought it will be nice to share! :)
I'm sure that gay and homosexual issues are not as simplistic as they sound.

Brian McLaren: Compassion and Hope in the Haggard Scandal

As a representative of the Red Letter Christians, I was asked the other day to participate in an NPR dialogue about the recent resignation of Ted Haggard. Two things struck me about the dialogue.

First, compassion. The tone of the conversation was not glee at the fall of a hypocrite, but rather sadness and empathy at the suffering of a fellow human being - before and after his resignation. I'm sure there has been some glee, both among secular people who saw Ted as their political enemy, and among religious people of a certain type who find it easy and legitimate to disregard the words of I Corinthians 13, the "Golden Rule," and the Sermon on the Mount. I have been especially moved, both on the NPR program and elsewhere, by the compassion expressed by many in the gay community and by many evangelicals, both of whom may have found reasons to respond otherwise.

Second, hope. A number of people on the program expressed hope that this trauma in the evangelical community will increase understanding about the issue of homosexuality, that it will bring to light the complexity and depth of pain experienced by people for whom heterosexual drives are not inborn and exclusive. Perhaps this painful story will help more preachers (like myself) to back away from the easy answers and binary thinking that are so easy to dispense, and to reject the simplistic moralism Jesus diagnosed in the Pharisees, who, he said, loaded up burdens on the backs of others that they themselves couldn't bear. I've met Ted on a few occasions and he impressed me as a compassionate and hopeful person himself. I join millions of people - Christian and non-, straight and gay - who pray for God's presence, strength, and guidance for him and his family - and his church and NAE colleagues too, as they grapple with the complex realities of the human condition which we all share.

It's Sunday as I write these words, and in an hour or so, I'll be in church, and we'll pray, "Lord, have mercy." The older I get, and the more I experience, the more weight and meaning those simple words carry.

Brian McLaren (brianmclaren.net) is an author, speaker, and board chair of Sojourners/Call to Renewal.